Shhh... Gianna's Side (2 page)

“What
about you, Gia? You understanding the material?” The fact that my father had to ask this further ingrained in my mind that he thought McKenzie was better.

“Yeah…I get it
,” I lied. I didn’t understand it at all.

“Are you sure? Do we need to get you a tutor?” he questioned with an authoritative tone.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I whispered, trying to keep my head high.

“Keep listening to what Mack is explaining. She knows what she is doing. Just follow her lead. We don’t want your grades to be slipping, Gia. Your mother and I pay a lot of money
in tuition to offer you the best and we expect to see results.”

“I understand.”

“Don’t worry, Kyle. I won’t let her fall behind. I promise.” Mack beamed, looking straight into my father’s eyes. He grinned in response and tugged on her hair.

“I know you won’t
, Mack.” He excused himself to go find my mother, and it was then that I noticed I was holding my breath. I let out a sigh of relief when he exited the room. I wanted nothing more than to go running after him and tell him I was smart. I could do it. I didn’t need Mack’s help; I could figure it out on my own. Just because I didn’t understand it right away didn’t mean I was a failure.

“I’m smart
, too, Mack.”

S
he cocked her head to the side with a confused expression written all over her pretty little face. “I know you are, Gia. There is nothing wrong with how you learn. It takes you a little bit longer, but once you get it, it stays. I will help you; I won’t let you fall behind. You’re my best friend. We have plans to go to the same college, remember?” she said and I nodded.

We had lots of plans to do a lot of things. Most of the time it was her who came up with them and I followed along with what she said. I was only nine
when I realized I wanted to do something different. I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to see things I read about in books, I wanted to go backpacking through Europe and stay in hostels and meet new people. I couldn’t tell her that, though…she wouldn’t understand. Mack had these big plans for us to go to college, become successful with decorating, and make lots of money.

Her idea of a life was so cookie cutter, like the perfect image of the movies we saw…meet prince charming and have
him sweep you off your feet, get married, and then live happily ever after.

Blah! So boring…

I didn’t say anything and smiled, exactly how I did every time. We continued as we were.

When we graduated from fifth grade
, our parents made a huge deal about it. They threw us a combined graduation party and pulled out all the stops. Both of our families were extremely well off. I guess you could call us high class; we had the best homes, cars, clothing, you know…all the things that money could buy. My mother was probably the most vain person I had ever met, she was always perfectly put together and expected the same exact thing from her daughter. No one would talk about the Edwards; our name would not be gossiped about by people in our town of Shayla Harbor, Rhode Island.

We lived in one of those towns where everyone knew who you were and knew everything about you. Our family needed to appear picture
-perfect. I don’t ever remember there being any conflict in our home. My parents didn’t really fight, at least not that I personally saw. If they were arguing, then they kept it behind closed doors. My mother and father were both beautiful people, they looked like they should be in catalogs and magazines. I often found myself admiring my mother from afar; we always had a great relationship. Sometimes I felt like she knew what I was going through, but she had no idea how to approach me about it. We talked about everything…most of the time. There were things I couldn’t share with her, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t find the words to express myself, and I was terrified that she wouldn’t understand. I already thought I was a disappointment to one parent and I didn’t want to lose another.

Our graduation party had the works
–a clown, pony rides, face painting, even a fucking magician. All of our friends were there as well as their parents. I socialized exactly how it was expected of me. I made my way around to everyone, kissing them on the cheek and thanking them for coming to our party. My mom dressed me in the most ridiculous outfit. I hated it, but McKenzie wore the exact same thing. We looked like two porcelain dolls. Mack loved our dresses; she spun around in it for hours before people started showing up. I wanted to rip mine off as soon as I had it on. The pantyhose made my skin itchy and hot, and the black baby-doll shoes pinched my toes. But I did what I had always done, I kissed my mother and thanked her for the gorgeous outfit and spun around in circles just like Mack.

