Something Had to Give (44 page)

Jason stepped out to call my parents who were driving from Charlotte and to update his family who had gathered in the waiting room. As I nibbled on a sandwich, the nurse brought him over to me to hold. He weighed in at 6 lbs. 2 oz. and tiny. I managed a smile as she handed me my son. He was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and as I suspected, he was the spitting image of Eric. I couldn't stop the tears as I took of his hat and ran my fingers through his head of curly hair. I wanted his dad to be there to meet him. I was still in tears when Jason and his parents walked in. They assumed it was because the baby was healthy which worked to my advantage. I was nervous the whole time Jason held him thinking that he would immediately notice how much he looked like Eric. I was even more nervous when his mother held him. I held my breath as she looked over every detail of his face. The thing that made me nervous was how quiet she was. She was never quiet so I immediately began to think she knew something was off.

"Well I do believe you are the most perfect grandson a grandma could have." Her final verdict of him made me breathe the biggest sigh of relief.

My parents arrived to the hospital later in the day and doted over him along with Jason's parents while I tried my best to get some rest. My mind was racing in so many directions making it hard to relax. I couldn't believe that I was a mom and responsible for a perfect little being. I was also nervous about being out of work so soon since technically they didn't have to hold my position for me. Most of all I felt guilty. I watched Jason beam with pride over this child that he had been so excited for and I didn't know how I could ever tell him that it wasn't his son. I also didn't know how I couldn’t tell him.

Two days later I was discharged from the hospital and we took our son, Brandon, home. My parents had to head back to Charlotte, but Jason's mom all but jumped at the opportunity to stay with us to help out with the baby. I knew I needed help since Jason was not yet scheduled to be off work, but I was not at all thrilled to spend my days with his mom. She had been very overbearing in the hospital watching how everyone handled Brandon and my lack of sleep and frustrations with breastfeeding made it difficult to hold my tongue. I wanted Mommy to stay with me. She didn't have a job to get back to, but said she had obligations with her church group that she could not get out of. As I hugged her goodbye, I wanted to tell her how much I needed her and how much I wanted her to stay and help me. Something stopped me from doing so and instead I gave her a tight squeeze as I fought back tears.

Brandon cried the whole way home despite my attempts to talk, sing, or shush him. The more I tried, the louder he screamed. "Gosh, he hates me already."

"He's a baby honey. He just wants to be in his mama's arms, not a car seat. The first few days are hard, but trust me this will all be second nature in no time." Jason's mom was trying her best to be comforting. I just hoped what she was saying was true.

After being home with Brandon for just a few days, I found myself wondering constantly when it was going to get better. Brandon cried constantly and despite everything I tried, he would not sleep for longer than an hour. On top of dealing with Brandon, Jason's mom drove me absolutely crazy. She was constantly taking him from me the minute he started to cry and if she didn't take him, she would sit and watch me like a hawk. I felt like I was constantly under her microscope. Daily I fought the urge to tell her to go home and not come back. My breaking point came after being home exactly a week. I had been up every hour on the dot with Brandon, my breast were engorged from him falling asleep minutes after latching, and he would scream when I tried to wake him up to eat. I was in the living room so I wouldn't wake Jason up when his mom came storming out of the spare room and proceeded to take him from me.

"My goodness, I’ve been in there listening to him scream all night. Let grandma make him feel better."

The combination of her trying to yank my child from my arms and insinuating that she could make him feel better and I couldn't was enough to make me lose it. I turned so she couldn’t take Brandon and shouted at her, "I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY SON! Go back to bed and leave us alone."

I made my way into the nursery slamming the door behind me. I expected the ruckus to wake Jason up and make Brandon cry harder, but neither happened. My guess was that they both knew I had enough. I was able to nurse Brandon from one breast and pump from the other to relieve some pain and for the first time ever, he fell into what seemed like a peaceful slumber. I fell asleep on the recliner in the nursery with Brandon on my chest. When he began to stir, it was after 7 am and I realized that he had actually slept 3 hours. On the side table I noticed a can of formula on top of a note with Jason's handwriting that read:

The stores sell it for a reason. You are not a bad mom if you use it. Remember, happy mom = happy baby. Love you both.

