Shoulda Been A Cowboy (43 page)

“
Did you get hurt?” Anton asked in a small
voice.

“
Nah.” He reached over and brushed dirt off
Anton's knee. “I'm fine. Don't worry about
it, okay?”

“
Okay.”

“
I wish I could send you for my crutches like last
time. That was a big help.”

“
Maybe next time I could remember to put them in
the truck for you when we go somewhere,” Anton offered.

“
That would be great. I can't seem to
remember shit like that.” He looked up at Domini expecting her
to spear him with a dark look because he'd cursed again.

“
Wait a minute. What did you mean by last time?”
Domini repeated. “What happened?”

“
Cam fell down on the back deck. I got his
crutches and helped him up. Then he showed me his fake leg.”

Her mouth dropped open. “You fell? Why didn't
you tell me?”

Cam exchanged a look with Anton. “Because it was
no big deal and us guys gotta have some secrets. Plus, I was in a lot
of pain and cussin' up a storm. And I know you don't want
me swearing around him.”

“
True. So maybe you'd better give us a
minute alone, young secret keeper and crutches fetcher,” Domini
said to Anton.

“
Aw, I don't think he's gonna swear
that much,” Anton said.

“
Maybe I'm going to swear at him,”
Domini replied coolly.

Cam muttered, “Shit.”

Anton raced off.

Smart kid.

Domini didn't bat an eye as she removed his stump
from the socket. “Keely has a point, Cam. You've been
having issues with the fit since before we got married.” She
peeled the socks off. “You're using five socks? Instead
of two?”

“
The damn sleeve is really slippery lately. I need
the extras to mop up the sweat but it doesn't help and it still
hurts like a bitch.”

“
You in pain now?”

“
Yeah.”

“
How bad?”

“
It's been worse.”

Domini rattled off a Russian phrase.

Hell, she only swore in Russian when she was really
pissed. He attempted to remove his stump from her hands. “Let
me do this. I…you know my family ain't ever seen me—”

“
Vulnerable?” she supplied. “The
injured war hero Cameron McKay has a chip on his shoulder the size of
his missing leg, when it comes to letting his family see his stump.”

Cam's mouth dropped open in shock.

But his wife wasn't finished. “I can see how
you'd hate all the love, support and help they've offered
you. That has to suck.”

“
Domini—”

She got right in his face. “I understand that you
don't want to show your stump to the world at large. But these
people—” she gestured to the group watching them very
closely from afar, “—aren't the world at large.
They care about you. They always have, they always will. What don't
you get about that?”

“
You sent Keely away,” he pointed out.

“
I'm not talking about Keely. Besides, if I
wouldn't have told her to back off, you would have.”

True.

“
Your inability to let your family see, just once,
what the damn war did to you physically, makes you emotionally
handicapped, and that is way worse than losing your damn leg.”

A hot wave of shame washed over him.

What could he say? Domini was exactly right. Yet, no one
had dared say it to him before now. Ballsy, this soft-spoken woman he
married.

He turned his head, but instead of facing away, he
looked toward the family members who hadn't gone far after the
directive from his suddenly bossy wife.

In truth, his family never had gone far. They'd
rallied around him from the second he'd been back on American
soil. Never complained when he'd banned them from the hospital.
Understood when he claimed the need for privacy. Had they resigned
themselves to the fact he'd never be the man he was?

You aren't the man you were and maybe that's
not such a bad thing.

Talk about a day for epiphanies.

Domini touched his face. “You mad at me?”

He kissed the inside of her wrist. “Yeah, I hate
that you're right. So what do I do? Lay here and let them file
over and gawk at me like…”
I've
always feared they would?

The pack of dogs chasing a squirrel brought Ky running
past. He skidded to a stop. Behind Ky were the rest of his nephews.
His whole body stiffened as he braced himself for their stares. And
questions. And disgust.

Ky peered at his stump without apology. “So did it
hurt when they chopped it off?”

“
I don't remember, but it hurt afterward.”

Gib asked, “Didja cry?”

“
Yep.”

“
I prolly woulda cried too,” he said
solemnly.

Out of the mouth of babes.

Thane edged closer to the prosthetic. “Is that a
robot leg?”

“
Sort of.”

His hazel eyes went wide. “Like in
Transformers
?”

“
If it was like in
Transformers
,
Uncle Cam could turn his leg into an arm,” Ky chided.

Before Cam answered, Gib said, “Wouldn't it
be cool if he could turn it into a machine gun?”

“
That'd totally be cool!”

“
Yeah! Or how about some of them knives?”
Thane said, adding a slashing motion.

The boys wandered off, debating the merits on the
coolest robotic body parts.

Cam frowned.
That
was the extent of it? That was what he'd worried about? Sort of
anticlimactic.

Soft fingertips gently traced the red marks on his
stump. Domini said nothing; she just touched him and he felt it clear
down to his soul. He mouthed, “I love you,” and she gave
him that special serene smile.

Four shadows fell across him. He looked up as Carter,
Colby, Cord, and Colt crouched down.

A tense minute passed when no one spoke.

“
Sorry about the boys. They were…curious,”
Carter said.

“
No harm. I can't say as I blame them. We'da
all done the same thing at their ages.”

