Somebody Love Me (Journeys) (7 page)

"I'll be sixteen in a few months." I shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"Shit! I can't do it." He pushed me off his lap and left the room, leaving me stunned. Why did my age matter so much? I should've lied.

After several long minutes of wondering where he'd gone, I realized he'd totally rejected me. Maybe Mary had heard something about what happened to him.

I found her surrounded by a mixed group of potheads and alkies. She was smoking a joint when I slid beside her. She coughed and handed me the roach clip because it was getting too short to hold with her fingers.

"Here," she snorted and tried to contain the smoke in her lungs.

Mimicking Mary, I did the same. When I passed the joint to the next person, I told her about Andy. "He freaked out when I told him my age."

My friend covered her mouth and giggled. "Whoops, I almost forgot. He was sent to jail last year for
boinking with a minor. I'll bet that's why he dumped you."

"He didn't dump me. He just ran off." I studied my nails for a moment. "Now what am I
gonna do? I was having such a good time with him."

Margie and Sharon entered the room and waved. I was surprised to see them at a party, but Mary and Cathy said sometimes they'd show up just to check out the guys. A nice looking man with coppery brown hair and light freckles stood beside them. He introduced himself as their brother Clay. Ah, yes, he was the one who liked me from seeing my picture. Things were already looking up.

After a shy introduction, he took my hand and led me outside. We sat on the porch swing and talked about a variety of neutral subjects. He finally paused and captured my attention by touching my cheek. "My step-sisters tell me you haven't had any experience with a guy and you wanted someone safe to get horizontal with."

I nearly choked on my own saliva. "They told you what?"

"You said you wanted to do it with someone. They thought we might hit it off."

"Wow, I can't believe they told you that." I glanced away from him, my cheeks on fire. What were they doing telling him my personal business anyway?

"Since you know my sisters, you know I'm a decent guy, right? I don't use girls."

"I guess." His eager expression told me that while he might not use girls, he would have sex with me if I wanted him to. "I could see you again if you want."

His shoulders drooped a bit. "You're not ready now?"

"We just
freakin' met."

Were all guys so dumb that they thought girls didn't want a relationship with a guy, but figured a quick bang with a stranger would do just fine?

"And your point is?" His charming smile warmed my insides.

A flush of heat pulsed through me. So I kissed him. He responded with a bit more excitement than I expected.
Like he didn't have much experience himself. His kisses weren't that great either. But he was safe, right?

"I'm not ready yet.
Maybe next time?"

"Sure. We can get together again." He tipped his head toward me again and I heard someone shout from inside. "The cops are coming."

Clay and I stood and glanced around. Sure enough, sirens blared a few blocks away. He took my hand and led me to the car he had parked down the street. He opened the door. "Quick, climb inside."

People streamed out of the house including his sisters. Margie and Sharon yanked opened the back door and slipped inside. Mary and Cathy were nowhere around.

"Get down!" Clay shouted at us while leaning down himself so his head rested on my lap. I leaned toward him and we ended up tangled together.

"Why don't you just drive us away from here?" I whispered.

He turned to face me and smiled. "We'll wait until they run inside."

A few seconds later, he peeked over the dash. He sat up and turned the key. After starting the car, he took a deep breath and whispered something that sounded like a prayer. I think we all held our breath until he'd turned the corner and crossed the intersection without being followed.

He spoke first. "That's why it always pays to park half a block down. They can't assume you were at the party if you aren't too close when you take off."

"Then why did you have us get down and hide?"

Clay grinned at me. "I just wanted to stick my face between your thighs."

A gasp escaped me and I slapped his arm. "That's sick."

"I was just kidding." He laughed and said over his shoulder. "Tell her I'm harmless, will you?"

Margie spoke first. "He wouldn't mess with you like that."

"Not at all," Sharon agreed.

Why had he wanted his sisters to tell me that about him?

Just thinking about his comment had me a bit creeped out.

Chapter Eight

Over the next week or so I hung out with Margie and Sharon three times. We watched movies and I spent the night at their house the following weekend. I even helped them with some of their moving the following week. They'd canceled the party anyway.

Mary wasn't talking to me because Cathy was still mad about Dave hitting on me, and Mary didn't want to set her sister off. Or so her step-sisters had said. The first time I went to hang out and spend the night at their new place, their brother was there. Apparently their mom had gone out of town, so they had the house to themselves.

He gazed at me with a hungry look in his eyes and said, "Hey, it's been awhile."

"It has." Glancing at Margie and Sharon with a questioning gaze, I hoped to find out what they'd planned for the overnighter, but they both avoided eye contact with me. Not a good
sign, and something was definitely up.

Margie said hastily, "Clay I need to borrow your car. Sharon and I need to get a few things at the store. How about you stay here and get reacquainted with Missy?"

