Signs of Love (4 page)

Realizing he needed to stay in the present, Justin turned his attention back to the conversation going on around the table. He almost checked out again when he realized they were talking about church-related stuff. Since hearing about Genevieve’s diagnosis, he had struggled with how God could allow yet another traumatic event in Beth’s life. Hadn’t losing the majority of her family in a horrific way been enough? Surely she had been entitled to be able to live out the rest of her life without any more heartbreaking trials.

But she didn’t question any of this. Her faith remained strong. When he’d returned to Minneapolis to take care of Beth, she had insisted on still going to church. After five years in the military, Justin hadn’t exactly been interested in attending at first. He’d gone just for her sake, but soon he was listening to the sermons and eventually, he’d reconnected to the faith his parents had raised them with. But that didn’t mean he didn’t still have some questions for God when stuff like this happened.  Because not understanding was one of the hardest things for Justin, and he definitely didn’t understand why Genevieve had to go through this.

“Would you be willing to take some sign language lessons, too, Justin?” Beth asked.

Justin looked from Alana to his sister. What could he say? He didn’t want to. He wanted to believe that he could find a cure for Genevieve. But what if he couldn’t? Sign language would be the only way to communicate with her. His gut clenched at the thought.

“I’ll think about it,” he said, not wanting to make any promises he couldn’t keep.

“Alana is a great teacher. And Caden has even been good helping with Genevieve,” Beth told him.

“I’ll think about it,” he repeated, his voice gruff.

~*~*~

Alana watched the exchange between Beth and her brother. She could see the firm set of Justin’s face as he responded to his sister’s suggestion about learning sign language. As far as she was concerned, she’d be just as happy if Justin didn’t want to learn from her. The less she had to do with the man, the better. And even less contact between him and Caden would be a good thing.

Still, she couldn’t miss the disappointment on Beth’s face when Justin refused to commit. Alana knew it was important for the relationship between Justin and his niece that he learn how to communicate with her. And it was easiest for them all to learn now because they would learn together at a more natural pace. Genevieve was young enough that she would only need the most basic of signs to start. The adults would pick it up more quickly and would always be able to communicate with the little girl even as they encouraged her to expand her vocabulary.

If Justin refused to learn, his relationship with Genevieve would suffer. It had probably been a poor decision on Beth and Daniel’s part not to let Justin know sooner what was going on. They’d worked through the process of coming to accept Genevieve’s diagnosis already. Beth needed to give her brother time to catch up to where they were in the grief process. Because, in a sense, that’s what it was. They’d had to grieve the loss of the future they thought their little girl had in front of her.

Alana would have had to be blind to miss the way Justin doted on his niece, so he needed to grieve the loss of that future as well. Maybe she should talk to Beth a little bit more about it. She’d hesitated to say anything until she’d actually met Justin, but now that she had, she could see that he was struggling with it all. And unless she was way off base, he wasn’t dealing well with her and Caden’s presence in their life—and what that represented—either.

Well, the feeling was somewhat mutual. She’d been hoping that Beth’s brother would be some nerdy geek who would be excited at the prospect of learning something new. Not a mountain of muscle who reminded her a little too much of her past. Beth’s brother was the type of guy she really didn’t want to be around. At all.

She hoped that he left soon because she didn’t like staying much past seven-thirty. Any later meant they had to make the walk from the bus stop to the apartment in rapidly fading daylight. After Justin had stopped to give them a lift, Alana was afraid he’d offer to give them a ride home. And she really didn’t want that.

“Marcus called the other day,” Beth said, interrupting Alana’s thoughts.

“He did?” Justin responded, his words as tense as the expression on his face. “What did he want?”

Beth shredded the piece of garlic bread she held. Without looking at Justin, she said, “He wanted to know if everything was okay. He said that when you’d come into the office for the meeting you looked a little worse for wear.”

“Did he now?” Anger laced Justin’s words. “Why did he feel it was necessary to call you?”

