Solemn Oath (14 page)

Mercy leaned against Lukas as she listened to her ex-husband apologize once more. She heard the front door open and shut, heard Jarvis grumble something about trespassers, then command the guests to remember they were supposed to be having fun.

Lukas put a protective arm around her shoulders and drew her close. “I'm sorry, too, Mercy. Lauren warned me to tell you that she thought she'd seen him, but—”

“And she couldn't have warned
me
personally?” Mercy snapped.

“Nice to see your temper's still healthy and strong,” he said softly.

She would not cry. The chatter in the other room picked up again, and a little of the pressure in her chest dissipated. Someone stepped out and touched Mercy on the back.

“Honey, you okay?” It was Mom.

Mercy nodded, still relishing the feel of Lukas holding her so close.

Ivy patted her. “Theo's not going to get Tedi away from you.”

Mercy felt a prickle of heat at the back of her neck. “How can you be sure? He's done it before.”

Others came out to check on her, and Lukas stepped away to give her some room. Her nurse, Josie, hugged her, followed by Estelle. Suddenly it seemed as if the party had relocated to the small sunroom, and the din increased. Jarvis came out, and he, too, caught her up in a bear hug.

“That won't happen again, Mercy,” he growled. “If you want me to call the police, I will. I swear I didn't see him come in, or I would have grabbed one of my hunting rifles from the den and loaded it for you and let you have a field day.”

At another time, Mercy would have smiled. Jarvis was getting to be more like his old self. But somehow the noise became oppressive. The room grew hot. That old tingling sensation began at the core of her body, and she knew she had to get out or she would burst into tears or shout again in anger or scream with frustration. She felt as if she were swimming through people as she headed for the doorway. She heard Lukas call out, but when she turned toward the sound of his voice, she couldn't see him. People were talking to her, laughing around her, pressing against her from all sides, and she knew how Tedi had felt when her body had betrayed her this morning and she wet the bed. If she didn't escape this suffocating heat…She had to get out.

 

Lukas watched helplessly as Mercy stepped out a sliding glass door onto an open patio and disappeared into the darkness. He pushed through the crush of well-meaning people, ignoring their questions and their attempts to draw him into their conversations. He reached the door through
which Mercy had exited, managing not to step on too many toes or knock over more than one glass figurine—which fell into thick carpet and did not break.

As soon as he stepped outside he heard her weeping. He barely saw the pale reflection of her skin in the darkest shadows in the farthest corner of the yard, and he walked carefully across the well-tended grass to her side. He put a hand on her shoulder and felt the quiet sobs that shook her body.

“Mercy, it's okay. He's gone, and it's just like your mother said. He doesn't have anybody fooled anymore.”

Lukas slid his arm around her, and with a suddenness that startled him, she turned and buried her face against his chest, folding herself into his embrace like a child yielding to the care of someone bigger and stronger.

He put his other arm around her and let her cry. Occasionally he patted her shoulder and prayed for the right words…and the right reactions. The reactions he was having right now to her nearness, her tender trust, were more powerful than he'd expected.

After a few more moments the major storm passed enough for her to speak through the sniffles. “I'm sorry,” she whispered. “I hope I didn't embarrass you too badly in there.” She raised her head and looked up at him.

He could see the pale outline of her face from the minimal gleam of light that reached them from the house as she wiped at her eyes and nose with the back of her hand. Lukas forced himself to release her and move back just a few inches. “I'm not embarrassed. I'm sorry I don't have a handkerchief or anything.” He pulled out his hastily tucked T-shirt and offered her the hem.

She looked at it, then back up at him, and she shrugged and took it. “Might as well. I can't be any more humiliated than I already am.” She tugged the material up and patted at her face, concentrating on the makeup around her eyes.

“You don't have to feel humiliated, Mercy. Everyone
understands, and nobody's laughing at you. They're all worried about you. They didn't want Theodore here any more than you did, and you heard what Jarvis said. As far as he's concerned—”

Mercy released his shirt and shook her head, swinging away to walk a couple of steps into the darkness. “That's not it, Lukas, not all of it.” Her voice once more grew husky with tears. “It's just that everything's a mess right now. Tedi's having nightmares, and I can't stop worrying about her, and I don't know how good I am for her. I want her to get over all of this, but people keep telling me that in order to do that, she's going to have to face her father and come to terms with what happened. How can she come to terms when I can't? How am I supposed to know how to do the right thing for a child who puts her whole trust in me?” Mercy once again dabbed at her face with the back of her hand. “It was so much easier to deal with when Theo was tucked safely away from us. I know that's the coward's way, but I'm a coward.”

“You're not a coward, Mercy.” He stepped up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. He wanted to hold her even closer. “What you're being asked to do…the forgiveness…I don't think it's humanly possible. I think that's a God-size job.”

She stood in silence for a moment, then sighed and shook her head. “Guess I'll never get it right, then.”

“Let God do it for you.”

She shook her head again and stepped away from him, and all the warmth went with her. “You know, Lukas, in a way you've made my life worse since I met you.”

Lukas blinked in sudden hurt bewilderment. “Worse?”

She turned and looked at him through the darkness. “Since you came,” she said softly, “I've had to address the fact that God truly exists. It was so much easier before I met you to avoid the subject, and avoid God, even with Mom's
constant harping. I could always blame the changes in her attitude on the changes in her life since Dad's death. But now, with you, I get so confused sometimes. There really is something different about you, and you make me believe in His existence. I get so frustrated because I don't have what you have, and yet I want to so badly. But it's like there's something inside me that won't let me.”

