Shelter You (18 page)

I’m stunned by this revelation, Other than Mandy and Chris, I had no idea that he had any other siblings.

“I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s okay. It happened a long time ago.”

I nod my head slowly, knowing that he’s experienced something traumatizing tonight and that I need to proceed carefully. I don’t want him to shut down on me now. “Will you tell me about her?”

“She was twenty one when she got pregnant by some loser that she met at a party one night. They dated on and off for a while and the family never approved of him, but when she turned up pregnant they decided to move in together. No one was happy about it, but we supported her for the sake of the baby. To this day I’m not exactly sure what was going on between them but I remember that she would come back home and cry to my mom a lot. She was really stressed out. So stressed that she went into labor two months early.

I stroke his cheek much like the way he does to me. “What happened?”

“The baby was stillborn.”

“Oh my God.”

“Amy was devastated. She never recovered from that loss—she spiraled into depression, stopped talking to everyone, stopped going out and taking our phone calls. Occasionally though, I’d stop by her apartment and she’d let me in. I’d try to get her to talk to me, tell me how she was dealing, what was going on with her. Tried to get her to go see someone, a counselor, anyone, but she’d tell me that she was doing okay. This one time she told me that she had been battling insomnia, but her boyfriend had been giving her sleeping pills and that helped.”

“Go on.” I urge softly.

“It didn’t take long for her to become dependent, Mia. It happened so fast, right under everyone’s nose, and before long she had a full blown addiction. By the time we realized it, it was way beyond prescription meds.”

“Wow.” I’m sure I must sound like an idiot, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I just feel so sad and I’m holding my tears back.

“It went on for the next few years. Every time I’d see her, she looked worse and worse but I kept trying: Once a week I’d drop by after school and just spend time with her. I’d try to get her to come home. I’d talk to her about rehab, but she’d just get angry and kick me out.”

“I’m so sorry baby.”

He nods in acknowledgment and continues the story. “I don’t have to tell you what her fate was. One Friday afternoon, a few weeks before my high school graduation, I went to her apartment like I always did. Only this time she didn’t open the door.”

“Logan.” I wince, dreading this part, not sure if I want to hear the rest.

“After standing there for God knows how long, calling out for her and knocking on the door, I tried the doorknob. Sure enough, it was unlocked. You know, I think about it all the time, Mia: Why didn’t I try the doorknob earlier? Why did I wait so long to do that? What if I had gotten in the apartment early enough? What if I could have saved her?”

“No… Baby no. You couldn’t save her. You did the best you could for her, you were there for her and that’s all that matters.”

“I wanted so desperately to help her, to save her. To bring her back to us but she was just too far gone. I didn’t know how, no one did. Nothing worked.”

“It was no one’s fault. She had an addiction, she was sick,” I say, hoping that my words are sinking in.

“It was after that that I decided to become a cop. To get people like her scumbag boyfriend off the streets and to help people like Amy. I figured if I could save just one person,
just one
, then maybe her death wouldn’t be in vain.

Is that why he was so drawn to me, so invested in my well being and safety? It hurts to think about and he’s been through enough tonight but still I have to know. I need to hear it.

“Logan? Is that why you helped me? Are you trying to save me because you couldn’t save her?”

“No,” he says, shaking his head.

“I’m not her… I’m not Amy,” I say with a little bit more force than I intend.

“Hey… I know that. You’re so much braver than she was, you’re everything that she couldn’t be. You’re much stronger than she was. I know you’re not her. I do. I know you’re different, but maybe subconsciously she is the reason that I felt so compelled to help you. I’m sorry, Mia. This sounds so fucked up,” he says, pulling himself up to a sitting position.

“It’s okay,” I say, sitting up next to him. “I’m not mad, I get it. I understand why you would see similarities.”

“I couldn’t get my mind off of you after that first time I met you. It wasn’t just that I was concerned for you though, I…I thought you were beautiful.”

I’m grateful for the cloak that the darkness that the room provides right now. I don’t want him to see the flush in my cheeks.

“But there was that part of me that thought what if…”

“What?”

“What if something goes wrong? What if one bad thing happens to her? Will that be the thing that sends her down the same road my sister went down? Then when I got the report of a break in and I realized it was your apartment… I knew as soon as you opened the door that I couldn’t leave you there, Mia. I couldn’t do it.”

“I’m glad. I’m glad that you didn’t leave me there. I love you so much, Logan.”

He leans over and places a kiss on my lips. “I love you too.” He pushes me back down onto the bed, hovering just above me, looking down at me and seeking my approval. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down further. It’s all the acknowledgement he needs from me.

He quickly removes my underwear, tossing them on the floor and reaching over to the nightstand for a condom. He rips the wrapper with his teeth and rolls it on lighting fast.

There’s no foreplay tonight. He slides into me, pushing until he’s all the way in. Logan is good at making sex about me, making it about my experience and my satisfaction, but tonight it’s about him. He needs it to be and I want to give it to him.

I slide my hands down his back and hold on as he moves in and out of me slowly. He kisses my neck and I tug on his ear lightly with my teeth. I move my hips, slowly matching his rhythm, enhancing the delicious friction that comes with each move he makes. It doesn’t take long before I feel the familiar buildup of sensation rising.

“Logan!” I call.

“Let go for me baby,” he whispers.

I wrap my legs around his waist and my hands clutch his shoulders as my climax sweeps over me. Logan follows soon after with his own release, calling out my name as he comes. I hold onto him tightly, rubbing his back as he collapses on top of me—careful not to give me all of his weight.