-J

The note and gesture made me smile, especially since it meant he had gotten up and went to the store before going to work. I still felt like I owed it to my son to try and breastfeed him. I thought that since just a few hours ago, he latched perfectly that we were on to something, but that morning when I tried to feed him, it was back to the same screaming. Feeling defeated, I grabbed the can of formula and headed out the room.

Jason's mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and since the bottles were in there, there was no way to avoid her. Brandon's whining made her turn around and acknowledge us and as we made eye contact I didn't know how to address her. So I was glad that she broke the ice.

"Well good morning sleepy heads. I thought you two were going to sleep all day." Her lighthearted greeting was a relief.

"He slept 3 hours. I feel like a new person."

"I know you do. You both needed that. Jason left out early and got a couple of cans of formula, so I made a few bottles up for you. I hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all, thanks for doing that."

"It's no problem at all. That’s what I'm here for. I can feed him for you while you eat."

"Ok."

I handed Brandon over to her while I heated one of the bottles she made. He took the bottle and immediately began to gobble the contents. It was a relief to see him eating happily but I also felt a sense of sadness that I could not meet those needs for him. As I fixed my plate I had to smile as I listened to her talk to Brandon as she fed him. I felt bad for yelling at her earlier even though I felt like I was justified in doing so. She seemed to be past it though and I just hoped that it was the start of things getting better all the way around.

∞∞∞

Just as I had hoped, things did get better. I began to anticipate what Brandon was going to need before he got too worked up and day-by-day he became easier to manage. The day I was able to sit in the nursery feeding Brandon a bottle after sleeping four hours straight, I said to myself "I got this." It was a magical feeling. Before I had him, people would tell me how much he was going to change daily, but it was hard to believe until I experienced it. I kept hoping and wishing that somehow he would magically start to look like Jason or start to look like me. He continued to look just like Eric though. As he got older and began to keep his eyes open more and make faces, he looked more and more like him. There were times I would look at him and cry. Other times the guilt felt like it was going to consume me. I wanted to come clean, but when I saw Jason with him and his love for him, I would talk myself out it.

After being home with Brandon for 8 weeks I went back to work. I was glad that I still had a job after having to go out so soon after starting, but it was still hard leaving him. I knew that Jason being the only one bringing in income was hard on him and that I needed to do my part. Jason's mom agreed to keep Brandon until we were able to afford to send him to daycare. I knew she was familiar with him and could handle it, but I still had my reservations about the whole thing. Mainly, I felt like she would be able to hold it over our head that she was watching him for free and that we wouldn't be able to say much about how she cared for him. Our hands were pretty much tied though and I had to keep telling myself that I had to make the best of things for the time being.

My first day back was hard. I didn't get much sleep the night before with middle of the night feedings and overall anxiety over going back to work. My body was so used to being able to take naps during the day and not being able to, made the first day back rough. This was on top of missing Brandon like crazy, but I managed to only call twice to check on him. It took a few weeks for us to develop a routine where I got enough sleep at night to not feel like a zombie during the day. Jason's mom keeping him during the day also went way better than I expected. She respected and implemented any changes I asked of her for Brandon and never once did she throw it in our face that she was doing it all for free. My parents came to visit a few times and even surprised me once by bringing Shanna and Ingrid with them. Brandon was able to meet his cousin and for the first time and I was able to bond with Shanna about our motherhood experiences. When it hit me that things were going well, I was reluctant to celebrate and jinx myself.

Brandon had just turned six months old when I finally relaxed and let myself enjoy how everything had begun to fall into place. Jason and I were getting along great and despite the fact that it still haunted me that Brandon looked so much like Eric, we were a tight knit family. There was constant pressure from both our families to get married, which at certain times made him feel pressured.

