Singing Heart (12 page)

Totally unprepared for the harsh realities of survival the adoring couple had progressively begun shredding each other to pieces. His fault, her fault. Janice Cavendar heavy with child complained incessantly to anyone within ear shot about how miserable she was, solely blamed her husband for the nightmare they were enduring. It looked as if she were about to relieve herself of part of that burden.

Shauna had reigned in the wagon team. Xzan climbed up to gather things she knew the greenhorns wouldn’t have had the foresight to bring. Frank Cavendar looked as white as a sheet by the time the women in wagon train arrived to help his wife. They milled around offering sound experience. But when the soon to be mother started gushing blood, it was Shauna and Xzan who took over.

They worked on the young woman for nearly an hour. The bleeding wouldn’t stop. When the baby still hadn’t come despite Janice’s weak attempts to push it into the world Shauna told Xzan to sterilize a knife by burning it. When the blond stopped breathing Shauna didn’t even hesitate. She slit the woman’s abdomen open and pulled out the blue baby. It was half-dead. She turned the infant upside down and spanked its bottom vigorously. The grieving father had to be restrained after witnessing his wife’s mutilation and now what he defined as abuse to his child.

Horrified he threatened them both blaming them for Janice’s death. Shauna ignored all his remarks working diligently to keep the baby alive. Rubbing it’s back now that it had breathed to get the mucus out of its lung. It kept on strangling on it. It was just barely alive. It’s heart beat faintly in the tiny chest. A boy. Xzan wondered how long he would survive without his mother’s milk.

She helped clean the boy. He felt minute, helpless in her hands. Someone had boiled water and cooled it so she could bathe the child. She had never held one this teeny. Mammy had always assisted Mama with her newborns. Holding the baby made her ache for her own. How ironic. Xzan had been forced to let her milk dry up with no child to suckle and here was one with no mother to nourish it. She handed the clean bundled baby to his father. Frank looked at his son in bewilderment. He had finally calmed down enough to realize that what had happened to his wife was beyond anyone’s control. This life was his creation and now totally his responsibility. He looked at the women in confusion.

“
What do I do with it? Janice was supposed to take care of it. I don’t know anything about babies.”

“
Well it appears your going to learn.” Shauna piped up matter of factually. “You can do anything your wife could have done, except nurse. We’ll have to find a way for you to do that too.”

Sean found a bottle. They tied a butter cloth around the neck securing it with water inside. The infant tried to suck. Did for a moment. Then he let out an angry roar. They tried goat’s milk. Cream. Cow’s milk. Nothing they did satisfied the little boy’s hunger. In desperation Xzan tried to remember a formula her mother had concocted when the twins were nursing and she couldn’t produce enough milk to appease them both.

Milk, sugar, water, herbs, rice boiled and strained through a cheesecloth. The baby drank greedily. He burped loudly with little coercion and fell into a deep sleep that only babies can achieve. Everyone laughed in relief. The tension lifted. Making their way back to their own wagons they decided to set up camp for the night. Xzan lingered holding the baby while Frank Cavendar sat sobbing over his wife’s inanimate body. She didn’t interrupt his private moment. The men would come soon to help him bury Janice. He would have to deal with trying to make it to Sweetbriar and dealing with his newborn son’s needs.

Xzan couldn’t tear herself away from the baby. She had never gotten to hold her daughter and somehow this seemed like a form of closure. She had up until today been able to quell this need inside. Her eyes misted. Frank crying softly noticed her tears. He assumed she felt sorry for the baby who had lost its mother.

“
She would have made a wonderful mother. You didn’t know her before we came west.” He choked.

“
I’m sure she would have.” Xzan agreed. “What will you name him?”

“
Janice wanted him named after myself and her father. We fought about that too.” Gaunt shoulders sagged defeatedly.

“
Was it that bad?”

“
Franklin Carver Cavendar.”

Xzan nodded approvingly. “It’s dignified. You could always call him Frankie.”

He grimaced. “I hated that name as a child. I swore I’d never saddle my son with it.”

