Simple Man (27 page)

“…Shane? Shane?” Kate’s voice barely registered, but he heard her concern.

People began to crowd him. She snapped, “Just give him some room, will you!”

Everyone backed up and she filled his line of vision, her expression pained. “Shane, listen to me. We’ll appeal. We’ll do everything we can.”

“We lost,” he breathed.

“Nothing’s final yet.”

A woman came to stand next to Will who waited to their right. She looked like she might be his mother. She held a knitted baby blanket in her arms. Shane couldn’t move.

Kate whispered in his ear. “I’m so sorry.”

He held Logan, who knew nothing about what was happening. Shane’s stomach felt like it was flayed wide, his guts on the floor. He drew Logan to his shoulder and hugged him as tightly as possible without hurting him. His little arms squeezed him back and he cooed.

A cold, dead like feeling settled over Shane. He had flashes of things that made absolutely no sense running through his mind. Noel. Trains. Speeding cars. Hollowed graves. Bottles of drain cleaner. His friends dressed and waiting for him the day of the funeral outside of his trailer. Tabitha handing him a card. Joanne explaining his sister had a son. Duce gagging over the smell of a dirty diaper.

Kate the first time he saw her, all prim and proper in her buttoned up cardigan. The first time he saw Logan smile. The first time he saw him roll over. The first time he got sick. The many nights he held him, simply staring at his angelic face in awe. Making love to Kate. Playing with Logan in the lake. Giving him a bath. Doing the Bill Cosby.

It all flashed through his mind in the blink of an eye and when he looked forward he realized he was here and there was no escaping the horrible moment. He pressed his face into Logan’s pudgy cheek and breathed in his smell. There was nothing better than that smell.

He looked into his curious eyes, which had faded from baby blue to brown, just like his own. “I love you, little man.” He kissed his nose.

Somehow the weight of Logan disappeared from his arms, a heavy, hollow ache in its place. He watched as the woman with the blanket cradled him to her chest. Logan looked at him, wonder in his little brown eyes.

Will leaned over and said something to Logan. They turned and began to walk away.
That’s my son!

Shane stepped forward, going after them, when something pulled at his sleeve.

 
“Shane, no.”

He turned and saw Kate. Tears shimmered in her eyes.

“They’re taking him,” he said, dumbly.

“Only for a little while,” she whispered.

He looked back and they were gone. He began to hyperventilate. Nothing had ever hurt like this—not his parents’ deaths, not losing his sister. Nothing. He bent, holding his knees, and dry heaved. The ground came up at him as his eyes blurred. He wiped at his eyes and stood, angrily, storming out of the courthouse.

Kate somehow managed to get him into her car and drove him home. He walked into his trailer and the first thing he saw was Logan’s swing. He turned around and walked out.

Kate watched him as he kicked the gravel. He walked to the trashcan at the edge of his property and kicked it. It fell and all the garbage came spilling onto the sandy ground.

“Fuck!”
he screamed. Birds scattered from a tree up above.

“Do you want me to call someone?” she asked.

“Who? Who the fuck are you going to call, Kate? They took him!”

She burst into tears. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make this easier for you. It’s killing me, seeing you like this. Please don’t yell at me.”

He should apologize, but he couldn’t even think. He looked at her, crying by his front door, and turned. He needed to get out of there.

Shane walked without paying attention to where he was going. He didn’t care. He walked to the very end of Sunny Acres and then walked some more. His feet hurt and he was sweating and parched, but he continued.

His phone rang a few times, but he shut it off. When he returned to his trailer it was dark. Kate was gone and he was alone.

He hesitated at the door, knowing the moment he stepped inside signs of Logan would be everywhere. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the threshold.

He marched straight to the cabinet and pulled down the bottle of Wild Turkey that had been collecting dust over the past few months. He brought it to his lips and took a long swig. The alcohol burned a trail to his belly and he drank some more. When that bottle was empty he grabbed another.

Once he drank enough that his thoughts no longer made sense, he grabbed a trash bag and began filling it with rattles, toys, books, and baby clothes. He filled two tall bags and shoved them in his closet.