Alana saw Beth did look at her brother then, an eyebrow arched. “Seriously? You guys don’t talk. Ten years and you still haven’t talked to him about what happened.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Justin ground out as he tossed his napkin on the table. “If I wanted Marcus to know what was going on, I would have told him.”

“Well, I told him what was happening with Genevieve,” Beth stated firmly.

Alana could feel the irritation emanating off Justin. She glanced at Caden, but thankfully he was busy making faces at Genevieve. For a seven-year-old, Caden was remarkably adept at picking up on what people were feeling. She really didn’t want him picking up on this though.

“Why would you tell him that, Beth? It’s none of his business.”

“He’s family, Justin.” This time it was Daniel who spoke, his voice low and firm. “You can choose not to share about this, but Genevieve is our daughter, and if Beth wants Marcus to know about it, that is her right.”

Alana held her breath, waiting for Justin to lash out at the other man. He was definitely one who wanted to be in control and fix everything—that much she’d figured out already. And she sensed that anger bubbled near the surface of his emotions when it came to Marcus and whatever had happened in the past.

Strangely enough, even though Daniel’s words should have riled him up further, Justin just took a deep breath and let it out before settling back in his seat. Alana was still trying to figure out the dynamic between the three adults in this situation, so Justin’s response didn’t make much sense.

His face completely devoid of emotion, Justin said, “You’re right. Genevieve
is
your daughter.” He pushed back from the table. “I need to be going. Thank you for dinner.”

“Justin…” Beth reached out to her brother. “Marcus was just concerned.”

“It’s fine, Beth. Dan’s right. Who you choose to communicate with regarding Genevieve is your business, not mine.” When Beth and Daniel started to get to their feet, Justin waved his hand. “No need to get up. I know my way out.”

Once again, he paused long enough to give Genevieve a kiss before walking out of the kitchen. None of them said anything as they sat listening to him gather his things from the closet. The front door opened then closed with a soft thud.

For the second week in a row, Justin had left the evening early. The first time around, Alana had chalked it up to anger and disbelief. This time though, while it appeared to be fueled once again by anger, Alana got the feeling that underlying it all was hurt and confusion on Justin’s part.

Beth took a deep breath and let it out, her shoulders slumping. “I don’t know why he won’t give Marcus a chance.”

Daniel reached out and slid his hand along the back of his wife’s neck. “Might have been better not to bring Marcus up, babe. You know he’s already having a hard time dealing with all this.”

Beth shot Alana a rueful glance. “Sorry you keep getting dragged into this mess with Justin.”

“It’s okay. I know family dynamics can be a challenge at the best of times.”

“And this is definitely not that,” Beth said then sighed.

Alana bent her head then looked back up. “I know it’s really none of my business, but I think you need to give him a little more time.”

Beth tilted her head. “More time?”

“Yes. You and Daniel have known about Genevieve’s diagnosis now for a few months. Do you remember how it was when you first found out? That shock? The disbelief? The feeling of not wanting to accept—or even share—the news? Well, that’s where Justin is right now. He needs some time to catch up to where you guys are in dealing with all this. It’s obvious he loves Genevieve very deeply…perhaps as much as if she were his own daughter. This has got to be very difficult for him to go through, and he’s processing it on his own. You two had each other.”

Alana remembered how alone she’d felt when the news had come that Caden was deaf. Craig hadn’t seemed to care at all. He’d just told Alana to keep the kid away from him. She’d been trying to deal with all her emotions of the diagnosis on top of trying to still care for Caden. More than once she’d longed for someone to be there at her side to share the burden of the news. Not that Justin was likely to share that burden with anyone, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel it as deeply and keenly as Daniel and Beth had.

“I know what you’re saying is right, Alana,” Beth said as her head dipped. “The problem is I can’t go back to where he is. My own emotions are still too raw even though I’ve worked through a lot of it. I can’t allow myself to be dragged back to the anger and grief he’s going through now.”

Alana understood where Beth was coming from. Unfortunately, she had no answers for her on how to deal with the situation with Justin.

