Somewhere Along the Way (10 page)

Luke advanced. “Hard to hear the truth about yourself, Maddy? Isn’t that what you say everyone needs? The truth? Tell me, that journal you wanted me to read, what did you do with it? Because if I know you, you couldn’t keep it to yourself. You can’t stop meddling, even when no one wants your help. Even when we tell you to stop.”

“Lies are what kept our families apart. The truth will—”

“I’m done making excuses for you. It’s time for you to grow up and realize that sometimes things are none of your fucking business. I don’t know what you said to Cassie, and I don’t care about your version.” He slowed his breathing, controlling his temper, even though fury was raging within him. “You don’t belong here. This place, what I have with Cassie, I won’t allow you to sully it. Go home, Maddy. Give me time to forget how angry I am with you.”

Maddy opened her mouth then closed it with a snap. “I didn’t mean to upset Cassie.”

“But you did.”

With an emotional shine to her eyes, Maddy said, “You’re like a brother to me. I would never do anything to hurt you or anyone you care about. I love you.”

Not softening his stance, Luke held her eyes and warned, “Then prove it. Stay the hell out of my relationship and keep your damn secrets to yourself. I don’t want them, Maddy. I’m happy here.”

Maddy nodded slowly as though she were processing his request sadly. “I hope everything works out for the two of you.”

“It will,” Luke said with determination. “I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“Oh,” Maddy said vaguely. She looked about to say more then bit her lip. “I should probably head back to the airport. Richard is expecting me home tonight.”

Luke nodded and unfolded his arms from across his chest. He didn’t like that he’d hurt his cousin with his honesty, but he considered it something she’d needed to hear. He walked with her to the living room where he retrieved her coat and handed it to her.

Cassie stood off to the side of the room, looking nervous and more than a little sad. Luke tensed when Maddy walked toward her. He strode over, prepared to cut Maddy off if she said anything more than goodbye.

Maddy shook Cassie’s hand. “Good luck, Cassie. I’m deeply sorry if my visit upset you.”

Cassie looked from Maddy to Luke and back. “Thank you.”

“Take care of him for me, Cassie,” Maddy said, and with one last sad look at Luke, she let herself out the front door.

Luke took Cassie into his arms. She was shaking with emotion, and he simply held her for several moments. With a tearless sob, she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest.

Finally, Cassie raised her head and said, “We need to talk, Luke.”

He picked her up, carried her into the living room, and sat down with her still in his arms. He rubbed his chin gently back and forth in her hair. “Yes, we do.”

Cassie laced her fingers through his. She was breathing quickly, and he wanted to spare her from whatever she was about to say, but he sensed she needed to let it out. “Remember when I told you I’m much more messed up on the inside than you know?”

Luke nuzzled Cassie’s ear and said softly, “We all are.”

She squeezed his hand tightly. “I have something I need to say, but before I do, I want to tell you a story. I want you to understand why I am the way I am.”

“I’m listening, Cassie. And you can tell me anything.”

“When I was young I didn’t know how bad my home life was. I thought everyone’s mother left them alone as much as mine did, had strangers in their own homes, had to hide whatever they didn’t want stolen from them. I thought everyone grew up afraid.”

Luke stopped breathing. In that moment his heart opened even wider for the woman in his arms. “Oh, Cupcake . . .”

She played with a button on his shirt, focusing her eyes there. “I’ve never told anyone, but I think it’s time I say it out loud.”

If Luke could have, he would have done anything to erase whatever had put that tone in her voice, whatever had hurt her so badly she couldn’t look at him while she spoke of it. He had an idea, but he didn’t want to believe anyone could have ever hurt the beautiful woman in his arms.

“I didn’t know him. He was just someone my mom brought home from wherever she’d been partying. I was used to strange men coming and going. Normally they didn’t even look at me. As if by acknowledging me, they acknowledged something they didn’t like about themselves. I wasn’t even really afraid when my mother passed out, and he came to talk to me.”

Tears were running freely down Cassie’s cheeks, but she didn’t wipe them away. She kept her attention glued to one white button. “I was ten. I almost don’t remember everything that happened. I remember being scared. I remember trying to get away, but he pinned me down on the couch . . . and then pain. He left and I lay down next to my mother. I tried to wake her, but I couldn’t.”

