Something Like This (Secrets) (13 page)

Shaking, I swallowed and did my best to control my desire to cling to him. He didn’t want me. I had to accept it.

“I don’t have a child,” I said. “I lied to you.”

“What?”

“That day at the paint store when I told you I had a kid. I lied.”

“Because you wanted to hurt me?”

“Yes. Did I?”

“Live your life. Live it freely. Don’t let your parents haunt your path. It’s your life. Don’t let us ruin it.”

“You already did.” I could hardly breathe, I was crying so hard. “She’s dead. She got sick and died. She abandoned me just like you did.”

“I wasn’t there, but I didn’t abandon you. I watched you from afar. I was at your high school graduation. I stood all the way in the back. At one point I was sure you had spotted me. And when you would take the bus to church, I was around the corner. I’d wait for you behind a tree and you’d step off the bus wearing a beautiful dress, a big smile on your face. You looked so happy and so ready to take on the world.”

“I was fourteen and Mami thought I was old enough to take the bus.”

His words were hurting me and I prayed I would pass out and wake up in some other place.

“It wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t enough,” I said.

“Live your life. Forget about me. There is no redemption for me.”

“Do you even care that she died? I was there when she took her last breath. I comforted her. And no one was there to comfort me.”

“I loved her. There was a time when I loved her more than anything in the world.”

“But, then, you stopped loving her, like you stopped loving me.”

“I never stopped loving you. I’m not a good person, but I never stopped loving you.”

Choking on my tears, I said, “Adios, Papi.”

Slowly, I took one step and then another. I wanted to scream and pull my hair out. Nothing had happened as I had imagined it.
Nothing
. And now I found myself more lost than ever.

Reece came to my mind. I wanted to see him so badly, to melt into his arms and feel his kisses on my skin. I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay because it was us against the world and that nothing, no one, could ever tear us apart.

As I walked, tears streaming down my face, I hoped that Reece would suddenly show up and scoop me up into his arms. But then a dreadful reality hit me in the gut.

I loved Reece with all my heart. But I knew I’d eventually find a way to kill our love. Because I wasn’t free. I carried with me a lot of weight. And that weight would crush us both, unless I found a way to unburden myself. Finding my father was the first step. Telling Reece about my father was the second step. Confronting my father was the third step. But, the hardest step was still in front of me:
forgiveness
.

By forgiving my father, I could free myself from my past, my pain, and everything that made me hesitate to fully embrace life. But I wasn’t ready.

I crossed the street and instead of walking in the direction of my building, I walked toward the cathedral. I needed the comfort of a peaceful and quiet environment.

––––––––

O
nce inside the cathedral, I lit a candle and prayed for myself and my father. Looking up at the ceiling, I whispered, “He’s wrong. He
is
a good person. He’s just needs to find his way. Please help him. Please help me.”

At that moment, I believed in God. At that moment, I needed to believe in him.

I sat down on a bench and put my face in my hands. I realized I was late for work, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I feared Mr. Walker would sense something was wrong and press me for an answer. I also didn’t want to see Tom. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. I knew I couldn’t trust him, but something about him interested me. I couldn’t deny it. Maybe it was that he was flawed just like me. He was hiding something, just like me.

The minutes passed and I remained in the cathedral. An older woman with long curly gray hair entered and smiled at me as she walked toward the candles. I noticed she was limping, but didn’t have a cane.

I wondered what burdens she carried on her shoulders. For whom was she lighting a candle?

Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice someone sitting next to me.

“I saw you come in here.”

It was Mr. Walker. He must have seen me from his office window.

I sighed. “I should have called you.”

“It’s okay. But, I thought I should come and check on you. You all right?”

“I’m fine. I just needed to come in here for a few minutes.”

“You don’t look all right. You’ve been crying.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Tell you what. Stay as long as you want and then go home.”

Sniffling, I said, “I have some manuscripts to review.”

“They will still be there tomorrow. I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with my nephew.”

“No.” My cheeks were burning and I knew I was blushing.

“Okay, well, let me know if you need anything. Otherwise, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

I nodded.

“You’re a good kid.”

“How do you know?”

“I can tell.”

“Thank you for hiring me.”

“Other way around, kid.”

“What do you mean?”

“Thank you for accepting the job.”

“Mr. Walker?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you hire me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I never finished college. I’ve never worked in an office. I don’t have any publishing experience.”

He took a deep breath. “I got over five hundred resumes. They were all the same. College degrees, internships at publishing houses or literary agencies, and a long list of favorite authors and literary magazines. Yours was different. I wondered why you had applied for a job for which you had no experience. I almost threw your resume away. But, I decided to keep it.”

“Why did you keep it?”

He crossed his legs. “Because I was intrigued. I wanted to meet you. I wanted to meet the person who had applied for a position she had no business applying for. And when you came in for an interview, you seemed nervous, but you shook my hand and looked me straight in the eyes, introduced yourself, and asked if you could have a seat.”

I had been more than nervous. I almost didn’t walk through his door.

“And that’s why you hired me?”

“I hired you because you were hungry. I could tell you wanted more. And because you were honest. You told me who you were and what your previous jobs had been and you did so without apologizing. And then you waited. You patiently waited for me to respond.”

He had sat across from me, elbows on his desk, wrinkled forehead, and stared at me. He didn’t say anything for a long time.

I sighed. “When you finally said something, all you said was
thank you for coming in, we’ll be in touch.
”

He cleared his throat. “All of the other candidates expected me to hire them. They had experience. They had degrees. They were smart and they knew it. You were different.”

“I wasn’t smart?”

He laughed. “That’s not what I meant. You didn’t know how smart you were, are. I wanted to give you a chance. I knew I was taking a risk with you. Someone once took a chance on me. I will never forget that person.”

