Signs of Love (14 page)

After he had handed it back to Caden, Justin slipped an arm around his thin shoulders and pulled him into a side hug. When Caden looked up, Justin smiled at him. This kid was growing on him in ways he'd never imagined a child would—with the exception of his niece.

When he heard the delicate clearing of a throat, Justin lifted his head to find Alana standing a few feet away, her expression unreadable.

CHAPTER TEN

"Everything okay?" She said the words at the same time as she signed.

Justin glanced down at Caden then gave Alana a thumbs up. Caden grinned as he turned to his mom and gave her the same gesture. She gave a small shake of her head, but a smile played at the corners of her mouth.

"Ready to go?" Justin asked as he stood up, taking in her attire for the first time.

While she had changed into something besides a skirt, it all still hung on her like it was a size or two too big. She wore loose pants and a long sleeve T-shirt that covered her waist and hips. Her hair was still tucked up in the braid she always seemed to wear it in.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," Alana said. She signed something to Caden, who nodded in reply and once again turned his attention to his tablet.

Justin touched her elbow and guided her to the middle of the mat. "Okay, before we start anything, let's talk a bit about potential threats and being aware."

~*~*~

Alana tried to keep her gaze on Justin's face as he talked to her, but it was a struggle. She kept fighting the urge to lower her head. Why hadn't she realized sooner that was something she still carried with her? Craig had towered over her and had always taken her meeting his gaze as challenging him for some reason. Justin was the first man where she'd been in a position to experience those feelings again.

Justin stopped talking for a moment as his gaze narrowed then he said, "Breathe."

She stared at him. "What?"

"Breathe. You're holding your breath." Justin took a step back from her. "Relax."

Alana became aware of how tightly her crossed arms pressed against her rib cage. And she gripped her upper arms so forcibly she was probably giving herself bruises. Dipping her head, she took a couple of deep breaths and lowered her arms. "Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize." Justin's voice was gentle. "What am I doing that is making you uneasy?"

Look him in the eye. He's not Craig
.

She lifted her gaze to meet his. His blue eyes didn't show any anger or displeasure with her for what she'd done. Just concern.

"Here do this with me," Justin said. "Take a breath in for two counts then hold for two counts and exhale for two counts. Can you do that?"

Alana nodded. Breath in.
One. Two.
Hold.
One. Two
. Exhale.
One. Two
. She held his gaze as she did it again and he did it along with her.

After doing it a few times, Justin smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

"Yes."

"Breathing like that can help to calm you down, but it can also help you to concentrate and focus." Justin put his hands on his hips as he looked down at her. "You know, I wanted to do something in return for your help in learning sign language, but I realize now that maybe I pressured you into something you're not comfortable with."

Alana really just wanted a few minutes to gather herself back together. She was reacting on so many different levels it felt like there was a cacophony of emotion going on inside her. How could she find herself drawn to a man who, at the same time, brought back reactions that were tied to such a bad time in her life?

Standing this close to him, the scent of his cologne or soap teased her senses and made it difficult for her to focus on what he'd said. Part of her knew it would be wise to take the out he offered. Neither she nor Caden needed to be around him this much. It was only going to lead to heartache for one or, most likely, both of them. She glanced over at Caden and found that he was watching them, his expression serious.

What a mess.

She took a deep breath and let it out before looking at Justin. He hadn't moved. It was almost as if he was afraid he'd spook her if he did. "I want to learn this. For me. For Caden. It's all just very new."

Alana paused, but Justin didn't say anything. He just stood there watching her. She knew she needed to put it all out there so he'd understand. Trying again to keep her gaze on his, she said, "Craig—my ex—was very much into body building. He was a...large man."

If she hadn't been looking at him, she wouldn't have seen the moment comprehension dawned on him.

"Like me." It wasn't a question.

"Yes. Like you."

His brows drew together. "Are you afraid of me?"

She hesitated, her thoughts going back to when they'd first met, but since getting to know him, that fear had faded. "No."

Apparently her hesitation hadn't gone unnoticed. "You need to tell me the truth."

"When we first met, yes, I was a bit fearful. Especially because you wore your weapons. But then I saw you with Beth and Genevieve and even with Caden and knew that although you might have similar physical characteristics, you weren't like Craig."

"You're right. I'm not. I know next to nothing about the man, but I can say with total confidence that I'm not like him at all." His gaze moved from her to Caden then back. "I would never hurt you or Caden. You have my word on that."

Physically maybe, but Alana was pretty sure that if she didn't keep her heart protected, she'd be feeling hurt in other ways. "I do understand that. My reactions caught me off-guard, to be honest. It's been awhile since I've dealt with that type of thing."

"I'm sorry if I was the one who triggered it," Justin said. "Do you want to stop for now?"

"I think it's the talking part." Alana motioned between the two of them. His looming over her seemed to be what was causing most of her issues. "If there's more you want to explain to me, it might be better if we did it sitting down."

Justin seemed to contemplate her words before nodding. "We can do that." Without saying anything further, he lowered himself onto the mat, crossing his denim-clad legs. He rested his hands on his thighs as he looked up at her. "Better?"

