Something Had to Give (16 page)

“What do you mean, you don’t want to go? This is not just a little dance like we had in middle school. It’s senior prom, one of the best nights of your life.” Shanna reacted just like I thought she would.

“Yeah, I’m sure it is if you have a date. My date is dead.” I didn’t understand why it was important to everyone, but it was starting to annoy me.

“Cheryl you have gone through a terrible thing losing Derrick, but you can’t stop living. I doubt he would want you to miss out on making such a great memory. It’s not fair to yourself to cheat yourself out of your prom.”

“Well, I’ll sleep on it. I may change my mind.” I wanted to yell at her to shut up! I didn’t though because I knew she was right.

The next day I continued to avoid Kristin while I went back and forth in my mind about whether I wanted to go. A part of me felt like it was disrespectful to Derrick to go but then again, I felt guilty when I did anything fun. I wondered if he was looking down from heaven watching me laugh and having fun and if it bothered him. I needed him to know that I still missed him and that his death was still hard for me to deal with. The other part of me knew I wasn’t thinking clearly about this. I was making myself miserable because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy with Derrick being gone. It took me until after lunch when I was done with classes to go to the office to purchase my ticket. The line was so long that it was outside the door, which left plenty of time for me to change my mind. I stayed put, even though I had to wait in line for 15 minutes. When I finally got to the lady selling tickets it hit me what I was doing and I wanted to run. I held it together for the simple fact that I didn’t want to look crazy running out of the office in front of so many people. Once I got my ticket, I stood outside the office staring at it in disbelief. I was going to prom.

“This better be fun,” I said to myself.

Dress shopping with Kristin and her friends lasted all day long, but it was a lot of unexpected fun. By the end of the day, I concluded that they were cool people and that prom had the potential to be just as fun. Shanna came in town the weekend of prom and went with me to get my hair and nails done. I had planned to get my makeup done professionally with Kristin, but Shanna seemed so excited about the ideas she had that I didn’t want to let her down. I hoped she wouldn’t let me down and she didn’t. I loved what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Shanna made me look like I was going to a photo shoot and Daddy took what had to be hundreds of pictures once Kristin and her friends arrived to pick me up. It didn’t bother us though. We were too excited to be annoyed. I assumed Daddy was being a typical parent taking tons of pictures, but really he was stalling us. He surprised us by renting us a limo for the night and had been waiting for it to arrive. It was a completely unexpected surprise for us all.

Unforgettable didn’t even scratch the surface of describing prom night. We went to eat at Brazos’s Steakhouse and I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed so hard. We were surprised once again when we asked for the bill and learned that Kristin’s dad had called ahead and made arrangements to take care of the bill for us. With that piece of information, we couldn’t resist ordering desert. From the time we got to prom until we left, we didn’t sit down a single time. After pictures, we danced the whole time. We danced to songs we didn’t know, songs we didn’t like, and even slow songs. I couldn’t believe that I ever contemplated not coming. None of us wanted the night to end and we ended up staying until the chaperones made us leave. We all fell asleep in the limo and were too tired to make a late night McDonalds run that we had planned. I was the last to be dropped off and was surprised that no one waited up for me. I was exhausted when I finally got in bed. Before drifting off to sleep I reflected on the perfect night I had. I promised myself that from that moment on I was going to stop cheating myself and release myself from feeling guilty.

Shanna graduated from college just a few weeks after prom. The whole family including Aunt Michelle and my cousins went down to Wilmington for the weekend. We rented a beach house so we all could stay together and enjoy the beach. Shanna also stayed with us in the beach house since she had to be out of her apartment. She had the summer off, but would be moving to Tennessee in the fall for graduate school. She was still with Craig and in my opinion, she was obsessed with him. She called him every hour on the hour and had to know where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing. It annoyed me, so I felt like it had to annoy him too. I didn’t feel like it was my place to say anything, but I did wonder how she was going to handle being away from him for the summer. I hoped that we could spend my last summer at home together doing sister things to keep busy, but I had to accept that there was good chance that it probably wasn’t going to happen. Her college graduation day came and it should have been one of the happiest days of her life. Instead, she spent most of the day angry because Craig was 35 minutes late. Her mood only changed when he showed up to the beach house with a dozen roses. There was a sigh of relief from all of us when her mood lightened. We could finally enjoy the remaining time at the beach with no attitudes.

