Sojourner (16 page)

Light.

But light’s not substantial.  How can it block something physical like water?  Is it possible that the light is simply blocking out whatever’s really there?  I focus harder, tugging at the memory, the shimmering.  It’s there, in my head, buried.  Lev doesn’t want me to remember.  Somehow he’s kept from me.  But I won’t give up.  I clench the blanket and try harder.  The shimmering, blinding white.  Where is it coming from?

Wings.

Then an image of the figurines Celia gave me flashes into my head.  He’s an angel and so is she.  Is Evan?  But why had I dreamed about Lev and what if he is an angel, what is his purpose?  Why is he here?  There’s still so much I don’t understand. But tomorrow I’ll get some answers.  Somehow, I’ll make him talk to me, make him tell me the truth.  I have to know.

The decision brings me peace but not enough to drive away the panic of recent events.  Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see our garage door with the words “half breed” scrawled across it in red paint.  Sometimes I feel myself free-falling and I expect to land in frigid water.  Sometimes I imagine my father lying dead in a field while cattle nibble the grass.  His eyes stare into the heavens even though I know by now his body wouldn’t in any way resemble the man in the pictures I’ve seen.  There’s so much that haunts me these days, and sometimes I wish I could be the Elizabeth from a month ago, the one who never had to deal with any of this.

But that Elizabeth hadn’t known the living breathing Lev who now loves me, only the dream Lev who watched her die night after night.  I’ll take living any day.  Even so, on nights like this, when the world feels tilted like an amusement park ride spinning too fast, out of control, I lie awake, staring at the ceiling.  Sometimes the silence is too much, so I plug in the headphones to my mp3 player and try to lose myself in the throbbing beat of music.  It takes a good ten songs before I stop fighting the sluggishness claiming my body and let the blackness come.

Tonight, there are no thundering hooves or soldiers, only that moment when I’m under water with Lev, his bright eyes staring heavenward with a calm I never feel.  His is the warm shelter from a cold world.

That’s the dream I wake from as the honey light of morning spills across my bed.  I should be tired, but the dream has energized me, and I quickly get ready, wondering what Jimmie will say when I ask whether I can see Lev.  How much trouble am I in?

I shower, change, and head downstairs where I mix up a batch of pancakes for Jimmie and me.  Although they’re not my favorite, I know Jimmie loves them, especially with homemade syrup.  Maybe it’s not fair appealing to his stomach, but I’ll do whatever I can to see Lev, maybe even actually keep myself out of trouble, a first for me.

By the time Jimmie stumbles into the kitchen, still wearing his sleep shorts and a white t-shirt, I’ve made a stack of pancakes I deliver as he sits at the table, along with the homemade syrup.  He manages to peel one eye open long enough to light his first cigarette.

“You’re trying to bribe me.”  He props one arm up and rests his chin on it, and he takes a lazy drag.  Strands of his hair stand up wildly on one side.  He sees his reflection in the window and tries to paw it into place, but then it jumps right back up again and pretty soon he gives up.

“Maybe.”

“What do you want?”  He hasn’t touched the pancakes.

“To see Lev.”

The fact that Jimmie silently rubs his eyes and turns his focus to the pancake tells me he’s thinking it over and hasn’t reached a decision.  If I’d mentioned wanting to see Griffin, I would’ve heard a few expletives before a resounding “no” so I know the silence is a good thing.  Still, I’m not about to push my luck.

 Chewing my bottom lip, I pour a glass of milk for Jimmie and one for myself.  Then I take my own plate of pancakes to the table so I can eat.  We exchange glances and I force myself to stay calm.  I know Jimmie is waiting for the impulsive, impatient side of me to give him a reason to say  ‘no’ to my request.

Once Jimmie’s finished, he pushes his plate away and leans back in his chair.  Although he traces the letters of the Coke insignia on his glass, he doesn’t drink the milk.  Then he turns to me, his eyebrows bunched, frowning.

“Although I didn’t appreciate the fact you hung up on me, I understood it.  Lizzie, I never wanted to tell you that about your dad, but you deserved the truth.  I’m just sorry it came out like it did.  That was my fault.  I probably over-reacted.  Besides being at the wrong place at the wrong time, you didn’t do anything bad.  So I guess I need to hear more about your plan.  Then I can make a decision.”

“I want to spend some time with Lev.  Maybe he could come over here.  Nothing that involves water, I promise.”  I look at him, watching his frown deepen amid the haze of smoke.

“I know I keep acting like you’re a little girl, Lizzie.  Truth is at seventeen you have your life more together than I did at your age.  And if the whole idea of protecting you is keeping away whoever is spray-painting trashy names on our house from you, at least I believe Lev will do that.  If you want to go there, his dad needs to be home and I’m here when he is, I guess I’m okay with that.”

Without thinking, I rise and run around the table to throw my arms around him, squealing.  “Thank you, Jimmie.  I’ll be good.  I promise!”

“Yeah.”  He blushes.  “I’ve heard that before.  Let’s just hope this time you mean it.”  He grabs my hand before I can run off.  “Before you get too excited, you aren’t going anywhere tonight.”  He wags a warning finger.  “If you want to ask him over for a little while, it’s okay by me.  We’ll split some pizza, but I have to work tonight, so keep that in mind.”

“All right.”  Breathless, I bound for the stairs to use the house phone until Jimmie gets his first check and can replace my cell.  I’m stuck with a landline, which probably explains why he wants me somewhere he can track me.

