Shiver (20 page)

Chapter 27

LISSA

T
he following day, we were at a springtime barbecue a client was hosting. I tried to stay home with the baby as much as possible. Each outing typically ended in disaster, so I avoided leaving the house at all costs. But Ethan was right. We had to figure out how to have a life… somehow. And so I manned up. I even put makeup on and was wearing a cute pair of white shorts with a blousy, loose pink top to cover my post-baby middle that I was still self-conscious about.

I was sitting off to the side of the party, trying to get Thomas to eat a little bit of food while Ethan was schmoozing clients. We were on the grass and Thomas was sitting between my legs with his back to me. There was a collection of toys in front of him, and my arm reached around to coax him into eating while he was fully distracted. It was actually going pretty well. And yes, I was aware this wasn’t normal. At all.

After a while, I noticed a petite woman with curly, dark blond hair, dressed in khaki capris and a white sleeveless blouse, continually watching us out of the corner of her eye. I was pretty used to that reaction, but I sighed inwardly. If I had to explain myself to another person, I might have to run down the driveway screaming. I braced myself as she approached and concentrated on being very busy with my child so maybe she’d pass us by.

“Hi! I’m Nicole.” An arm was stretched down to me. Shielding my eyes against the sun, I looked up and shook her hand.

“I’m Lissa. It’s nice to meet you.”

She smiled down at Thomas. “How old is your son?”

“He’s ten months.”

“It goes so fast, doesn’t it?” she asked kindly.

I smiled and nodded. I was lying, of course. Some of it had gone fast. Some of it had felt really fucking long.

“I have a seven-year-old daughter,” she continued, pointing to a large bounce house. “Her name is Libby. I can’t believe she’s in there, jumping and playing with other kids.”

I looked at her questioningly, otherwise apparently mute. I wondered briefly why Ethan even brought me to these things.

“I used to have to feed her in the bathtub.”

Now, a lot of people might have thought that sounded stupid or crazy. My mind immediately jumped to
Wow, why didn’t I think to try feeding him in the bathtub? Fantastic idea
. But I still just blinked at her with raised eyebrows while she continued her story.

“Libby cried… constantly. She never slept unless she was nursing. You know, one time I set her down in the grass and she gagged.”

My jaw dropped. “Wow,” was all I could think of to say.

She nodded. “My husband couldn’t handle it. He left and I haven’t seen him since. He only held her a couple of times, otherwise she would just scream. I was on my own with this kid who was totally dependent on me, and there were times—” She cleared her throat, mouth tightening. “Sorry.” She gave a half smile. “There were times I think I hated her. God, that’s such a terrible thing to say. But it’s true. I was scared I would hurt her and no one could give me any answers. I was judged by other moms. My sister was a complete bitch and told me I should send Libby to her and she would fix it. I was so… alone. I started seeing a therapist. She said if you can’t get at least one four-hour block of sleep that you end up chemically altering your brain. I realized I didn’t just feel crazy, I was actually going crazy.”

My eyes welled up with tears as I listened to her story, so much like my own. Minus the douche-bag husband. We were both silent for a minute, staring down at Thomas, who was flipping through a board book.

“What did you do?” I sniffed.

“My shrink knew of a woman who worked with kids like Libby. We started going every other day. It consumed my life. But I finally had someone who understood and made me realize there was an issue that was treatable and probably fixable since she was so young.”

“How old was she at that point?”

“It was a little before she turned two. It’s called Sensory Processing Disorder. A lot of doctors don’t know about it yet, or just don’t understand what it is.”

“So what is it?” My mind was buzzing like a swarm of bees as I took it all in.

She took a breath and dropped to her knees beside me. “There are so many facets of it, but to put it simply, it’s an immaturity of the nervous system. It could be for all sorts of reasons. They don’t always know. But it will affect their development.”

“Do they outgrow it?”

She shook her head. “In a way, the nervous system does mature. But they miss crucial steps growing up, and it will make their futures really difficult. So you need a therapist who knows what to do. The therapy is all movement based. Kids think they’re playing but each thing they do is a specific exercise. It’s a lot of fun, actually.”

I nodded at Thomas. “He doesn’t really think anything is fun.”

She chuckled a little. “He will. There’s hope here. Can I give you some contacts and a couple of ideas that might help until you get sorted out?”