My high school graduation was exactly one month after Shanna’s graduation. I had all the expected feelings of excitement in the days leading up to it. It wasn’t until the actual morning of graduation that it hit me that Derrick should have been experiencing the same feelings of excitement with me. I couldn’t help but feel like he got cheated out of so many life experiences. I allowed myself just a short time to be sad then angry that Derrick wasn’t there to celebrate with me, but I upheld my promise to not cheat myself out of enjoying such a special day. Once I decided it was going to be great day, that’s exactly what it was. My whole family was there at the ceremony and afterwards we went out to brunch. Much to my surprise, they had planned a cookout for me and had invited Kristin and the two girls who I had went to prom with. It wasn’t much, but that was all I needed to have a great time. We were all going to different colleges in the fall and had our own things lined up for the summer, so it was nice to be able to spend time with them before we all got busy. It wasn’t until that night in bed that I thought about Derrick again, but it wasn’t the usual sad thoughts. I smiled thinking that he was probably proud of me for getting through these tough couple of years as well as I did. I was making progress and it was those moments that came right on time to show me that I was going to be OK.

After spending a few days at Myrtle Beach with Kristin, I came home and began working full-time at the day care. I still volunteered at the hospital on the weekends, but cut back on the hours for the simple fact that I was flat out exhausted after running after the kids all week. I needed some down time. Shanna was able to find an office job while home for the summer. During the week when we both got off work, we took full advantage of having our evenings off. We had dinner, we got manicures, and we saw movies that we didn’t really want to see, but it was something to do. It did us both good to keep our minds off missing Derrick and Craig. It wasn’t long before Shanna made preparations to leave and spend time with Craig. I prepared myself for her just going for a few days, figuring I would pick up more hours volunteering. What I was not prepared for was her leaving for two weeks. Craig’s family had invited her to vacation with them in Orlando and then Miami. Two weeks seemed like such a long time not to have her home. I found it hard not to be upset about her leaving. What was I going to do to pass the time?

It turned out that I was upset for no reason. The two weeks Shanna was gone went by much faster than I imagined. Kristin invited me to Atlanta with her family for a weekend and we enjoyed visiting Coca-Cola World and the aquarium. Daddy was back from a business trip after the trip to Atlanta. He must have known I was feeling somewhat lonely with Shanna being gone. He planned outings to a Charlotte Knight’s baseball games, bowling, and putt- putt golf. On days when we didn’t go out, we enjoyed watching gory horror films or a cheesy chick flick that he agreed to endure with me. My parents both suggested that I give the support group another try before leaving for school. They still feared that I still didn’t have the proper coping skills to deal with my grief and that it would only get worse when I went away to school. I couldn’t deny that they were right. I was going off to college where I didn’t know a single person. There wouldn’t be anyone to rescue me from my loneliness or sadness. Though I didn’t feel like I fit in, I decided to give the group another shot.

I had to leave work early to make the support group on time. The group leader seemed shocked to see me come back, but welcomed me nonetheless. The group was larger this time, but I did recognize people from the last time. Just as we did the first time, we went around and did introductions and much to my relief there were two other people there who were there after losing a close friend to cancer. I was still the only one who had lost a boyfriend, but it still made me feel more comfortable that I was not the only one there who had not lost a family member. They both shared their story before me and as I watched closely it was immediately clear that the others in the room were just as sympathetic and supportive of them as they were of everyone else. It made me feel silly that I didn’t share last time and had stayed away feeling like I was out of place. When it was my turn, I didn’t hesitate. It felt so liberating and freeing to let my story out and the support I received was almost overwhelming. I continued to attend group sessions for the rest of the summer and the skills I took away from there were far beyond anything I expected to gain. My last session was hard and I wanted to pack them all up and take them to Wilmington with me. I felt ready though to handle going off to school. I just hoped I truly was.