Daniel sighed. “I guess we likely made a mistake in not having him be part of all of this right from the start.”

Beth laid her hand on Daniel’s arm. “You know why we did that. I was afraid he’d just take over everything. As much as I love my brother, we are Geni’s parents. You know how he likes to take control of everything.”

“I do understand, sweetheart, but maybe if he’d heard what the doctors told us and had gone through it with us, he would have had an easier time accepting things.”

Beth shrugged, a helpless look on her face. “We can’t change that decision now.”

Alana met Daniel’s gaze when he looked at her. “I know we’ve already asked a lot of you, Alana, and really appreciate all you’ve done for us. Could we ask you for one more thing?”

Even though she knew what was coming—even though she knew she should say no—she just couldn’t. Instead, she nodded.

“What are you thinking, honey?” Beth asked as she turned to her husband.

Daniel looked down at his wife. “I think maybe Alana might be able to offer support to Justin in a way we can’t. She’s gone through this, but maybe she’s far enough away from her emotional turmoil over it that she can help Justin during this time.”

Yeah, that’s what she figured he wanted from her.

“There’s no guarantee he’d want to talk to me,” Alana felt obliged to point out.

Beth nodded. “That’s true, but I guess we won’t know until you try. Are you okay with that?”

She wasn’t, but Alana also got the feeling Justin would turn down any attempt on her part to help him, so it was really no biggie.  With that in mind, she said, “Sure, I’m willing to give him a call to see if he wants to talk.”

Even as she said the words, Alana sent up a prayer—just to be safe—that Justin would turn down her offer.

CHAPTER FOUR

How was it that two weeks in a row he managed to leave Beth’s house feeling like his emotions were wrecked? Justin felt like he was losing control of everything. Why had she insisted on telling Marcus about what was going on with Genevieve? The problems facing their family were
his
responsibility, not Marcus’s.

He let himself into his apartment and dumped his laptop bag and weapon case onto the couch before taking his duffle bag into the hallway. After jerking open the closet doors that hid the stacking washer and dryer, Justin began to dump his dirty clothes into the machine. He started the washer then went to his bedroom and found a pair of clean work-out clothes and changed into them.

Once in the second bedroom that he’d converted to a work-out space, Justin found the playlist he used while running and got it set up with the speakers. As the music pulsed through the room, he stepped onto the treadmill and set it to his usual setting and began to run. He probably should have stretched first, but right then he just needed the soothing motions of working out to help him deal with the jumble of emotions in his head.

There were two things that meant the world to him: his family and his job. And while things were fine with his job, it certainly didn’t feel that way with his family. He and Beth seemed to be at odds for the first time in…forever. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d left her angry, but that’s what had happened twice now in as many weeks. And on top of that, his efforts to find out more about the woman who’d made her way into their life had been thwarted.

Justin hit the button to push the treadmill past his usual comfort level for running. His heart rate was already elevated, but he needed to feel the burn. He needed to force his breath in and out in order to loosen the tightness of his chest. Sweat beaded on his forehead and torso and ran unchecked down his neck and back. He clenched his fists as he pumped his arms to keep up with the rhythm of his feet.

He needed to make things right with Beth and Dan. They were the only people in the world—along with Genevieve—who mattered at all to him. Without them, his life really had no purpose. From the day he’d gotten the call about the tragedy, Justin’s life had been centered on doing what he could to help Beth work through it all and to give her as normal a life as possible in spite of everything. He’d had to adjust some when Dan had come on the scene, but, strangely enough, the man had seemed to understand his need to care for Beth, and they had found themselves on common ground. They both wanted what was best for her.

But now it was Beth and Dan standing firm together while he stumbled around in quicksand trying to figure out what on earth had happened to his family.

The music dropped in volume as his ringtone trilled through the speakers. Justin hit the button to stop the treadmill and slid off, grabbing the towel he’d left on the handle and wiping his face while he still gasped for breath.

