Signs of Love (23 page)

"Alana," Beth said her name softly. "Though I would love to see you and Justin together, all I ask is that if you do give him a chance, make sure that it's for you and not for Caden. Justin hasn't had an easy life either, and he deserves a woman who accepts him for who he is, not for how he treats her son."

Alana glanced up to meet her friend's gaze. She nodded that she understood. Justin did deserve what Beth wanted for him. 

And she didn't.

It took a little while, but finally Caden was settled for the night in the big bed they'd shared the last time they'd stayed the night. Once she was sure he was asleep, Alana took the laptop Justin had given her and went to sit on the soft couch in the rec room. Beth had told her to think of the lower level as their home for as long as they needed it.

She sank onto the couch, pulling her feet in to sit cross-legged and propped the laptop on her knees. It was stunning to consider the past twenty-four hours. It had been a roller-coaster ride of emotion the likes of which she'd never known. From terror to worry to thankfulness to...maybe love?

As she sat there staring blankly at the laptop screen, Alana wondered if she dared hope. Hope for something good for her—not just Caden—because although it was a definite bonus that Justin and Caden had a connection, there were emotions she had for the man that had nothing to do with her son.

She'd fallen hard and fast for Craig when they'd met when she was in high school. The youngest—the "surprise baby"—she’d never achieved the successes of her older brother and sister. Her parents had invested their time and resources in her much- older siblings, and Alana had been left to find her own way through school and any extracurricular activities she'd wanted to be involved in. So it was no wonder, really, that when Craig began to pay attention to her she'd fallen for him so quickly. Gave in to him physically far too easily.

And boy, had she gotten her parents' attention when she'd wound up pregnant.

Her gaze drifted to the slightly open door to the room where Caden slept. They'd told her that keeping the
fetus
would be the worst decision she'd ever make. When she'd gone ahead and made that decision, they made theirs and cut her out of their lives. All of them.

People told her that she was lucky Craig had agreed to marry her and then had gone on to provide her and Caden with such a wonderful life. All they saw was the outside trappings of the life they lived...never the terror that occurred behind closed doors.

Realizing that her hands had clenched into fists, Alana took a deep breath and relaxed her fingers. That was over now. No longer a part of her life. After that last horrific beating where Craig had threatened Caden, she'd called the police. They'd taken one look at her and arrested Craig. Though his family's lawyers had worked their magic for him, she'd gotten what she wanted from him. In exchange for no spousal or child support as part of the divorce, he would terminate his parental rights. He'd been more than happy to oblige. With the help of an abused women's support group, she'd been able to get the sealed file for her name change as an extra layer of protection in case Craig changed his mind. She was sure he never would, but all of that added to the maelstrom of emotions she was dealing with now.

She'd thought that Justin's physique being so similar to Craig's would be a deterrent, but it seemed that the opposite was actually true. This man didn't use his strength to inflict pain on those around him. But there was no doubt in her mind that if Craig ever bothered to track her down, Justin wouldn't hesitate to go to her defense. He protected those he cared for and that was a big draw for her.

Once they'd gotten past that rough start, Alana had found herself looking forward to being around him. He'd become a part of the life she only allowed herself to dream of as she'd lay in bed late at night. She hadn't lied to Beth when she'd said that she thought she wasn't the right woman for him. That's why Alana had only allowed herself to dream about it, not to ever really consider it might come true. But when Caden had revealed how important Justin was to him, Alana had become scared that unlike her ability to relegate Justin to the "wishful thinking" part of her heart, her son would not be able to realize that his feelings might not be returned.

Alana couldn't stop the smile that edged up the corners of her mouth. Caden was braver than she was. He'd taken the bull by the horns and ended up with the result he wanted—well, part of it anyway. She would have let fear hold her back. Fear of being rejected again. Fear of not being enough for Justin.

And yet...

But what if I want you to read more into it?

Suddenly, she wanted to talk to Justin, but she had no way to do that. Her phone wasn't hooked up yet so she couldn't call or text. And she'd lost his card that had his email address on it.

