“Sorry,” William said, thinking again of the T-shirt idea. “Uh, do you need any help?”
Kelly stood in front of the toilet, considering it. “Just take this one,” he held out a crutch. “Thanks. Does this gross you out?”
“No!” William pressed his back against the wall. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Shouldn’t you sit?”
Kelly shook his head. “I may have lost a leg, but I’m still a man.” He fumbled with the elastic band of his shorts.
William averted his eyes, wondering if this was going to be a new routine until Kelly adjusted to his situation. When the toilet flushed and his shorts were pulled back up, Kelly turned to face him. “Not the most romantic place for it, but at least we have privacy.”
“Huh?”
“A kiss would be nice.” Kelly swallowed. “Unless you don’t want to. I totally understand. I’m a mutant now.”
“You’re not!” William said, moving forward, “And I do. It’s just… I don’t feel like I deserve to kiss you. Not anymore.”
“Would you please stop with the guilt stuff?” Kelly said. “I’m tired of it.”
“Sorry.”
“And the apologies too.”
William swallowed. “I know we’ve already talked about this, but I need to make sure. You know this is my fault, right? You remember me telling you about how I intentionally—”
“Sent us spiraling into traffic?” Kelly shook his head. “You didn’t mean for us to be in an accident.”
“No, but—”
“We were both arguing when we shouldn’t have been,” Kelly said. “It’s not your fault.”
William clenched his jaw. He was frustrated, unable to get the person he had most wronged to accept the truth.
“I want to get back to normal,” Kelly said. “Please. I’ve got enough to deal with without us being broken too. Does that make sense?”
William nodded. “I guess so.”
“Good, now unless you find me repulsive—”
William silenced him with a kiss. Whatever Kelly wanted—whatever he needed—that’s who William would become. In many ways he had taken a life. Now he would give up his own.
_________
Part Two
Austin, 2009
_________
Chapter Ten
Don’t turn the wheel. No matter what, don’t turn the wheel. My eyes are on the road ahead, my palms drenched with sweat. I’m tempted to lift them one at a time and wipe them on my jeans, but that could mean losing control of the vehicle. From next to me, I hear a voice shouting endlessly. The words are nonsense but the underlying anger is unmistakable. I keep my attention forward, making sure the car remains between two lines, one solid, the other broken. Then the shouting becomes a scream, my passenger in pain, and I can’t help it. I look over and see a zombie version of the person I love—arms and legs missing as blood pours from Kelly’s eyes. My hands move instinctively. Turning. The car careens to the side and the screams become a high-pitched whine. I look up just in time to see a monstrous truck bearing down before it crushes us beneath impossibly huge tires.
William shot awake, the sheets around him hot and damp. He sucked in air, trying to fight against the adrenaline and fear. Just the dream again. How many times this week alone? Nearly a year later and it still haunted him. Like a ritual, he used the dim light of morning to make sure Kelly was sleeping safely beside him. Then he settled down again and tried to calm himself.
Eventually he rolled over to his side, staring at a room that wasn’t his own. It wasn’t even Kelly’s. Despite mastering the use of his crutches and no longer struggling with stairs, Kelly still occupied the downstairs bedroom. William had all but moved in because Kelly didn’t like to sleep alone. Considering how useless William felt these days, at least he could provide that service. His attention drifted to the nightstand, the rescue helicopter Transformer standing there in robot mode and reminding him of happier times. He toyed with the blades hanging off one arm. When he heard Kelly stir, he pushed up into a sitting position.
“Are you okay?”
Kelly raised an eyebrow, as if this was the stupidest question imaginable. William supposed it was. Things had only gotten worse. His theory about the painkillers had proven true. At first Kelly was okay without them, trying his best to make a full recovery. For a brief period, Kelly had been drug-free and wearing a prosthetic leg. Back on his own two feet, both literally and figuratively. That hadn’t lasted long. Kelly despised the prosthetic, which was now gathering dust in the closet. He had also been caught with a prescription stolen from Bonnie’s house. That had landed him in therapy, which he still went to regularly. Not that it seemed to help because—
“Stop staring at me,” Kelly said, pulling the sheets over his head. “If you’re horny, go jack off in the shower.”
“Wanna watch?” William offered. He wasn’t in the mood, but flirting tended to cheer Kelly up and might circumvent another bad mood.
“There’s a mirror in there if you’re looking for an audience,” Kelly grumbled. “That’s what you like to do, right?”