After my mother felt like I had socialized enough for her standards
, I was finally permitted to do my own thing. And the first thing I did was run up to my tree-house to take a moment for myself. I don’t know how long I was up there admiring the children who looked so happy and carefree. I wondered what they all thought about as they participated in our extravagant party. Were they jealous of me? Did they think I had it all? Was I envied?

I watched Mack get
her face painted excited as she picked out the colors and designs. All black and silver, exactly the kind of girl she was. She had butterflies all over her face and glitter was used as the wings. I related to the butterflies that were designed on her face more than I did with the girl that was in front of me. I wanted to fly away and be free. To be myself, whomever that may be. With no judgment or expectations of who I thought I was supposed to be. She ran right over to my dad, looking for praise and admiration I’m sure, and he gave her every last bit of it. His eyes shined as she flapped her arms up and down in the same motion as a butterfly twirling in circles around him. He laughed at her innocence.

I wanted to feel like that. I wanted to feel anything other
than the suffocating emotions I felt on a daily basis, like I was being strangled. I didn’t breathe the normal air that surrounded me; I inhaled dark clouds and hazy skies. All of which left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth and especially in my life. In a way, I was like the doll I was dressed like that day–absolutely perfect on the outside and hollow in existence on the inside. The portrayal of the perfect girl that only existed to everyone else because I was far from it. We were miles apart, countries really…

“Gianna! Gia! Where are you?” Mack yelled.

There was no way she could find me hiding from everyone. She wouldn’t understand. I slowly climbed down from the tree-house, making sure I didn’t rip my pantyhose. I walked around the back of the house and came in through the front.

“Gia! Where have you been? Look at my face! It’s your turn. Come on! Let’s get you
r face painted exactly like mine. We will be twins!” she exclaimed when she found me in the kitchen.

“Okay!” I replied with the same enthusiasm.

We didn’t have to help our parents clean up when the party was over. They hired people to do that. I took off my outfit the minute my mom said it was all right to. Mack stayed in hers, she said she would never have an opportunity to wear it again and wanted to enjoy it. She didn’t understand why I wanted to change out of mine.

We made our way to the tree
-house with cake and soda. I only took a few bites of mine. I gained weight easily, but Mack could eat whatever she wanted without a care in the world.

“What are you thinking about, Gia? You seem off today
,” she questioned, stuffing her face with the biggest spoon of chocolate icing.

“I’m thinking about how amazing our party was
,” I lied.

“I know
, right? Oh my God, I can’t believe our parents did this for us. We really are very lucky.”

I nodded
, not knowing what to say.

“Can you believe we’re going to be in middle school in a few months
? I am so excited! I can’t wait to make new friends…and the boys, Gianna! We are going to be with eighth graders, I hope they like us.”

“I know! I hope they do
, too. I’m kinda nervous, though…I mean, new school and all.”

She rolled her eyes.
“Are you serious? We’re Mack and Gia, everyone will love us. They always do. I bet we will be the most popular girls in school, the same way we are now. I mean, Suzie Jacobs and Carrie Markus were at our party. They are going to be in seventh grade next year! We had sixth graders at our party, and that says something about us. You have nothing to worry about. Stop being weird.”

“You’re right. I’m being silly
,” I replied, taking a bite of my cake as I tried to avoid looking at her face. I was scared she would notice how big of a fraud I was if she looked into my eyes. But the reality that I would learn much later, was that no one could see through me. I was a chrome metal shield that no one could break or see through…with the exception of one person.

I wanted someone to call me out on my bullshit, I wanted someone to call me a liar, tell me that I was a fake
, a phony, but it never fucking happened. People just nodded, agreed with me, or smiled. I was the epitome of the poor little rich girl and no one knew it but me. How many secrets can one person hold? I would also learn that. I was full of them and that box only got bigger as the years went by.

When you’re younger
, you are supposed to have someone you look up to–a hero of some sort. I didn’t have one. There wasn’t anyone that I wanted to be like, no one I wished I could be. I don’t know if that set me up for failure or not. Was I destined to be empty for the rest of my life? Was I made wrong?