With a smile of relief, Alana settled onto the mat facing him with her legs crossed as well. "Yes, this is better."

~*~*~

Figuring Alana didn't need another possible emotional hurdle to overcome that day, Justin settled for just talking her through some of what they'd be doing. He was glad she'd told him what had been bothering her.

When he'd first noticed the tension rolling off her in waves, he'd been pretty certain she'd just tell him nothing was wrong if he asked about it. That she'd opened up to him about her ex was more than a little surprising. It was a bit difficult to hear though. An average man could do damage enough to someone like Alana, but someone who was focused on body building and who was built like him could do so much worse.

It had suddenly become very important that Alana know she never had to fear anything like that from him. He'd assured Caden that he wouldn't hurt his mom and now he needed Alana to know the same thing.

"I guess you changed for nothing," Justin said as he leaned back on his hands. "Next time, we'll work on some actual self-defense moves. As long as you feel up to it."

"I think I'll be okay with it. Having talked to you about it—my reaction earlier—has helped."

"Well, if something is making you uncomfortable, you only need to say the word."

"I will."

As he pushed to his feet and held out his hand to her, Justin asked, "Can I give you a ride?"

When she hesitated before slipping her hand into his, Justin wasn't sure if it was a reluctance to touch him or a reaction to his offer to give them a ride once again. The feel of her soft, delicate hand in his started a warmth that spread from his fingertips up his arm. Before Justin could relish the feeling too much, she took a step back from him, and he let her fingers slide from his.

"You could just drop us off at the same place as last time," Alana said as she clutched her hands together.

He wondered how long it would be until she would actually let him drive them home. "Sounds good. Do you want to change again before we leave?"

Alana looked down at herself. "Yes. I won't be long."

Justin nodded then watched as she spun around and headed for the changing room. He went back to where Caden sat. With a glance in the direction Alana had gone, Justin gestured for Cadent to give him the tablet.

After tapping the screen, Caden handed it to him. Justin knew he was going behind Alana's back, but he wanted to know where they lived, and he figured the boy might give up the information a bit more readily than his mother.

Do you know your address?

When Caden nodded, he tapped out
Can you tell me what it is?

Without hesitating, Caden took the tablet and tapped on the screen. Justin didn't recognize the address the boy had typed out, but he committed it to memory before taking the tablet once again.
Thank you.

He handed it back to Caden and watched as the boy glanced toward the change rooms and then pressed a finger to the backspace key on the screen keyboard. Pretty soon, their whole conversation was gone. Sneaky little guy.

They shared a grin then sat back to wait for Alana.

~*~*~

Alana was glad for her busy schedule over the next week. It kept her from thinking too much about Justin. At least during the day. Nothing could stop her from curling up on her bed in the darkness and imagining what it might be like to be loved by a man like him. She saw the depth of his ability to love when he was around Genevieve and Beth. Even when he'd been upset with his sister, he hadn't hurt her or withheld his love.

She'd only ever experienced that from Caden. And while she was extremely grateful for his unquestioning love, Alana wondered what it would be like to have someone
choose
to love her like that. To
choose
to give her a special place in their life. To protect her instead of inflict pain. To love her son as if he was their own.

"God, could you please bring us such a man?" Alana whispered the words into the silent darkness. She wasn't foolish enough to ask for Justin. Even though she felt that he was a good man for her...for them, Alana knew that there was no room for them in his life. Seeing him at Beth's earlier that evening had reinforced that in her mind, but her heart still felt far more than it should for this man she was only getting to know.

It wasn't often she let her emotions get the better of her, but it was so hard when she had a particularly long day. And with Caden's birthday looming—he’d mentioned it to her again that morning—all she could think about was how hard it was. She wanted—for just a few minutes—to have a pity party. This wasn't the life she'd envisioned for herself as a young girl. Kicked out by her family. Abused by her husband. Struggling to provide for a son she loved more than anything.

Alone.

Hot tears burned her skin as they slid from her eyes to soak the pillow beneath her cheek. She rubbed a hand over her chest, trying to ease the pain and tightness there. But the tears wouldn't stop, and the tightness wouldn't free her from its grip.

I am strong. I am capable of doing anything. I am worth loving. I will survive.

It was a mantra she'd begun to repeat to herself in the months leading up to her escape from Craig.

"You are weak." He would shout at her when he'd try to get her to work out with him, ignoring the fact that most the time she was in too much pain to do much of anything. Never mind that she really had no interest in bodybuilding.

I am strong
.

"You're just lucky you have me. You'd be useless on your own."

I am capable of doing anything
.

"I don't know why I keep you around. You don't even know how to please a man. Maybe if you could figure that out, I'd love you."

I am worth loving
.

And when he would strike out at her, she'd let her mind drift away as she told herself
I will survive
.

And she had. Survived and thrived.

It took a long time, but finally her emotions were spent and her thoughts stopped whirling. But clearly she hadn't completely let go of what had been drifting through her mind before falling asleep as she woke several times during the night. Often it was nightmares of being back with Craig that roused her, trembling and desperate to know that she and Caden were safe.