Alana slid the computer off her lap and got to her feet. She walked quietly up the stairs to see if Beth was still awake. She found her friend curled up in an easy chair, a ball of yarn in her lap as her hands worked a crochet hook. The TV played on low. A crime drama from the look of it.

Beth looked up and smiled at her, lowering her hands. "Hey. Caden go down okay?"

"He went down just fine. I think he was pretty wiped from everything of the past day."

"I would have thought you'd be wiped out too," Beth commented.

"I am, but my mind is kind of whirling around right now." She paused, swallowing the lump that had suddenly grown in her throat. "Actually, that's why I'm here. Do you have Justin's email address?"

Beth's eyes widened briefly as she jabbed the tip of the crochet hook into the ball of yarn and set it on the small table at her elbow. "Sure. I can also give you his instant messenger username."

Alana wasn't sure she was ready for that type of chatting just yet...especially if he wanted to video chat. For now, she just wanted to be able to write him an email to kind of break the ice in the new direction they seemed headed.

She followed Beth into the kitchen where the woman pulled a pad of paper and a pen from a drawer. She scribbled something on the top sheet then pulled it off and handed the paper to Alana.

Alana stared at it for a moment and then folded the paper, her fingers trembling slightly. Trying to quiet the fluttering in her stomach, she looked back up at Beth, her fingers working the crease of the folded paper. "Do you really think...?"

Beth leaned a hip against the counter and crossed her arms, the movement making her look more like Justin than she normally did. "Do I really think you and Justin would be good together?"

Alana nodded, suddenly realizing that if she did get involved with Justin and things didn't turn out well, she'd likely lose a friend too. Beth was the first really good friend she'd had since...well, forever. She'd connected with her and Daniel in a way she hadn't with the other couples she'd worked with.

"Actually, I think you would. I'm sure you call to Justin's protective nature even though he knows how strong you are. And I do think his protective nature draws you to him as well. But you need to understand and accept that wanting that protectiveness in a man doesn't make you weak. You've already proven how strong you are. I also think you have plenty of love to give. And I saw Justin's face tonight with Caden...I don't doubt for a moment that he loves Caden.

“Justin has been responsible for so long, putting aside his own desire for a military career to take care of me. I think he loves his job now, but he needs more than that even if he won't come right out and say it. Though if tonight was any indication, I think he's coming to that realization himself." Beth walked to her and wrapped her arms around her. "I know this isn't easy for you, but it will be worth it in the long run. I'll be praying for you both."

"Thank you," Alana said as she returned her friend's hug then stepped back. "Well, I'll let you get back to your evening." She lifted the paper. "And thanks for this."

"Feel free to come to me if you need someone to talk to about all this. Yes, I want to see Justin happy, but I want that for you too. I'll do what I can to help you both."

As she made her way back downstairs, Alana thanked God for bringing Beth and Daniel into her life. It seemed wrong to be thankful for Genevieve's hearing loss, but that was what had brought them together. Hopefully, she and Caden had brought joy to their lives as much as they'd brought to hers.

Back on the couch, she resumed her position from earlier. She opened up her email and clicked to compose a message then sat and stared at the blank white space trying to gather her thoughts.

~*~*~

Steam filled the bathroom from the water he'd turned on and cranked to hot in the shower. Justin reached back and grasped his T-shirt between his shoulder blades to pull the wet fabric over his head then dropped it to the floor. His muscles were screaming at him for the punishing workout he'd just put them through. He hoped the hot water would ease some of the pain.

As soon as he'd gotten to the compound, he'd gone right to the weight room to start pumping. Thankfully, the room had been empty at that time of night. Although maybe it would have been better if he hadn't been alone with his thoughts. 

It seemed all he did was replay the evening over and over in his mind and wonder if he'd messed up by saying what he had to Alana as he was leaving. She'd seemed so shocked at his words, making him contemplate the possibility that she hadn't considered him in that light.