"They've all got a point you know. Maybe we should start thinking about taking the next step." Jason’s mom had gone on for at least 15 minutes at a family dinner before his sister was able to get her to change the subject. Her rant had apparently had an effect on Jason.

"Things are fine the way they are Jason. We don't need to make that decision based off the opinions of others." I knew it made sense to get married, but the idea still frightened me. No matter how hard I tried to push down my feelings of guilt about Brandon, it still bothered me. It made it hard to think about taking vows before God to him knowing I was harboring such a huge secret.

"I know that, but you know we have our son and are already living together, why not make it legal."

"We will when it’s right for us. For right now, let's just continue to enjoy Brandon and life like it is."

It was the only time we discussed marriage. I tried to handle it as delicately as possible, but I felt like I had come across as never wanting to marry him. A part of me wanted to explain myself further to try and smooth things over. I didn’t know what to say though and to keep from further digging myself into a hole, I let it go.

It was yet another trip to Wal-Mart that once again changed my life. I was picking up items for the house while listening to Brandon babble and coo. Just as I was headed to get in line to check out I remembered that I need air fresheners. As I walked reading the aisle signs, I passed the one that read "Feminine Hygiene." Just as it had happened a year ago, I stopped dead in tracks. When was the last time I had bought tampons? I couldn't even remember. Just the possibility of another pregnancy was so sickening to me that before I could stop myself, I banged the handle to the cart and yelled "NO!" It was so loud that several people turned to glare at me, probably assuming I was yelling at my infant son. Brandon was wailing at that point and I just wanted to get out of there. I knew I needed to go ahead and pick up a pregnancy test, but I just couldn't. I couldn't make another pregnancy, a reality so soon.

For weeks to follow, I was a mess. My mind was constantly consumed with reasons why I couldn’t be pregnant again. I didn't want to go through another pregnancy. Being sick daily early during my pregnancy with Brandon had truly scarred me. Brandon was too young and I didn’t know how we would be manage with two children in diapers and two in daycare. It had just gotten to a point that we were able to put Brandon in daycare. I didn't know how we would be able to afford to add another to the bill. I prayed to God all day, everyday begging him to let my period show up. On a Saturday that I walked into Chic Fil a and the smell of the food cooking made me sick to my stomach, I immediately left in tears knowing that I could no longer avoid the truth. The three positive pregnancy tests that I took that day were a mere confirmation of what was already obvious. I knew I had no right to be sad or angry, but that was exactly how I felt.

I wasn't sure how far along I was and felt too distraught to sit and try and think back to when my last period was. My whole mood had changed and the more Jason asked what was wrong, the angrier I felt at him. In a way I blamed him. Why wasn't he more careful? It was totally unfair but it was the only way I could feel somewhat better about the situation. I needed to get into the doctor for prenatal care and more importantly, I needed to tell Jason. But how? I knew his reaction would probably be happy and positive which of course was the complete opposite of my mindset. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy and I didn’t think it would be fair to expect him to hide his happiness. It was a baby after all and there was no question as to whether it was his or not. It really wasn't as bad of a situation as I was making it out to be, yet I couldn’t find it in myself to do the things I needed to do.

My belly popped out a lot sooner than it had with Brandon. I wore loose shirts to try and hide it and thought I was doing a good job until one morning as I was getting dressed, Jason commented on my appearance.

"I guess what people say is right about you showing sooner with the second pregnancy, huh? We're going to have to pull those maternity close back out soon." He said all this in such a monotone voice that it was hard to tell if he was happy or upset.

"I was going to tell you Jason."

"Oh really? When exactly were you going to tell me, when you couldn't find shirts big enough to hide it or when you were in labor?"

“You know I wasn't going to wait that long Jason. I just didn't know how to tell you." If there was a question as to whether he was upset, I had my answer. I was in the wrong and there really was no way to justify it.

