Signs of Love (27 page)

Justin adjusted the collar of his shirt as he stood in front of the mirror. He scowled at his reflection, suddenly wishing he had a do-over for the week. He hated the thought of letting anyone down—least of all a kid who had dealt with so much in his life already. And while he wasn't one to admit to fearing much, the thought of letting Caden down did scare him a bit. What if he couldn't live up to the boy's expectations? 

And Alana... She'd already been let down in such a big way when it came to men. And now he'd let her down too. Oh, no doubt she accepted it because she likely didn't think she deserved better, but she did.

He ran a hand through his hair. One week into the relationship and he'd already screwed up. Big time. He hadn't contacted her the first couple of days because he truly had been crazy busy. At the end of the long days of training, he'd come back to the apartment and crashed. Literally, taking a shower and falling into bed. Excuses aside, he had to make this up to Alana. To both of them. 

Justin left the bedroom and grabbed his keys and cellphone from the counter where he'd left them earlier. He sure hoped that the reception included a big meal. He was starving and with the wedding starting at six, he didn't really have time to eat anything beforehand. The thought of going through the drive-thru on the way to the ceremony was enticing, but he was already running later than he should be. 

He left the BlackThorpe compound feeling a bit like he was a day late and a dollar short on a few fronts in his life right then. Not used to that out-of-control feeling, he had a burning need to get everything back on solid ground. Hopefully, step one would be seeing Alana and Caden at the wedding.

Justin let out a quick breath when he finally pulled his truck into the driveway of the Hamilton mansion shortly before six. Apparently Lucas and Brooke had let Trent and Victoria hold their small wedding in the large backyard. There was a smattering of cars, but nothing like the number that had been present for Victoria's brother, Eric's wedding. He spotted Beth and Daniel's SUV as he strode toward the walk that led to the back of the house. 

As Justin rounded the corner of the house, he ran into Than. The man was all smiles every time Justin saw him these days. Ever since Lindsay had put him out of his misery and agreed to give him a second chance. Than had also been a good listening ear when Justin had shared a bit about what was going on with Alana and Caden. The man definitely had more experience in dealing with women than he did.

"Alana's not with you?" Than asked as they shook hands.

Justin frowned. "She's not with Beth and Dan?"

"Not that I saw."

He looked past Than to the people in the backyard, his gaze searching for Alana or Beth. "I'm going to have to figure out what's going on. Talk to you later."

Justin strode across the perfectly mowed lawn in search of his sister. When he spotted her and Dan talking with Eric and Staci, Justin changed direction to join them.

"Hey, Justin," Beth said as she slid an arm around his waist and gave him a hug. "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to make it."

"Where's Alana?" he asked, his gaze still scanning the crowd.

"Um...she and Caden left the house this morning to run some errands."

"She didn't plan to come to the wedding?"

"She said she wasn't invited," Beth said, her voice so low Justin had to bend down to hear her.

"But Trent said that she was."

Beth shrugged. "I don't know what's going on. All I know is that she came upstairs with Caden and said they had some errands to run and would probably be gone most the day."

A pit opened in the bottom of Justin's stomach. How much more messed up could this get? When Trent had reminded him at the beginning of the week about the wedding and mentioned that Alana had been invited as well, Justin had felt a sense of relief in knowing that even if his schedule kept him away from her during the week, he'd see her again on the weekend. Of course, the training during the week had pushed everything about the wedding from his mind yet again, so it was only because of Trent's call earlier that day that he was there.

"Where's Genevieve?" Justin asked as they settled into folding chairs that had been set up. There weren't a lot of them, but there were more than Justin had anticipated when Trent had said it was going to be a small wedding.

"She's staying with Emily tonight. She wanted to have her for a sleepover."

"Does she know sign language?" Justin asked as the gentle sounds of a string quartet began to play.

"She's learning too. Someone at the senior's center she goes to mentioned that they knew it so she decided to learn from them instead of with us."

Justin pulled his phone from the holder at his waist and before he could think too much about it, he tapped out a message to Alana...something he should clearly have done earlier.

Everything okay with you and Caden?

There were still people milling around, so Justin hoped he had enough time for a quick conversation with Alana before the ceremony got underway. The minutes ticked by without a response, and Justin had just about given up on getting one when a message flashed on his screen.

Everything is great. We had a good day together out running errands.
Another message came on the heels of that one.
How have you been?

Though he wanted to question her about the wedding, he couldn't very well ignore her question.
Super busy. This team is one of the best. We've been running through lots of training exercises and scenarios. And they've decided to stay one more week.

Sounds exhausting.

The change to the music had Justin lifting his head. He spotted Sarah, Eric's daughter, and Danny, Brooke's son, beginning to make their way down the aisle. Knowing he couldn't continue to text now that the wedding was starting, he sent one last text.

