Something Had to Give (45 page)

"I know Craig can be an ass. I know that you and a lot of other people don't like him and I get why. No one really understands why I've stayed with him so long and I can't explain it. Its sounds cliché, but you love who you love. I'm committed to him and he's committed to me and that's all that matters."

I could think back to a time where hearing her say those thing would make my stomach turn. Times had changed and I found hope in those words. Jason and I hadn't gone through half of what they had gone through. I believed that we could get past our rough patch.

I called Jason daily. Sometimes I tried to get a hold of him several times a day. He was a pro at dodging my calls though. There were times I got so desperate that I would walk down the street to use a payphone to call him at work and somehow he still knew not to come to the phone. I was tempted to give up until I realized that he was at least letting the phone ring instead of immediately sending me to voicemail. That had to be progress. It took weeks, but I was finally able to get him on the phone. I had called the store during what must have been a busy time, too busy for him to remind staff to screen his calls.

"Hello, this is Jason."

"Jason?"

"What can I do for you Cheryl?" His voice was just as cold as the last time I had talked to him and to make matters worse, he was talking to me like I was a random customer, not his pregnant girlfriend.

"I was hoping we could talk. I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks" I was totally thrown off by his response, but I remained calm so that I wouldn't cause another fight.

"It's really not a good time. We're really busy."

"Okay. Well can we meet for lunch or after work and talk?"

"I'm not taking a lunch and I'm pretty busy after work."

"Well, maybe some other time then." By this time I couldn't hide my aggravation anymore.

"Yeah, maybe."

He hung up pushing a dagger deeper into my heart. I was done; totally done. As hard as it was, I accepted that I had to begin making plans for the kids and me and that Jason was not going to be a part of our lives. My parents offered to help me buy a townhome and I began the process of looking. I was extremely grateful to have their help and support, but still the thought of living alone with two young children scared me to death. As much as I tried to tell myself to stay positive, I found myself dwelling on it constantly. I was completely shocked at the person Jason had become. I knew he could get mad and stay that way for some time, but I never thought it would get the point of him taking it this far. He continued to pay for Brandon's daycare monthly, but that was the extent of his contact with us. Every doctor's appointment I hoped to see him there, but by the time I was half way through the pregnancy, that hope had faded.

∞∞∞

The day I was set to have an ultrasound of the baby should have been an exciting moment to share with Jason, but instead I sat in the doctor’s waiting room feeling alone. Shanna had offered to come into town, but I declined her offer. The only person I wanted there with me hated me and I didn't want to have to pretend like I was okay or excited. Just before the technician was set to begin the ultrasound, there was a knock at the door and the front desk receptionist poked her head in the room.

"Oh good, we caught you before you got started. Is there room in here for one more person?"

I was confused. Did Shanna surprise me and come down anyway? I wasn't sure who else it could it be. When the receptionist moved to the side, Jason walked in. Shock could not begin to describe how I felt. For a brief moment I felt a wave of happiness. I hoped it could be the start of reconciliation. That moment quickly dissipated when he greeted the technician but avoided eye contact with me. He refused to acknowledge me. When the technician told us that we were having a girl, we both smiled. Without even thinking about it, I turned to Jason and said, "Do you have your shotgun ready?" He kept his smile but didn't respond to me. It hurt and the rest of the appointment was incredibly awkward, but I had to find some silver lining in the fact that he was there for our child. We walked out together in silence. It felt insanely weird to feel like he was a stranger.

"I'm glad everything is okay with the baby, with her I mean." This was him breaking the ice as we reached my car. I'm around if you guys need anything."

"I'm not sure how I would let you know since you ignore all my phone calls."

"You can call me Cheryl. I'll be there for all of you if you need me." The irritation in his voice both surprised and annoyed me. He was responding as if I was lying.

"Whatever Jason. I've been making it without you all this time and I will continue to do so. You showing up to this appointment is nothing! I've been going through this pregnancy alone along with taking care of our son alone all because you want to have a four-month long tantrum. So you can go back to ignoring my phone calls and neglecting your family. We don't need you."

I was in the car before he could respond. There was so much more that I wanted to say. I was tempted to get back out the car to yell at him. I wanted so badly to unleash all the bottled up anger and frustration I had built up, but I was pretty sure if I got out the car I wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting physical with him. I couldn't let things go that far. I had to stop myself for the sake of my children. I sat in the car for I don't know how long trying to get myself together before going into work. As I sat there with my head buried in my hands, I was so startled by a light knock on my window that I both jumped and screamed. When I looked up it was Jason. Why was he still hanging around? I still didn't feel calm enough to talk to him or get out the car, so I just sat there staring at him.

"I just wanted to check on you to see if you are okay." He was forced to talk to me through the window.

"I'm great, thanks! I've been great for the past four months since you're asking." I was getting so angry that I slid my hands under my legs to keep myself from opening the door to get out and clobber him. I know he had to see how angry I was. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone?

"I know you are pissed at me and you have every right. Sorry doesn't even begin to fix the damage I have done, but I hope that once you calm down a little we can talk about things."

"Ok Jason, that sounds perfect." I responded in my most sarcastic passive aggressive voice. It was enough for him to get the hint and walk away.