“
Well he’s your baby, Frank. I’m sure you would have liked to have made Janice happy but she won’t know the difference now. What do you want to name your son?”

“
Cody,” he sniffed loudly. “Cody Cavendar.”

She looked down at the angelic baby. “Hi Cody. Happy birthday!”

She handed the infant to his father who turned deathly pale as he took the tiny creature in his giant hands.

“
Don’t be afraid of him. He’s more resilient than he looks. He’s your son. He needs you. You’ll need help and we’ll all pitch in to do what we can. Right now you need to get to know each other.”

They buried Janice Cavendar as they had buried so many others along the trail the past few months saying a short prayer and their good-byes. Xzan didn’t particularly like the woman but she had felt for her. For the first time since her departure from England she thought about her own child, nearly dying in childbirth, and how far she was from those she loved. In the days that followed everyone took turns helping the new father with his offspring. Showing him how to diaper the baby and mix formula to feed him and burp him. Cody slept peacefully as long as the wagon was moving. Of course when they stopped for the night the baby woke up ready to be cared for. The exhausted father was near tears every time she saw him.

Everyone was at a breaking point. Tempers flared. People dropped like flies from illnesses. The unseasonable snow began to slow them down even further than expected. She trudged along, trying to take it one step at a time. Refusing to think about how long the days were, and cold the nights became. They would be home soon. Just the thought of that kept her going. Gave her the courage to keep moving forward. They were on the last lag of the journey.

******

“
Mrs. Colby, Ma says it’s time for us to move out.”

Xzan stirred sleepily, smiling up at the boy sweetly.

“
Alright”.

His admiration for her had grown by leaps and bounds the past few weeks. She was so extraordinary. She never complained even when she had a right to do so. Did more than her fair share singing as she worked in that clear soprano. Xzan took the time no matter how grueling the day had been to tell stories to the children around the campfire. Now including Cody Cavendar in that circle cradling the wee baby against her bosom as if he were her own child.

Everyone liked her. The men because she never hesitated to pitch in, even with the dirtiest work. The women because she didn’t flirt with their men. Taking on any job they needed done whether it was watering the horses, gathering kindling, or changing a nasty diaper. She treated the children with the same respect as she showed the adults. Listened with genuine interest to what they had to say. Praised them for their imagination and accomplishments no matter how insignificant they might actually be. She always had a song or a toy for them to play with made of something she picked up on the trail. A feather or twisted blade of grass.

She helped with his family’s washing, carrying heavy pails of water, chopping wood, milking the cows, brushing the horses, cooking meals, cleaning the dishes, mending the never ending pile of torn or worn out clothing. She drove the wagon with her back straight as a board when every muscle in her body must have screamed in exhaustion. Last night she had been up half the night relieving his parents bathing Lorena’s fever. Now she unresistingly opened her eyes ready to rise after only a few hours sleep. Sean handed her a cup of coffee. He always told her ‘Mama’ made it for her. They both knew it was something he did himself.

Xzan’s eyes were an unusually bright blue this morning. He’s never seen them that color before. In fact you could tell a lot about her moods from the ever-changing hues. When she was angry, hurt, scared, they turned almost purple. Especially when she gazed at the land around them. Other times they were tinged by gray or green or a vivid blue that pierced your heart. Something wasn’t right. Her face was flushed. She shivered as she sipped the hot liquid, wrapping her quilt more securely around her lithe form.

“
You don’t look so good.” He observed worriedly.

She wrinkled an elegant nose wryly.

“
I just woke up. I never claimed to be sleeping beauty.”

Sassy as ever he thought to himself grinning at her. Still she looked peaked. Not just tired. Originally when they had begun the trip out west she and the younger children had huddled together under the wagon too tired to care about the hard ground. It was bitterly cold now. Chilling winds had picked up. Days were as cold as the nights. Richard and Lorena slept in the wagon with their parents. Sean had been aware of her teeth chattering when she collapsed on her bedroll near dawn. He had slipped quietly beside her warming her with his body while covering her with his blankets and staying awake to make sure no one would see him. When he’d heard Mama dressing he slipped silently back into his own bedroll pretending to be asleep. Xzan had never stirred at all.