“
I've said it before, and I'll say it
again, it sucks ass that this happened to you, bro,” Colt said.

Murmured agreements.

Colby poked the fake leg. “How in the hell you
walk on this every day is beyond me.”

“
Obviously I didn't do such a bang up job of
walkin' on it today.”

Another bout of silence.

Cord cleared his throat. “I admire the hell outta
you for even tryin'.”

“
We all do,” Carter added. “But as
long as you're a captive audience, we ain't letting you
up until we've had our say.”

Fucking awesome.

“
Since you came back you've forced us to see
things in a new light in this family. So it's ironic you can't
see what's right in front of you,” Carter said.

“
Did you think we'd look at you differently
just because you're missing a goddamn leg?” Colby's
eyes bored into him. “Did you honestly fucking believe that
we'd somehow see you as…weak?”

“
Yeah, I did. Look at me. I'm sitting in the
fucking skunkweed. I can't get up by myself. That makes me
weak.”

“
No, that makes you stupid,” Cord fired
back.

“
Picking on the cripple, that's nice, bro.”

Domini didn't pipe in to defend him. She stayed
silent and watchful.

Colby's arms were crossed over his chest. “I
think what Cord—and all of us are sayin'—is we're
goddamned glad you ain't dead. If anyone is weak in this
family, it's us, because we haven't kicked your sorry ass
before this. We just let you be. Well, that bullshit is over, little
bro, I guarantee it. You're part of this family whether you're
ranchin' with us or not. Whether you like it or not. So get
used to it. We're gonna be in your face and in your life like
we should've been all along.”

Cam stared at Colt. Then Cord. Then Colby. Then Carter.
His embarrassment at how he'd treated his brothers vanished
when he understood how goddamn lucky he was to have them. How he had
a chance to make this—another thing that'd gone wrong in
his life—right.

“
Don't you have something to say?”
Colt prodded.

“
You wanna know what sucks worse than ranching?”

“
Nothing?” Carter offered.

Chuckles broke out.

“
No. It was worse having to face Brandt and tell
him about Luke. Losing his brother…I never want to go through
that. Ever. Jesus.” Cam stopped, afraid he'd start
bawling. Domini's steady grip on his hand encouraged him to go
on. “I never realized how hard it must've been on you
guys, especially in the beginning, when you didn't know if I
was alive or dead. Then I get back here and I'm not the same
guy.”

“
Believe it or not, none of us are the same guy
since you left when you were eighteen,” Cord said. “You'd
know that if you weren't bein' such a reclusive asshole.”

Cam winced. “I deserve that and more. Christ. I'm
sorry.”

“
We've all had our bad moments, that's
for damn sure.” Colt flashed him a challenging grin. “So
now that all the touchy-feely crap is over…question is: do you
need help up?”

Say no. Scream no.

Cam swallowed his pride and his fear. “Yeah. Since
I forgot my crutches, that'd be great.”

“
See? That wasn't so hard.”

His brothers carried him to the porch like it was no big
deal. He didn't point out they should've carried him to
his damn truck so he could go home.

All of a sudden his brothers took off like their boots
were on fire. When a sharp gasp sounded, he knew why: his mother
stood behind him.

“
So, is it worse than you thought?” he asked
brusquely, fighting the temptation to cover his limb.

“
No. The worst part was not knowing what it looked
like.”

Cam tipped his head back. Tears rolled from the corners
of his mother's eyes. Shit. “Ma. Don't—”

“
Don't you tell me how to react when I see
my boy's blown-off leg for the first time, don't even
try, Cameron West McKay.”

He bit his tongue, letting her to harangue him because
he deserved it.

“
After they told us you were gonna live through
your injuries, I'll admit after the immediate feeling of
relief, I was pissed off at you.”

“
Caro…” his dad warned.

She waved him off. “I thought if you would've
stayed here on the ranch, being a cowboy like your brothers, that
this wouldn't have happened to you.

“
But then I think of poor Dag. And now Luke…and
what their families—what our family is going through and how
it's ripping them apart on so many levels. Stupid accidents
happen everywhere. All the time. No one is immune. No one is ever
really safe.” A small sob escaped. “I realized I can't
protect you any more now than when you were my sweet baby boy who was
determined to run before you could even walk.”

“
Ma.”

“
But it doesn't change the fact I hate that
you're embarrassed about your stump. I hate you don't
understand how I see that stump—not as not a flaw, but a
miracle.” She reached for Cam's hand. “You don't
want to hear this, but I'll say it anyway. When you went
missing…” Her voice cracked. “That was the worst
week of my life. Or so I thought.”

Cam frowned.

“
But in some ways, it's been harder having
you living in Sundance. When you were in the army, you had an excuse
for not being here. I could tell myself you
would
be with us if you could. Now that you live ten miles away and we
still don't see you, I know it's your choice to stay
away. The lie no longer works and that's what hurts the most.”

“
I never meant to hurt any of you.”

“
But you did.”

“
I'm sorry.”

“
I know you are. And I forgive you even when I
still want to paddle your butt.” She kissed his forehead. “But
it needed to be said.”

He owed her more than a perfunctory
I'm
sorry
. He owed his entire family more than
that.