She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (12 page)

She patted my cheek like a child, “We will tour whenever you want, but I need to clear it with Shane.”

“He doesn’t own you.”

“Technically soon he will, and I love the sound of it.” She trilled.

I shook my head, “Whatever Kat”

She giggled and put her arms around me, “Don’t be so sour, Tom, you know I still love you.”

I snorted, “Jesus Kat.”

She bit her bottom lip, letting go of me

“Sorry” she said quickly.

My eyes met hers, she felt it still, and I knew it. She swiftly turned away, “I… I need to go…” she managed.

She spun away and went out the door before I could stop her.

Kat

December 1985

Drew and Tammy married in the beginning of December and of course, I was forced to go.

The reception was beautiful and Tammy actually looked pretty. Nick danced with me and told me I looked more beautiful than the bride, which I already knew, and that I wasn’t supposed to outshine the bride on her wedding day. That got me laughing at least. After my dance with Nick, I went to sit down with Shane and drank way too much vodka. After some time I found myself desperately needing to relieve myself. Stumbling, I went to the bathroom and went just in time.

When I came out Drew was standing there. He came towards me and breathed my name into my ear as he backed me towards the counter. He looked almost childlike with his soft full blonde hair on his shoulders and his beautiful blue eyes staring into my soul, making me feel warm and wanted. I don’t know what made me okay with all this, probably the fact that Drew and I never had a closure, but Drew slowly stated kissing me as he sat me up on the counter. He lifted my dress in one smooth motion as I said his name in a halfhearted protest. His eyes sparkled at my modest protest and he continued. His mouth came down on me harder as he undid his pants to let them fall to a pool at his ankles and lifted his cock out. Pushing and rubbing against me, it soon found my core and I gasped as I dug my fingers into his back as I had so many times before. We moved together right there on the counter, softly moaning, so when we came together, it was as though those past few months never happened. Still hard, inside of me our fluids mixed together and dripping onto to the counter top, he kissed me and held me close. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out and went to pull up his pants as I felt the emptiness he had left. He went to leave, and then turned back around saying softly, “She’s three months pregnant”. He left. I instantly regretted what I had done, it could have been the vodka, or the disgust on which I held with myself, but I threw up all over the sink. I never wanted to see or speak to Drew again.

Shane

December 1985

The Next Day

Kat was not amused at Tammy’s pregnancy.

“Why are you even upset?”

“Because I should be pregnant not her!” she shouted.

Yeah she was in a mood.

We walked through the door of our house where she took her birth control pills and threw them in the trash.

“Okay, so were not even going to discuss this now?” I walked over to the trash where the unopened packets sat dated from months ago. “I don’t even know why you even have those anyways, you never take them” I said
It was a fucking miracle she hadn’t gotten pregnant already.

“Maybe I’m infertile,” she spat, “Any who, I want to have a baby with you, Shane.”

“Because Tammy is or because you want to with me.”

“Because I want to with you!”

“I… I don’t know Kat, I don’t know if I want to have kids right now, were really focusing on our careers and...”

She stormed off, obviously angry. She had been more irritable of late and it was starting to take its toll.

Kat

December 1985 Christmas Eve

Shane and I had decided to throw a Christmas party. We had just purchased a new house outside of the city and it had more than enough room for the two of us. I had known for a couple days now that I was pregnant, after being a little more than a week late and finally taking a test. I was nervous at first, but counting the dates, I had definitely already been pregnant when I had slept with Drew weeks ago.

I was nervous to tell Shane and was planning in my mind when and where I would do it, especially after my little escapade I had pulled in front of him earlier this month.

What a coincidence…

While everyone was out in the living room drinking, I dragged Thomas to the kitchen and let out a deep breath.

“What’s going on with you, Kat?”He asked his hand on my elbow and a concerned look in his eyes.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Have you told Shane?” he asked in a low voice.

“No, I haven’t yet.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I…” I stopped; he was staring at me confused. “What?” I asked

“I don’t get why you’re telling me and not him”

“I…”

“I mean, I’m happy for you, Kat, but we’re not together, nor are I the father, so why tell me?”

“I thought you’d be happy for me,” I tried to explain.

He shrugged.