When he went into his room he saw the crib with its
ROCK STAR
bedding. He pulled the sheet off his bed and draped it over the crib then went to find another bottle.

He had no idea what he was drinking or what time it was. At some point he woke up to puke, barely making it to the bathroom. When he finished vomiting, he crawled back out to the kitchen and chugged a beer, wishing it were drain cleaner.

He sat on his kitchen floor, his back against the cabinets, and stared at the ground. That was where he finally passed out.

Chapter Eighteen

When Shane woke up he was disoriented. His head felt like someone parked a Mac Truck between his eyes. He slithered to the shower and stood, as best he could, under the water.

When he came out, he barely dried off before collapsing into bed and falling back to sleep. The next time he opened his eyes it was after five. He dialed Duce and told him to come over and bring something to drink.

Duce showed up with the guys and they began doing shots of Jack the moment they arrived. It wasn’t long before the room was spinning like a Tilt-a-Whirl and Shane came to terms with not driving his car full speed into a tree.

Music blared and voices shouted throughout his trailer. At some point Lisa showed up with some friends, including Sue and Tammy. Sims stuck with Sue like a rash, but even wasted, Shane could see she was no longer interested in the guy. Tammy tried to talk to Shane, but he didn’t feel much like talking.

He wanted to drink himself into oblivion. His friends were merely a precautionary measure so he didn’t do anything overly stupid. At some point Tucker pulled out a bag of weed and a bunch of them sat at his kitchen table passing a joint. Shane sat that one out. Pretty sure with all the alcohol filling his system smoking would only give him a coronary.

The trailer existed under a thick smog of dirty air. Everyone was laughing. He tried to smile at all the appropriate times, but felt nothing inside. The music, which was blaring suddenly cut off and everyone got quiet.

Shane opened his eyes and saw why—Kate stood at the stereo, scowling. Oh, pretty Kate. She was so good.

“Shane, what the hell’s going on?” she hissed.

She wore a shirt that said
Save Ferris.
“I like your shirt.”

She shook her head. She wasn’t amused.

“Hey,” he yelled, trying to hoist himself off his couch. “Do you guys know that Kate has a tattoo of a gremlin?” The others acted interested, but Kate looked furious.

“Can I talk to you? Outside?”

God. Déjà vu. Noel, standing in that very spot, saying those very words, shimmered in his memory. He laughed, even though it wasn’t funny. “What’s up?”

“Outside. Now.”

She turned and marched through the door, which slammed behind her. She had a great ass. “Hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave,” he grumbled as he stumbled to his feet.

He tripped out the front door and saw her standing by his car. Kate did nice things, like bring his car back when he left it places. He clumsily walked up to her and hugged her.

She stiffened and pushed him away. He pulled her back and kissed her, jamming his tongue in her mouth until she shoved his face hard.

“What is wrong with you?”

He glowered at her, disliking the sharp sting of her open rejection. “Nothing. What’s wrong with you?”

“You stink.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Shane, what are you doing? Do you think acting like this is solving anything?”

Anger made him turn away. What could he say? His head wasn’t thinking clearly. She was smarter than him and he had nothing intelligent to bring to the table. He walked to the trailer and pushed against the siding. “Why are you here?”

“Because I’m worried about you?”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you?”

He laughed and spit in the sand. “You’re supposed to be smart, Kate. When are you going to get it? I. Am. A.
Loser.
”

“You’re sure acting like one now.”

He pivoted and nearly fell. Catching his balance, he scowled at her. “Don’t be like that. You’re not a bitch.”

“And you’re not a loser so stop acting like you are.”

“Really? I don’t have a job. I live in a trailer. I’m on fucking food stamps. And I just lost the only person, aside from you, that I care about in the whole world. It won’t be long before you wise up and leave me too. Yeah, I sure sound like a winner.”

She marched up to him and jerked a fistful of his shirt. He looked down at her. It was like being attacked by an elf, which was kind of funny.