Once I saw his car leave the parking lot, I took a deep breath and headed to work. I was sad but that was nothing new at that point. It had become my baseline. I tried to give myself a pep talk and tell myself that things would get better. I told myself that they had to get better. How else could they get any worse? I kept telling myself this, but in actuality, I didn't believe it at all. I was a mess the rest of the day, so much so, that Cat sent me home from work. I picked up Brandon early and took him to the park hoping it would wear him out for the night, but in actuality it ended up helping me. He was so innocent and oblivious to the mess his parents were going through. I couldn't help but smile at how happy he was with something as simple as swinging in the swing. That night I climbed in bed grateful for the short time that I felt better. As I closed my eyes, my phone rang. I figured it was Shanna or my parents, but feeling exhausted from the day, I decided not to answer, making a mental note to call them back in the morning. When the phone rang two more times after that, I begrudgingly reached over to grab it only to become more annoyed to see that it was a private number calling. No one in my family would call from a private number so I knew it had to be someone calling the wrong number. When they called the fourth time, I answered ready to rip someone a new one.

"HELLO." I was practically shouting hoping the idiot at the other end would realize they called the wrong person on the wrong day and would hang up, never to call again.

"Cheryl? I'm sorry to be calling so late. Did I wake you up?"

"Jason?" I had to check my phone caller ID once again.

"Yeah, it's Jason. I blocked my number because I didn't think you would answer if you saw my number come up."

"Oh."

My head was spinning making it impossible to form a thought let alone a better response. I had gone from not hearing from Jason in months to both seeing him and talking to him in the same day. It was overwhelming.

I don't know if it was the verbal lashing I gave Jason earlier that day or the ultrasound that made him come to his senses, but something did. That night we talked, acknowledging that we both were in the wrong and had done things to hurt each other. We also talked about how we were going to fix things for the sake of our family. I had no idea of where to even begin to fix the damage that had been done and neither did he. We agreed to take it day by day, knowing that it was going to be a long difficult road, but one that we had to commit to. When we finally got off the phone, I wanted to be happy and allow the feeling of relief to resonate, but I didn't feel like I could. For one, I wasn't sure that we could make our relationship work. During our conversation we made a promise to each other that there would be no more secrets, yet I was still keeping the truth about Brandon from him. How could we truly fix things and improve our relationship with that guilt constantly looming over me? Immediately, Jason pushed for Brandon and me to move back in with him. My mind told me it was too soon, that it was a bad idea, and that we needed to ease into things. My foolish heart told me to that there was no way I could tell him no and that if he needed us to move back in, I needed to agree. My parents were understandably concerned when I told them I was no longer looking for a place and moving back in with Jason. They didn’t say much, but it bothered me to think that they were looking at me to make the same toxic decisions Shanna had made over and over with Craig.

∞∞∞

It didn’t take long for the arguments to start. It was a constant debate over who hurt who the most. Things seemed bad and then they got worse when the silly arguments started. We fought when he didn’t put the toilet seat down. We fought when I forgot to wipe my makeup off the bathroom counter. The silly fights occurred on top of the other arguments and daily I wanted to pack my bags, grab my son and get as far away as possible. The only thing that kept me there was watching Jason and Brandon together. Hearing my son’s laughter when his dad played with him made the worse days a little more bearable. It was my job to make my son happy even if it meant I had to sacrifice my happiness.

I don’t know when it happened but things changed. It was hard to tell if things with Jason had gotten better or if we had both grown tired of all the fighting. Either way, I didn’t feel like we had worked through our issues. Sweeping them under the rug for the time being seemed to be our unspoken agreement and for a while, it worked. Often I would lie in bed while Jason stayed in the living room watching television and reminisce on the times when we actually enjoyed each other’s company. We could just sit together doing our own thing, not even carrying on a conversation and be perfectly content. It was a chore for us to be in the same room together unless it was necessary. Our longest conversations took place only when we had something to discuss about Brandon’s care and he made it a daily practice to stay in the living room watching television until after he believed I was asleep. Though the fighting had stopped, we weren’t working on being happy again, we weren’t living like a family, and we were living like roommates. It was hard to understand why Jason wanted us to be here. The fact that he probably wanted Brandon there and not me was a realization that was hard to stomach. Even harder to accept, was the fact that I needed him too. It was so much easier having help with Brandon versus trying to do it all on my own. So there it was; I had to grin and bear. What else could I do?

We decided to spend Thanksgiving with Jason’s family. Jason and I were under enough pressure and we didn’t need the added stress of being around my parents. They still weren’t exactly on board with us being back together. We were given the task of bringing dessert to the dinner and decided to make an apple and cherry pie from scratch. It was the first time we had to actually spend an extended time working on something together, which made me nervous at first. In no time, we were laughing and joking like we had never skipped a beat, while Brandon sat in the kitchen with us banging on pots with wooden spoons. It took forever and we were exhausted by the time we finished the pies, but it didn’t even bother us. It seemed like we had made a turn for the better or maybe it was just wishful thinking, but I wanted to hold on to some hope that we could find the love that we once had.

Things had gone so well the night before that I woke up Thanksgiving morning feeling the best I had felt in a long time. It was tradition for Jason’s family to have breakfast, so I was up early to get Brandon ready while Jason was still asleep. We were in his room playing, waiting for Jason to get up and ready when finally I heard him moving around. It was some time before he appeared at the doorway so I was shocked to see that he was still in pajamas.

“I don’t want to do this.”

“Well then I guess you can just go in your pajamas.” I was trying to be funny hoping that it would put an end to his grumpy demeanor.

“You know what I mean Cheryl. I don’t want to go at all.”

“Okay Jason; that’s fine. We can have breakfast here and then go over to your parents for dinner.” I was trying so hard to stay calm and hold on to the happiness we had found the night before.