I nodded, my mind still reeling in awe as she pulled out her phone and I did the same. I got numbers for a few different therapists, a school, and another mom. Plus Nicole’s information and her suggestions. As she got ready to leave, she leaned over and gave me a hug. I burst into tears, loud and convulsing and cathartic, in a complete stranger’s arms, but she just rubbed my back and stayed silent.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and straightened after an embarrassing amount of time. I caught Ethan looking my way with concern on his face. I smiled what I felt was my first real smile in a long time, part of me laughing at myself and part of me happy for this potential lead. Nicole and I stood and said our good-byes, and I promised to stay in touch.

Ethan came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. The scruff on his cheek scraped my neck, and I shivered a little. He pulled back and smiled down at me as I looked at him over my shoulder. He was grinning brightly.

“I’ve missed that,” he said.

I paused and reached my hand to his cheek. “Me too. I think my body’s been so worn out it just couldn’t show you.”

He chuckled and nipped, then kissed, where my neck met my shoulder. “So what just happened here?”

I turned in his arms. “I think that lady may have figured out our son.”

He looked at me, shocked. “What?”

“Yeah. I could feel her watching me the whole time I was feeding him, and I was all annoyed thinking she was judging me from afar. But she walked up and just started telling me this story about her daughter. And then by the end I was crying.”

His face was comical. “I’m a little lost.”

I proceeded to tell him all about my conversation with Nicole, and he listened with wide eyes.

“Why have we never heard of this?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. But are you on board if I call these people she mentioned?”

He drew me close and kissed the top of my head, and my body melted inappropriately into his. “Absolutely. Whatever we need to do.”

ETHAN

We climbed into the truck after loading Thomas in his car seat. My mind was reeling. I couldn’t believe any of it. It had been like pulling teeth to get Lissa to come to the party, and I’d been thanking God continuously that she had. Clearly there was a bigger plan. Some random woman might have saved our kid’s life and ours as well.

I looked over at my wife. Her eyes were shining but, for once, not in despair. Her smile was back, and despite the dark circles and pale tinge to her skin, she was still stunningly beautiful.

I reached over to grab her hand and gave it a squeeze. “This could be really good.”

She smiled at me, the sight momentarily blinding me to the point where I was glad I hadn’t started driving.

“Really good.”

It was a short drive home, and Thomas slept the whole way. I know that should seem great. But since he only would eat when he slept, it was a stress when he didn’t have a bottle stuck in his mouth. Everything was a trade-off. However, he woke happily when we got home and we had a rare, enjoyable evening playing with him and having dinner. I even got to give the little dude a bath while Lissa showered without a meltdown. Maybe he could read our moods.

After he was cleaned, lotioned, and dressed in his whale pajamas, Lissa walked into his room carrying an old swaddle blanket.

“Isn’t he a little old for that thing?” I asked. “Plus he hated it.”

She shrugged and said, “Nicole said to try swaddling him. Who knows, it could help!”

She was so enthusiastic and hopeful, I couldn’t possibly deflate her.

“Worth a shot!”

I laid him down on top of the swaddle blanket, but as soon as Lissa took over to wrap him up, he started wailing.

“Hmmmm.” She looked down at him. “I wonder if I can swaddle him after he’s asleep.”

I smiled fondly at her. “If anyone can, it’s you.”

That earned me a winning look. “Okay. I’m going to go through the normal routine and then see if I can lay him down with a swaddle. Wish me luck.”

I walked over and bent to kiss her softly on the lips, my tongue darting out to tease her mouth.

“I don’t care if he cries or not, come out and I’ll make sure you get lucky anyway.”

The heat in her eyes scorched me, but I turned and walked away to wait out the lengthy process ahead. I had no real hopes that the blanket would work, and regardless, it would take another hour or two to get him asleep. So I took Charlie for a walk, cleaned the kitchen, and then grabbed the remote to flip through useless television until they were done.

Two hours later, I heard Lissa’s footsteps. I was half-asleep, but I guess I’d been hopeful and had kept myself from just going to bed. I sat up from my position on the couch to see her walking toward me without a baby in her arms.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed, shooting to my feet.

She smiled the best fucking smile I’d seen in as long as I could remember.

“I know! He’s swaddled. And he’s sleeping!”

She leapt into my arms and her lips crashed to mine as my arms wrapped around her tightly. I squeezed her hard, relishing the feel of her against me without any barriers. Except our clothes. Our clothes were definitely a barrier. I leaned back and tugged her shirt over her head, tossing it aside. Mine followed. I couldn’t get to her pants because her legs were wrapped around my waist, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to relinquish contact. I bent over the couch, laying her down so her legs could fall free. Our mouths never separating, I wriggled her loose from her pajama pants and shook myself out of my own.

