Sizzle (26 page)

“My sister will take care of you,” is what I say.

“What about you, Alex? Who will take care of you?”

I run my fingers through her hair and refuse to think about the rest of my life. “Be happy, Celina.”

She pulls away. Her eyes are red from crying and her hair is wild. I lock this image of her into my brain and hope it will come back from time to time. Even with the hurt and heartache, her love shines.

She turns her head and lifts up until her lips join mine.

“I love you,” she whispers again.

I close my eyes and let her go. She moves away from the bed and I keep them closed until I hear the click of the door. My bedroom is empty without her, my life emptier.

I will live this hell to keep the people I love safe.

Two months later…

Celina

THE KIDS ARE PLAYING
in the backyard on the swing set. My mother and I now have a house of our own, but right now, I’m sitting in Theresa’s kitchen enjoying hot tea. It’s September and Oregon is feeling a touch of autumn. Theresa assures me it will warm up a bit before the weather completely changes. It’s different here. Four seasons to the two we get in the desert. I’ll adjust, or at least I will if I ever warm up.

I’ve grown to love Theresa and her husband, Salvador. Also their two children, Daniella and Emilio. The children have been wonderful for Kiley. She’s still quiet, but her smiles and laughter come much easier. My mom bought her a tiny black and white kitten. Kitsy Kitsy sleeps with Kiley each night and the two of them are practically inseparable. When Kiley can’t take the cat with her, she brings her doll Mary. I’ve told her about Dax and I make sure she knows that Dax cares about her and that he’s the reason she’s in our lives.

Kiley is still shy around me. Two months and I still can’t breach that barrier. My mom replaced Gabriella as Kiley’s surrogate mother. The truth is—my mother is more Kiley’s mom than I am. I accept it. More than anything, I want Kiley happy and safe. She’s also given my mother a reason to live. The loss of my father hit her hard, and Kiley is now her world.

Theresa breaks into my daydreaming. “So how are you really?”

By
really
she means me and Alex. I lift the cup to my lips and take a sip to give myself time. “It’s not getting easier. I miss him.”

“I miss him too. I think he’s the most stubborn man alive.”

I give a small huff of laughter. “He is. No doubt about it.” I need to change the subject so I don’t bawl like a baby. I do enough of that alone in my room each night. “I’ve been checking out college courses and I’ve decided to return to school.”

Theresa claps her hands like a teenager, which makes me grin again. “That’s perfect. Are you going after your master’s?”

“No, I’m considering an entirely new career. I refuse to live off Alex’s money forever.” Theresa’s smile disappears. “Don’t get me wrong,” I assure her, “I appreciate everything he’s done. It just doesn’t feel right and I need something to do with my life.”

“I understand. We’ve been putting the money Alex sends into accounts for the children. They have college paid for and they will have a tidy nest egg when they graduate. Salvador is making good money with his carpentry now. Alex helped him get where he is today and we will be forever grateful. What Alex doesn’t understand is that I would take him back over the money any day.” She loves her brother so much. “I think he’s right, though. His world is too dangerous for children.”

She knows the entire story just as my mother does. Neither condemned me for selling my body. I should have told my mother the truth from the beginning. I didn’t make the same mistake with Theresa. She and Salvador took us in and deserved honesty. She taps her fingers on the table top. “Let’s change the subject. Have you thought about preschool for Kiley?”

I inhale in relief. I don’t enjoy discussing Alex and especially not the money. “Until my head aches. I’m so worried she isn’t ready.”

Theresa shakes her head. “She can handle two hours a day three days a week. I think you’re too protective. She needs to interact with children her age and be normal.”

Theresa is a good mother; I am not. “I know you’re right and my mom agrees with you. I just keep thinking if I give her more time, she’ll bond with me. I’m selfish, really.”

Theresa’s expression changes and I know she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. “Go ahead. I’m a big girl, you can say it,” I tell her.

“You try too hard. Children sense this.”

She’s right, I do. I struggle to talk to Kiley and everyone around makes it seem so easy. “I’ll try hard not to try.” I smile to take the sting out of the words.

“Of course you will. That baby will always know that you saved her. She will never forget.”

If I could change anything, it would be that she forgets her past completely. I worry that she associates me with her life before. I offer another smile. “I think preschool for Kiley and college for me will be a good thing.”

“I think you’re right.”

Alex

“
THE HEAVY BAG WON’T
survive,” Moon chides as I try to demolish it with my bare fists. It has tears covered by duct tape and when I’m finished, even duct tape might not help it.