Luke knew that such horrors happened in the world. He’d volunteered in a shelter when he was in college. But nothing had ever cut him as deeply as hearing Cassie retell what had happened to her. He wanted to erase it from her, but he knew enough to understand she needed to remember. Her experience, however ugly, was a part of the woman he loved. He remained quiet, letting her choose how she’d tell the rest.

“I told my mom the next day. All she did was cry and go on another drug binge. Like somehow my pain was too much for her. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else. Kids in my neighborhood were taken away from their parents for less. They didn’t always end up somewhere better. And I loved my mother, even though I hated what she did.” Cassie looked away and dried her eyes. “I remember pulling deeper inside myself, so deep no one could hurt me. I was scared. And then, somehow, I wasn’t anymore. I was numb. I created these hiding places in my neighborhood where I could go whenever my mother brought someone home. I stole whatever I needed. It was never good, but I was okay. I was surviving. As long as I never trusted anyone. As long as I kept to myself, hiding and protecting everything that was important to me.”

Luke continued to rub Cassie’s back as she spoke. “You don’t have to hide anymore, Cassie. Not from me.”

“I want to believe that, Luke. It’s like when I first heard Emma speak of this town. How they were like a family to her. I couldn’t imagine living anywhere like that. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved to be part of something that good. But I wanted to be part of that. I wanted it so badly.” She rubbed a hand across Luke’s arm absently. “People in this town care about me. I’m not afraid here, not even of the people who stay in my home. I’m strong. I shed the person I was in Detroit, and I’m becoming someone else . . . someone better.”

Luke took her hand gently in his. “Not someone else. You, Cassie. That’s all. This is who you really are.”

Cassie closed her eyes for a moment. “I still have trouble trusting anyone, and I hide what I care the most about. There are things I don’t tell Bonnie. Things I haven’t told you, yet. I want to, but I’m scared.”

With his heart thudding loudly in his chest, Luke continued to hold Cassie. She’d never been more beautiful to him than she was in that moment. “Don’t be afraid with me, Cassie. You are the bravest, most warmhearted woman I’ve ever met. There is nothing you could say that would change my opinion of you.” He let out a long breath and admitted, “I’m in love with you.”

She didn’t say she loved him back, and he didn’t expect her to. She wasn’t ready yet. He ran a comforting thumb back and forth over hers. She had opened herself up to him, leaving herself vulnerable. He wanted to show her he was willing to trust her just as completely. “Cassie, I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through, but I do know what it’s like to feel powerless. My mother didn’t physically hurt us, but she was unpredictably viscous. There was so much anger in our home. We all dealt with it in different ways. I convinced myself I could heal them. That’s why I became a surgeon, I think. I had this crazy idea that I alone could make things better for everyone. The nurses in our hospital call it the god complex. Men who begin to see themselves as being able to overcome even death itself. But no one is that powerful. I couldn’t fix my family, Cassie. I couldn’t save Emma. I wish I could go back in time and protect you from everything you described, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Cassie opened her eyes and looked up at Luke. “Maddy said she was worried you were hiding here. What if you are? You could wake up tomorrow and miss New York.”

“Is that what you’re afraid of? Maddy doesn’t know what she’s talking about. New York is just a city. Concrete buildings. Obnoxious traffic. Yes, my job is there, but I could be a surgeon anywhere. Even here.”

Cassie buried her face in Luke’s chest, and he tucked her head beneath his chin. Cassie had shared a part of herself with him she’d never shared before. He saw that as the precious gift it was. She had more she wanted to say, and he knew she would—in her own time.

Cassie didn’t trust easily, and she would love even more cautiously. Luckily, patience was a virtue he’d been born with.

“What is your problem?” Bonnie asked, after waiting until they were alone in the bathroom of her restaurant.

Cassie washed her hands in the sink, using the action as a distraction. She didn’t meet her eyes in the mirror above it, and she wasn’t about to meet Bonnie’s. There were probably a hundred, maybe a thousand better ways to handle how she felt, but none were possible for her. Since she’d left the fertility clinic the day before, she had gone numb. “I don’t have a problem.”