And even now, he couldn't get the whole evening out of his head. In the past, he hadn't had to pursue women. They were usually the ones coming after him. He knew it was a combination of his physique and the gruff, bad-boy image he seemed to portray to the world even though nothing could be further from the truth. 

Okay, gruff, maybe, but a bad boy? Not really. Not in the way the women had thought he'd be apparently since none of them had stuck around very long when they'd discovered his idea of a good time was sparring with his co-workers or watching sports on television. Preferably football or NASCAR. So trying to figure out how to convince Alana to give him a chance was a challenge.

This was probably the reason he was better off single than trying to navigate the waters of a relationship.

Justin growled in frustration as he grabbed a towel to dry off. After pulling on a pair of sweats and another T-shirt, he ventured into his small kitchen and pulled a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. He swiped a banana from the bowl by his coffee maker and settled down on a chair at the small table in front of his laptop. After pressing the button to bring it to life, he peeled the banana and took a bite.

Trying to push aside his thoughts of the past hour, Justin opened his email program to see if there were any work-related emails he needed to deal with. He had no doubt his attention for the rest of the week would be divided between the training already scheduled and working with the rest of the team to figure out who was targeting them.

Several emails popped into his inbox, but the most recent one caught Justin's attention. The sender was A. Jensen and the subject line read
This is all new to me
.

He frowned, wiggling his finger on the touchpad and sending the pointer all over the screen. Did he want to open it and see what she had to say? Well, that was a dumb question because of course he did. But was he ready for it?

After circling the subject line a few times with the pointer, he told himself to buck up and be a man. It wasn't as if it said something like
Please leave me alone
or
You must be insane
. To be honest, her subject line was one he could have used himself in reference to this whole situation.

Saying a quick prayer that he hadn't made things even more awkward between them, Justin clicked on the email and watched it fill his screen. It wasn't a short and sweet
let's do this,
but it also wasn't a to-the-point
not interested
either.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Hi Justin ~ First of all, let me thank you once again for all you did today for Caden and me. I know others were involved, but I also know that you were the driving force behind it. I appreciate your efforts on our behalf more than you'll ever know.

What happened tonight with Caden was no real surprise to me. At the family day with you, he told me then that he loved you. I was scared to let him get even more attached to you, so I tried to keep him from you. I didn't want him to get hurt. But apparently he was determined. All he knows is how he feels and he wanted to share it with you.  Thank you for taking it all in stride.

If I had to choose a better role model than you for Caden, I don't think I could. I'm sure he has some memories of his father, though I haven't talked to him much about it, but the fact that he attached himself to you in spite of the physical similarities to his dad makes me think he sees beyond that to the man you are inside. And he apparently thinks that man is worth admiring...loving.

Beth tells me you are a good man, but I already knew that. Caden and I have been blessed to have you in our lives. Maybe we can see you again sometime this week?

Take care ~ Alana

Justin read the email over a couple of times. She still didn't seem to be separating herself from Caden when it came to him, but maybe he would have to be the one to initiate that. And he was okay with that. She'd opened the door a crack, and he was going to nudge it a bit further.

He clicked the screen to send a reply, pausing for a bit to formulate what he wanted to say.

Hi Alana ~ Thanks for the email. I would like to see you and Caden again this week. I have a team in this week and it's going to be pretty busy with them, so it might not be until Friday. I'll come by Beth's as soon as I'm done work. ~ Justin

  He would have loved to be more specific about a date, but Justin had a feeling that vague would do better at this point. And he wasn't one for writing long emails anyway, so short and sweet would have to be good enough.

Though he wished it wasn't going to be a few days before he saw Alana again, Justin knew it was probably better to let her get through the emotions of the past day and get back on her feet. Hopefully by Friday, she'd be feeling like her life was closer to normal. His biggest concern at this point was that she would likely not want to stay with Beth and Dan too long. That would mean she'd be looking for another rundown apartment in another rundown part of the city. He knew she couldn't afford anything more, but he really didn't like the idea of her returning to a place like the one that had just burned down.