"Oh that's funny because from my experience I'm pregnant usually works pretty well."

"You're right, I'm sor--"

He was gone before I could get my apology out and I immediately felt terrible. I was tempted to call out of work but decided against it knowing I was going to need all the personal time I could get. It was impossible to concentrate on anything that day at work. I had tried to call Jason several times during the day, but each time I was sent straight to voicemail. I spent the whole day trying to think of ways to fix the mess I had made. Jason was the type that when he got mad, he really got mad and only time would calm him down. The last thing I wanted or needed was us not speaking to each other, but I knew that was likely how it was going to be. It was one time I wished "I'm sorry" would be enough. Since it wasn't I knew I would have to come up with something better to gain his forgiveness.

"I set a doctor’s appointment for Friday morning at 9. Can you make it?" This was my attempt to begin an amends with Jason. He had not said a word to me or even looked at me all week and it was killing me.

"I'm opening the store that day, I can't"

"No one can switch with you?"

"Nope."

"Okay, well then I will reschedule for a day when you're off or going in late."

"What for Cheryl? You obviously don't want me to be a part of this pregnancy!"

"That is not true! You are being way too dramatic. Yes, I was wrong for not telling you and I am sorry. You know I want you to be a part of this."

"I'm sure you can handle going to the doctor alone. This is not your first rodeo."

"Really Jason? How old are you? This is how you are going to act?"

"Yeah, this is exactly how I'm going to act."

I had really messed up and I couldn't think of any way to fix it. So all I could do was wait it out. I knew Jason was irate with me, but I expected that he would still be there for the baby. But, as I sat there in the doctor's office alone watching everyone that came in the door, I realized that was not going to be the case. During the appointment, I was given an expected due date of February 20, after having an ultrasound. The baby was moving its arms during the ultrasound and all I could think about was how much Jason would have loved to see that happen. I forced myself to smile as person after person congratulated me, but I felt completely drained and alone. I told myself that things had to get better, but I didn't know if they could.

After my appointment I stopped by the store on the way to work to pick up a card for Jason. Later that day I wrote him a heartfelt letter once again apologizing and included the ultrasound picture. I thought for sure that it would tug at his heart strings. I felt anxious the whole day to get home to give it to him. Despite it being Jason's early day, he was not there when Brandon and I got home. When he wasn't home for dinner, I called several times. I text him as a last resort to let him know I was worried and just wanted to know he was ok. It was then that I got a response that he was at his mom's. I heard him come home late that evening and though I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see his face when he opened, the card, I was still optimistic as I lay in bed, that it would be the key to softening him up.

The next day was another early day for Jason and he was up and out the door before my alarm went off. There were no words to express my disappointment when I went out the room to get Brandon from the nursery and saw the card still sitting on the coffee table where I left it, unopened. I was so furious that I could feel myself shaking. Instead of going to get Brandon, I doubled back to my room to get my phone and called Jason.

"Hello."

"I left a card for you on the coffee table last night, maybe you didn’t see it." I could barely get the words out from shaking so hard.

"No, I saw it. I just wasn't interested in reading it." His voice was so cold. Who was this person I was talking to?

"You ASSHOLE! I can't believe you are being this childish. I have apologized over and over. What else do you want?" I was livid. I knew I had been in the wrong, but did he really have to carry on like this?

"I don't want anything."

"You don’t want anything? Fine! Why don't I take my son and leave since you don't want anything."