I smiled. “Thank you. I hope I don’t let you down.”

“I expect to see you in the office tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir.”

After Mr. Walker left, I sat on that bench, watching people come in and out for two hours. I didn’t speak to anyone and no one spoke to me. When I finally stood up to leave, I knew what I had to do.

Standing on the sidewalk outside of the cathedral, I called Reece. My hand was shaking. My entire body was trembling.

“Hello,” he said.

I couldn’t speak.

“Hello, Jadie, you there?”

I forced the words out of my mouth. “I’m here.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t be with you, I’m sorry.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I love you, but I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone.” My heart broke out of my chest and landed hard on the pavement.

“Tell me where you are. I’ll come get you.”

“I’ve made up my mind. I’m so sorry. I’m screwed up.”

“You don’t mean this. What happened today? Tell me where you are. I’ll come get you.”

“I saw my father. He doesn’t want me in his life.”

“Stay put. I’ll come and get you. You at work? I’m on my way.”

“It’s over.” I hung up.

I screamed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

It was done. I had killed my relationship with Reece. Now I could go back to my real life and stop pretending that I’d ever had a chance at a happy one. Here’s the thing about screwed up people like me. We never seem to get it. We think that if we can get out there and give it a go, give it our all, that somehow whatever messed us up in the first place will go away and never bother us again. I tried, I really did. I didn’t ask for this. It was handed to me on a screwed-up silver platter. And I had no choice but to take that damn platter and eat everything on it.

Reece deserved better than me. I could only offer him glimpses of happiness because no matter how much I smiled and how much I laughed when I was him, darkness surrounded me. Darkness was always there, waiting to attack me at any given moment and I wasn’t strong enough to keep it at bay. Reece was sweet and decent and good and beautiful. He needed to be with someone who was free of shadows and secrets and ghosts, someone who could walk by his side with a genuine smile, a light and burden-free soul. I was not that person.

The church bell rang, announcing that it was noon. As the clock rang twelve times, its sound nearly brought me to my knees, it was so haunting and so magical.

Once the ringing stopped, I wiped my face clean of tears with my hand, straightened my back and started my new journey: straight to a bar stool.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked.

I released a long sigh. “A new life.”

He grinned. “Never heard of a drink by that name.”

“In that case, a glass of red wine will do.”

“Now that, I can get you. But, before I do, I need to see your ID.”

“Yep, yep,” I said, reaching into my purse for my wallet.

I showed him my driver’s license.

Looking at it for more than a few seconds he said, “You have a serious baby face.”

“So do you. Are you sure you’re old enough to work here?”

“I’m twenty-five, so yeah, I’m old enough.” He placed a glass of wine in front of me.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Elliot.”

I raised my glass. “Here’s to you, Elliot the bartender.”

“Why raise a glass to me?”

“Why not?” I downed the entire glass in seconds.

“Here to drown your sorrows, huh?”

“I suppose I am, Elliot the bartender. I suppose I am.”

“You can just call me Elliot.”

I spun around on the stool. “Okay, Elliot the bartender, I’ll have another.”

I was feeling stubborn and for some odd reason, I had chosen to pick a fight with a bartender.

He placed a second glass of wine on the bar. “What’s your name?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“You asked me what my name was.”

“It’s Jadie.”

“Nice to meet you, Jadie.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too, Elliot, the...” I caught myself and decided to stop being such a jerk. It wasn’t his fault my father didn’t love me. It wasn’t his fault I had broken up with my boyfriend. It wasn’t his fault my mother was dead. My life was shit, pure and simple. I was a damn page out of a soap opera script.

Emptying my second glass of wine, I said, “Look at that lady at the end of the bar. Bet she’s here because she’s sad. Something bad must have happened and now she’s in here, having a drink. Why else would she be here, alone, in the middle of the day?”

“You having a bad day?” he asked.

“A pretty fucked up day, actually. Sorry about that, I don’t usually curse.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Sorry about what? That I’m having a bad day or that I don’t curse often?”

“Both, actually.”

“You’re funny,” I said.

“And you’re pretty.”

“Thanks, but I just broke up with my boyfriend.”

He leaned over the counter. “What does that have to do with you being pretty?”

I swallowed. “Guess nothing.”

“Can I get you anything else?”

“You trying to get rid of me?”

“Quite the opposite,” he said with a wink.

“What’s the wink for? I see people wink at people at work during meetings and I never know why they’re winking at each other,” I said.

“Well, I don’t know why your coworkers are winking at each other, but I do know why I winked at you.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I like you. And I’m enjoying your company.”

“Let me guess, you’re also hoping to get lucky, right?”

“Wrong. Your boyfriend must have done a number on you.”

“You don’t know shit about my boyfriend.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.”

I took in a deep breath, the kind you inhale when you’re trying to stall. I wished I could hold my breath forever and stall my life, permanently.

Sitting up straight on the bar stool, I finally exhaled. “I’ll have another glass of wine.”

His brown eyes stared me down. “You sure?”

“You cutting me off after two glasses?”

“Another one, coming right up,” he said, reaching for a glass.

I sipped the third one slowly. I was definitely more than a little tipsy and truly should have stopped at two. But I let myself indulge because I needed to forget, if even for just a couple of hours, about Reece and my father.

The lady at the end of the bar looked my way. “Why aren’t you at work or school, sweetie?”

“Not that’s any of your business, but I’m taking the day off from work, because like I told Elliot here, I’ve had a pretty fucked up day.”

“And it’s not even one yet,” she said.

“I’m sure it’s going to get even more fucked up from here on out,” I said.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not having such a great day either.”

“Oh yeah, what happened to you?”