"Sounds good to me," Clay responded, his gaze fixed on mine.

I shrugged and sat beside him on the couch. "I guess I'll stay here then."

The moment we were alone my palms grew sweaty. He didn't have to say anything for me to know what he had in mind for entertainment. I could practically hear him panting beside me, but he kept his distance. Part of me liked the fact he wanted to be with me so much that he practically hyperventilated, and the terrified part of me wanted to split right out of there and take cover.

"I brought something." He glanced at me, his face turning a shade of pink as he held out his hand to show me a square packet.

It said Trojan on the outside of the wrapper. The content confirmed my worries, but a part of me wanted to see if it was possible to get past the fear of what happened with Dirk. I couldn't help feeling conflicted about my options. But he seemed like a decent guy, and from what I could tell he was almost as nervous as I was.

At least I knew his sisters were decent people. Unlike Mary and Cathy, Margie and Sharon didn't drink, smoke, or have sex. Yet they still seemed cool.

"How long do you think they'll be gone?" I glanced up at his eager face hoping he'd say not long, but hearing, "Long enough," instead.

My body stiffened and I stared into his eyes. No malice lingered, only a boyish hunger, and something that resembled anxiety. The crease in his forehead and the slight moisture on his skin told me that much.

Though not sure how long we sat in silence studying each other, Clay finally ended it by leaning close and covering my mouth with his. I responded and kissed him back. The lazy caress of his kisses pulled me into the "no going back" zone. Since our last meeting he'd somehow gotten better at kissing. He grabbed my hand and stood.

His lids were heavy, and he smiled as if to reassure me things would be okay. We went into the bedroom and I came out about thirty minutes later wondering what I'd been so afraid of. It hadn't hurt at all. In fact, it felt pretty good. The only thing that worried me was he used the same condom twice and it broke the second time. I was pretty sure that meant I could get pregnant, but I sure hoped I was wrong. From what I could tell he seemed a bit worried about that, too, though he didn't say anything at first.

Finally, after several minutes of silence, he spoke.

"I didn't think it would break," he said as his gaze darted around. "I hope you're on the pill. You are on the pill, right?"

His worried gaze captured mine, and I couldn't lie to him. "No. I've not had a reason to get on the pill."

"You really need to do that. In case this happens again."

I swallowed hard, not sure I wanted it to happen again. It wasn't all that great. It felt good, don't get me wrong, but Clay was a bit small and it wasn't nearly as amazing as I'd thought it would be. Then again, I didn't have feelings for Clay. Didn't I tell myself I'd wait until I had feelings for a guy to sleep with him? What a letdown.

A few minutes later the step-sisters returned. Margie and Sharon both glanced over at Clay who gave them a slight nod. Then they glanced at me and things got awkward between us really fast.

"So what did you guys buy?" I tried to act unflustered despite the fact I had no doubt they were aware I'd just had sex with their brother.

Margie and Sharon gestured for me to follow them into the kitchen. Clay followed us and glanced at me several times from the corner of his eye. I tried to act natural, like I hadn't been intimate with him, but it was hard to pull off. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and said, "I can't do this. Can someone give me a ride home?"

Margie glanced at Clay. He said, "You can use my car."

I closed my eyes, relieved he wouldn't be the one driving. "Thank you."

We drove in silence, and after pulling into my driveway Margie said, "You don't want to see him again, do you?"

I shook my head to indicate no. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."

"No. It's okay. He'll understand."

Glancing at my friend, I blinked my surprise.
"Really."

"Sure. Yeah. He'll be fine."

"Okay. Um, thanks." I opened the car door and climbed out. I didn't plan to return to their home. It wouldn't feel right. So I entered my house and walked right past my mother, climbed the stairs two at a time to my bedroom, and once inside, I flopped down hard on my bed, and I cried.

*****

The following month I avoided all of my crazy friends. I went to school every day and stayed home on the weekends. I prayed each night before bed that my period would come. When it finally arrived, I nearly fell apart and sobbed with relief. I couldn't chance that scare again. I needed to get on the pill.

My father sat at the dining room table eating eggs and bacon the morning I finally got up the nerve to ask him for help. Not used to seeing him at home on a Saturday morning, I asked, "Why are you here?"

Dad offered me a wry grin and asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

Shaking my head, I sat at the table beside him and said, "I need to go to the Family Planning clinic downtown. I hear they can give out free prescriptions for the pill, and I need it. My cramps keep getting worse and they're so wicked painful I can't stand it anymore." I clutched my abdomen to emphasize that point.

My father stared at me a moment and said, "I'll take you today if they're open."

"I think so. Let me check." I proceeded to look up the clinic information in the Yellow Pages with trembling hands. My father was actually agreeing to take me to get on the pill?
Unbelievable. But I appreciated it. Hopefully he wouldn't figure out there was another reason for my sudden need.

