Shelter You (17 page)

“What was?” he asks, bringing his lips to my neck.

“New York,” I say, taking a sip of my coffee “You asked me a while back if I had a dream. This was it. I got accepted to NYU, I was going to move here and study psychology. I did what my parents wanted and applied to colleges in Florida but I knew that this was the only place I wanted to go.”

“I’m sorry that you had to give that up.”

“I am too.”

“Maybe it can still happen for you.”

“How?”

“We can figure it out somehow. Maybe not tomorrow but in a year or two.”

“Maybe,” I say with little conviction in my voice. I know it will never happen now and I wouldn’t change that. I sacrificed this for the chance to raise Lily and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Maybe I can go to a community college once Lily gets older. “Should we be heading back home soon?” I ask, effectively shutting down the topic.

“Yeah, we should go get Lily. I miss her.”

“You do?”

“Of course.”

“How did I ever get so lucky? How did this even happen? I ran away thinking it would just be Lily and me forever and I was okay with that as long as I got to be with her but you… this… not even in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined finding someone like you.”

“I know you think it’s all going to go away but it’s not. I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I love you, both of you.”

I hold onto his words like a life preserver, keeping me afloat when just the thought of losing him causes waves of sadness and fear to crash over me.

The ride home is quick and Logan’s parents were running errands most of the morning and since they were already out they’re waiting for us at the house when we arrive. When I finally have Lily back in my arms I’m ecstatic. It’s amazing to have Logan’s family around to watch her. Every once and a while I need a break and I know I wouldn’t get that without them, but I really miss her when she’s gone. Logan lets me have my bonding moment with her and then snatches her away from me. Her face lights up at the sight of him could he be a father figure to Lily, could he really play that role in her life and would he even want to. What if we break up? How will that affect her? I try not to let these questions dampen my good mood, but fear is a hard emotion to let go of and as much as I love Logan, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if he knows what he’s getting into, if he’s really in it for the long haul.

His parents stay for lunch and by the time they leave I’m feeling a little run down. My head is achy, my eyes feel heavy and my body is tired. I sit bundled into a ball on the couch, while Lily lies on the floor kicking at the play gym that Logan bought her last week.

“Babe, you want coffee?” Logan calls from inside the kitchen.

“No thanks!” I call back, lacking the energy to say much more than that. I hear his footsteps but don’t bother looking up.

“Since when don’t you want coffee?” He stops in front of the couch and crouches down in front of me. “What’s wrong?” He inquires, the worry evident in his tone.

I attempt a smile and shake my head. “Nothing, I’m just a little tired is all.”

He places the palm of his hand on my forehead and then circles it to the nape of my neck. “You have a fever.”

“What? No.”

“Yes,” he says, scrunching his nose at me. “Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down for a bit. I’ll bring you some aspirin.”

“Maybe when Lily takes her nap. I just fed her so she should be tiring out soon.”

“I’ve got Lily. You go.” He orders.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. Go.”

“Okay.” I make my way upstairs to our bedroom, change into a pair of sweats and ungracefully throw myself onto the bed. Logan comes up a few minutes later with aspirin and a bottled water. I’m shivering cold so he tucks me under the comforter to warm me up. It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep.

The room is completely dark when I wake up. I look over at the clock on the nightstand and I’m shocked by how late it is. Immediately my thoughts go to Lily, she hasn’t been fed in hours. I throw the covers off of me and stand up. My limbs are sore, it hurts to walk, and I can tell that the fever is back.

I open the door and step into the hallway. I’m about to head downstairs when the sound of running water registers in my head. I turn towards the direction of the bathroom that connects to Lily’s room. I can hear Logan’s voice, but it’s too low for me to hear what he’s saying.

I tiptoe to the doorway, lean forward, and when I peek into the bathroom, I see Lily perched in her baby bath and pumping her feet.

When the water splashes, Logan wipes his face and chuckles. “Alright little stinker, this is your bath not mine,” he says to her with a smile on his face. He shuts the water off and grabs her towel, laying it out on his lap until it’s completely open. He plucks Lily out of her little tub, rests her on his lap, and gently swaddles her in the towel.

He takes Lily into her room and lays her down on the changing table. Then he puts her diaper on with no hesitation, making sure that it’s secure and in place. He squirts baby lotion on his hands and gently works it into her skin. Finally, he pulls a warm pajama from her drawer and gets her dressed. All the while having playful one-sided conversations with her.

“I know you’re standing there, Mia. You can stop snooping.”

I let out a giggle. “I’m not snooping, you’re just so good with her. It’s adorable.”

“Are you feeling any better?” He looks up at me, eyes dancing over my body as if he’s looking for signs of life.

“I still have a fever I think.”

He picks Lily up one last time before placing a kiss on her head and putting her down in her crib. “Go back to bed. I’ll bring you more aspirin and some tea.”

“I need to feed her.”

“I already did.”

I tilt my head in question. “You already fed her?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you feed her?” I look at him like he’s lost his mind. I’m almost scared to hear his answer.

He strides across the room and stops when he’s just inches away from me. His face shows a hint of humor as he grins down at me. “One of the many packets of breast milk you have stored in the back of my freezer.”

I gasp and cover my eyes, pretty sure I’ve turned several shades of red at this point. “You knew that was there?”

“Kinda hard to miss babe.”

“Do you think it’s gross?” I ask, peeking through my fingers.

He pulls my hands off of my face and shakes his head. “No. I think it’s life. I think that you’re an incredible mom and you don’t have to hide it in the back of the freezer. I already know it’s there.”