“What are you
going to wear on the first day of school?” she asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Oh I don’t know. What are you going to wear?” I replied
, not caring about the question at all.

“I definitely want to wear something awesome. We should find something similar, you know
, dresses or skirts,” she suggested and I nodded.

We both turned to look out at the sky
. It was gorgeous with all the beautiful stars and lighting from the moon.

“Oh my God, Gia! Did you see it? A shooting star! Make a wish!”

She didn’t have to tell me to make a wish…I had already made one. I made a wish I could never share with anyone. It was another secret I would keep to myself. But like with anything in life, it was only a matter of time until the other shoe would drop. I just had to wait until it happened. I never imagined the repercussions that would come about. I never thought about the consequences to any of my actions. I just went along with everything, thinking it was what was best for everyone. I didn’t realize that by internalizing all the wants and desires, I started to mold myself into someone I couldn’t recognize.

Someone I didn’t respect or want to be.

How could you turn in to someone that you hate? How does your enemy become someone you see every time you look in the mirror? How do you hate yourself so much that sometimes you think the only way out is by ending it all? It’s a selfish wish. But wasn’t I allowed to be selfish, couldn’t I be for just one second? To show the scars that I felt on the inside? If people knew who I really was, they wouldn’t like me, they wouldn’t want to be me…they would know the truth, and that would be much scarier than the façade.

I
could change the inevitable as much as I could change the bright color of the sun or the darkness of the night.

Everything happens for a reason…

Don’t do something today that you will regret tomorrow.

Middle
school proved to be much more of a challenge for me and much less of a task for McKenzie. We were in all honor classes, no thanks to me. I found myself constantly trying to keep up with my classes; I would study for hours, even after Mack helped me. As much as I didn’t want to do it, I had to get a tutor.

“Dad
,” I said as I walked into his office. He put a finger up, telling me to hold on. I hadn’t realized he was on the phone.

“Yes, I need those files by tomorrow morning. Mmm hmm, thank you
,” he stated before hanging up.

He turned his attention to me.

“Gianna, you know to knock before entering my office
,” he chastised me, making me feel more embarrassed for what I was about to ask. I could never do anything right in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I dropped my head
, looking at the clean tile Maria, our cleaning lady, just freshly mopped that afternoon.

“It’s all right, no need to apologize
, just don’t do it again. What do you need?”

“Oh…well…I…” I stuttered
, shifting my balance from one foot to the other. “I umm…sort of need some help in my English class.”

He folded his arms and sat back in his office chair, disappointment spread across his face just as fast as the words came out of my mouth.

“I thought McKenzie was helping you. She has straight A’s in all her classes,” he affirmed everything I feared about this conversation. I knew the second I said I needed help, he would compare me to Mack, it was his go-to card.

“She is helping me
, Dad, but seventh grade is a lot harder and all my classes just keep piling up. I’m doing pretty well in all of them, but I’m really struggling in English. I wanted to know if you could get me a tutor.”

“Hmmm…” he replied
, taking in my request I was sure. “I can’t say that I’m not disappointed, Gianna. Though I would much rather you come to me and ask for help, rather than sink without me being able to save you.”

I nodded.

“Let me make some phone calls and I’ll have someone come to the house as soon as possible.”

“Thank you. I am sorry,
Dad. I don’t mean to disappoint you. I would never want to do that,” I expressed, wanting anything but the words that would follow.

“
McKenzie has always been an amazing student and I hoped you would follow in those footsteps. The fact that you haven’t is a little disappointing as a parent. Not because I don’t think you are capable of it. I think you’re lazy, Gianna. I don’t think you try hard enough. I don’t think you care. I think you don’t apply yourself enough to reach your full potential. I want you to care about your
academic achievement.”

If he only knew
how much I tried to be everything he ever wanted, I tried to be everything everyone always wanted. I molded myself for everyone else…how could he not see that?

“I know,
Dad. I will try a lot harder for you. I promise.”

He smiled, “I love you
, and you are capable of anything you put your mind to. You’re an Edwards and we’re not quitters. We’re leaders.”