“I think you can afford a new bag,” I grumble. Sweat drips off my face and shoulders as I strike again.

“Does it help?”

Moon’s asking about Celina. I’ve never told him about the flashing images. Madison asks about Celina all the time. I get sad puppy dog eyes from Mad constantly. I strike the bag again; I’m not happy that Moon is bringing it up this time. “Truthfully, it doesn’t fucking help. I can’t beat this damn bag enough to erase her from my mind. And, I’m getting too damn old, and the fucking bullet wounds still ache.” I’m hoping Moon laughs, but I don’t get that fucking lucky. Instead, he opens the door that should stay closed.

“Does the killing bother you, Alex?”

I stop hitting the bag and turn. I’m angry. “Does it bother you?” I throw back.

He doesn’t look away. “Every life we take bothers me.”

The pain of each life is in his eyes. Maybe it’s always been there but I’m too selfish in my own pain to see it. I want to rage and kick things. I rest my forehead against the bag and take deep steady breaths. “Then why do we do it?” I ask without looking at him.

“Because sometimes we have no choice.”

He’s right, we don’t. Now I look at him. “It bothers me. I’ve turned into the monster we fought against in the beginning.”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t agree. We both know that patting someone on the head and telling them not to deal to kids or cut the drugs with drain cleaner isn’t going to make a statement. We keep the monsters in check, Alex. As long as it bothers us, we aren’t the monsters.”

His words don’t help. The images would stop if I wasn’t a monster. I’ve convinced myself that I was a different person with Celina and that’s why they went away.

Four months later…

Alex

THE MEETING WITH DAX
went as well as can be expected. His men don’t trust us. I trust Dax and not them, so I understand. The terms we settled on will benefit us all. I didn’t think Dax could pull his club out of the meth trade, but it looks like he’s done it. We are investing heavily in medical marijuana farms here in Arizona. Dax is joining us. It will be legal for everyone in the next few years and not just those with a prescription. The suppliers involved in the medical end will have a head start when that happens. Madison is a big reason that we’re slowing down our illegal drug operation.

She’s changed us all.

I’ve never asked Dax what became of Kiley’s mom. I looked around the clubhouse today and didn’t see anyone who resembled a grownup version of Kiley. I never knew the woman’s name. Why the hell should I expect some meth-head woman to actually look like Kiley is beyond me, but I had to look.

My sister informed me by telephone that Kiley was adopted quietly by Mrs. Thomas. I didn’t ask Theresa why Celina didn’t adopt her. It’s none of my business and I would think by now, those damned blue eyes of Celina’s would stop haunting me.

I’m fully recovered from the gunshot wounds. Moon’s syndicate has been running smoothly and there’s been no one to kill in months. The images only come at night or early in the morning when I’m waking up. I’m back to normal, or at least as normal as I can be. For the first time in a long time, my head is mostly screwed on straight.

So why do I feel like I’m barely surviving each day?

I park the Caddy in the garage, enter the house, and head to the security room to check in.

“Hey, boss,” Cal says. He has a huge grin on his face.

It’s obvious that something’s up. “Did Gabriella chase Two-dogs with a broom again?” We still have the tape and replay it often. Two-dogs swiped a steak off the counter and Gabriella chased him throughout the house yelling every Spanish curse word in the book. Even I learned a few new ones.

“No, boss, you have company.”

I never have company. I give him my fiercest
don’t fuck with me
look.

“She’s in your apartment.”

I think my heart stops. There is only one person they would allow into my apartment.

“She wasn’t leaving without speaking to you,” Cal adds.

I didn’t see a vehicle parked out front. “How did she get here?”

“Cab.”

I close the security room door behind me without saying another word. Why the fuck is Celina here? I stride to my apartment and throw open the door. Not only is she here, but so is her luggage. Two bags sit against the wall beside the door. She stands from the couch without moving closer.

I look at the luggage again before sweeping my eyes over her. She’s dressed casually. Her hair’s a little shorter. She may be a little thinner and I don’t like it. Hell, she’s beautiful and I don’t like that either. She shouldn’t be here.

“Are you going to say anything?” she asks softly.

A few seconds later, she’s in my arms. I bury my nose in her hair and squeeze so tightly I’m surprised she can breathe. Fuck but I’ve needed this… needed her. Her chest heaves against me and she’s most likely dying from lack of oxygen. It’s not the case. She’s crying.