He picked up the phone from the stand and stared at the unfamiliar number a moment before answering. “Hello?”

“Justin?”

“Yes.” He tried to keep from panting, but he didn’t recover that quickly from an intense workout. “Who’s this?”

“Uh, this is Alana, Beth’s friend. Is this a bad time?”

Knowing he couldn’t carry on a conversation while breathing so hard, Justin said, “Let me call you back in a minute.”

Not wanting to stand there breathing heavily in her ear like some perverted caller, he ended the call without waiting for her response. Justin draped the towel over his shoulders then opened the French doors leading to the large balcony that looked out over the Twin Cities. The fresh air that greeted him helped to cool his heated skin. He took several deep breaths in an attempt to slow his heart rate and breathing

When his heart no longer pounded and his breaths didn’t come in pants, Justin pressed the button on his screen to call Alana back. When she hadn’t answered after two rings, Justin wondered if she’d decided she didn’t want to talk to him since he’d ended their call so abruptly.

After the third ring, he heard her soft greeting. “Hello?”

“Hi, Alana. It’s Justin. I’m sorry about earlier. What can I do for you?”

There was silence for a couple of seconds before she said, “I’m hoping it might be more what I can do for you.”

“For me?” Justin lifted the edge of the towel to wipe any remaining moisture from his face.

“After you left earlier, Beth and Daniel realized that maybe things could have been handled differently.”

“What things?” Justin walked to the railing that ran along the outside edge of the balcony. He gripped the metal in one hand.

“I think they both realize now that maybe they should have told you about Genevieve’s diagnosis sooner.”

“You think?” As soon as he said the words, Justin let out a harsh breath. “I’m sorry. I know you had no part in the decisions they made back then.”

“No, I wasn’t part of that nor did I realize the closeness of the relationship between you and Genevieve or I would have suggested they let you know when they told me.”

So far, nothing she said actually made him feel any better about the situation. “There’s nothing we can do now. Decisions made can’t be undone.”

“Yes, that’s true. And Beth and Daniel know that as well.”

“So why did they have you call me?” The urge to get back on the treadmill or lift some weights slowly crept over him again.

“Though they understand where you are coming from and how you feel about Genevieve’s diagnosis, they—Beth especially—is struggling to let herself feel those emotions again with you. The impact of them is still too close.” She paused, and he heard her take a quick breath. “In a way, the news of Genevieve’s hearing loss was a bit like a death.”

“A death?” Justin stepped back into his apartment and shut the doors.

“They had dreams of a future that their little girl would have—something I’m sure you also had for her—and now the dreams are gone. They had to grieve the loss of that as well as the type of relationship they had envisioned having with her. They experienced the stages of grief, although to a lesser degree than what they would have with an actual death. But they did deal with the denial, guilt, anger and such. They’re in a place where they’re accepting what has happened and are trying to make adjustments for a different future than they planned. I think Beth is scared to go back to the denial and anger stages that you’re likely experiencing.”

Justin’s chest tightened. He knew all about the stages of grief. Though he hadn’t wanted to, he’d sat through counseling sessions with Beth after the death of their whole family. Was that really what he was going through once again? “Are you a shrink or something?”

“No, I’m not. I’m just someone who has been through what you, Beth and Daniel are dealing with.”

“Did your son lose his hearing like Genevieve?” Justin asked as he walked toward the kitchen. He pulled open the fridge and stared at its empty interior. Well, not quite empty. There was an egg carton—holding how many eggs, he had no idea—and a couple bottles of water. He grabbed one of them and quickly twisted the lid off.

“No. Caden was born deaf.”

“So do you know what caused his hearing loss?” Justin swallowed half the bottle as he waited for Alana to reply.

“It was genetic. Apparently both his father and I carry a gene for it.”

Justin wanted to ask where the boy’s father was now, still curious about the reason for the name change, but he sensed that this conversation needed to stay centered on the current situation. “So you don’t think you’ll have the same problem as Beth?”