I hung up the phone sobbing. I just couldn't believe what we had come to. I didn't know anyone in Chattanooga besides the people I worked with and didn’t have a clue of where I could go. I had to come up with something quick though. There was no way we could go on living in a home with tension and silence. It wasn't fair to Brandon or us. I ended up calling into work and after dropping Brandon off at daycare, I went to the library with my laptop and began looking up apartments. I quickly became overwhelmed trying to find a place that would let us move in right away that was affordable. I began to think that we were going to be in a hotel. After two hours of unproductive phone calls, I slammed my laptop closed. As a last resort, I geared up to call my parents to tell them that Brandon and I were coming to stay with them for a while. It was a phone call I dreaded. There would be questions I wouldn't want to answer and disappointment I didn't want to face. There was a sense of relief when I wasn’t able to get a hold of my parents. I didn't leave any details on their voicemail, but asked for them to call me right away. Even though I was not able to get a hold of them, I still decided to head home to begin packing.

Before going home, I stopped by my job to tell my director the unfortunate news that I had to quit and immediately move back to Charlotte. Everyone at the House loved my director, Cat. She was a hippie and was what I considered to be a free spirit with a big heart. She had the perfect personality needed to run the House. I hoped that her usual compassionate demeanor would allow her to see how dire my situation was and that she would understand. I could barely get a sentence out before I had a breakdown in her office. Without having to give her much detail, she unexpectedly demanded for Brandon and I to come and stay with her until I was able to get a solid plan in place. It was an incredibly generous gesture, but I was hesitant since I didn't want to impose on her. It made sense though since I was doing all this on a whim, so I agreed to not knowing how it was going to work out, but knowing that for the time being, I needed to make it work.

That day, I left the home I had shared with Jason with nothing but our clothes and essential baby items. The whole morning I kept my phone in my pocket expecting for Jason to call. When that didn't happen, I created a scenario in my head where he showed up to the house and stopped me from leaving. By the time the car was loaded with our bags, I had to accept that he was not coming. Either he didn't believe that I was taking Brandon and leaving or he was just that fed up that he didn't care. I wasn’t sure which it was, but it made it that much harder to leave. I sat in the parking lot for some time trying to process everything that happened since that morning. It felt like in a blink of an eye my family had been ripped apart, but why? Why did it get to that point? I was wrong, I admitted I was in the wrong, and had apologized profusely. I truly believed that the punishment did not fit the crime. Jason had to see that. I had to hold on to hope that one day, hopefully sooner than later, he would realize that he was taking things too far and want his family back.

Brandon and I settled into Cat's basement, which was a huge finished space that had two bedrooms and living room area. She traveled extensively for work leaving Brandon and I there alone most of the time. In exchange for staying there, all Cat asked of us was to care for her cats while she was out of town. When I agreed to move in, I didn't realize that she had cats. As I was unloading my car, one darted out from a bush outside her house scaring me half to death. Inside, there were 2 more that ran from me. There was one however, an evil black one, that watched my every move and hissed at me when I got too close. I had never been a fan of cats, but I told myself that I could learn to tolerate living in the same home with them by avoiding them. Having to get close enough to them to feed them was daunting initially, but with time we got used to each other and learned to respect each other's space. I missed Jason like crazy. I missed going home to him after work and telling him about my day. I missed having help with Brandon. I missed going to bed at night in the same home with my family. As much as I tried to stay positive, it still sucked.

Shanna and I had grown closer, which was one of the few good things that had come from the whole fiasco. The day I moved, Mommy was the first of my parents to return my phone call. There was so much chaos that day that by the time I got her on the phone, I didn't have the energy to get into all the details of what was going on. After giving her a brief rundown, she didn't have much to say, which was what I expected from her. I knew she wanted to be supportive; she just wasn’t good in difficult situations. In true Mommy fashion, she ended the phone call with, "I'm here if you need me." It wasn't long after I hung up the phone with Mommy that Shanna called. Shanna rarely called. As soon as I saw that it was her calling, it was a no-brainer that Mommy had called her and told her to call me. For weeks I needed someone to talk to, so her phone call was right on time. We talked every day from that initial phone call. She was truly instrumental in my ability to stay strong. She had been through so much hell with Craig and for years I could never understand how or why she put up with it. The fact that she was still with him was mind blowing to me. It took me going through my own awful situation with Jason to get it.