“But you’re not…” I said slowly

“Not really, Kat, no.”

“Why?”

“Cause,” he let out a breath, “I guess I just thought maybe…”

“That
we
would end up together?” I answered for him. “You said…”

He stopped me. “Its okay, Kat though, I get it. And, maybe… just maybe you’ll feel this way when I get married and have kids too.”

My eyes widened, he noticed.

“What? You don’t think I’ll ever get married and have kids? Cause I would like to someday with someone. Obviously not you…”

I turned away from him before he could read my face.

“Look at me, Kat” he said as he grabbed my wrists as I tried to cover my face, forcing them to my sides, my face close to his and my eyes full of unwanted tears.

“Please stop,” I sobbed.

“Tell me you don’t want me to, it’s what you’re thinking. You don’t want me to be with anyone else but you, the thought of it is visibly upsetting you so…”

My voice squeaked as I tried to respond. “Tom…”

“Am I right?” He asked in a low whisper.

I shut my eyes tight for a moment, and then opened them as I shook my head ‘yes’.

“God damn it, Kat, don’t do this to me, not right now,” he breathed out.

“If I could do it any other way,” I said, tears flowing down my face now, as I prayed no one would come onto the kitchen to view our mess.

“You’d do what?” he murmured “Hmmm?”

“I’d…I’d…”

“Tell me,” he said softly, his face inches from mine.

“I’d be with you, you know I would. I love you, I always have,” the words escaping my lips before I could think upon them.

“Jesus Christ, Kat,” his lips met mine with a sudden rush of ecstasy. His arms came around me as he moved in rhythm with me, his body pushing me against the sink.

“What are you doing?”

Tom turned around.

“Fuck,” I said, biting my bottom lip, as I saw Ian walk into the kitchen.

“Seriously, what are you
both
doing?” he asked

“Just getting another drink,” Tom explained

“And that involves you sucking face with Kat?”

“Stop, please, let’s just go back out with everyone else,” I said to them both, putting a hand between Ian and Thomas.

“Fine,” Tom said, glaring at Ian and pushing past both of us.

Ian turned to me, “What are you playing at, Kat?”

“I wish I knew,” I joked. When he looked at me harshly, I quickly said, “it’s not going to affect anything, I promise.”

I wiped my eyes as he gave me an awkward one arm hug, “Come on, Kitty Kat”, he said as we went and rejoined the others.

Thomas

December 1985

It was a little after three in the morning as I sat on one of the lounge chairs by the indoor pool. Everyone else had either gone home or had passed out somewhere in Kat’s house.

Some party
I thought to myself.

I heard a small noise, as I looked over and saw Kat come through the screen door, quietly shutting it; she saw me and put a finger to her lip with a small,
Shhh
.

“I thought you were sleeping?” I asked.

She quickly sat beside me, “I couldn’t”

My breath came quicker looking at her in just her underwear and an overly large tee shirt. She pulled her knees to her chin as she tilted her head at me. “I forgot to tell you ‘Happy Birthday’, she whispered.

“Thanks” I snorted.

She put her feet back on the ground and inched towards me. She then reached up a hand and moved my hair out of my face. “I meant what I said Tom,” she said.

I looked her up and down once. Her lips were red where she had rubbed off her lipstick and her eyes rimmed in a soft grey where her eyeliner had faded to clouds around her eyes.

Who moved first? I couldn’t bet my life on it, but my lips were on hers and I was moving in her right there on the lounge chair.

Shane

December 1985

Kat had slipped out of bed, not knowing I was awake. I followed her as she went out to the pool and sat beside Thomas. When they kissed I had to stop myself from going out and drowning him. And so I watched, wordlessly, as the woman I loved, the woman I was engaged to, the woman
I
was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, get plowed by another man right in front of me. I had thought him a friend, how wrong was I?

Kat

December 1985

Shane wasn’t very talkative the next day as guests left the house, in fact, he practically ignored me.

Finally I asked him what was wrong when he went to go sit at his desk and write new music. He looked up at me as I stood in front of him.

He let out a breath, “Do you really want to marry me, Kat?”

“Yeah, why would you ask me that?”

He went to speak, and then stopped, moistening his lips. He looked down at the desk, then back up to me, “I saw you and Tom last night… this morning, whatever.” He said casually.

