Shelter Me Home (19 page)

“Hey, it’s not so bad,” Miles said. “It’s just a place, Farrah. You can do better than living on some hippie commune.”

“You’re wrong,” she said, gasping for air. “There’s no better place. That back there? That piece of land was my only chance at happiness. Real happiness—the kind people search their whole lives for.” Oh, what was the point in explaining it to someone who was incapable of satisfaction?

In town, she begged him to stop at Briney’s. The man had given her a job when she so desperately needed one and had offered her trust at running his bar. She couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye, and when she returned to the SUV with the fancy tires and rental plates, she wiped her eyes and told Miles she was ready. He wouldn’t see any more of her tears. They didn’t mean anything to him, so he wasn’t invited to share that part of her life anymore.

No one would be allowed to share her worry ever again.

Three Months Later

The walls of Farrah’s one bedroom apartment were bare and boring. Beige colored every surface, but she couldn’t bring herself to decorate or paint. It didn’t feel like home, so what was the point?

All of the lights were turned off except for one lonely bulb that illuminated the kitchen as she waited. Worrying the hem of her coat, she shifted her weight and wished for the tenth time that day that she could see her feet.

Oleanna. That’s what she’d write on the birth certificate when she finally got to lay eyes on her precious daughter. She’d found it in a Norwegian name book and thought it beautiful, perfect. If she couldn’t have a life with Aanon, she’d honor his kindness by gifting her child with a name like his.

The cell phone she gripped trilled, and she accepted the call. It was Miles. Besides a few acquaintances she sometimes met up with for lunch, he was the only one who had the number.

“I’m downstairs,” he said.

“I’ll be right there.”

The building was old and didn’t have a working elevator, so she made her way carefully down three flights of stairs. Miles tapped his foot impatiently as he waited at the bottom.

“How much longer,” he asked, staring at her belly.

“I’m full term next week, so then Oleanna could come at any time.”

“I still think we need to talk about her name.”

“You talk, I’ll listen,” she said, gifting him with a very
fuck you
expression.

“Mmm,” he said as he offered his arm to escort her to the car he had waiting out front. “You look huge.”

This night was already starting to exhaust her. “I think you meant fantastic. You look fantastic, Farrah.”

“I mean…” He backtracked. “I’m just not used to you looking so…round. You don’t look bad, just…bigger. They say with the first baby, you’ll lose the weight easy, though.”

“Stop. Miles, I’ve gained eighteen pounds, not a hundred. The doctor has been encouraging me to gain more. Can we stop talking about my weight?”

“Fine,” he muttered. “What do you want to talk about?”

She inhaled the city smog and pursed her lips. “You know.”

“Oh, no.” He opened the car door for her and helped her in. “If I tell you about the court hearing too soon, you’ll shut down on me just like every other time I mentioned him. I don’t want to have another uncomfortable dinner. Just be patient.”

She sighed miserably as she buckled the safety belt. Her entire life revolved around patience. Be patient with the customers at her job at the phone bank. Be patient with the pregnancy jokes and whistles from chortling passersby. Patiently wait for Oleanna to arrive. But the worst of all was waiting for news of Aanon. It was her only lifeline to the man she loved. She wouldn’t torture him with phone calls or letters. She was stuck in New York, and she’d never ask him to leave Cooper Landing to inhabit a place neither one of them belonged. The city was an iron cage for creatures like Aanon.

But she had this. Miles took her out to dinner once a month and filled her in on what Aanon’s lawyer told him about his custody hearings. She’d counted down the days since last month.

The car ride into the heart of the city was quiet, heavily so. Miles didn’t force conversation or try to hold her hand. That wasn’t their relationship anymore. No feelings lingered between them. They were friends, and that only out of necessity. If there wasn’t a baby between them, she doubted he’d even wave if he passed her on the street.

It was the beginning of March, and rain drops dotted the window, casting tiny prisms as the city lights passed. If she squinted, she could see miniature replicas of shops in the watery globes as they drove by.

She smiled at the valet and followed Miles inside. When they were seated, he asked, “How’s work?”