William didn’t respond, amazed at what Kelly used against him these days, but then he supposed he had it coming. He rose and went to the shower, only touching himself to wash while visualizing the days to come. The weekend was here, meaning he would make himself scarce to avoid Kelly’s family. Good thing he had to work. William had taken a part-time job at Juicy James, a Western-themed juice bar at the mall, to both earn money and get away from… everything.
When he returned to the bedroom, he found Kelly sitting on the edge of the mattress, naked except for the sheet draped over his waist. That meant his stump was in full view. William was used to seeing it these days. He didn’t mind. He liked to think that if Kelly had only been born with one leg and they had met that way, William still would have found him attractive. The amputation’s appearance was fine. The way it made guilt gnaw at his stomach wasn’t.
“I think I’ll head out for a swim,” William tried.
Kelly shook his head. “Mom’s making omelets. You don’t want to miss out.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Kelly rose and went to get ready. William dressed, made the bed, and then waited, not wanting to leave the room. He tended to be treated worse when Kelly wasn’t around. When he heard a light knock on the door, he didn’t answer. Let whoever it was assume they were in the shower.
Only after Kelly was dressed did they leave the room together. Royal was already eating at the table. William did okay with him these days, having bribed Kelly’s younger brother with enough presents to earn his forgiveness. Kelly’s father, Doug, wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t warm either. It was his wife—
“Sit down. You’re in the way.”
Laisha pushed past him to deliver a plate to her husband. William made sure to be elsewhere on her return. He took a seat next to Kelly, not surprised when he was the last to be served, or that his omelet was not only smaller but the only one lacking tomatoes. He took such things in stride, thankful she didn’t poison his food.
“This looks great,” he said, the compliment falling on deaf ears. As did his next request. “Could you pass the salt, please?”
Royal was playing a handheld video game. Laisha and Doug didn’t look up from their plates, so Kelly grabbed his crutches and stood. This got their attention.
“Did you need something, honey?” Laisha asked.
Kelly didn’t answer. He went to the kitchen and opened a cupboard. When he returned, he had a small container under one arm. He placed this in front of William. Salt. “There you go,” he said. “Sorry my family is so rude.”
Kelly shot him a playful smile as he sat down. William struggled to hold back laughter. Little gestures like these kept him going, breaks in the clouds that made him hopeful the storm would blow over completely one day. The rest of the meal passed without incident. Conversation was minimal, and even though Doug insisted he didn’t need it, William helped clear the table and load the dishwasher. Then he changed into his work clothes and went to find Kelly, who was on the living room couch.
“What do you want to do today?” William asked him. “I have to work—”
“I noticed,” Kelly said, making a face at the red and white checkered shirt. “Where’s the cowboy hat?”
“I forgot it at work.”
“Thank goodness for that.”
“Anyway, it’s just a four-hour shift, so maybe afterwards—”
“I have therapy,” Kelly replied.
“Okay. After that then. We could…”
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “What?”
Cruise around in the car? Neither of them drove anymore, meaning they had to bum a ride from someone else, usually Kelly’s parents. William wasn’t crazy about being a passenger, feeling nervous whenever in a car. Instead he rode his bike, but they couldn’t share that. Athletic activities were out of the question. Kelly refused to try swimming or anything similar, even though the world was full of amputees who embraced every sport imaginable. Kelly let his missing limb ruin any potential joy. Once William had taken him to an animal shelter, hoping a pet would help bring a smile to Kelly’s face.
“How am I supposed to walk a dog?” he had said. “A big one will drag me down the street, and a small one will get its leash tangled up in my crutches.” And when they had moved on to the cats: “I’m not going to make my mom scoop the litter box just because I can’t get down on my knees.”
William had offered to do the scooping, but it didn’t matter. Kelly always found an another excuse, another reason not to be happy.
“We could go shopping,” he suggested finally. “Or catch a movie.”
“Do you really want to spend more time at the mall? Besides, that place reminds me of Jared. That’s all we ever did.”
William stood there, helpless. “I don’t have any other ideas. Sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Kelly said easily.
William didn’t agree, but he had learned not to argue. Instead he kissed Kelly goodbye, still feeling trapped even after escaping the house.
* * * * *
“Howdy, partner! Are you looking to wet your whistle?”
Customers visiting the Juicy James counter either smiled when William said this, or treated him like he was an idiot. The doofy greeting was required by the owners, who lived out of state and had a very skewed idea of what Texas was actually like. William didn’t mind. He found the various reactions amusing. He had kept tally one day, adding a third category for the few customers who reacted with pity. His personal opinion was that people shouldn’t take themselves so seriously. Sometimes he even mixed things up, just to keep himself entertained. “Welcome to the smoothie saloon, what can I getcha?” or “The sheriff has outlawed thirst in this here town!” This made his coworkers roll their eyes, but inventing ridiculous variations helped pass the time. He wasn’t the only one fond of catch phrases.