It is very exhausting. I need to go now. I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Justin stared at the one-word reply and felt uneasy. The situation was just getting worse and worse. Something told him making contact with her like this only to have to abruptly shut it down had done more harm than good. Maybe he'd been wrong to think he could juggle a relationship with Alana and still be able to do his job.  That had been the downfall of his last relationship. Maybe it was just him. After all, he had plenty of examples of people who juggled busy careers with family.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Justin let out a puff of air and tried to focus on the wedding. Brooke passed the end of their row, followed by another young woman. Both of them joined Trent at the front where he stood beside Eric and the minister. When he spotted Victoria coming down the aisle on her dad's arm, Justin couldn't keep his lips from turning up. She was radiant with her gaze fixed on Trent, a beaming smile on her face.

He remembered the first time Trent had brought Victoria to the compound to learn to shoot. Though she was a little person, her determination to be able to learn hadn't been daunted at all by her lack of height. Trent had given her the opportunity to learn, and she had tackled it and excelled at it.

As he watched, Mr. McKinley stooped to kiss his daughter on the cheek before giving her hand to Trent. The minister then welcomed them and spoke a bit about Trent and Victoria and offered them thoughts about marriage. Justin had never really paid a whole lot of attention to this part of the weddings he'd attended in the past. Mostly he was just biding his time until the reception where he could relax and enjoy some good food.

This time Justin couldn't—and didn't even bother to try to—block out the minister's words as he spoke to Trent and Victoria.

“The Bible talks about the two becoming one. Of a man loving his wife as he loves himself. And of a woman submitting to her husband. People like to look at each of those things individually when, in fact, they all tie together. Some people don't like the submitting part and want to reject that, but in a truly God-honoring marriage, all of the pieces must be put in place. The best way to make sure that happens is to give God first place in your life and then make each other a priority. A relationship cannot grow and flourish when you don't make it a priority and that's true of your relationship with God
and
your relationship with your spouse.

"In the busyness of life, it's easy to put your relationship last on the long list of things to do, assuming it will still be there when you have the time. That may work for a short time, but if it drags on too long, it will almost guarantee that you'll begin leading separate lives when you are supposed to be one. So take the time—make the time—to connect with each other on a daily basis. Pray together. Talk to one another. Be affectionate with each other. In this day and age, there's really no reason you can't be in contact during your day."

Justin winced and dropped his gaze to his phone where it still rested in his hands. He wasn't married to Alana, so maybe the daily contact wasn't necessary, but he really should have tried harder to reach out at least once every couple of days. But also he'd done what he always did when it came to his job. He immersed himself in it. That was the way he'd always worked.

And nothing had ever tempted him to change that...until now.

"Alana didn't make it?" Victoria asked a short time later when she came to the table where Justin sat with Beth and Dan and some other BlackThorpe employees.

Justin glanced at Beth and then looked at the bride. "She told Beth she wasn't invited."

Victoria frowned. "Well, I guess that's technically true. When I mentioned it to her, I told her she should come as your plus-one."

Justin's eyebrows rose. "My plus-one?"

"Yeah, you know. Come as your date." Victoria sighed. "Guess I should have told you that too, eh?"

"Possibly. Although, to be honest, I should have thought of it myself."

Victoria tilted her head, a smile teasing the corners of her lips. "So is there actually something between the two of you? Alana kind of brushed me off when I suggested that the day we met at the compound."

Justin drew circles on the tablecloth. "We're getting to know each other a little better."

Trent laid a hand on his shoulder. "We'll be praying that you'll both find God's will in your lives."

As Trent and Victoria moved on to talk to some of their other guests, Justin contemplated Trent's parting comment. It was an odd way to put it, almost as if Trent wasn't sure that it would be God's will for them to be together. On the guy's wedding day, Justin had expected a more romantic comment. Like how great it was to find the person who completed him. Or how blessed he was to have found the woman God had planned for him. Did Trent doubt Justin’s ability to find the balance he'd clearly been able to reach between his job and Victoria?

Well, now that did nothing to appease his own worries on the subject. Maybe he really wasn't cut out to be more than just a friend and the best employee BlackThorpe had ever had. So what did he do about what he'd started with Alana? Was it too late to take it back to the friendship they'd had before he opened the door to what he'd thought he could handle but apparently couldn't? Or was that just a cop out? 

Maybe their relationship wouldn't be easy, but that didn't mean it wasn't what God wanted for them. And it didn't mean it couldn't be good. Hard work had never scared him when it came to his job. He just needed to keep that in mind for a relationship too.

Justin shifted on his seat as he grappled with the mess of thoughts and feelings that spun through his mind. He listened as toasts were made. Watched as the bride and groom kissed...several times. And through it all he questioned if he had the ability to be the man Alana needed him to be. Oh, he knew he'd never hurt her the way her ex had, but there were others ways of hurting that could be worse than physical.

The thought of hurting her or Caden made him feel sick. He rubbed his finger across his forehead. In considering a relationship with Alana, he wasn't just committing to the possible role of husband but also that of father. Two people to let down. Two people to disappoint if he couldn't manage to find that necessary balance between his job and a family.

"Are you okay?" Beth's soft words brushed across him. She laid her hand on his arm and gave it a squeeze. More than anyone, she would understand the struggle he was having.