To soothe her impatience, she sipped water and then gave him an empty smile. “Wanda got fired for boning the boss and telling his wife about it. Ricky got promoted in her place. I was promised a raise if I return after my maternity leave, and Rhonda has foot fungus. She told me over lunch yesterday.” The discussion still made her want to gag.

By the look on Miles’s face, he had similar feelings. He inhaled deeply and mirrored her vacant smile. “Fantastic.”

Well, he’d asked.

She ordered grilled chicken and creamed spinach, and she forewarned him she was going to inhale a desert and to not make snide comments. It wouldn’t help. He’d do it anyway, but at least she’d warned him so she couldn’t be held responsible for verbally filleting him while they waited for the valet to bring the car around. It was becoming tradition, and it was clear Miles didn’t really learn from past transgressions. That he simply didn’t care was more likely.

When she’d finished her meal, she set the silverware down, perfectly aligned with her plate, and waited with her hands clasped in her lap.

He made a show of slowly chewing the last few bites of food, and then put his napkin over his empty plate.

“He won.” Those two words, so simple, so important, so vital to what she’d sacrificed her happiness for. He. Won. Dodge was Aanon’s to raise.

“Primary custody?”

“The boy testified in a meeting with a social worker and the judge. It seems Erin had been doing a lot of unsavory things in front of him.”

She swallowed hard as tears stung her eyes. Poor Dodge had to sit in front of a room full of strangers and tell them about the things that had frightened him. He was so young, so small. She wanted desperately to hug him and make up for Erin’s shortcomings.

“Was Aanon happy?” Her voice was choked with emotion.

“How would I know that, Farrah? Was he happy? I imagine so.”

Her nails dug into the palms of her hands until they hurt, but she smiled and nodded. “Thank you for the information,” she said robotically.

“That’s not all the news I have.” He downed his glass of Merlot and took his time setting the empty just so near the candle between them. “Laura is pregnant.”

She stared, a mass of confusion churning in her middle, chilling her vocal chords until it became impossible to speak. His wife was pregnant. After so many years of trying, she would give him the child he’d always pined for.

“It’s a boy,” he said, voice cracking as he leaned back in his chair.

“Congratulations.”

“She didn’t tell me until she was farther along because she was afraid of losing the baby. We’ve been trying for so long.”

“I know.”

He cocked his head, and an apologetic quirk took his thin lips. “This is the last time I’ll be meeting with you for dinner.”

She pursed her lips and nodded, the rhythm calming her. “And Oleanna?”

The corners of his lips drew down with some emotion she couldn’t understand, and he leaned forward. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you.” His voice came out a rasp. “For months I’ve watched you wither, and I know it’s because of me. One hundred percent, I did that to you. I was wrong for never telling you about my wife, and I’ve been wrong every day since I manipulated you into coming back to the city. I just—I just wanted to be a part of my daughter’s life.”

“Her name is Oleanna.” That he wouldn’t say it bothered her more than anything else. “What does this mean? Just say it straight. You’ll never see or claim her as yours? You have a son now so she doesn’t count? You got a redo on fatherhood with a child you want more?” She didn’t even try to hide the disgust in her voice. “Why did you bring me back here Miles? After I told you my happiness was in The Landing, you watched me suffer the entire plane ride home. You watched my heart break, and you never softened in your quest to bring me here.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t benefit from it, Farrah. The man you love now has his son back. You did a good thing.
I
did a good thing.”

“You’re right.” Her voice shook as she inhaled a shaky breath. “I am grateful for what you did, but I haven’t asked for anything else from you, not for me, not for our child. You offered to do that, and I obeyed your terms.”

Misery painted the caramel hues in his eyes. “I know.”

“Are you letting me go?”

His throat worked as he swallowed and nodded slightly. “Oleanna is all yours.”

She sniffed her disappointment at his casual tossing away of his own daughter and asked, “Can you take me back to my apartment now?”

The ride stretched on and on as the soggy streets slushed by. Miles’s lips felt cold and clammy as he brushed them against her cheek. She resisted the urge to squirm away. If that was what he needed to feel like he’d done the right thing, fine. Her farewell was to say nothing and leave without a single glance back.