I wanted to swear and tell him to fuck off. It was the first time ever I wanted to tell my father, the person who created me, who brought me into this world
, to go fuck himself. I wished I would have had the courage to do it. It would have probably changed so much of my life if I could have just said the fucking words. However, I didn’t. I nodded my head and smiled bright and high. The same smile that made my father’s eyes light up. It was the look I knew he adored. It was the Gianna Edwards smile that he was proud of. He loved the illusion that was his daughter. Just like everyone else.

The year went by rather quickly and before we knew it
, we were in eighth grade and I had just celebrated my fourteenth birthday. I woke up one morning to McKenzie screaming into the phone.

“AHHHHHH!”

“Oh my God, Mack, my ear,” I said, pulling the phone as far away from my face as possible.

“I got my period! I’m a woman! Can you believe it? Gianna, I got my monthly friend.”

“Yay!” I shouted, trying to share her same enthusiasm.

I
 didn’t get my period for another six months. I was almost in ninth grade by the time it wanted to show up. That’s not the only thing that changed over night; Mack started to become a woman. Her breasts grew, as did her butt and thighs. She had the perfect hourglass figure and I was still rail thin.  

I tried everything to get my period to come
–drinking herbal tea, jumping backward fifty times when the sunset…yeah, I found that one on the Internet. I was desperate to keep up with Mack and tried to do everything for Mother Nature to catch up. She also started to get attention from boys, and I mean it was everywhere. They left notes in her locker, they called her house at all hours, and she was asked out on dates on a regular basis.

It just further proved that she was better
than me.

We sat around one afternoon
at Mack’s house just hanging out, watching TV.

“Girls, what are you doing? You need to do something other
than fry your brains all day watching mindless entertainment.”

“But we love mindless entertainment and it’s
90210
, Mom. Dylan just cheated on Brenda with Kelly. Ugh! I hate Kelly,” Mack groaned as her mom turned the TV off.

“I will not allow you guys to watch any
more TV. You need to pick up a sport, something, anything that gets you out of the house and away from being couch potatoes.”

Mack turned to me and sighed, making her look much younger
than her body appeared to be. “My mom is being so dumb; we don’t need to pick up a sport. We’re perfect just the way we are.”

I laughed; this was her attitude about everything. I envied her confidence.

“She’s sort of right, though…we don’t really do anything other than watch TV or homework,” I said.

“Are you serious? We do so much more
than that, Gia. You’re selling us really short.”

I shook my head and grinned. “Okay, you’re right. But I still think maybe we can take up a sport and have some fun.” I clapped my hands together. “Oh! I know! We can do cheerleading. I’ve always wanted to try it. We watch
it on TV enough to be able to pick it up.”

She groaned in her discomfort of not wanting to get off the couch.

“Mack, this is actually a perfect idea. Everything is indoors, we wouldn’t have to sweat that much. Just think about it, we could continue doing it in high school and all games are at night time, so you wouldn’t have to worry about your fair skin.”

“Okay, I guess that makes sense and
it’s better than any other sport.”

“Yay! Let
’s go tell our moms.”

Our moms were more
than delighted to enroll us in tumbling and dance classes. We had six months to get ready before high school tryouts. We were adamant that we would make the team. Tumbling and dancing came natural to me, and it was the first time I felt like I did something better than her. I mean, she was good, but I was better. I learned things much faster as opposed to her trying to do them three or four times. The first time I did a back handspring, you would’ve thought I cured cancer or something. The adrenaline and pride I felt by learning to do it on my very first try was phenomenal. Our teacher had spotted me, but he said he barely even supported me.

I found my passion
, and I know that sounds young and silly, but I found something I was better at than Mack, and I didn’t ever think that would happen. My period decided to make its presence known the next day. I thanked my back handspring for that. And just like Mack, my body changed overnight. I grew breasts, 34C to be exact, and a butt. I had a toned figure from dancing and tumbling. My skin glowed when I looked in the mirror and my mom had allowed me to get highlights. It took my plain, brunette hair and made it blond. McKenzie didn’t want to dye her hair and she didn’t need to, she was beautiful the way she was. I needed it to make me look better. I wasn’t a natural beauty like she was. I had to work at it.