Once she and Dan had married and Justin's role as guardian/parent had ended, he'd thrown himself even more into his job. She'd seen what was happening and had been after him to pull back and hand over some of his responsibilities so that he could have a life outside of BlackThorpe. He tried to do as she suggested, had even gone so far as dating someone, but even scaling back some of his work hadn't been enough for her. The woman had told him she felt like a mistress that he fit in when his "wife" didn't need him. That idea left him with a bad taste in his mouth, but not enough to try to change more for her. It had been easier to just let her go.

He supposed that was the question he had to ask himself. Was it easier to just let Alana and Caden go than to do what he had to to change his devotion to his job? The unfortunate thing was that he couldn't make any changes until this next week was done, regardless. He had committed to working with this team personally, and they still had one more week to go. Maybe he'd just have to talk to Alana and let her know that he needed another week and then he'd be making some changes.

He just hoped he'd be able to follow through. For sure he wouldn't be able to do it on his own. That was difficult to come to terms with as well. Control had always been important to him. Perhaps what had happened with Genevieve and now Alana and Caden was God's way of showing him who really was in control. Something told him that trying to keep that control would only lead to more stress than he was currently feeling.

Justin followed Beth and Dan home once the reception had ended. By the time they pulled into their driveway, it was almost ten o'clock. He hoped Alana would still be up, but the sight of the darkened basement dashed those hopes.

"Do you want me to go see if she's still awake?" Beth offered. "She might just be in the room with Caden?"

Justin shook his head. "No. I don't want to bother her if she's ready for bed. I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Beth's gaze went to the darkened basement then came back to him. "You need to make some time to talk to her. Really talk. Not go to a movie or even out for dinner where you can't have a decent conversation."

Justin ran a hand through his hair. Beth was right, of course. She'd figured out the relationship stuff much better than he ever had. Ten years younger than him and she already had a healthy marriage to a man who loved her and their beautiful daughter.

What did he have? He stared down at his bare, empty hands. Nothing. That's what he had. Yes, he had a job that paid well and gave him a certain amount of fulfillment. But the money from the job just piled up in his bank account because he had nothing aside from a few toys—like his truck and weapons.

"I'd better go." Justin turned and reached for the door handle. Before Beth could say anything more, he twisted the knob and walked out into the dark night. Alone.

Ever since that horrible night when his commanding officer had told him what had happened to his family and everything had spun out of control, Justin had prided himself on having brought everything back under his control. Beth's life—until she'd married Daniel. His own life. And certainly his emotions.

But as he climbed behind the wheel of his truck and headed back to the compound, Justin had to finally admit that since the day he'd walked into Beth's house and seen Alana and Caden and had heard the news about Genevieve, his life had once again spiraled out of his control. His emotions were much too near the surface, and he hated that more than anything. How could he be confident in his ability to make quick decisions and deal with the tough stuff if he allowed those emotions to surface?

He wasn't a soft man. Nor was he a gentle one. But he couldn't have proved that in his dealings with Alana and Caden. They called to a part of him that he'd thought was long gone. Except that wasn't entirely true, he reminded himself. He'd dealt with Beth and Genevieve with that gentleness, but they were family. He loved them.

His heart sputtered to a stop and then started up again at a galloping pace. The "L" word tended to do that to him. Surely just because he also felt the need to treat Alana and Caden with that same gentleness didn't mean he loved them. Only...

His hands tightened on the steering wheel as he remembered Caden holding up his hand with his two middle fingers bent down. And he'd known what it said when he'd pressed his fingers against the little boy's. And he'd meant it. But Caden's demands on him were easily managed. What he didn't know was if he could meet the ones Alana would have for him. Those perfectly normal demands within a relationship between two people.

By the time he pulled into the compound, Justin hadn't figured out any answers. He wanted Alana and Caden in his life, but rising to the surface was his fear that when all was said and done, he wouldn't be able to give them what they needed. Alana hadn't escaped from one man who treated her poorly to end up with one who wasn't able to give her the time and attention she deserved.

If he'd been smart, he would have waited until this team was finished up before making his move. But no, he'd stepped right into the middle of it during one of the longest and most stressful training sessions he'd had in a long time, and he still had one more week to get through.

~*~*~

The next morning, Alana and Caden were up early and went upstairs to make some breakfast before church. She'd brought home some groceries the night before because she felt bad that they had eaten so much of Beth and Daniel's food. What she bought wasn't as much as she would have liked, but between needing to make sure she still had enough money for an apartment and not being able to carry much on the bus, it had ended up being only a couple of bags.

They'd finished cooking the bacon and scrambled eggs just a few minutes before Daniel put in an appearance.

"Smells delicious, guys," he said with a smile. He wore a pair of gray pleated slacks and a dark blue button down short sleeve shirt. "How did your day go yesterday? Beth mentioned you had some errands to run?"

Alana smiled at him as she slid some eggs onto a plate with several strips of bacon. She pushed the plate across the counter toward him and then laid a fork alongside it. "It was good. I think we've found an apartment. It's in a better neighborhood than the other one and will be closer to the school I hope to send Caden to in the fall."

Daniel settled on the stool, a frown on his face. "You've been looking for an apartment?"

"Well, yes. I didn't expect to continue to live here with you guys indefinitely. I can't even begin to thank you for being so generous in offering us a place to stay, but I'm sure you'd like to have your life back."