Moving into my college dorm went almost identical to when we moved Shanna in. I was placed in Galloway Hall, which was a 9 story coed dorm. Though, I had visited numerous times before, I had never been inside the dorm. The room was much smaller than Shanna’s room in Hewlett dorm. She tried to warn me that the dorm would be different, but it wasn’t anything like I expected. Shanna’s room was set up in a suite where her and her roommate shared a bathroom and common area with one other room. In my dorm, there was one bathroom for a little over a dozen of us. I wasn’t looking forward to it. When we got to my room, my roommate had already moved in and claimed the bottom bunk. I didn’t know much about her except that her name was Amanda and she was from Richmond, Virginia. She had stocked up the room with snacks, brought a small refrigerator and microwave, and most importantly, all of her belongings were neatly organized. It didn’t take long for me to get moved in. After lunch and a grocery store run, I didn’t really see a need for my parents to stick around. They both seemed pretty hesitant to leave me though. Mommy found any little thing to clean or organize and Daddy was coming up with random safety tips to tell me. As much as I wanted to get annoyed and make them leave, I held back. I knew it had to be hard for them. They were going to be empty nesters!

Initially, I felt as though l had an advantage over most of the incoming freshman since I had spent so much time on campus with Shanna. I knew how to get around campus and around town fairly well. I watched so many people cry when their parents left and felt so lucky to not feel sad or afraid. It wasn’t until they actually left that it hit me that I was there alone. I had felt so sure I was ready, but when they left, I was quickly reminded that I didn’t know a single person. I sat outside for a while, people watching, trying to pin point potential friends. When the August sun was too much to bear, I went back to my room, but purposely left my door open just in case some overfriendly individual wanted to come in and introduce themselves. I sat at my desk pretending to be on my computer watching people as they walked by. There were some, who would look in my room out of curiosity and give a friendly smile, but no one stopped in and I was too shy to get up and introduce myself. After 30 minutes, I had enough of people peering in my room being nosey and closed the door. I decided to lay down thinking I could sleep away feeling lonely and missing my family. I fought back tears thinking that maybe I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. Everything I learned in group to deal with my feelings was a blur. Lying there, I realized how exhausted I was from the long drive and moving in the sun. I just needed to rest.

I jumped up out of my sleep when I heard keys jiggling in the lock. I had no idea how long I had been out but I woke up feeling groggy. My roommate walked in and looked at me with wide eyes. I could only imagine how I looked and honestly felt a little embarrassed about how we were meeting for the first time.

“Oh hi, I didn’t realize you were in here. I’m Amanda. “She seemed a little nervous or caught off guard.

“Yeah, I’ve been here a while. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I laid down. I’m Cheryl by the way.” I introduced myself all while trying to fix my hair with my hands and rub the wrinkles that were now all over my shirt.

“I understand. I came in town yesterday and got all moved in. My parents are staying at a hotel nearby so I spent the night there. I hope you don’t mind me claiming the bottom bunk. I’ve always had a fear of falling off the top bunk.”

I had to laugh at the last comment. “Hopefully that doesn’t happen to me.”

“I’m sure it won’t”, she said with a smile. “It’s just my crazy way of thinking.”

By this time I was down from my bed, but I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I just felt awkward talking to her from the top bunk. She didn’t seem to notice though. She was too busy unpacking things.

“We have a hall meeting at in about 10 minutes, and then I was going to go get some dinner if you wanted to come.”

“Sure, let me go get myself together then.”

