Short Back and Sides (2 page)

16 April 2009

A customer I knew well was in for a haircut, and during the conversation I asked him where a mutual friend had been, as I hadn't seen him for a long time.

Both of the lads were in a band together for many years, and I'd been cutting their hair for a long time.

Barber:
So where's Alan these days? It's been a while since he's been in.

Customer:
I haven't seen him for a few weeks either. He's got a new girlfriend. Seems serious too. We call her Yoko.

Barber:
Yoko? Why do you call her Yoko?

Customer:
She broke up the band.

18 April 2009

After the bank crash in September 2008 a customer remarked wittily: ‘When the tide goes out you can see whose trousers are down.'

19 April 2009

Customer:
A group of builders and developers who were at the Galway Races were overheard playing ‘Who Used to Be a Millionaire?'

20 April 2009

A customer told me during a chat about the state of all things financial that ‘unfortunately, most of the builders and bankers weren't in the tomorrow business.'

21 April 2009

I had a Spanish student in for a haircut recently. He'd only been here a few days. When we were talking about his initial impressions of Ireland he asked me why so many of the women have orange skin!

22 April 2009

Customer:
The banks will give you an umbrella when the weather is good and take it back when it rains!

23 April 2009

Customer:
Well, it's that time of year again, and as usual the weather is great! How is it that every year the sun comes out just before the Junior Cert and Leaving?

Barber:
You could put money on the sun coming out this time every year!

Customer:
Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm off to get some stuff for the barbecue before it's all sold out. See you in a few weeks!

24 April 2009

A customer who was on holiday in Co. Cork was given a bumper sticker to advertise the area where he was staying. It read ‘Courtmacsherry—a quiet drinking village with a fishing problem.'

26 April 2009

There are times in the barber shop when someone will impart a pearl of wisdom born of their life's experience. One customer told me in no uncertain terms that ‘if another man ever tries to run away with your wife or girlfriend the best revenge you can get is to let him.'

27 April 2009

It was raining again, but as usual there were moments of sunshine in between.

Customer:
When will this Iraqi weather ever end!

Barber:
Iraqi weather? What do you mean?

Customer:
It's the same day in and day out: Sunni and Shi'ite!

28 April 2009

Young customer
(a student): This recession is terrible. We can't get away to work for the summer because there are no jobs anywhere, and I haven't the money to go out and get smashed at the weekend. The summer is going to be tough. At least I'm not finished college this year.

Barber:
Yeah, it's affecting everyone. It's all I hear lately: recession, recession, recession . . .

Older customer
(in the next chair): You don't know what you're talking about. You haven't lived through a recession. This is a privileged recession. You have so much compared with what it was like in the past, and no-one will go hungry. When I was young I had one pair of jeans, and I had to stay in on a Sunday morning while my mother washed them!

Everyone just burst out laughing.

29 April 2009

A customer was sniffling while I was cutting his hair. I brought him a box of tissues and left them beside him. The customer in the next chair having his hair done noticed and was watching.

Barber:
I see you have a touch of a cold there.

Customer 1:
Yes, I was out for a few drinks last night, and I woke up sneezing this morning.

Customer 2
(in the next chair): Well, that's what you get for drinking out of a damp glass!

30 April 2009

Customer
(on holiday from America): Went down to Croke Park with the kids the other day, and it was gone!

Barber:
Gone? What do you mean, gone?

Customer:
There's no park there: they've built a stadium on it.

1 May 2009

Customer:
Do you know that there's only one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

Barber:
And what's that?

Customer:
A woman who won't do what she's told!

2 May 2009

There was a peculiar house in Rathfarnham, Co. Dublin, which was brightly painted and had, I think, salmon-coloured roof tiles. I heard many stories about that house—even that it had been sponsored by Dulux! It was known to many people for the number of gnomes in the front garden—there must have been fifty or more. One day while I was working away a customer told me about the house. I had seen it once or twice, so I knew it existed.

Customer:
Did you hear about the gnome house?

Barber:
No, what about it?

Customer:
Well, two sisters live there. They're very proud of their gnomes, and they'd notice if one was missing, you see?

Barber:
Okay.

Customer:
Well, a few months ago, one of the gnomes disappeared! There was no sign of it anywhere, and the sisters thought maybe whoever took it would put it back. But weeks went by, and still no sign. Then, out of the blue, one morning they received a letter from Australia. They opened it, and it was a letter from the gnome telling them not to worry, that he was fine, just wanted a bit of a holiday, and he was enjoying Sydney and hoping they weren't missing him too much. Also with the letter was a photo of the gnome, with Sydney Opera House in the background!

A little while later another letter arrived, and then another, each containing a photo of the gnome in various well-known exotic locations. Well, the sisters didn't know what it was at first, but after a while it seems to have been students travelling who took the gnome with them and who for a laugh were sending the photos and letters back.

Anyway, the summer's over now, and guess what: just the other morning the gnome was back in the garden!

Barber:
Back from his travels!

This story later went out on the ‘Gerry Ryan Show', and later a similar one appeared in ‘Coronation Street'.

3 May 2009

Customer:
I need my hair cut badly.

Barber:
No problem, sir, I can cut it badly for you.