I also grew into my facial features
and I was able to finally get contact lenses. It made my green eyes grab everyone’s attention. Frames of black glasses no longer blocked their view. I had long eyelashes and when I applied mascara, it made them look like fake lashes; the pink blush gave my cheekbones color, and I wore icing flavored lips gloss that made my lips pouty. I was 5’6 and slender, I felt pretty, beautiful even. I learned at a very early age that I could get boys and much more attention with my sex appeal. Mack didn’t need to use that, they just flocked to her, but when it came to both of us standing together, they always came to me first. I loved having that one power over her. I know that makes me sound extremely vain, but I couldn’t help it. I always came in second place and now I was allowed to be in first, and I reveled in that.

Our eighth grade dance was upon us and almost every popular boy
in our class asked me to go with them. I didn’t care about any one of them. I found myself being attracted to older guys. That was another reason I was excited to be going into high school. I would be with men and not just boys anymore. But with that, came the expectation of knowing how to do certain things. I still hadn’t had my first kiss and I felt like I needed to get that out of the way before I entered into a much different environment. One that I wanted to strive in, excel.

I dec
ided to go with Matthew Smithson. He was held back a year in sixth grade so he was already fifteen. Mack went with Michael O’Neil who was our star basketball player. Everyone knew he would make varsity team freshman year. Our parents got us a limo, of course. Once we got to the dance, we drank punch. Matt pulled a flask out of his pocket and spiked our drinks. He took his drink down like a champ, making me think that he did that sort of thing often. I tried to follow his lead but had to choke it down; it was not what I expected it to taste like. We socialized around our friends. Some of the students danced and when the booty music came on, people were bumping and grinding. I started to feel like my brain was fuzzy and that I could do anything, it was a feeling of freedom and confidence like I had never experienced before.
Matt whispered in my ear for us to go out back by the gymnasium, and I knew in my bones he was going to kiss me. I grabbed his hand as he escorted us to a secluded spot.

He stopped when he found one and turned to look at me, he pulled a piece of hair that had fallen out of my up do and placed it behind my ear. My stomach did some flip-flop thing and even though I didn’t really like him
, I wondered what it would feel like to have his hands and lips on me. Is that normal for a fourteen-year-old to want?

“You’re really pretty, Gia.” He smirked.

“Thanks. You are too. I mean, handsome.” Great, I was already fucking it up. We laughed at our nervousness. He didn’t appear to be nervous, though maybe my anxiety was contagious.

“Have you ever been kissed, G?”
He was the first guy to call me G and I sort of loved it. It was like G was allowed to be naughty…she was allowed to be free. I shook my head no and waited.

He grinned and grabbed the back of my neck
. “That means you will always remember me and I fucking love that.” My eyes widened as he leaned in. It wasn’t soft or gentle. He was rough and urgent. He pushed me up against the wall the second his tongue made its way into my mouth. He tasted like punch and cigarettes. I wanted to devour that taste. He pushed and pulled his tongue around in my mouth until I caught on that he wanted me to do the same. I mimicked every movement he made and his hand moved from the back of my neck to the top of my cleavage. His knuckles grazed them back and forth. I opened my eyes and moaned. I quickly closed them again when his hand started to move lower. He cupped my breast, and it was then that I felt a tingle in my private place. I had no idea what to do, but I didn’t want him to stop.

The door opened and he moved away from me as fast as possible. The last thing we needed was to get in trouble right before school let out. Luckily
, no one saw us and I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed when he grabbed my hand to walk us back into the dance. I remember thinking how far I would have let him go if we hadn’t been interrupted. It didn’t make me feel slutty or easy, it made me feel empowered, like I had finally found a tool that I could use to get my way. I hadn’t realized how big of a weapon I owned with my sexuality and it made me feel free. It was a feeling unlike any other.