Something to Believe In (The Renegade Saints Book 4) (14 page)

“If she knew what?” I asked.

She looked away and rubbed her hand across her forehead.

“My sister came to college in New York so she could be with me and Dusty. She lived in a dorm, but she was around as much as she could be. She and I spent a lot of time with Dusty trying to perk him up. My sister’s boyfriend, Ryder, who’s now her husband, would drive up from Harmony all the time to help too. We all tried—but Dusty only wanted my mom to pay attention. He told her he was depressed and that if she didn’t spend some time with him, he was going to end it all. She saw it as just another cry for attention. In her defense, my dad threatened to kill himself hundreds, if not thousands, of times before he did it. Dusty’s behavior was off the rails, and instead of dealing with it or trying something new, Mom and James went off to Europe on a shopping trip.”

She paused, smacking her hand against her leg. “A fucking shopping trip! Like anyone gave two shits about antiques or clothes. She just wanted to escape my brother. She didn’t care that she was leaving him in crisis—she just went. The next day…”

The silence was deafening as I waited for her to tell me what happened.

“The next day I came home from school and found he’d let himself into the apartment. He hung himself from the stairs.”

I felt sick to my core and I was fighting the urge to start screaming about what a goddamn selfish cunt her mother was. No matter what excuses were made, that bitch had let her children down. I didn’t even know her and I already hated her.

“You were alone?” I questioned tersely.

She nodded. “Violet was staying with me while my mom was in Europe, but she was at school. I called her and she was there within minutes. She walked in while they were taking him down. As long as I live, I’ll never forget what that felt like. On one side of the room, my dead brother was being set into a body bag. On the other side, I saw my sister’s heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.”

“And you? Who saw
you
break, Daisy?”

“Violet,” she said softly. “We were always close, but seeing each other break in that moment changed everything. My sister isn’t just my family. She was the only thing that kept my heart beating in a moment when it desperately wanted to stop. Without her, I wouldn’t have been able to go on.”

“But you did,” I reminded her.

I think I was also reminding myself. She was right in front of me and I knew she was okay, but I felt shaky.

“Somehow, you found the strength and you kept going,” I murmured.

“It didn’t come naturally,” she answered. “Quite the opposite. I was devastated. Beyond, even. And my mom just… she wasn’t ideal.”

“Wasn’t ideal?”

“I thought my mom was uptight before then, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Losing my brother turned her into a brick of ice. She never cried. Not once, at least not that I saw. I started having panic attacks being in the house, seeing the stairs… and she would flip out.
You don’t give up a prime piece of real estate because your son is selfish enough to hang himself in it, Daisy.
That’s what she said. That he was selfish.”

Someone in Daisy’s family was definitely selfish. I didn’t think it was her brother.

“Then she focused on me like a laser. Everything I did was wrong. She’d scream and yell about how I wasn’t behaving like a normal teenager, which to her meant I was probably as crazy as my dad and my brother. I wasn’t crazy; I was fucking scared and heartbroken. She refused to see it. I didn’t want to go to prom and she grounded me. I started staying out to avoid her and eventually, I met an older guy who seemed to know it all. All I knew for sure at the time was that I couldn’t stay with my mom another second, so I threw caution to the wind. I dropped out of school and left home, and I haven’t lived with my mom since. Our relationship is… par for the course, I guess. She’s pretty chilly with Violet and me both. We’ve just come to accept it. It’s not that she doesn’t love us, not really. I know she does, I can see it. But she’s too far gone to be able to let herself be vulnerable to anyone, including her children.”

“You’re far more forgiving than I would be,” I admitted.

She shrugged. “When I got my shit together, I realized something important.”

“What was it?”

“If I shut myself down, blamed her, and didn’t find it in my heart to forgive, I’d end up just like her. I also realized if I focused on the negative, I was bound to will it into existence. It’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you believe is what happens. My dad was a victim of mental health and my brother was a victim of my parents acting like lunatics. There’s been enough pain in my family. Through it all, I had Violet, and we had my grandfather. Every life needs glue—he’s always been ours. Then he taught us how to be that for each other. It saved us both.”

“Sounds like your grandfather is cool as fuck,” I mused.

She laughed. “My grandfather is the bomb. You would die if you met him. He’s pure in-your-face country old man, and I worship him. He’s a straight shooter with the biggest heart ever.”

“Like his granddaughter,” I pointed out.

Her smile was radiant. “All the happiest times of my childhood were spent with Granddaddy. He taught me how to ride a horse, and later how to drive.”

“Does he approve of your supposed lead foot ways?” I questioned jokingly. Since I hadn’t witnessed her driving yet, I still wasn’t sure she was serious about being a speed demon.

Throwing back her head, she laughed. “He doesn’t just approve—he taught me everything I know. Violet was all but born driving a minivan that’s perpetually going five miles below the posted limit. Granddaddy and I were born to ride fast. He’s eighty and still drives like he just robbed a bank and has the law right on his tail. Vi can barely handle being in the car with him because it makes her anxious. I find it relaxing. He’s still kicking ass and taking names, and I love it.”

The description made me laugh. “I hope when I’m eighty I’m half as fuckin’ cool as he sounds.”

She gave me a cheeky grin. “You’d have to start by driving like a man instead of a grandma,” she joked.