4 May 2009

Customer:
It's nearly eight months since the Government bail-out. You know, I had a suitcase packed and a flight booked to get out of here that night, only I waited. And I wasn't the only one—a lot of people in finance were ready to run!

Barber:
We almost had a total meltdown. So how come you waited?

Customer:
I was pacing the floor when my wife suggested I try to get some sleep and wait for the news that morning. I turned on the radio first thing, and it was announced in the headlines on ‘Morning Ireland' that the Government was going to bail out the banks, and I couldn't believe my ears!

Barber:
A close call!

5 May 2009

A customer who was visiting India got a taxi from the airport to the hotel where he was staying. The driver was friendly and spoke English.

Customer:
On the way to the hotel I told the driver to blow the horn at a car that made a dangerous swerve in front of us. ‘Oh, no, I can't do that,' he said. ‘Then someone will do it to me.' I thought he was just fobbing me off, but as we drove on I noticed in the mayhem that is normal driving on the streets in India that no-one blew their horn, no-one flashed their lights in anger and no-one rolled their window down and shouted abuse at careless drivers who caused them to brake hard. In fact, it was the opposite: everywhere I looked I saw genuine smiling faces behind windscreens or on bicycles. It was a real culture shock. ‘It's karma,' the taxi-driver explained. ‘Have you heard of it?' ‘Yes,' I said, ‘we call it “what goes around comes around”.'

6 May 2009

Back in the eighties there was a television licence crackdown, as I'd imagine that there were very few licence-holders in those dark days in Ireland.

Customer:
I remember the TV licence inspectors had a white van with a radar-like attachment on the top of the roof that would drive around estates all through the summer months—back when we had real summers— and they were supposed to detect if you had a TV on in the house. The idea was that, if you had, they'd call to your door and ask to see your licence. It became known to everyone quite quickly, and the children playing outside would come running back to the house to tell you, and you'd switch the TV off until the van was gone. I remember a neighbour saying that when the children all came running you didn't know if it was the ice-cream van or the TV licence men!

Barber:
I do remember hearing something like that before. It's so funny. Imagine the boardroom meeting—coming up with the idea to use a van with the sci-fi radar on the roof.

Customer:
People are much too clever to fall for something like that now. But I imagine it had a lot of people running to the post office to get a licence back then.

7 May 2009

Customer:
A Traveller was standing outside his caravan one morning at the side of a busy motorway. He was explaining to his young son that the people in the cars were going to work in the city. ‘Some of them,' he said, ‘have travelled miles. Maybe a two-hour commute each way, every day! They leave home early in the morning and get back very late at night. I've heard them say that they feel like they live in their cars!' There was silence for a moment while the little boy thought. Then he turned to his father and asked him: ‘So why do they call us Travellers?'

Brilliant.

8 May 2009

There has been a lot of speculation about the situation with the M50. Drivers have never seen anyone working on the new lanes. I drive by there myself regularly, and I don't remember ever seeing anyone working or driving any of the many abandoned-looking construction vehicles. The only difference from day to day is that some of the lanes are closed or divided temporarily using traffic cones. Anyway, I was cutting someone's hair the other day, and he explained the mystery . . .

Customer
(a little annoyed): I was stuck on the car park again. I left work ages ago.

Barber:
The car park?

Customer:
The M50!

Barber:
Very good! What's going on? I never see anyone working there.

Customer:
It's the cutbacks. I heard there's only one lad working on it now.

Barber:
Only one? You're joking. What does he do?

Customer:
He works nights, rearranging the traffic cones!

9 May 2009

I heard this many years ago. I was working close to the street where it happened, and many customers in the shop that week were talking about it.

In College Green, Dublin, there's a bank with a night safe outside, and this is where local businesses would lodge the day's takings. But one particular week it was out of order, and a big notice displaying that message hung in an official-looking way from the safe. It also instructed those who wished to lodge money to ‘use the mobile safe in the van at the side of the road.' And many did, lodging the money and walking away. I heard this happened for three nights, although I can't say for sure.

Then, when someone checked their account, the money wasn't there. They called the bank and explained that they had followed all the instructions and had used the temporary safe in the van. ‘What temporary safe?' was the shocking reply! Of course, there was nothing wrong with the real night-lodgement safe, and, alas, a lot of people were very skilfully conned.

A lot of money was stolen. The van pulled up outside when the bank closed in the evening, and the ‘Out of order' sign was hung on the real night-lodgement safe. Then all that had to be done was to wait until the lodgements were made and drive away with the haul! I always thought it was probably the cleverest robbery I've ever heard about.

10 May 2009

Customer:
Whoever comes up with a cure for it will be a wealthy man. You wouldn't have to worry about money again if you found a cure for baldness.

Barber:
Ah, I don't think they'll ever find a lotion that'll grow hair on a boiled egg.

Customer:
And, if they did, sure you wouldn't want to get a drop of it on your hands, or you'd be like a werewolf!

Barber:
Or, even worse, on her carpet!

11 May 2009

A customer told me this while he was getting his hair cut. Everyone heard what he was saying, and as I looked round the shop everyone was smiling and holding back the laughter.

Customer:
A friend of mine who buys lotto tickets all the time spends quite a lot of money every week. He has a bad habit, and he can't stop. He's always in the bookies, and he's always on the poker machines in town. The lads would tell you he has a problem. Sure he can't walk past a parking meter without putting money in it!