“You listen to me, Shane Martin, the only way I’m leaving you is if you push me away. Now stop acting like an idiot and grow up!”

“I am grown up!”

“No, you’re being a child right now! If you’re unhappy with your life, do something about it. Don’t sit here and drink your liver away, waiting for situations to fix themselves, because it’s not going to happen.”

“What do you know? You have
everything
!”

She got in his face. “Do you think those things were just given to me? I worked my ass off for everything I have—”

“And I didn’t? I sweat my ass off pouring concrete in a hundred degree weather. I bust my balls trying to make extra money playing guitar when I can. I’ve been struggling to make ends meet since I was seventeen fucking years old and God decided to pull the rug out from under me! I follow the rules. I play the game, but no matter what I end up getting fucked! I didn’t have the opportunities in front of me that you did, so excuse me if I don’t see us as equals.”

She shook her head. “You may not have had the same opportunities as me, but don’t act like this is your only option. You have yourself so pegged as this lower class bum, because you’re afraid if you try to be anything more, you’ll fail. It’s a shitty self-fulfilling prophecy and if you think that way, you’ve already lost.”

His lips tightened and he was breathing rapidly. “You don’t know what it feels like to be me.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But I could say the same thing about you.” She put her hands on her hips and looked down, taking a deep breath, as if collecting her thoughts.

“I’ve watched you, for months, go against all odds and do something most men could never do. You sit here and claim to be this simple man. Well, I don’t see a simple thing about you. As a matter of fact, you’re so complicated, that’s why I was afraid of getting too close. I knew, the minute I let you in, I’d fall for you. Shane, I love you, but this,” she waved her hand in front of him. “This is not the man I love.”

He looked down. “Don’t love me, Kate.”

Her hands cupped his jaw. He fought her hold, too ashamed to meet her gaze. She turned his face until he finally looked at her. “Too late.”

It was too much. Everything finally collapsed inside of him and he broke. Shutting his eyes tight, he fought the tears, but it was a losing battle. “I’m dying inside.”

She wrapped her arms around him. “I know.”

He hugged her tight, probably tighter than she could take, but she let him. He wept into her shoulder. He hadn’t cried actual tears since he was a child. Not when Noel died. Not when his parents died. But he cried now.

“I miss him so much.” Her hands ran over his hair. He fell to his knees and she fell with him, never letting him go. “I’m so scared that now that he’s gone I’ll lose you too and have no one.”

“I’m right here.”

“Please don’t leave me. I need you. You and Logan, you’re everything.”

Her lips pressed into his temple. “I’m not going anywhere. But Shane, you can’t do this. You’re better than this.”

He wiped his eyes. He was mortified to be crying. “You’re the only one who believes in me.”

She pulled back and gripped the sides of his face, forcing him to meet her gaze. “Everyone in there believes in you, Shane. You are not a loser. The only person who doesn’t believe in you is
you
. When are you going to see yourself the way everyone else does?”

“I let everyone down. I let Logan down. I let Noel down. There will be plenty of times I’ll let you down. You’ll see.”

“And there’ll be times I’ll let you down. Nobody’s perfect. That’s why we need others to help us through.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“Nothing’s ever been this hard.”

“No one said it would be easy.”

He sat on the sandy ground and she sat across from him. “I can’t even bring myself to look at his stuff. I had to bag it all up and put a sheet over his crib.”

“You know you could go visit him. I could petition the court for visitation.”

“I’m just afraid. Leaving him is…”

“I know, but don’t you think Logan misses you too?”

He started to cry again and she hugged him. When he finally calmed down she said, “I want you to go inside—”

“I don’t want to see them.”

“Just go in and walk right into your room and shut the door. I’ll take care of them. I’ll meet you in there.”

He stood and spent a few minutes searching for the thinnest veneer of composure. Once he found it, he walked inside and crept quietly past the others who barely noticed him. He shut the door, stifling the music and laughter.

The stereo cut off. He heard Kate, but couldn’t make out what she was saying. A few minutes later he heard everyone leaving and soon his bedroom door opened and she stepped in.