Fuck
I thought to myself as my eyes widened, I had really done it this time

“Shane, it was nothing,” I said defensively.

“I don’t want to hear it, Kat.” he said, standing up.

My bottom lip quivered as my mouth opened slightly. “I’m sorry, Shane.”

“Are you?”

I nodded hard.

“Kat, you’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I love you, I’m... I’m
obsessed
with everything about you, but I just think maybe you need more time to figure out what you want, and me? I don’t know if I have that time.”

“So what are you saying? You think we should break up?”

He nodded.

Tears formed in my eyes as my breath came shaky.

“Come on, Kat, all we have done is arguing the last few months, and now this? I think it’s telling us something. We can still be friends…”

I had to think fast…

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted it out quickly.

His mouth was agape as he blinked confused. “You’re what?” He put his palm to his forehead, he shook his head; “I’m sorry what?”

“I’m pregnant, with your baby, Shane.”

He paused, taking in my words.

“Then why would you fuck him?” he asked, his face crumpling.

I had nothing to say, I stood, as tears began to run down my cheeks openly.

He leaned on the desk, his palms flat down.

“Okay, Okay,” he came over to me. “Let’s figure this out,”

“I won’t touch him again,” my words mashed together.

“Like hell you won’t” he said harshly

I put my head in my hands and cried, my breath coming in heaves, unable to control myself.

I heard him let out a frustrated breath.

“Shush” he told me as he pulled my head to his chest.

I held onto him as if my life depended on it, in heavy sobs, letting go all the pain I had thought was the worst I could ever feel.

January 1986

I was pissed when she told me that Shane had given her a second chance. All the feeling I had left done. I went to the bar and fucked the first chick that would have me, but I kept picturing her. I felt cursed, destined to rot the rest of my days in her wake.

Shane

February 1986

Kat and I settled together as she took a small break from
Neptune
who she informed of her condition. The break did wonders for her, as she was speaking to Thomas on a limited basis. I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t, and after all, Kat was a beautiful and tempting woman. If I had been engaged to her, maybe I would have felt differently, but I could tell she was truly sorry, and so we tried fresh. With her pregnancy progressing, I found myself falling deeper and deeper for her charms.

Drew

March 1986

It was a nightmare to have both women pregnant at once. While Tammy was glowing, Kat was sickly and depressed. Although I had feelings for Kat, my wife was the most pleasant to be around during this time.

“Are you still sleeping with Tammy?” Shane asked me randomly one day after practice.

“Uh, yeah, of course,” I said. “Why?”

He shrugged, “I dunno, I guess I’ve been nervous to with Kat in her… er… condition.”

“Tammy wants it, like all the time.”

“So does Kat, but… I can’t seem to do it.”

“Look, she knows her body, if she feels like something is wrong, she will stop, and I’m sure.” I explained.

“Yeah…” he paused… “You’re probably right.”

“We have been doing it, no issues. Have you, um, not been doing it with Kat?”

“Not as much as we used to or as much as I would like,” he said with a cocked smile.

“I gotta get going,” I said. He nodded as he continued to clean up.

As I went up the stairs, I encountered Kat. “Hey,” I said.

“Hi,” she responded in a low voice.

“Wait,” I said grabbing her arm. She looked down where my hand was her face pale.

She then looked up at me through her eyelashes. She spoke slowly and softly, “What do you want, Drew…”

I went to kiss her. I don’t know what possessed me to. She let me touch her lips briefly to mine, before turning her head away.

Shane walked up the stars again then, observing both of us, his face in a frown.

“I was looking for you,” Kat said to him forcing a smile.

He gave her a small smile before asking if we were going to stay in the stairway all night.

I watched the two of them together.
So they weren’t sleeping together now
I thought to myself. It just fueled my passion for her; I had to take my mind off of her.

I went upstairs and put my hand on Shane’s shoulder, winking at him. He smiled, chuckling. “Alright,” he said, “I’ll see you later.”

Kat smiled at me, I needed to go home to my wife before I took her right there and then, the thought of her, deprived, set me on fire.