Knowing there was nothing else he could do right then about that particular problem, Justin turned his attention to the other emails in his inbox.

~*~*~

Alana had been working on her blog for the next day when the alert went letting her know she had a new email. She clicked to bring the program up and smiled even as a group of butterflies started fluttering in her stomach when she saw Justin's name.

She hadn't known what to expect from him in response to her email. Thankfully, it looked like he was willing to take it slow and spend some time with them. She knew that would make Caden happy, and she had to be honest with herself—it would make her very happy too.

Humming to herself, she finished her blog and set it to post late the next afternoon then worked on the email she'd send out with the same information. It was these small tasks that helped settle her and made her feel like they were well and truly over the worst of what the fire had wreaked on their lives.

She did one last round of her social media and email before closing the laptop. As she leaned her head back, Alana knew she couldn't stay that way long or she'd end up spending the night on that oh-so-comfy couch. With a sigh, she pushed to her feet and went into the bedroom. Beth had given her a small nightlight and it cast just enough glow for her to see that Caden still slept soundly. She'd wondered if he might have bad dreams after what had happened the night before, but so far, so good. Of course, the night wasn't even half over.

After a quick trip to the bathroom to brush her teeth, Alana slipped between the sheets and as she sank into the mattress, she let out a long sigh. It felt good to finally be able to just let everything go.

Thank you, God, for bringing us through this awful day. Thank you that neither of us were hurt. And thank you for the provision of what we needed and even more and for friends. Thank you so much for friends. Alana's thoughts went to the conversation with Justin. His blue eyes had been so serious as he'd delivered his line right before walking out of the house. And if this...relationship with Justin is Your will for us, I pray You'll make that clear to each of us.

And as she finally said Amen, Alana curled onto her side and let her gaze linger on her son's sleeping form on the other side of the large bed and then slid into slumber.

The next day, Beth took her to get her new phone activated then the two of them spent some time wandering around a mall with Caden and Genevieve. It all felt so...normal. Like the fire and losing all their stuff had happened in a dream, not in this reality. But here she and Caden were, dressed in clothes provided by people who considered her a friend, and though they'd lost everything they'd owned, it wasn't only the replacement of those things that made her grateful, but the friendships that had developed because of their circumstances. Although, if she really thought about it, some of those friendships had started back that day when they'd gone to the BlackThorpe family event.

Beth didn't ask anything more about Justin nor did she ask if Alana had emailed him. Their time together at the mall was relaxing and a good distraction from all that had gone on lately. They stopped at the grocery store on their way home and picked up some food for supper. As they carried the groceries into the house a short time later, Alana was reminded again of how much generosity was involved in Beth and Daniel opening their home to her and Caden.

Not wanting them to feel as if their privacy had totally been invaded, once dinner was over and clean up was completed, Alana took Caden downstairs where she spent some time working with him on a few of the educational apps he had on his tablet. Though she'd technically finished homeschooling him for the year, she still liked to keep up with some subjects, particularly reading. It wasn't just a way to make sure he could communicate with people who didn't know sign language, but to also increase his own vocabulary of signs.

He was reading a story about a boy and his dad, and partway through, he paused and looked at her.
Will we see Justin soon?

Yes. He said Friday hopefully
.

Caden's face lit up then he turned his attention back to the book in his lap. Alana reached out and ran her fingers through his curls. He shot her a sideways grin before continuing to read. She bent her knees and tucked her feet under the hem of her skirt. She realized as she sat there that part of the peace within her came from feeling secure in a way she never really had in the apartment.

Even though she'd had more than the one lock on the apartment door, Alana had never fully trusted they would keep out someone determined to get inside. Being in this house in a nice neighborhood and knowing that Daniel could protect them if anything happened gave her a sense of security. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to last too long. She had to start looking for a new place soon. There was enough money in her account to pay for one month's rent since she'd saved it to pay for the next month but after the apartment had burned, it was still sitting there. She'd had no calls or messages from the landlord of the building and figured she wouldn't be getting anything out of him.