“This job sucks.”
William barely spared a glance for his coworker, Jade, whose bad attitude had only gotten worse during the three weeks of her employment. He had enough negativity to deal with at home, and her complaining seemed especially crass considering they had a customer standing there and waiting for an order. William had one hand on the blender, still waiting for the bananas he had asked for. Jade had retrieved them from the freezer, but not when he had originally pointed out that they were low. That meant the bananas hadn’t had time to thaw and were much harder to peel. After watching Jade hammer one against the counter, he moved to take over.
Jade stepped aside, but only enough to watch him work. “Seriously,” she said. “I don’t know how you stand it. I get nauseous when I smell fruit now. My mom poured orange juice this morning and I nearly hurled.”
“Coming right up!” William said to the customer, flashing his best smile.
“This job sucks so hard. I don’t know how you stand it.”
“It’s better than standing in front of a greasy fry vat all day,” William said. “At least we’re providing people with healthy food.”
Jade didn’t hide how repugnant she found this optimism. She seemed to thrive on negativity. Jaded Jade. William wondered if the name was intentional, because it sure wasn’t her real one. He had seen her paycheck, which was written out to Molly Dortch. A far cry from the image she tried to project with the tattoo sleeves and numerous piercings. And that fake name.
“I think I’m going to—”
William started the blender so he wouldn’t have to hear more, thanking the customer for their patience when handing them their order. Then he braced himself, counting under his breath. He made it to four.
“I think I’m going to quit.”
“Maybe you should,” William said before he could help himself. “You don’t seem very happy here.”
Molly…
Jade
, wasn’t fazed by his advice. “The shoe place downstairs is hiring. At least they play good music. I should probably apply there before quitting, huh?”
“Maybe,” William said, desperately hoping they would hire her away. “Then again, if they see you already have a job, they might not think you’re serious about needing one.”
Jade squinted. “You think so?”
“Sure,” William said, turning to clean up. “Better hurry though. Those shoe jobs go quick!”
“I could quit now,” Jade said. When he turned around again, he saw her hands on her apron, ready to throw it off. “Still an hour left in our shift though.”
“I’ll be okay,” William said. “Do what’s best for you.”
Jade’s eyes caught fire. Then something really exceptional happened. She looked happy. “Okay! It’s official. I quit! Tell our bitch of a manager that—”
“I’ll even call her for you,” William said.
His coworker took off her apron, grabbed her things from the backroom, and rode off into the sunset, never to be seen again. He hoped. Once she had disappeared down the mall corridor, he breathed out a sigh of relief. Then he considered the food court, which for a Saturday night, was mostly empty. This place was his sanctuary. He and Kelly shared most classes. They had arranged it that way at school so William could help him if need be. They lived together, which meant constantly having to suffer barbs from Kelly’s mother or go out of his way to avoid her and everyone else when he needed privacy. He rarely got any. The only time he had alone was when he used the bathroom, and not always then. Here at least he could forget about it all, even if he was still at the beck and call of customers. Blending fruit into a smoothie was easy. Trying to figure out how to put a broken life back together was impossible, as far as he could tell.
A group of girls walked by, all of them his own age. One noticed him staring, nudged her friend, and then whispered something. This set off a chorus of giggling. William smiled back, not caring if the joke was at his expense. He envied them and what their days entailed. School work, unrequited crushes, and the occasional social drama that went no deeper than what someone had said about someone else behind their back. At times he could imagine running away and entering into some witness protection program just so he could have a normal life again. He saw two teenagers at a table, one showing the other something lewd on his phone. Not far from them, a group of sophomores from his school were pooling their cash and glancing around at the options, trying to figure out how to get the most for their money. Easy simple problems that he yearned to somehow find his way back to.
The Coast Guard. He had once hoped it could fix him. Now he did so again, albeit in a different way. He couldn’t go. Not as things stood. Not without breaking his promise to Kelly. William had sworn to stay by his side, despite it not doing a lot of good. Maybe he was looking at the situation from the wrong angle. William no longer made Kelly happy, but what if someone else could? He pulled out his phone to check the calendar. The next gay youth meeting was the following weekend. That meant another chance for someone new to show up. A fiery guy who could keep up with Kelly and motivate him to stop feeling so sorry for himself. If such a person was out there, William prayed that he would speed his arrival.