Shane

March 1986

I took Drew’s advice and slept with Kat. It was long overdue. She seemed thankful for it, but something was missing that had been there before, a sort of spark. I was still drawn to her, but with her budding belly and sullen moods, it didn’t excite me. I felt protective of her, as she was carrying my child, but sexually, I had trouble placing her. She still wanted it, all the time in fact. Was I wrong in not giving it to her? I wasn’t afraid to lose her; after all… we had gone through so much to be together... Maybe it was happening to fast for me. Although I had just turned thirty, I felt unready. The picture of her and Thomas still lurked in the back of my mind. Kat seemed so sure of everything, so eager, so hopeful… so... young.

Thomas

April 1986

After almost four months, I saw Kat for the first time.

She ran up to me, hugging me tight, “How have you been?” she asked

“Me? How about you?” I exclaimed looking at her budding stomach

She giggled, “Rough, but I’m feeling a little better now that I’m past the first couple months…

She took a seat on the couch.

“So what happened, Kat? Why the long hiatus?”I asked

“The pregnancy, silly, why else?”

“I haven’t seen you or Shane in almost four months… I highly doubt it was just because of the pregnancy…”

She sighed.

“We just needed some time by ourselves, Tom, to work on our relationship. Everything is okay now though.”

“I was worried; I thought we weren’t friends anymore.” I told her

“Tom,” she cradled her head in her hands for a moment before slowly looking up at me. “Shane saw us… by the pool…”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shrugged. “He was going to leave me…but then… I had to tell him I was pregnant.” She looked down at her feet.

“Well fuck, Kat.” I breathed out.

“That’s why I haven’t seen you. Shane told me I could today because he knows I’ve been working on some new songs and…” she caught me staring, “What?”

“I didn’t expect you to look so normal pregnant.”

“Tom, I’m only like five months, I’m gonna get a lot bigger.”

“I know… I just didn’t think you’d look so good.” I said honestly.

“Stop it,” she said blushing

“So everything is good with you and Shane now, for real?” I asked again

“Yes, I swear. He is okay with you to, I promise.”

I secretly felt ashamed of myself as Kat spoke about her pregnancy and her relationship. I felt angry towards her, as I glared at her growing bump, betrayed almost. She made me feel emotions I never wanted to, and having her here now brought it all back.

I almost wished she hadn’t come.

Kat

May 1986

I was due in September and honestly it really couldn’t come soon enough. Shane babied me to the point where I was not touring at all and I was hopelessly bored and depressed most of the time. We hadn’t gotten married yet because I did not want to remember my wedding looking like a cow. I hated the weight that I had put on during the pregnancy and now in my sixth month, I was starting to feel it. The last few months had been a constant battle between Shane and Thomas. Although they had rekindled their friendship, unbeknownst to me how they even managed that, I felt frustration with them both. Shane tried to insist that I should rest more and not practice with
Neptune
, but Thomas and I thought I would be just fine. I probably
would
have been fine but instead my fiancé got what he wanted and kept me on close watch. Tammy was also pregnant of course and was due any day now, but seemed to be a natural at it. I wanted to be on stage and out in the crowd with Thomas and the rest of the band and I could tell, although the guys had time off, that they were anxious as I was to get back touring and practicing.

“No, Kat is not going to be doing any of it. Not till she gives birth, it’s not safe,” Shane voiced.

“Maybe she should be making choices for herself?’ Thomas said.

I felt as if I had no control over my own life anymore.

Shane and I continued to have sex throughout the pregnancy, although I am sure he would have tried to stop that too if it wasn’t for the doctors telling us it was perfectly fine to and actually healthy. It wasn’t enjoyable at all most of the time because of his constant worrying and when I went into labor in August, a couple weeks early, he was convinced it was because we had sex the night before.