Thankfully, the hours were posted in the ad in the phone book. They were open on Saturdays from noon to five. "They open at noon. Is that time going to work?"

"I'm off today, so yes, after lunch we'll head downtown. Okay?"

"Sure." I licked my lips and entered the kitchen. My mom slaved over the stove as usual. "Can I have some breakfast too?"

"Of course." My mother studied me a moment as she handed me a plate of food.

I avoided her gaze and received it. "Thanks."

After devouring my breakfast, I went up to my room and changed my clothes. My dad was actually taking me to the clinic so I could get on the pill. It seemed too good to be true. But when I saw him at the bottom of the stairs jiggling his keys, I knew he meant to get my attention for another reason. "Dad, it's only ten."

"I know, but I wanted to buy my girl something for Christmas. I need your help."

Not sure why my dad always referred to my mom as "my girl," I almost refused him. But the pleading look in his eyes told me that would hurt his feelings, and he was doing me a favor. So I said, "Sure."

As we drove to the mall before heading downtown, I wanted to make small talk with him, but couldn't come up with something to say that would be neutral enough to work for both of us.

Finally my dad said, "Jenny has been asking about you. She and her boyfriend broke up and she said you might know something about it."

"When did this happen?" I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.

"A few days ago. Apparently she'd gotten pregnant and he insisted she have an abortion. When she did, he broke up with her just like that." My dad snapped his fingers.

"Wow. That had to hurt." Thankfully it had nothing to do with my experience with Dirk the dick --
er, jerk.

"I'm sure it did. I'm glad you stopped hanging out with her. Any girl that would sleep around like that and have an abortion is someone you don't need to be friends with. I'm sorry I introduced you to her. Her boyfriend sounds like a real creep."

"You have no idea," I muttered.

"What did you say?" My dad turned the radio down.

"Nothing. I just said you're right." Staring at my cuticles, I picked at them while deciding if I should tell my dad about him or not.

"Your mother miscarried again."

I glanced at my father as he blinked back tears. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Yeah, well, I don't think we're meant to have any more kids. We just have to accept it and stop wishing things would work out. It hurts your mom too much to lose the babies." He cleared his throat. "I wish she'd get on the pill too."

I stiffened. Did my dad sense there was more to the story with my sudden desire for the pill? I dreaded the truth, so I wasn't about to ask him.

As he pulled into a parking spot outside the Sears entrance, he turned to face me. He shut off the engine, but made no move to get out of the car. "I would understand if you needed the pill for other reasons."

Swallowing hard, I asked, "You would?"

"Yes. Your mom was only sixteen when she got pregnant with you."

"She was?" I'd never really thought about my mom's age when she'd had me. But if I did the math, he was right.

He turned to face me and searched my eyes like he did when we used to have our heart to heart talks. I had all I could do not to sob and throw myself into his arms. "Just make sure you love him, sweetheart. Don't throw your innocence away on a jerk."

My pulse pounded in my ears and my mouth went dry. "I…"

"What is it, Melissa? You can tell me."

Turning my face away to hide my guilt, I said, "I'll do that."

What I really wanted to say is I wasn't innocent anymore. Honestly, part of me still blamed my dad for introducing me to Jenny and causing this whole mess. But I didn't want to hurt him, so I kept it to myself. I might have gotten in trouble with a guy anyway.
If not Dirk, some other user.

"She said her boyfriend told her that he'd slept with you. Is that why you've been avoiding her for months?"

"She what?" I ground my teeth, seething to the point I considered shouting the truth in his face. How dare Dirk the dickhead make it sound like a mutual thing!

"It's okay, honey." He patted my hand. "I don't believe her. I know you wouldn't do something like that willingly. Would you?"

"No. You're right. I wouldn't." I pressed my lips together to avoid saying more. The grief-stricken expression on my dad's face told me he was already hurting and feeling some guilt over the issue. The last thing I needed to do was confirm his fears.

"You were with them the night you came home early in the morning and sat on the picnic table waiting for me to open the door, weren't you? You can tell me the truth."

Why did my dad suddenly care? It irked me. "Yes, but I was too upset with myself for disobeying you to tell you at the time. And there's no way I'll call Jenny to work things out. I want nothing to do with her, or her ex-boyfriend."

He studied me a moment, and then sighed. "Let's get some shopping out of the way, okay, honey?"

"Sure." Anything to avoid discussing Dirk the jerk and that entire situation. For once, I was glad my dad wanted to avoid a subject.

We stepped inside the shopping mall, and for the next two hours, my father acted like he didn't have concerns about me. That I hadn't started to tell him Dirk had raped me. But I preferred his avoidance to his intense scrutiny any day. It hurt less than admitting the truth.

And the truth was, he didn't want to know what happened. Then he'd have to deal with it. Avoidance worked for him, so I'd play along. My mother always did.