I say nothing, just rest my head on his chest and circle my arms around his waist.

He holds me for a moment, swaying me back and forth gently. “Let’s get you to bed.” He tucks me into his side and walks me back across the hall. Then he helps me into bed and promises to come back with some aspirin.

I lie here, my mind running a mile a minute. I’ve seen glimpses of Logan bonding with Lily in the past, but seeing him with her now just melted me. I feel my eyes pooling with unshed tears. It’s not that I’m unhappy, just sad that Lily was born into this situation. That she couldn’t have a mother and father who loved and wanted her from the start. Instead she got someone like me who knew nothing about being a parent, except for that I wanted to be nothing like mine. She got me, taking her on the run as soon as we got out of the hospital, going from town to town hiding out in hotel rooms until we finally made it here.

What kind of start is that to her life? I push those thoughts out of my mind reminding myself that this was the only choice, the only way for Lily and me to stay together. I did the best thing that I could for our little family and finding Logan was just an amazing bonus. Whether he sticks around or not will be entirely up to him.

“You alright?” Logan asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Yes. I was just thinking about how far Lily and I have come. I worry, you know? I worry that I’m doing damage to her, that I’m not giving her what she needs.”

“That’s crazy. Could she have had a good life with adoptive parents? Yes, Mia she could have and she might have been happy but you’re her mom. You wanted the chance to raise her, you deserved that chance and babe you’re doing an
amazing
job. She’s happy, she’s loved and she’s well taken care of. What more could she want?”

Two parents who love her…

I want to say it but I don’t. I don’t because it’s really not his problem and I really don’t want him to think that Sarah was right. That I’m with him just so that he can take the place of Lily’s dad because that’s not true.

“You’re right,” I say with a small smile. “I just doubt myself sometimes.”

“Well don’t. Don’t ever doubt yourself.” He kisses my forehead and hands me more aspirin. He takes the bottled water from me when I’ve finished drinking and hands me a bowl of soup. “Eat up. You need to have something in your stomach.”

I do as he asks, not realizing how hungry I was until I’ve eaten some of the warm soup. It feels strange having someone to look out for me this way.

When I was younger and sick, I’d had to fend for myself. I could barely get my mom to take me to the doctor, let alone take care of me. I’d see the relationship that my friends had with their parents and wish that I had the same thing, but my parents were more concerned with money and financial status. I honestly think that they had me so that they would look like they had the perfect family.

It was all about appearances to them, which is why I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that Lily’s upbringing is different. I want her childhood to be better than mine and I’ll make sure that it happens with or without Logan.

Logan has the late shift again tonight. I find that these are the times when his job is the hardest for me to accept. When he’s gone long into the early hours of the morning, my mind runs wild wondering what he’s out there doing. I try my hardest to get sleep in between Lily’s feedings but it’s difficult and I imagine that it never gets any easier.

I let out a sigh of relief when I hear the front door open and close; he’s home and I know that he’s safe. I see the light from the master bathroom flicker and figure that he must have accessed it from the hallway. He normally comes in to say hello to me before he showers but tonight he doesn’t. I toy with the idea of going in there to make sure he’s okay but I think better of it. I push the worry out of my head and wait, wait for him to come to me. To tell me if something is wrong, even though deep down I feel that something is definitely off.

A few minutes later, Logan enters our bedroom wearing just a towel. He bypasses the dresser where he keeps his boxer briefs and heads straight for the bed, straight for me. He pulls the sheets back, tosses the towel to the ground and climbs into bed. His head lands on my chest and my hands instinctively reach out for him.

I gently massage the top of his head. I don’t know why his behavior scares me, but it’s not a fear of him hurting
me,
it’s more a fear of him being hurt.

“Logan?” I whisper softly. I don’t need to say anything else, he can hear the question in my voice.

He angles his head so that he can look at me. When our eyes meet I can see the sadness dancing in his.

“Tim was shot tonight,” he says.

“Tim?”

“My partner.”

I let out a gasp. “Officer Clark?”

He says nothing, just nods.

I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. My heart breaks for him because it’s clear to see that he’s struggling with this. “Oh my God, Logan. Is he alright?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know...He was hurt pretty badly and he’s in stable condition now, but we just have to wait and see.” I can hear the defeat in his voice, the sadness and the fear. It’s overwhelming and I want to protect him, shelter him from the pain but I know it’s not possible.

“What happened?”

“A robbery at a convenience store. The owner tripped the alarm behind the cash register, and we were the first unit at the scene. We got there just as the robber was trying to get away. Tim approached first and the guy took a shot, didn’t even think twice about it. Hit him right in the chest. He didn’t get away though. I fired my weapon, shot him in the arm.”

“Babe, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

“What you’re doing is great. It’s perfect. This is exactly what I need.”

He lies there for a while, resting in my arms, his breath starts to even out and I think he’s finally fallen asleep but his soft voice breaks through the silence.

“I just don’t know if I can lose somebody else.”

I go on alert, unsure of what he’s saying exactly. “What do you mean? Who have you lost?”

He pushes off of me and falls back onto his pillow then covers his face with his arm. “No one, I just…”

I pull his arm away from his face. “Do you trust me?” He looks at me with sad eyes and strokes my cheek. “Trust me, you can tell me.”

He takes another moment but finally answers. “Amy.”

“Who is Amy?”

He takes a deep breath and gives me a sad smile. “Amy was my older sister. She died when I was eighteen.”