“Take it easy, Lizzie.  I don’t want to have to take you back to the hospital,” Jimmie calls from downstairs as I pick up the cordless.

“You won’t,” I yell, plunking down in his wooden office chair.  My fingers quickly press the numbers and wait.  I expect Lev to answer, but his voicemail picks up.  Frowning, I invite him over for some pizza and a movie and sit back, still thinking of those blue eyes and the millions of questions churning in me.  I could stare at the phone all day and will it to ring, but I know how that works so I settle for going back downstairs and washing the dishes.

While I’m scrubbing down the kitchen, Jimmie sits in the recliner, and even though there’s a game on television, his slightly nodding head tells he’s asleep again.  His hands rest on his stomach, and his easy breathing suggests that his dreams, whatever they may be, thankfully do not take after mine.

The phone rings’ and Jimmie jerks up.  His eyes snap open and he looks around, disoriented.  I dry my hands and yell, “I’ve got it.”

“Hello?” I answer.

“Hey,” Lev says.  “You called?”

“Yeah.  How do you feel about coming over for pizza and a movie?”  I can’t help grinning.

“Are you going to be there?”  he teases.

“Of course.”  I sit down and clench the phone tightly.

“Then so will I.  When?”

“Five?”  My breath catches and I wonder if that will be okay.  Can I make it work?

“Five’s great.  See you then.”

I keep holding the phone long after he’s hung up.  Right now that’s as close as I’m going to get to him.

The pizza gets here just before Lev is supposed to, and I’m still arranging things around the table when the doorbell rings.  I start to run for it, but Jimmie waves me back to the kitchen.

“You get things situated.  I’ll let Lev in.”

Part of me wants to pout, but I can tell this is part of Jimmie’s plan for getting to know Lev better.  I guess he figures that even though he already thinks Lev is a pretty good guy, it never hurts to make sure.  So this is part of the making sure, I guess.

Even as I set the table, I hear the two of them talking in low tones.  While I can’t hear the actual conversation, I can tell by the tone it’s going well.  I set the two liter bottles of soda next to the plastic glasses and try to see if there’s anything I’m missing, but I can’t think of anything, so I slip into the living room where the two of them sit watching football.  Grinning, I realize that Jimmie is more intent than Lev, just another reason for me to be crazy about him.

The moment I enter, both of them look up and Lev winks.  I’d wink back, but it’s a skill I never mastered.  The closest I come is closing both eyes at the same time, so I guess I’m more of a blink sort of girl.  Go figure.

“Hey,” I say, joining him.  “You want some pizza?”

“Do you really have to ask?”  Jimmie smacks his own head.  “Of course he wants pizza.”

Lev chuckles and nods.  “Yeah.”  I offer my hand and he takes it, allowing me to lead him to the kitchen.  Then I shove a paper plate into his hand.

“What kind of pizza do you like?”  I flip open both boxes so he can see what we have.

 “Supreme.”  He holds his plate toward the pizza box.

I slide two pieces onto his plate, careful to get all the cheese with the pizza so it doesn’t dangle off the sides.  After that, I put two pieces on a plate for Jimmie, and then give myself two on another plate.  I carry the two plates into the living room and offer one to Jimmie.

“Thanks.”

“So what kind of movies do you like?” Jimmie asks, taking a bite.  The hot cheese burns his mouth, but he refuses to back off and continues eating.

“I’m not really picky,” he says, shrugging.  Then he holds out a napkin to each of us that he’s been holding since we left the kitchen.  “I pretty much like everything.  Except stories that have anything to do with water.”

Kicking him, I grit my teeth as Jimmy bursts out laughing.  “That makes two of us,” he finally says.  This is the first time since we’ve moved here that Jimmie has been this close to care-free.  It’s almost as if Lev completely puts his mind to ease so that he doesn’t have to think about all the things which he cannot control.

“If you’d like some help painting your garage tomorrow, I’d be glad to come over,” Lev offers and then takes a bite.  Cheese stretches from the crust, and he has to set the piece down just to break the cheese link.  Then he eats the mozzarella web he just broke.

“I appreciate it, but this isn’t your problem.”  He rises and goes into the kitchen, probably to get a drink.

“It’s no trouble,” Lev calls after.  “I know how things are around here.”  Although there isn’t much emotion in Lev’s expression, his voice hints at the disgust he feels.  “Besides, I know that working the night shift has probably really turned things upside-down.” 

“You got that right.  I much prefer working days.”  Jimmie hands both of us a cup of soda and then sits back down in the recliner.  “But in a town like Hauser’s Landing, you take what you can find when you can find it.  Still, with all this stuff going on, I hate leaving Elizabeth unattended.”  He takes a drink of his own soda.

“I’m not a little kid anymore, Jimmie,” I growl.  “I can take care of myself.”  Then I take a long drink.

“Really, cause last time I checked, you can even walk across a bridge without dire consequences.”  Although Lev is joking, there is also a serious glint in his eyes.

“I can take care of myself,” I say, louder.  Then I take a bite of pizza, feeling both of them staring at me as though I’d grown another head.

“I do have a black belt in tae kwon do,” Lev announces, “and if you would like, and Elizabeth is amenable, I can show her some simple self-defense tactics that might come in handy.”

I’ve never really wanted to learn martial arts, but already I can see that Jimmie has latched onto the idea, sealing my fate.  Chewing my lip I wonder if maybe I can learn enough to land Lev on his butt from time to time.  Now he would deserve that, especially since I’m giving him a blatant look of wanting to kill him and his only reaction is grinning.