“No. I’m far enough removed from all of those feelings that I don’t get caught up in them like Beth might. Other things might trigger my emotions, but not helping someone else come to grips with the diagnosis of permanent hearing loss.”

“And you think you’d be able to help me?” Justin sat down on a chair at the kitchen table and ran a hand through his damp hair.

“Maybe. I can answer questions you might have about adapting to life with hearing loss. Over the years, I’ve met people of all ages who are deaf, and I can share their stories with you. It might help you to understand that life isn’t over for Genevieve. She can live a full and happy life even with hearing loss.”

Justin sincerely doubted she’d be able to do that for him. If the psychologists couldn’t help him after his family’s death, there was no way this woman would be able to either. However, he saw in her offer the opportunity to find out more about Alana and the secrets she hid. He had to make sure that whatever was in her past wouldn’t end up hurting his family.

And all the better that the suggestion came from her and Beth. He’d been trying to figure out the best way to draw her out but knew it wouldn’t be easy to ask her questions without raising red flags. Thankfully, she was offering of her own accord to talk about her experiences, opening the door to questions about her past. He might not be able to do anything about Genevieve’s diagnosis, but he could make sure Beth and Daniel were not taken advantage of in the midst of it all.

“Maybe it would be helpful to hear about things like that,” Justin said, trying not to seem too eager. When there was silence on the other end of the line, he realized that in all likelihood she’d assumed he’d decline her offer. He could still picture the fear in her eyes on the two occasions he’d interacted with her. “When would be a good time for you?”

“Uh… Maybe Saturday afternoon? Caden is going to a friend’s house for a couple of hours.”

“Should I come by your place?”

“No.” There was no hesitation before she responded that time, and the trace of alarm in her tone had Justin making a mental note to find out where she lived.

“Why don’t you decide where to meet and then let me know,” Justin suggested.

“Okay.” Her voice was more subdued now. “I’ll let you know by Friday.”

“Sounds good.” When she didn’t reply, he added. “Guess I’ll see you on Saturday.”

After she’d said goodbye and hung up, Justin sat staring at his phone for a bit. In truth, he wouldn’t have minded having someone to talk to about this. The problem was that he wasn’t close to anyone but Beth and Dan. Of the guys at work, he was probably closest to Than and Trent, but not close enough to be able to spill his guts about what was going on. Still, he wouldn’t be spilling his guts to Alana Jensen either. He just wanted to get her comfortable enough to spill hers.

~*~*~

Well, that certainly hadn’t gone as planned. Alana tossed her phone onto the daybed and paced over to the kitchen. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and shoved it under the tap, cranking the handle to start the flow. As water filled it, she replayed the conversation she’d just had with Justin. She was usually so good at reading people. According to everything she’d seen of Justin, the idea of talking over his feelings should have sent him running in the opposite direction. But the reverse had happened, and now she had to meet with him face to face.

Not at all what she’d planned. She sat down at their small dining table and propped her elbows on it. Squeezing her eyes shut, Alana tried to ignore the growing ache in her head. She still had work to do after putting Caden to bed. Thankfully, he’d been happy to play some games on his tablet while she’d called Justin.

With a sigh, she pushed back from the table and went to the tiny bedroom of their one bedroom apartment and sat down on the mattress next to Caden. When he looked over at her, she signed that it was almost bedtime. His brows drew together, and he gave a quick shake of his head before pleading his case for staying up...again.

Not in the mood to argue, Alana let him know he had thirty more minutes and then it was bedtime. Though she had things to do, she curled up next to him on the mattress and watched him as he played his game. It was one of two luxuries she’d brought with them from their old life. The other was her laptop that she knew she’d need in order to support them. She just hoped that neither of them stopped working anytime soon.

She looked around the sparsely furnished room and couldn’t help remembering the home they’d come from. Caden had been just five years old when they’d left, but she was certain he must have memories of Florida even though he never spoke of their home there. The spacious and beautifully decorated rooms. The toys his father had allowed her to buy for him. The swimming pool where he learned to swim.