Within seconds, I surged into her, roughly gripping her hips, nipping her collarbone like I knew she loved. We were panting together, too loud, too rough, too out of practice. I felt like my fingers were going to bruise her, but when I loosened my grip, she growled at me. It was so fucking hot I tightened my grip even more, suddenly sure I wanted my fingerprints on her. I pulled back quickly and saw the surprise light her eyes, but I grinned at her and flipped her over, placing her hands on the back of the couch and pushing her knees apart. My teeth latched onto her shoulder and I knelt behind her to push back into her heat, loving the sounds she made and the sounds that we made together.

“God, I love you,” I said as my hands ran up and down her sides, feeling her curves. I knew she didn’t think I loved her curves, but I did. And that was all that mattered.

My lips traveled up to her ear and she turned her head to capture my mine. I groaned into her mouth, and my hands once again found her hips. I reached around to her front and couldn’t decide on tit or clit, so fuck it. I balanced on my knees and brought one hand to each. Our pace was furiously set, but I refused to come until she did. She deserved this more than I did. It was only when I felt her breath change and her muscles tightening around me that I let myself go, fiercely consuming her body and reclaiming my wife and trying not to yell out in triumph. I leaned over her on the couch, our sweat sticking us to each other and to the leather, but I reveled in it.

“Oh my God,” she panted.

I laughed into her hair. “Yeah, we need to do that more often.”

“No one is crying,” she said, wonderment in her voice.

“It’s amazing. Let’s do this as many times as we can until the crying starts again.”

She tried to smack me, but from her vantage it was pretty ineffective. Still, I was glad to see the spark.

“Let’s think positively. There will be no crying.”

I flipped her back around to face me and picked her up, throwing her over my shoulder. “You’re right. The only crying will be coming from you, and it’ll be because you can’t take any more of me.”

She snorted and smacked my ass. Holy hell, I was ready again. Palming her ass as affectionately as I could, I looked down and under my arm. “I love you, you know that?”

She looked into my eyes, upside down. “I do.”

Chapter 28

LISSA

I
woke with a start to early morning light streaming through the bedroom window. Lurching up, I gasped when I looked at the clock to realize I’d slept for seven hours straight. I hadn’t done that since halfway through my pregnancy. I look down at Ethan’s groggy form. He stirred and reached for me, but I leaned over and kissed his head. He grumbled his way back into sleep and it made me smile. My eyes raked over the muscles in his back to his tattooed arms stretched out to his sides. I looked down at my ribcage to my own tattoo that he’d drawn for me. It was a single galloping horse, inked like the brushstrokes of a watercolor, similar to the ones that ran over Ethan’s arms. It was a perfect idea to ink it high onto my ribs since they were probably the only part of my body unaffected by my pregnancy.

Pumping adrenaline had effectively awoken me, so I decided I might as well take some quiet time to myself, something I hadn’t had in as long as I can remember. I slipped out of bed and peered into Thomas’s room, assuring myself he was alive and breathing, having never slept so long in his short life. I was giddy with relief as I made coffee and sat and waited for it to brew. I couldn’t believe this might be the turning point we’d been waiting for, and it was as simple as a swaddle. Who knew?

I was sitting on a stool and tapping my fingers on the counter, waiting until there was enough of my morning crack to fill a mug. I poured cream in first and then let the coffee run into my cup. I inhaled the scent, utterly content. The first sip was hot and I gently slurped it, sighing happily. I turned my head as I heard Ethan tiptoe into the kitchen. Peering at him over my mug, I took the time to enjoy the sight of him fully naked except for the smile on his scruffy face.

“Morning.” I smirked.

He kissed my cheek. “Morning, baby.”

I watched him reach up to grab a mug, his muscles flexing and bending and his ribs stretched out, and I realized I was drooling. He caught my eye and winked.

“There’s my girl.”

I cocked my head. “What do you mean?”

He sat down next to me with a full cup of coffee. “It’s just been tough is all.”

I rested my head on his shoulder. “I know. It’s been a blur. I’m sorry if I haven’t been… available, or aware, or present, or… anything.”

He chuckled. “You’ve been amazing. But I’m used to being with you all the time. We’re ships passing in the night right now. I miss you. You used to worry about me getting sick of you, but I want to get sick of you. I can’t get enough of you, and I don’t get enough of you. This is the first time we’ve been alone together since Thomas was born.”