He watched her sip the rapidly cooling coffee thirstily looking dazed and far away. She hadn’t slept long enough. Had dreamed of being in her mother’s arms warm, petted and so loved. She’d woke up yearning for her family. Xzan lectured herself sternly. She was a full-grown woman now. It was time to face her responsibilities not to feel sorry for herself. Rising dizzily she handed the metal cup back to Sean thanking him gratefully when the earth suddenly swayed under her feet. Blackness obscured her vision. She heard him calling her name in the distance as she slid to the ground.

The next time she awoke Xzan felt chilled to the bone. The pressure on her chest was so heavy she imagined being crushed. Quilt after quilt was piled on top of her. She vaguely realized she was in the wagon and it was moving. Sean was kneeling beside her worry creasing his brows. His big hand squeezed her reassuringly when he saw her eyes flutter open.

“
How do you feel?”

She opened her lips to speak but her voice was raspy and her throat was swollen miserably.

“
Like someone hit me with a frying pan.” she joked weakly, before succumbing once more to oblivion.

Sean replaced the wet rag on her forehead. God she was burning up. Lorena’s fever had finally broke. The little girl was lying beside Xzan sucking her thumb, staring dreamily at nothing in particular.

“
I think she’s worse Mama. Hotter! Should I try to get her to drink some water?”

“
Wait for awhile. Let her rest. Sometimes sleeping helps the body recover faster than any other medicine. You try to rest too. We’re going to be too exhausted by nightfall to nurse her. You’re going to have to take care of her.”

Sean stretched out obediently careful to keep as much room as possible between himself and Xzan as was decently possible in the cramped space. The intense cold and fear of losing her kept him from doing more than lightly dozing. She looked so fragile lying there. It broke his heart. In recent months he’s seen much stronger men and women surrender to the elements. She’d overworked herself. Ran on self-will for some time now. He swore that if she lived he would never allow her to work that hard again.

*****

He was there as he’d always been when she needed him. Face upwards to the sky, eyes closed. Sitting cross-legged a furry blanket wrapped around his body to stave off the winter chill. His hands were palms out relaxed on his knees. He seemed to be praying, but she couldn’t fathom the words. She came up beside him reaching out to trail her slim fingers across the wolf’s head. Tracing the coarse nose she tentatively touched it’s bared teeth sliding downward to feel the smoothness of the man’s forehead. She closed her eyes memorizing the planes of his facial flesh. His skin was hot, moist. Nose long and straight. A proud nose. His cheekbones were high and prominent. His voice was deep, melodic.

A tingling began in the tips of her fingers. The vibrations grew. She couldn’t pull away. A surge of energy as shattering as a lightening bolt threw her away from him. Stunned she lay panting at his feet incapable of movement. He opened his eyes. It was the first time she’d seen their color in all these years. Silver eyes. He never looked away, held her startled gaze penetrating inside to her very soul. Tenderly he gathered her in his arms. Laying her gently in his lap he wrapped the earthy smelling blanket around her petite frame. The heat of their bodies grew until they were on fire. She couldn’t move. Too weak to cry out her face contorted in pain. He threw his head back howling in anguish. Their bodies began to cool. He slumped forward still holding her his arms emasculated, resting his chin on top of her hair. They lay on the cold ground for an eternity. Both slept.

*****

“
Mama!” Sean’s voice boomed excitedly. “Her fever broke! She’s awake!”

Shauna Fenierre smiled in relief. It had been touch and go for three days now. At times Xzan’s breathing had been so shallow they weren’t sure she would live another hour. She was happy for her son as well. He had just turned fourteen. Had grown up a lot during this journey. He was in love. Love at first sight if she was any judge of his behavior. Since he’d met the bewitching Xzan Colby aboard ship Sean had artlessly worshiped the ground she walked on. Out in the prairie where women were scarce and survival forced people to band together, a few years age difference didn’t seem that important.