“Fear,” Lukas said, feeling a powerful surge of hope.

“More like anger because He's rejected me.”

“He hasn't rejected you. What makes you think that? Because you've suffered a lot of pain? So do Christians. I watched my mother die of breast cancer, and I was kicked out of my residency program in Kansas City because of the power of one angry nurse. Throughout my childhood I was ridiculed because I was smaller than the other boys, and I was shy and I wore glasses. Mercy, we can all look at our lives and see the pain. We have to look past the pain to see God. He's there to bear it with us.”

“He isn't bearing mine.”

“You won't
give
it to Him.” Lukas couldn't keep the frustration from his voice, and he was ashamed to realize that the frustration wasn't all for the sake of her soul, or for the sake of God's kingdom, but for the sake of his own desire to be more to her than just a friend.

She raised her hands as if to ward him off. “Enough! I've heard this all before.” With a sigh she turned and strolled a few feet across the uneven shadows of the yard. “Lukas, before I met you I thought I was beginning to get my life back together after years of struggle. Suddenly, everything's turned upside down for me. I've been so miserable lately.”

Lukas stared at her darkened form in surprise. “Really? You've seemed…I don't know…so much happier lately.”

“Oh sure, that's when I'm with you.” She gave a half laugh. “I'm always happier when we're together. You make
me forget everything else. It isn't until you're gone that the depression starts to sift its way back in.” She turned and paced back toward him. “I realize I've never worked through some of the unresolved consequences of a bad marriage and a nasty divorce. I had to fight so hard to see Tedi and to rebuild my practice that there wasn't any time to deal with the rejection of my husband leaving me for another woman and taking my daughter with him. Somehow, seeing that woman leave him soon afterward didn't ease any of the pain.” She returned to stand in front of Lukas, and her voice dropped to a near whisper. “I closed my heart off for a while, Lukas, to keep it from shattering to pieces. Because of you it's opening again.” She stared at him in silence for a moment.

Lukas couldn't control the sudden pounding in his chest. “I may not have anything to do with it.” Although, in spite of an inner warning, he hoped he did. He wanted to have that kind of effect on her. “Look at everything that's happened since I came.” He held up his hand and started counting things off on his fingers. “Your grandmother died, you got your daughter back and—”

“And I discovered that I can fall in love again.”

Lukas froze with the fear and longing and hope and pain her words brought. Was this love? The desire to spend more and more time with her, to protect her, share everything with her? But the most important aspect in his life, she wouldn't share with him.

“Mercy—”

“Please don't say anything.” To stress her words, she placed two fingers against his lips, gently, like a butterfly landing. “I've got to be honest with you. I've wondered about a possible future for us. I've allowed myself to hope that you might feel the same way.”

Lukas couldn't answer. He could barely breathe. Somehow they had jumped from the subject of God to the subject
of their own future together, and he wasn't sure how they'd gotten there.

“Oh, Lukas, I'm sorry.” She turned away. “I know I shouldn't be doing this to you.” The long, heavy silence was so deep that the sounds of laughter and talk that reached them through the closed windows of the house seemed miles away. “Maybe…” She bowed her head. “Maybe we shouldn't be spending so much time together.”

Another shock. “What?”

“This is getting so hard. The more time we spend with each other, the harder it'll get.” She turned back to face him, the tears in her eyes sparkling in the light from the house.

“But I don't want to stop seeing you.”

She stood watching him for a long moment. “Why not?”

How was he supposed to put it all into words? “Because I care for you.” He thought about it for a moment. “I love spending time with you and telling you about all the things that happen to me during the day that nobody else would understand. I've come to depend on your friendship…and your patience with my total lack of social skills, and I love to hear you laugh, and I love your compassion for people.”

“But do you love
me?
”

Lukas hesitated. How was he supposed to determine the depth of their relationship after only a summer of friendship? Didn't it take a lifetime to know about love?

She sighed and looked down.

He reached forward and tipped her chin back up. Touching her skin and looking into the shadowed planes of her face brought all the warmth back—more than before. More than even a few seconds ago. He wanted to forget everything else and just hold her, draw her closer, close his eyes and feel her next to him. He wanted to protect her and never let her go.

For a moment she held his gaze, then smiled through the tears. She stepped up to him and put her arms around him,
and he thought the sudden energy between them might ignite. She placed a hand on the back of his head and drew him forward. Her lips touched his with gentle caring for a brief moment, and they tasted sweeter and felt softer than he'd dreamed possible. Then she tilted her head back and looked at him quizzically. The look burned all the way to his heart. He wanted more.

He couldn't help himself. He grasped her shoulders tenderly and then wrapped his arms around her. His lips sought hers again, as if that was where they belonged. Her warm, exquisite arms came across his back. He thought he would drown. The whole night disappeared for him except for this one moment, her touch, her beauty. There was a spiritual bond between them—he could feel it. He immersed himself in it. He felt lost in the power of her presence, and he didn't mind at all. Lost…

Lost.

He stiffened. His eyes flew open, and he caught his breath. What was he doing?

She drew back. “Lukas? What's wrong?”

Even the sound of her voice transfixed him. He reached up and touched her face again, then drew back again quickly, as if she might burn him.

And she might. And she didn't even realize the sudden power she had over him.

“Maybe we should go back inside.”