I started to sniffle a little and he rubbed my back, continuing, “I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. We’re dealing with the hand we’ve been dealt. But you’re doing it by yourself, and that’s not what we signed on for. Do you remember our vows?”

I looked at him, puzzled. “The ‘I do’ part?”

“You’re the worst girl ever.” He shook his head, amused. “No. The vows,” he stressed. “The longer part.”

“Kind of.” I looked to the ceiling as I tried to remember.

“In plenty and in want,” he said.

I paused, considering the words.

“Yeah, I remember. I just figured it was a different way of saying ‘for richer or poorer.’”

He nodded. “I guess it is. But it’s more. It means good or bad, rich or poor, sick or well, whether we are wanting or needing, or not; we’re together. We do it together. We make it. Together.”

I shifted to face him fully and took a deep breath. “That sounds really good.”

Cocking his head to the side and tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear, he said, “So no more of this whole ‘I’m fine’ routine, okay? You have to be honest with me, and you have to let me help. Even if that’s just by listening.”

“I’ll try, babe. I really will. It’s hard for me to ask for help. I feel like I should be able to take care of one tiny human.” I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t think there’s anything more terrifying and stressful than having full responsibility of an entire life, day in and day out. That’s a huge weight you’re carrying around, and there’s a reason there are two of us here. I don’t always know what to do to help. Shit, I never have a clue. You just keep trucking through all this, and I need you to tell me how I can help. Tell me what I can do at any point to relieve you, at least a little. Will you do that for me? For us?”

I chewed on my lip and nodded. “I will. By the way, do you find it odd that we’re having one of the most serious conversations we’ve ever had, but without any clothes on?”

“I’d say it goes right along with a lot of the weirdness that follows us around.” He smirked at me. “I have no problem with it except that we probably only have thirty-five seconds to take advantage of our nakedness. So you’d better be quick.”

I laughed as he set our mugs down with a clunk and grabbed my hand, dragging me back to bed where he fully took advantage of me for only slightly more than thirty-five seconds. We were so determined to finish before any crying started that we did so in what could be considered an embarrassing amount of time. But we raced on, laughing and hurrying each other on, oddly proud of our speed. Afterward, we lay contentedly, stroking each other and still breathing heavily, until we heard cheerful sounds coming from Thomas’s room.

In awe, hand in hand, we snuck into Thomas’s room after throwing on shirts and boxers in an effort to act like responsible adults, and peered over his crib. He was lying on his back with a toothless grin, free from his swaddle. Ethan reached his hands in to pick him up, his eyes bright with excitement. I stifled my sadness that he’d had too few of these moments and tried to just enjoy it. Even at ten months, Thomas looked tiny in his daddy’s arms. They also looked a lot alike. When little hands came up to tickle the scruff on Ethan’s cheeks, I backed out slowly to let them have their time together.

I poured more coffee and stepped out on the back deck to enjoy the entirely too rare moment of solitude.

ETHAN

Holy shit, he was happy. That was all I could think as I held my son. I mean, he was happy sometimes, but never in the mornings and not as much with me. I got it, though. Something was wrong here. And when he didn’t feel good, he wanted his mom. Maybe the whole time he’d been sleep deprived, and the previous night had been the turning point. Please God.

I changed his diaper and picked out some dorky outfit that I knew Lissa would love while Thomas babbled at me. He could say a handful of words by that point and liked to string them together into nonsense that we all pretended made perfect sense. Once he was dressed, I walked out to pop him into his high chair and grabbed a jar of food from the fridge. I saw Lissa out on the deck and paused to stare. Her ass was pointed my direction as she leaned over the railing, looking better in my boxers than I ever had. It was a moment that should be appreciated. She must have felt me watching because she looked at me over her shoulder and winked. I grinned back at her. God, I loved that woman. After the past ten months of hell, I couldn’t believe she’d kept her sense of humor.

Shaking my head, I turned back to the task at hand, getting out a bowl and spoon and emptying the orange contents of the jar. I set the bowl down cautiously in front of my kid. Cautiously because you never really knew how he was going to react, and I was afraid to ruin the magic of the morning. I turned the spoon into an airplane and flew it around as he giggled at me. So far, so good. He didn’t really open his mouth, per se, but he didn’t freak out when I put the spoon to his lips and dumped a little of whatever the food was into his mouth. He sort of smacked his lips around and furrowed his brow. I grabbed a toy from the counter and started rattling it around to distract him, and his forehead smoothed.