It wasn’t until then that I realized that I had been asleep for about three hours. I grabbed my brush and toothbrush and made my way to the bathroom. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t hold in my laughter. I looked an absolute mess with sleep lines all over my face and hair all over my head. What a wonderful first impression I made. I did the best I could with myself and when I walked out the bathroom, mostly everyone had gathered for the meeting. I wished I had changed my wrinkled shirt before leaving the room. Oh well I thought as I took a seat beside Amanda in front of our room door. We all went around and introduced ourselves and sat there trying to soak in all the information being thrown at us. When the meeting was over, I was finally able to change my shirt. Amanda waited outside for me taking up conversation with a girl who she had learned was also from Richmond. By the time I came back out the room, she had recruited two other girls to come eat with us. The girl from Richmond was Dina and her roommate was April. Amanda and Dina were just chatting away like they had known each other for their whole lives. April seemed reserved like me. To break the awkward silence, I started a conversation with her.

“So you’re from Raleigh?” I remembered this from her introductions and hoped it was a way to spark some sort of conversation.

“Yeah, it’s about two and a half hours from here, so not a bad drive at all.”

“I wish my drive here was that short. It takes about double for me to get here.”

“You said you’re from Charlotte right? I’ve been there a few times to visit family. I really like it there.”

“Well it is the best city in the state.”

We both had to laugh at that statement. April seemed pretty cool. We ended up going to Chili’s and when we saw all the cars in the parking lot with UNCW stickers, we realized that most of the school had the same idea. It was beyond crowded inside and while most of us wanted to find a different place to eat, Dina figured it would be a good way to meet other people from the school. While waiting inside, Amanda struck up a conversation with two other girls who were sophomores. They invited us to sit with them and when we finally got a booth to seat all six of us, the two girls were actually really friendly. Dina was right; it turned out to be a good way to meet other people. Midway through our meal, we were randomly joined by two guys who squeezed their way into the booth with us. They were loud and obnoxious, so I tuned them out, continuing to chat with April. I noticed out the corner of my eye that one of the guys was staring at me. He wasn’t even trying to be discreet, which really annoyed me. Why was he staring at me like that? When I got tired of looking everywhere but back at him, I stared back and we sat there in an awkward staring contest until he finally looked away with a smirk. I was relieved when we finally got up to leave. I didn’t even want to look in his direction as we were leaving. It wasn’t until I got in the car that I finally looked back and our eyes met immediately. I jerked back around hoping that I was fast enough that he didn’t notice me looking at him, but deep down I knew he did.

College life started off well for me. I adjusted to my school schedule well, even the 8am classes that I had each day. I couldn’t understand why I scheduled myself for early classes every day, but still managed to get up and go. It was a lot different from what I expected. I thought my visits to Shanna had prepared me, but it wasn’t until I actually got there and began to experience it that I realized how much freedom I actually had. There were constant house parties in addition to things going on at clubs pretty much each night of the week. House parties still weren’t my thing, but I went occasionally with Amanda and April. The first few times I felt awkward and slightly uncomfortable. Soon though, it hit me that I was having fun and there was nothing wrong with that. Daddy called me daily, saying that he wanted to make sure I was adjusting well. I knew he really wanted to make sure I wasn’t partying more than I was studying. Shanna called almost every day and was sure to stress to me daily on the importance of finding balance. I appreciated their concern, but some days I wanted to dodge their phone calls. I wasn’t a kid. I could handle it.

It was several weeks before I saw “him” again. I hadn’t given him much thought since that night at Chili’s, mainly because I was busy getting adjusted to my class schedule and partly because I figured he was just being annoying. On Wednesdays both April and I got out of class at 12pm for the day and would meet up at Wagoner dining hall for lunch. Usually we would arrive at the same time, but on that day she was late so I decided to sit on a bench outside and wait. I must have been deep in thought about something because I never heard him walk up behind me. I noticed someone sitting down at the other end of the bench and when I looked, there he was. He was dressed sloppy in a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, basketball shorts, and socks with Nike flip-flops. It was like he just rolled out of bed and came to eat. Gross! He didn’t say a word he when sat. He pretended to be reading the school newsletter that was available in the lobby of the dining hall. It was evident that he was still up to childish antics. Not wanting to feed into his behavior, I looked away sighing. I thought it was subtle, but apparently it was loud enough to get his attention.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Was this seat being saved for someone?”

