Shiver (22 page)

I quietly backed away to grab some dinner. When Lissa and I had met, she could cook basic stuff. It was always good and I wasn’t picky. But I had to say, a silver lining of her obsession with homemade food was, well, her homemade food. I don’t know how she figured out how to make this stuff and plan ahead and get it all done, but I sure was benefiting. And half the time, I was the only one who ate it. Lissa had a tendency to forget to eat and Thomas just… didn’t eat. I was hoping and praying that it changed soon, but in the meantime I would at least appreciate the effort she put in. Her spaghetti sauce was one of my favorite things, and the scents of tomatoes, onions, garlic, and fennel made my empty stomach growl in anticipation.

I served up a large bowl and grabbed a glass of wine. I know. She’d totally converted me. That was the risk of getting married. You were secure enough in your masculinity to enjoy things that you never would have when you were single and trolling at a bar. I mean, I had a kid. How much more manly could I get?

Flopping on the couch, I reached over and scratched Charlie’s head. Since Thomas had been born, we’d had a lot of quality time spent together. Every evening we sat and ate and watched TV. And waited. I grabbed the remote and flipped through channels. There was nothing in particular playing, so I settled on a cooking show. Another indication that my man card was in jeopardy.

By the time I finished eating and the show was over, I was done with my day. I cleaned up the kitchen and took Charlie for a quick walk. I’d heard Thomas squawk a few times, which meant Lissa had tried to lay him down multiple times and he’d protested. I guessed our one night of reprieve was over. Still, I wouldn’t trade it. It had been a great night. The hard times we’d had made the good moments indescribable.

I peeked into Thomas’s room as I headed to bed, limping a little from my sore hip. Lissa was walking around with Thomas over her shoulder, jiggling him up and down and walking circles. I gently tapped my finger on his door twice to let her know I was done for the night, but that was our only contact as I tiredly made my way to our room. I stripped off my boxers and climbed under the covers, a wave of loneliness washing over me. That feeling was swiftly followed by another cloud of guilt that Lissa would surely give anything to be crawling in bed right now, with or without me. Of course, I’m a dude, so I still fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

An undetermined amount of time later, I felt the bed dip as Lissa settled in. I went to throw an arm over her small form, but I encountered another, smaller one in between. Both my eyes opened wide because Lissa rarely put Thomas in our bed. She’d never committed to a reason why, so I wasn’t sure if she was hanging on to the social norm of having a baby sleep in his own room, or if she really just hadn’t wanted to disturb me. Maybe a little of both. Although she’d never conformed to any-frigging-thing else, so I leaned to the fact that she thought she could do everything on her own. What that really meant was that my girl was exhausted and she’d given up. I hated, I mean really fucking hated, to see that happen. But I thought we’d reached a turning point where she was ready to let go and try to do this in our way.

And so that night, instead of wrapping my arm around my wife, I placed a hand around my son. I lay there and soaked him in. I felt his erratic breathing and his fast heartbeat. I watched his eyes flutter and then rest. I felt the heat from his skin, and I willed every ounce of my strength into him. To fight. To thrive. His little body was so tense, and I knew he fought every day. I wanted to do it for him, to give him a rest. But I was afraid if he let up, he wouldn’t make it. I realized at that moment that I didn’t care about sleepless nights and crying and throwing up or refusing food. All those things were his only way of fighting, and I didn’t want him to give in.

We just had to figure out what he was up against.

Chapter 30

LISSA

T
wo weeks later, we were heading to the University of Virginia Medical Center. I was skittering around the house, trying to pack up enough food for Thomas and stressing about the drive and his sleep and the amount he’d eat if he didn’t sleep in my arms. If he wouldn’t eat the same as he did on a day we stayed at home, then his weight was skewed and the doctors were going to hem and haw over an ounce. My heart was palpitating over the pressure.