We got about ten bites in that way before he started getting agitated. With a sigh, I put the food away. I didn’t even have to wipe anything up, because he hadn’t actually touched anything. Still, ten bites was pretty good. Lissa walked in, radiant, as I pulled Thomas out of his chair.

“How’d he do?”

“Ten bites…ish.”

She shrugged nonchalantly, but I could see the tension in her eyes. “No crying?”

“Nope.” I smiled.

“Well, that’s a win anyway. Hopefully he’ll take a bottle at naptime.”

I set him on the floor around some toys and stood to pull her into my arms. I pressed a kiss to her forehead and then rested mine there.

“We’re going to figure this out, okay?”

I felt her nod.

“Make those calls today?” I tried not to sound desperate.

She nodded again and tightened her arms around my waist.

“Why aren’t you speaking?” I tamped down on my near-panic.

“Because the thought of someone actually helping has rendered me speechless.”

We both chuckled because the alternative was too depressing.

I smacked her perfect ass and said, “I gotta get to work, woman. You’ve seduced me into staying long enough!”

She leaned back to look at me, a glint in her eye. “Think I can seduce you into staying a little longer?”

My eyes widened. “Oh, babe, I’ll put a Mickey on and meet you back there.”

I hoisted Thomas, who was repeating his version of “Mickey” over and over, from the ground while Lissa ran—yes ran—to the bedroom.

“Okay, bud,” I said as I grabbed the remote and powered on the TV. “You watch a Mickey and mommy will be out before the Hot Dog Dance.”

He clapped his hands in approval, and I ruffled his hair and dropped a kiss to his head. Then I jogged into our room, greeted by the sight of a naked Lissa, facedown and passed out. My eyes mapped out where I would touch her first. I wanted to trace the length of her spine, caress the smoothness of her skin, and follow the slope down her lower back and the curve up to her phenomenal ass. I wanted to feel every round and every crevice. I wanted to flip her over and run my hands over her, over every part she thought was imperfect. I wanted to worship those parts. What I wanted was for her to fall apart.

But then I saw the steady rise and fall of her breathing.

“You better not be asleep.” I laughed as I crawled over her, kissing my way up her smooth body. She just groaned. Probably I should have let her sleep, but, well, she was naked. And so that just wasn’t going to happen. I raked my teeth up her neck, feeling her quake under me, and whispered in her ear, “That’s okay, babe. You just lie there.”

Now I felt her whole body shake in laughter as she rolled over and wrapped her legs around my hips, using her weirdly talented feet to slide my boxers down. Her arms around my neck, she pulled me down to a long kiss, lazily entwining her tongue with mine. I let her set the pace until I felt her hips tilting up to rub against me, and then I remembered that we could be interrupted any second and we’d better finish the fuck up before the Hot Dog Dance.

My hands gripped her hair to deepen our kiss, and I pushed into her, hard. Feeling her breath hitch and body tighten made me want to lose control, but not without her right along with me. I broke away from our kiss and let my mouth travel down her cheek to nip at her neck and collarbone, raking with my teeth and soothing with my tongue. I was close to exploding and I knew we were running out of time, so I grabbed one of her hands and led it down between our bodies. She caught on and started alternating between stroking me and stroking herself. I groaned as I watched, wondering if this was actually a good idea since the plan was to catch her up to me and I was about to lose it. Her fingers started moving faster, and I closed my eyes tightly, forcing myself to feel because the visual was proving to be too much. When her breathing changed and her body started to spasm, I let myself loose, one hand gripping her hip hard, emptying myself into her and muffling her cries with my mouth.

I rolled us over, letting her drape herself over me as our breathing returned to normal. Then I started to laugh again. “Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog” was playing in the background.

“What?” She propped herself up on my chest, looking at me with adorable sex-mussed hair and a pouting lip I couldn’t help but kiss into a smile.

“What happens if we go to Disneyland someday?” I wondered.

She looked at me, totally confused. “What are you talking about?”

My shoulders started shaking as the images in my mind played out. “Mickey Mouse. The Mickey theme song is an instant turn-on for me now. We’re gonna take our kid to Disneyland someday, and he’ll want to meet Mickey, and we can’t because I’ll have a hard-on.”

She snorted and smacked my shoulder. “You are so weird.”

I caught her hand and kissed it. “Don’t pretend it doesn’t turn you on.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay. A little.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “But at least I can hide it in public.”