She couldn’t run in her condition but she risked taking the stairs two at a time to find the safety of the apartment. When the door was closed behind her, and her back pressed against the cold wood, she stared at the single light, still on like she’d left it.

Miles’s dismissal of his child was disappointing, but nothing she was surprised by. He’d treated his wife, her, and every mistress he’d ever kept the same way. He was who he was.

And now, she was free.

Throat so tense she could barely breathe, she dialed Briney’s Bar, something she’d wanted to do a hundred times. She didn’t have Aanon’s cell memorized, but Briney’s came easy.

Nobody answered, and she dialed again immediately.

“What?” Briney answered.

“It’s me.”

“Who’s me?”

“Farrah.”

“Shhhit. Where are you? What number are you calling from? I don’t have caller ID.”

She recited the number. “Can you have him call me?”

Instead of answering, Briney yelled for Burtlebey. Moments later, the sound of fabric swished across the line and Briney murmured, “Can you watch the bar for an hour? I need to run to Falk’s place. And if I find out you gave away free drinks, I’m going to ban you from this place for a week.” More rustling, and then he said, “Farrah, you still there?”

“I’m here,” she said through a tear-filled laugh.

“I’m going to get him. Wait by that phone, girl.”

“I will,” she promised.

The next half an hour was the longest in her life. Would he still be angry with her for leaving? Perhaps he didn’t want to talk and wouldn’t call. Maybe he’d moved on.

Minutes ticked by, and she stared at the phone sitting on the counter. She crossed and uncrossed her arms and chewed her lip until it hurt. To busy herself, she made hot chocolate, a treat that always got Oleanna dancing.

The phone rang. Terrified she’d imagined it, she flipped it open and the words
caller unknown
fanned the screen.

Her voice shook when she answered. “Hello?”

“Farrah?”

God, it was so good to hear Aanon’s voice again. “Yes, it’s me.”

A long, hitched sigh filled the line. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just—I wanted to tell you congratulations.”

“You heard?”

“Yeah, I’ve been keeping track of your court dates. Cheering you on from New York.”

“I tried to find you,” he blurted. “I’ve been trying for months, but I hit a dead end. I thought maybe you didn’t have a cell phone, or you didn’t want to be found, or…I don’t know.”

He’d looked for her. She sank against the cabinets until she was sitting on the cold tile floor. When she could speak again, she said, “It would’ve been too hard for me to talk to you.”

“Is he treating you okay?”

“Who?”

“Miles.”

Her laugh was bitter. “No. He let me go. He told me Oleanna is mine now.”

“Oleanna,” he whispered, like it was a prayer on his lips.

“She’s due next month.”

A tiny muffled voice in the background said, “I want to talk to her,” and Aanon said, “In a minute, buddy. I need to talk to her for a few minutes first.”

“Is that Dodge?”

“Yeah. We’re celebrating him moving in with me tonight. He said you took him to get ice cream once, and he wanted the same kind he got when he was with you. Problem is, he didn’t remember the place you got it from so we had to search the whole town until he found the right one.”

She laughed and wiped tears from her eyes. “It was from the gas station.”

“Yeah, we figured it out eventually. Farrah?”

“Yes, Aanon?”

“I know I don’t have a right to ask this. You have some great life in the city, and it’s selfish of me to beg. But please come home.” His voice cracked. “It’s not the same without you here. It’s empty. I’ve been working so I can pay Miles back every penny he put up for the lawyer. Just please, come back to me.”

“And me,” Dodge said in the background.

“And I don’t just want you in the cattleman’s cabin. I swear I’ll be upfront about everything I want from now on. No one is ruling my life anymore, Farrah. No one except for you. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’ve filled this place with good memories. You taught me how to care about someone again, and every day that goes by without you here, I feel like the good parts of me are going to disappear. I want you to live with me in the big house.” His voice lowered and grew thick. “I want to be there when Oleanna is born. She’s mine as much as Dodge is. Please, Farrah—just come home.”