Our routine of co-sleeping had been… working, I guess. The days were much the same. Everything centered around feeding and sleeping. For Thomas, of course, not me. I had finally caved and I didn’t even attempt to put him down in his own bed. Ever. I guess I thought that if I could train a horse to be ridden and jump and, shit, even bow, I should be able to train a kid to sleep. Evidently, they weren’t the same animal.

A big downside—I hated to disturb Ethan’s rest by having Thomas sleeping in our bed, especially when he had full days at the barn, covering for the both of us. I hadn’t tried it before because I never thought it would do any good. Truth was, it didn’t actually work. The kid still woke up screaming bloody murder every hour and a half, but I could make it to him a little faster, and it was nice to not have to physically roll my ass out of bed to go get him. I was a little sad to not be able to snuggle up to my husband. Okay, a lot sad. But we could handle it. Couldn’t last forever, right? Plus we tangled our feet together. It was sweet. The other benefit was that I could lay Thomas down a little easier, which meant that, on occasion, Ethan and I got to sit on the couch alone for a short time in the evenings. This, of course, meant couch sex. We hadn’t had sex in a bed in two weeks. Fortunately, we didn’t get many visitors.

Ethan tromped through the mudroom just before noon and swept me into a deep kiss while Thomas puttered around on the ground. I’d made an effort to look nice that day since I’d be in public, and I was also hoping my husband noticed. Seemed like he did as one hand tugged my hair and the other cupped my ass. I reciprocated by doing the same to him, and all my nerves for the day simmered down as he hoisted me up against the counter and I wrapped my legs around him. I was wearing a royal-blue flower-print sundress that was flowy and fell just above my knees. As his tongue dipped between my lips, I felt his callused hands as they ran up my bare thighs and under my dress to tug on my lace panties. Yes, even I wore underwear while wearing a dress to a doctor’s appointment.

I started to giggle and slapped his hand away as his fingers teased me under the lace. “We really have to go!” I said against his mouth.

“I know. But you can’t wear stuff like this and expect me to behave,” he said as he roughly gripped the back of my head again, pulling me in for a hard kiss before stepping back. “Stop taking advantage of me. I need to get in the shower or we’ll be late!”

I laughed as he headed to kiss Thomas, who was still on the floor, then jogged into the bedroom to shower and change. I have to admit, I strongly considered being late to the appointment so Ethan could have his way with me. That possibly made me a terrible mother, but when you’d been to enough of these things, you couldn’t help but lose a little respect for the system. It was also nice to feel a little bit of me coming through. The me who wanted her husband and not just for extra baby care. I swear, that one day of sleep had made me a new woman, because not much else had changed. I felt like I had let it all go and had figured out that I needed to roll with our circumstances.

“Babe, we’re going to take Charlie out for a walk and then I’m going to load up!” I called out as I picked up Thomas and whistled to my dog. Thomas twisted his fists into my hair as we walked out into the humid air, making me wish my hair was in a ponytail. I leaned into our truck to start the engine and cool it off, then took a trip around the house, pretending to canter around and making Thomas giggle. By the time I was done and Charlie was as well, I was a sweaty mess, but laughing.

We careened around the corner to see my sexy husband leaning against the tailgate with a smirk. He was wearing a nice pair of dark jeans, a white button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of Chucks because he knew I thought it was hot. I continued to ogle him as I handed our son over and gathered my now-limp hair into a high pony. I climbed into the passenger seat as Ethan buckled Thomas in, and I shifted to get comfortable as my damp skin adhered to the leather seats. I reached back to adjust the straps on Thomas’s car seat until they were tightened and it was positioned to my liking, smiling sideways at Ethan as I did so.

“What would you do without me?” I smirked.

He climbed into the driver’s side and leaned over to kiss me. “Let’s never find out, but I bet I’d have to learn how to operate a car seat all by myself,” he responded sarcastically. “Tell me something?”

“Huh?”