He kisses me again, a final show of affection before he pulls away. He lies back down and pulls me into his side before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

Tim thankfully recovered from his gunshot wound and was released from the hospital a few days ago. Logan and I even visited him in the hospital a few times.

I think he needed to see for himself that his partner was going to be okay. Even though Tim is doing better, Logan is still a little bit off. He seems to be more pensive than usual, but I’m hoping that as the weeks go by he’ll return to his normal self.

I’ve been looking for a job for the past week and a half and have yet to find anything. Logan tells me not to stress myself out about it and that he doesn’t mind taking care of us, but I can’t help but want to contribute. I don’t want to become too dependent on him, because if we don’t work out I’ll be back at square one.

We ran into Sarah at the grocery store on Saturday. She took one look at us and turned her shopping cart around in an attempt to avoid us.

Logan however had other plans. He went after her and they had words. I’m pretty sure it was a heated discussion, but I wanted to avoid the whole dramatic scene so I stayed far away. Afterwards, I argued with Logan for confronting her but he told me it had been worth it and he would do it again. We made up pretty quickly because Logan is an expert at kicking up the charm when he needs to in order to get his way.

The rest of our week has been uneventful, I’m trying not to stress out about not working and really it is nice to be able to be at home and spend more time with Lily. She’s so much more alert now. She’s more active and smiles at everyone, but I can tell she prefers me and Logan.

I’ve started running as a way to clear my head because it really helps me to distress. Logan’s been all about watching Lily while I take this time to myself, his only demand being that I don’t run alone at night—a request which I’m only too happy to accept.

I turn out of the driveway and jog for the first few minutes. I turn right, heading towards the park, but right before I can break into a full run, a hand wraps around my arm and forces me to come to an abrupt stop.

I gasp as I’m pulled around to the back of a building, as my body hits the wall. My heart rate picks up, my mind is telling me to yell—to kick, punch, fight, but I’m too shocked to do a thing. I focus on the face of my assailant and my body instantly goes stiff.

I can barely breathe, but I manage to choke out his name. “Nick.”

“Hi baby,” he says, placing a hand on each side of my head, effectively caging me in. “I was beginning to think you fell off the face of the earth.”

My skin is crawling at the feel of his chest touching mine. I’m panting now, barely able to stand up on my own, or make any moves to get away; the intense fear of seeing him is paralyzing me.

How did he know where to find me?

“What are you doing here?” I whisper, hating myself for sounding so weak when I’m around him.

“I came to see you darlin.” He moves one of his hands from the wall and cups me through my yoga pants. I can feel the bile rising and fight to keep it down. “What do you say we get out of here? We can go back to my hotel and get reacquainted. One more time for old times sake huh?”

“Let go of me!” I yell, pushing his hand away from me.

“God baby, you’ve gotten feisty on me since you left. I like this new side of you, Mia. It would be great if you put up a little bit of a fight every once and a while.”

“Fuck you!” I shout, the anger starting to make me bolder now. “How did you find me?”

“How did I find you? Your parents told me where you are. They’re on their way up here to see you.”

“What?” I breathe out. I always knew they’d be able to find me eventually; I’d just hoped that they wouldn’t care anymore, that they would just let me live my life and let me be.

“I’m here to warn you, Mia. You keep that fucking little mouth of yours shut. Don’t you go getting all honest on me now.”

I jut my chin out in defiance. “Why would I lie for you? I have nothing left to lose.”

“Oh you think not? Nothing has changed. The rules are still the same, only now instead of hurting your parents, I’ll focus on that little boyfriend of yours. But first I’ll make sure to tell him all about you and how you opened up those legs for me.”

I can’t stop the tears from falling. Logan can never know what happened to me, what I allowed to happen. “Leave him out of this.”

He wipes a tear away and gently strokes my hair, which only causes me to cry more. “I’ve seen you two together, you and him with your little brat.”

“Don’t you dare speak about her!”

“Shut up!” He yells, grabbing hold of my neck. “Your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re bringing their lawyer with them and they’re going to try and make you sign those adoption papers.”

“They can’t make me do anything. I’m an adult.”

“You will sign those papers and hand that kid over if you know what is good for you. That little brat is a connection between you and I that can not exist. Do. You. Understand. Me? You do what you have to do or I will.” He spits out, throwing me down to the ground.

I cry out as my shoulder hits the concrete, but I do my best to recover quickly. By the time I look up, Nick is gone and he’s left my life in the path of destruction.

I pick myself up from the ground and lean against the cold building, trying to get my emotions under control. I have to think. I have to figure out my next move and there’s no way that I can let Logan see me like this.

My instincts are telling me to get Lily and run, to just go find another place to live—another state, but the thought of leaving Logan behind kills me; it causes an ache that I’m not sure I can live through. I may not have a choice though.

I can’t ask him to help me, not because he wouldn’t, but because I can’t tell him the truth. I can never tell him about my past because he would never be able to look at me the same way. And if I do say something, if I do tell him what happened, Nick could do something to hurt him. I could never live with myself if that happened.

I start to walk back home, my feet feeling heavier with each step I take. This is my home, I love it here, and I love this town, the house I’ve come to share with Logan. The little life that we’re building together is more than I could have ever hoped for but I always knew that keeping Lily meant sacrificing my own dreams. Maybe this life with Logan is just another dream that I need to sacrifice, something else I need to let go of, because as much as I love Logan it would absolutely kill me to lose Lily.