Her phone chirped a text alert. Alana picked it up and smiled when she saw a message from Justin.

How was your day?

Relaxing back against the soft cushions, Alana tapped out a reply.
It was really good. Got my phone activated—obviously—and spent time with Beth and Genevieve walking around the mall. How was yours?

It took a couple of minutes before another message popped up on her screen.

Tiring. I'm training along with this group and they're strong. Really push themselves and me. There's been a change in plans tho. They're staying two more weeks, but they'll be off official training Friday night through Sunday, so we're still on.

Alana's heart skipped a beat, wondering what—if anything—he might have planned for them. To be honest, just being together even if they stayed in the house was fine with her.
That sounds good. Caden was just asking if he'd see you again soon. He was happy when I said you'd be here on Friday.

Justin's reply was there almost immediately after she'd sent hers.
And you?

And me what?
Even as Alana hit send on the message, she knew what he was asking. Playing dumb wasn't something she should do with him. Quickly, she tapped out another message.
Yes, I'm happy to know you'll be here Friday too.

Time stretched on as she waited for his reply, certain that it must be a long one if it was taking this long to send it back. But when the message came, it was short.

That makes three of us.

Alana wondered at the delay in his response but then pushed it from her mind. She couldn't allow herself to start focusing on things that weren't obviously important. He said he was happy to be seeing them on Friday too, so she'd take him at his word.

She bit her lip as she stared at the small screen, trying to figure out what to type in reply. But before she could formulate a reply, another message popped up.

Must head for bed. Have to be up at 4 tomorrow morning. Sleep well & have a good day tomorrow.

Alana experienced equal parts relief and disappointment, but at least now she knew what to type.
Have a good night & stay safe!

Despite having not even heard his voice, Alana found herself to be ridiculously giddy over their conversation. That he'd thought about her and texted to chat touched her more than she thought it would. And the feelings she had for the man swelled within her heart.

Please, God, let this be what's right for us both.

Once she'd put Caden to bed, Alana spent some time on her work and then browsed through the available apartments online. She kept one browser window open with the listings and another with a map so she could see where they were located. Even if they did have to rent a somewhat run-down place for the first few months, she hoped that come the fall when she was able to get a job, they'd be able to move into a better apartment in a nicer neighborhood.

Regardless of what may or may not happen with Justin, Alana needed to focus on taking care of Caden and herself. She'd accepted a lot of help already—more than she was really comfortable with—but at some point, she needed to stand on her own two feet once again. 

But for the first time in a long time, she actually allowed herself to look beyond just a few months into the future. Looking into the future now meant considering that maybe she and Caden would have a man in their lives who would love and protect them. She wasn't interested in casual dating. If she was going to get involved with Justin, it meant she would be willing to marry him.

The thought sent a frisson of excitement up her spine, but it was quickly followed by a flash of fear. Marriage hadn't been the best thing in her experience. Would it be different with Justin? If that was even what he wanted...

They hadn't known each other all that long. Maybe it was too soon to even let thoughts like that enter her mind. But it was hard not to when she'd seen things in Justin that called to parts of her that she'd kept buried for so long. And images captured in her mind that she didn't think she'd ever forget. Like seeing Justin gather Caden into his arms when he found them at the motel. And pressing his fingers to Caden's to tell him he loved him. 

As a young girl, all she dreamed of was finding someone who would love and care for her in a way no one had in her family. She'd thought—for a brief moment in time—that she'd found that with Craig. When she realized it was going to be nothing like she'd hoped, Alana had shoved those dreams deep down because dwelling on them hurt too much. Then she'd met Beth and Daniel and in them she'd seen what a real, loving relationship looked like. More than any other couple she'd worked with, they had let her into their lives, opening her eyes to possibilities that slowly drew her dreams to the surface again. It was very hard not to want to give Justin a starring role in those dreams.