“How much time did you spend doing your hair, just to gallop around the house like a crazy person in ninety-eight-degree weather?”

I backhanded his chest. “It looks better in a ponytail when I do it first anyway. And you knew I wouldn’t be able to last the drive without tying it up. At least I made an effort.”

“You look hot, baby.” He grinned ear to ear.

“Even when I’m a mess?”

“Especially when you’re a mess. I just wish I had more opportunity to mess you up.”

We simultaneously winked at each other, then spent the rest of our almost-two-hour drive in playful banter while Thomas slept. Despite his terrible rest at home, he was a great car sleeper. But he’d wake the moment we stopped. I even got him to drink half a bottle by bending around and swapping the pacifier for the bottle, a very impressive move if I do say so myself. We found a parking spot in the back garage reserved for large vehicles since we wouldn’t make it up the ramp in the regular parking garage in our truck. I handed Ethan the diaper bag full of everything we could have possibly ever needed, and he slung its weight over his shoulder. I caught a woman looking at him as she passed, and I didn’t blame her. Obviously I knew my husband was sexy as hell, but holding a giant, shiny, pink paisley bag, he was eye-catching. Shaking my head as he smirked, I unfastened Thomas and picked him up for a hug, shushing his crankiness from waking up in a car.

Wordlessly, we began the long trek down the sidewalk to reach the hospital building. It felt like the walk of shame. You know: you’re a little uncertain but a little hopeful, you feel like everyone’s watching you and wondering, you’re kind of regretting being there. It wasn’t my favorite.

We were hot and sweaty again by the time we reached the entrance, and a cold blast of air hit us as we walked through, making goose bumps rise across my skin. Ethan noticed and draped an arm around my shoulders, rubbing up and down my bare skin. I leaned into him briefly before breaking away to check in at the front desk. After signing forms and handing my credit card over, we then stepped into an elevator with a family of four and rode it to the top, quietly listening to the background music, with everyone stealing glances around, wondering why we were all there.

“Why does this feel like the walk of shame?” Ethan leaned around Thomas on my hip and whispered softly.

I snorted and shook my head, trying to keep quiet. “You’re so weird.”

“You were thinking the same thing, weren’t you?” He raised a brow knowingly.

I nodded, laughing, and jabbed his side with my elbow. We exchanged a look as the elevator pinged and the doors opened, saving us from further inappropriate behavior. Or at least an audience to it.

I signed us in at the front desk, and we found seats together and settled in, resigned to waiting. Thomas bounced on Ethan’s lap, gripping his current favorite airplane toy. We chatted and played with him until our name was called out. My stomach flip-flopped a little, surprising me. The visits were causing me more anxiety than they should. I was so hopeful for an answer, but I was also afraid of what the answer might be.

I scooped up the diaper bag, and we all stood together to walk out of the waiting room and down the sterile hallway. I stripped off Thomas’s clothes so they could weigh him and declined having his blood pressure taken. It wasn’t a concern, and he hated it passionately. As I suspected, his weight hadn’t changed at all, but my heart still deflated a little. Ethan glanced at me sideways and reached over to squeeze my hand twice. I squeezed back in appreciation and then dropped his hand to pick up Thomas and get him dressed again.

We were led to a room with a big number six on the door and a giant panda mural on the wall. An exam table was on one wall with a row of chairs on the other. At the back there was a desk with a computer bolted to it. Above the desk were shelves of toys, and I picked out a truck and scrubbed it down with disinfecting wipes before passing it to Thomas. Then we sat back and waited quietly, Ethan and I both lost in thought.

A knock on the door brought us both to attention, and we stood when three doctors walked in. First our usual, Dr. Landers, shook our hands and introduced his colleagues who had apparently been consulted on the case. He gestured for us to sit back down, and he pulled up a chair at the computer, clicking some buttons and signing in to pull up Thomas’s records. We all waited in silence.