Determined to play it cool, I didn’t even look over at him to respond. “Nope, just waiting on my friend to go eat.”

“I don’t think she’s going to make it, you can join me if you want?”

“She’s coming.” I said finally making eye contact with him. I hoped it was a way to tell him to go away. It didn’t work.

“Well, I have some free time, I’ll wait with you.”

“No, that’s not necessary, I’m fine.”

“Sure it is. You never know who can just walk up behind you without you even knowing it.”

I chuckled before I could catch myself and that was the fuel he needed to keep going.

“I’m Eric, by the way.”

“Cheryl.” I hoped my nervousness wasn’t visible to him. Out of all of the girls on campus, why did he pick me to annoy? And where was April? She was way late by this point and I needed her to rescue me.

“So, where are you fro-” He was mid-sentence when April finally showed up.

“Hey.” She said with a confused look on her face, looking back and forth at Eric and me. “Sorry I’m late. I had to talk to my professor.”

“It’s cool.” Eric quickly replied. “I was just keeping Cheryl company while she waited on you.”

April looked at me for confirmation and all I could do was give a slight smirk. There was a brief silence between us all and I felt like the pressure was on me to say something. “Well thanks for keeping me company”, I said to Eric as I stood up and put my book bag on.

“Anytime Cheryl, anytime.”

Finally, the pressure was off and April and I were off to eat lunch. I was relieved to get away from that bench and him. “I’ve never been so glad to see you! Of all days for you to be late.”

April just laughed. “Well it looks like it worked out to your advantage. Did you two exchange numbers?”

“What? No, we didn’t exchange numbers.”

April seemed pretty shocked by this. “Why not? It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him on the phone and possibly go out on a date. This is what the college experience is about.”

I had never thought of it like that. I didn’t know how to date anyone since Derrick. I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to try. “There really wasn’t time. We didn’t talk for that long.”

April seemed satisfied with my answer and left it alone. I was glad. I hadn’t told her about Derrick yet, so I knew she didn’t understand my hesitation about dating. Still, I didn’t want to feel pressure about going out with him. We ate our lunch talking about everything except Eric. I didn’t want to look around the dining hall and accidently meet eyes with him. So I did my best to look straight ahead and down at my plate. It seemed pretty silly that I was letting him have that much control over me, but what was I supposed to do? I started to think that maybe April was right. It wasn’t a bad idea to have a male friend to talk to and hang out with. Based on the few minutes I was around him, he didn’t seem that bad. Maybe he was a nice guy. I missed my opportunity though. Oh well, I thought with a sigh. If it’s meant to be, I figured we would cross paths again.

Originally, when I thought about us crossing paths, I imagined that I would be minding my business walking to class or looking for something in the library and boom, he would pop up. After a week, I got impatient waiting and started trying to put myself in places that I thought he might show up. I took different routes to my classes each day, spent extended time in the dining hall, and even went to the gym. They were all dead ends and I felt like such an idiot for going to such measures to see a guy I spent less than five minutes talking to. It was a Friday afternoon when I finally went back to my normal routine and stopped trying to accidently run into Eric. After classes and lunch, I decided to head back to my room for a nap. We had gone out the night before and I was pretty tired from having to get up for an 8am class. I was deep in sleep when the phone rang causing me to jump up. Feeling annoyed, I let it ring not wanting to climb down from the bunk and answer it. The caller called back three more times when I didn’t answer the first time and I was fuming that I had to get up. What was so important and why couldn’t they just leave a voicemail message? By the time I got down, the phone was ringing again. I snatched it off the base hoping that somehow the caller on the other end would hear it and feel my anger.