The night I went into labor I had just gotten back from an
Arctic Circle
practice that Shane had dragged me to at his new studio two blocks away from our home. At first I felt cramps and just wanted to lie down, but was soon awoken by a more intense feeling which shook through my body and brought me to a breaking point. I had never felt so vulnerable. At this point Shane realized what was going on and took me to the hospital. My body had a hard time adjusting to giving birth. It was troublesome and quite difficult. Nothing like those stupid movies make it out to be, nice and easy. They were starting to consider a cesarean after a while because of my inability to push, but my selfish thoughts of a large scar ruining my career over took me and I refused. I would live through the pain rather than have it cost me my career if I could help it. Shane was with me the entire time and when my daughter finally made her appearance in the world after eighteen hours of labor, I couldn’t have been happier. Darla was beautiful, from her tiny nose to her curly brown hair she was the combination of Shane and I at our best. Although she brought joy to my life, her birth also brought the news that, since the birth had been so tough on my body, the chances of my conceiving again were close to nothing.

Thomas

August 1986

As much as I resented Kat for getting pregnant and having a daughter, I had fallen in love with Darla. She was a wonderful addition and Kat adored her. “What do you think of her?” Kat asked
“She’s beautiful,” I responded kissing her on the forehead. Kat herself looked radiant. Being a mother suited her, although if you asked her she would have said the opposite.

Shane walked in the hospital room, “How are my two favorite ladies?” he beamed.

“Thomas!” he said pulling me into an embrace when he saw me.

He had never looked more jubilant.

He was smiling ear to ear to be a new father. I wondered briefly to myself if I would ever get a chance to feel that way.

Shane sat down next to Kat who was holding Darla, a picture perfect family. Jealousy ran through me. It could have been me, I thought.
Could have…

Kat

October 1986

Drew and Tammy had brought their daughter into the world a couple months before I had and Tammy, since she didn’t do shit, offered to sit Darla for us so we could better resume our careers. Of course I would let her, as much as I resented her for having it easy. Shane and Darla helped keep me busy and now Thomas and
Neptune
on top of it all. Once I fully recovered I would resume my position in
Neptune
.

Before all this was to happen, I got married to Shane. It didn’t take me long to get back into shape after the birth so in two months’ time I was almost back to my normal self.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Thomas asked as we got ready to go to the courthouse where we were meeting Shane.

“Yes… why wouldn’t I? He’s the father of my child Tom.”

He came closer to me. “Don’t do it if you doubt it at all.”

My mouth opened slightly, “Do you know something I don’t?”

He shook his head ‘no’ then lightly touched my cheek with his thumb as he looked down at me. His lips brushed mine softly. I opened my mouth to take him in as his hand gripped my neck, sending my perfectly placed curls haywire.

I broke free from him, “We’re going to be late.”

His eyes narrowed.

“Don’t do this to me, Tom, not right now,” I said as I forced tears to stop from falling.

“Kat, I love you, I always have. If you leave him and come with me I swear you’ll never regret it.”

Before I could stop myself, I ran back up to him, throwing myself at him, my arms around his neck, in his hair, and our lips meeting passionately. His body pressed hard against me as tears rolled down my face. I did love him, but I couldn’t leave Shane. I wouldn’t have Darla in a broken family like mine had been.

I forced myself to break away from him again.

He stood across from me. “You didn’t feel anything, Kat?” he asked in a low voice.

I shook my head no furiously to get the thoughts out of my head.

I had felt too much, so much more than I ever had with anyone else.

We didn’t speak a word on our way to the courthouse where Shane took me in open arms, and Thomas’ hard stare never leaving me.

I hadn’t slept with Shane since before the birth because of the pain and discomfort I felt in every move I made. I had a third degree laceration which needed stitches on top of the wear and tear inside of my body. At almost twenty years old I was a mother and a wife. It all felt new and exciting to me with all the responsibilities which were being added to my life daily.

Shane decided that if I was going to go back on tour, it would be with
Arctic Circle
. Thomas was not too happy about this because he wanted
Neptune
to go on tour by ourselves so we could headline. We knew we would always be second if we paired with such a big name artist like
Arctic Circle
. Shane didn’t want me to be away from him and our daughter for that long and I did want to go back on tour so Thomas agreed to go for the sake of the group and my relationship. At least in this situation, Shane would be able to keep an eye on me and I suppose I would be able to keep an eye on him also. Part of me felt that if I did not sleep with him soon, he would look elsewhere. Regardless of any pain I was in, I was determined it would happen. I spoke to Thomas about my worries but of course my best friend told me that I should not. According to Thomas, Shane was obsessed with me and even more so now that I had given him Darla. I hoped he was right.