When Dr. Landers swiveled to face us, a bland expression graced his features. “Well, I know we were hoping for some sort of news or answers. We biopsied every area we could and ran every test we could think of. Unfortunately, everything came back normal.”

Ethan and I looked at each other, mouths agape.

“How is that possible?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“I know it’s frustrating.” Dr. Landers sighed and glanced at the other physicians. “At this point in time, we’re just going to have to keep an eye on him and manage him to the best of our abilities until he either outgrows it or until medicine catches up to him.”

I shook my head. “Until medicine catches up to him?”

I looked over to see Ethan’s jaw clenching, and I could feel the effort it was taking for him not to lose his shit as he responded, “Dr. Landers, with all due respect, that is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. So you just give up, and we’re supposed to sit around and wait until someone magically figures it out? We would never do that with a horse. You expect us to do that with our child?”

Thomas started to fuss, feeling the tension in the room, so I stood to distract him, pointing to the panda on the wall and talking softly to him. I could feel Dr. Landers studying us.

“I did get your e-mail about the sensory idea and therapy.” He smiled sadly. “I think for now, that’s your best option. We’ll continue to monitor his weight, and hopefully he’ll start to eat more, and with better nutrition, he’ll start to grow and feel better. If he doesn’t, we might need to consider a feeding tube or some sort of alternate way of getting calories into him, but it’s not something we need to think about yet.”

He sighed again and rose to his feet. “I’m sorry I didn’t have any useful information for you. I would love to be in touch once he starts therapy and to be kept informed of his progress.” He looked back to Ethan. “I’m not giving up, Mr. Rex. I’ll keep researching. But at this point, I just don’t know.”

Ethan nodded grimly and stood to shake his hand, then ran a hand through his dark hair. “I guess I appreciate your admitting that. It’s better than lying to us. Thanks for your time.”

The white coats all filed out, leaving us alone with our thoughts.

ETHAN

We drove home in relative silence, each of us stewing in our own way. I was so pissed. What a waste of a fucking day. They could have called us with that information instead of making us drive two hours each way. I knew Lissa was freaked out internally about Thomas missing his naptime meals. I couldn’t say I blamed her. And yeah, I respected that the doctor could at least admit when he didn’t know something. I just wished he fucking knew something.

I glanced over at Lissa, her shoes kicked off and feet propped on the dash, her dress falling to expose almost all of her strong legs. I couldn’t help but run my hand up her smooth thigh. She sighed and grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers. I gave her hand a squeeze.

“Well, therapist tomorrow, right? Hopefully she’ll have some ideas,” I said, inserting positivity to my voice.

“Yeah.” Lissa sighed. “It’s just another no-nap day. I hate that.”

“I know, babe. But maybe it’ll be a step toward that not being such a big deal anymore.”

“Maybe. I wish you could come.” I could hear disappointment lacing her voice.

“I know. Me too.” I sighed. “I just can’t take two whole days off in a row. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you want to be there. And I can handle it. It’s just been oddly nice being around you all day today.”

A smile spread over my face. “So you’re saying you still like being around me?”

She smiled back, a light in her eyes. “I am. I’d like to be around you a little more, actually.”

“Well, let’s figure out how to make that happen. We just need to get that little cock block back there to cooperate.” I gestured to Thomas behind us.

Lissa’s jaw dropped and she let go of my hand to smack me in the chest, but I caught her hand back in mine and kissed her fingers.

“You can’t call our child a cock block!” She gasped.

“I can and I will. I love him, but he’s almost as bad a cock block as your family.”

She snorted and slumped back in her seat. “You kind of have a point. But it was your cock that got us into our current predicament in the first place.”

“There’s irony for you.” I started to laugh. My tone changed as I asked seriously, “Do you regret it though?”

She sent a small smile my way. “Not at all. I don’t want our son to be sick. I don’t want him to suffer. But I wouldn’t change anything about him.” She winked. “I love that little cock block.”