“What? I drive totally normal!”

“Nope. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings in the car because I wasn’t sure if you were driving old man speed to be in character or not. But you drive reallllllly slow,” she teased.

I threw my head back and roared with laughter. “I don’t normally drive so slow,” I admitted. “I just wanted to spend more time with you.”

Her eyes lit up, and I knew I’d made her happy.

“I like that answer,” she said huskily.

“Yeah?”

“Definitely yeah.”

I was leaning in to kiss her when someone knocked on the door. We simultaneously let out frustrated groans.

“Crappy timing,” I sighed as I stood up.

I opened the door to find Ian and Bree on the other side. I gave Bree a quick look of surprise. Seemed she and Ian continued to grow closer by the day. I’d continually seen them together since she’d arrived the week before. She blushed and looked away.

“Hey, dickface,” Ian joked. “You want to eat with us?”

I definitely didn’t, which surprised me.

“Um, no,” I answered after a pause. “I’m hanging with Daisy. We’re going to order room service.”

Bree’s eyebrows rose up almost to her hairline.

“Wow,” she said after a few seconds.

“So, yeah. You guys go ahead and eat whatever. We’ll catch up tomorrow, cool?”

They both nodded, and Ian announced they’d go back to his room and order dinner. Normally I’d have given them shit, but I wanted to be alone with Daisy.

When I closed the door and turned around, she was beaming at me. I knew without a doubt my answer had pleased her, which made me feel like a goddamn king.

D
inner alone with Tyson was the highlight of what had been a great day. Yes, it had been difficult to share my past with him, but it also made me trust him more. He’d been there for me, and that mattered. It mattered a lot. The whole thing had me feeling closer to him than ever. There was no question in my mind about it. We were really in it together. When he told Ian and Bree that he wanted to eat with me alone, I was overjoyed.

Our dinner choice was a little unusual. Instead of ordering entrees, we wound up getting every appetizer and dessert room service offered, along with two glasses of chocolate milk, two bottles of water and a few cokes. I’m pretty sure the people who delivered the food to Ty’s room thought we were nuts, since it took two delivery carts to get it all in—and there were only two of us eating. Ty waved off their effort to set the table for us, so we got to uncover all of the plates ourselves. We made a little game of it, trying to guess what was under each of the silver domes. Some of it was great, but some of it wasn’t appetizing at all. It was fun to test things out I normally wouldn’t have bothered with, and I had a fantastic time hanging with Tyson.

We were so full after trying all of the appetizers we decided to hold off on dessert. Instead, we watched TV in the living room of his suite. We were both fans of
The Food Network
so it was an easy choice to watch a few episodes of Chopped.

The more time I spent with Ty and what I now knew was the real him, the more I liked him. He was known for being funny, so of course that aspect of his personality stood out. But it turned out he was so much more than that. Smart, thoughtful, considerate and downright sweet were all words I realized I could use to describe him. Of course, the very first word I’d have used is sexy.

The perpetual five-o’clock shadow covering his chiseled cheeks was to die for, and don’t even get me started on his eyes. Any time we connected eye to eye, I had to remind myself to look away before he figured out I was a little obsessed with them. Inevitably that would lead to my looking down to his lips, and that was a whole other issue. It was ridiculous how beautiful he was. From time to time a few stray locks of his hair would fall into his eyes and I’d have to force myself not to reach out and arrange it the way it belonged. In addition to his gorgeous face and drop dead sexy body, he also smelled amazing. It was fresh and clean with just a hint of something a little spicy that made my mouth water.

Sitting side by side on the sofa was excruciating because we were close, but not close enough. At least not for me. I kept fidgeting around and trying to find a good position, but it was like my body wouldn’t accept anything that didn’t involve some form of contact with him. We were well into the second episode of Chopped when he reached out, pulled me to his side and slung his arm around my shoulders. My muscles loosened as I set my head on his shoulder, sighed in contentment and curled one of my hands on top of his knee.

“You good with this?” he asked huskily.

I nodded. “Mm hm.”

Over the next thirty or so minutes, it felt like the air in the room started getting thicker. Being that close together was a spark that lit a fuse. My nipples had hardened into tight peaks and I kept clenching my core. I wanted him badly, but he hadn’t yet made any moves so I resigned myself to follow his lead.

That lasted until I shifted against him and he let out the tiniest sound, almost like he was in pain. My female antenna went way up and I just knew he was feeling much the same as I was. Mainly, turned on. My gaze dropped from the TV down to my hand on his knee, and that’s when I saw it. He was hard and I could see the very clear outline of the impressive erection through his jeans. One small shift and my arm would be touching it. I bit my lip as I thought it through, making a dozen cases for and against.

I’d spent the previous few years not allowing myself to get close to men because I was scared. With Tyson, I didn’t think there was really anything to be afraid of. It wasn’t like he was hard because he didn’t find me attractive.

Decision made, I started trailing a finger up his knee. He inhaled harshly as I moved up and it became more and more obvious what my ultimate destination was. His breath stayed locked in his chest until I reached the outline of his denim-covered cock and traced my finger over it. The second my fingers touched him he let it all out in a whoosh.

“Fuck,” he groaned desperately, “Daisy.”