Bonnie folded her arms across her chest. She was absolutely lovely in the shimmering green dress she’d chosen that night and normally Cassie would have said so, but nothing felt real. It was as if Cassie had taken a step back from her life and was unemotionally watching it play out below. “Oh, you do, and you will tell me what it is. You’re here tonight with the most eligible bachelor who has ever come to Defiance. A man who, might I add, is obviously smitten with you. You look amazing, but I haven’t seen you smile once since you came in. Luke hasn’t left your side, and if I had to guess, he’s just as worried about you as I am. He doesn’t appear sorry, just confused. Did you two have a fight? Spill it. What’s going on?”

Cassie turned on the water and was about to wash her hands again when Bonnie turned her away from the sink. “Look at me, Cassie. I’ve never seen you like this. Whatever happened, you’re not alone. Talk to me.”

A woman walked into the bathroom and glanced at the stalls. “Are they free?”

Bonnie scooted the woman right back out of the bathroom. “No, they’re not. Come back in a few minutes.” As soon as the woman was clear of the door, Bonnie closed it and slid a lock across the top. “Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

Cassie looked up and hated that she was handling herself so poorly. Bonnie was missing part of the fundraiser she was hosting to hide out in the bathroom with her. She tried to force a smile. “There’s nothing wrong, Bonnie. I just have a headache.”

Bonnie nodded and stepped closer. “I’m sorry to have to do this.”

Cassie raised an eyebrow in question.

Standing within a foot of Cassie, Bonnie stared, unblinking, into her eyes. “I will now awkwardly stare at you until you can’t take it anymore and tell me what I want to know. My father used to do this to me. Don’t doubt the power of a prolonged, knowing stare.”

One corner of Cassie’s mouth twitched. “You’re serious?”

Bonnie didn’t budge; she just continued to stare into Cassie’s eyes. At first Cassie brushed it off as ridiculous. Then annoying. Then she felt more and more uncomfortable. Cassie shifted from one foot to the other. “Stop.”

“I will, as soon as you start talking.”

“I already told you there is nothing to tell.” Cassie looked away but could still feel the pressure from Bonnie’s sustained attention. She rubbed one of her ears nervously and tried to pull back the wretched feelings beginning to surface within her. She couldn’t hide, not even from herself, beneath Bonnie’s unwavering scrutiny. “Fine, I received some bad news. Or maybe it was good news. I don’t know. It just put me in a funky mood, okay?”

“From your mother?”

“No. I don’t talk to her.”

“I know. And that’s probably for the best. You don’t have to tell me what she did. I know you well enough to know you have a huge heart, Cassie. If you closed a door on someone, they earned it.”

Cassie looked up at the ceiling and blinked a few times
. Hold it together, Cassie. No more crying.

Bonnie’s voice softened. “So it’s not your mother. It can’t be anything Luke did. You don’t look angry. You look sad, Cassie. You’ve told me several times you moved here because you wanted to be part of a community. You wanted friends. Well, this is what happens when people love you. We can’t stand to see you hurting. We get all up in your business and don’t let go until we know you’re okay.”

Cassie let out a long, sad breath. “I’m not pregnant.”

Bonnie took a few moments to process that announcement. “Was there a reason you were hoping to be?”

Cassie rubbed her cheeks with her cold hands and turned to look at herself in the mirror. “I’ve been going to a fertility clinic in Toledo for intracervical insemination or IUI. I didn’t want to tell anyone unless I had good news. I found out yesterday this cycle didn’t work any better than the first two, even though I used hormones this time. The clinic suggested I try a different donor or opt for a more invasive procedure.”

Bonnie put an arm around Cassie. “Oh, sweetie. I knew you wanted a family. I didn’t know how badly. My sister went the fertility route with her husband. I know how devastating negative news can be.”

Cassie wiped away a stray tear. “You’re not upset I didn’t tell you?”

Bonnie met her eyes in the mirror and tucked hair away from Cassie’s face. “Being friends doesn’t mean we have to tell each other everything. There are no rules.”

Cassie frowned. “Then what was all that staring about?”

Bonnie flashed a brief smile. “That was for your own good. And given the same situation, I would do it again.” The two were quiet for a moment, then Bonnie asked, “Luke doesn’t know, does he?”

Cassie shook her head and shrugged. “At first I didn’t think it would matter. I never thought he would stay. Then I told myself it was better to wait until I knew something. Now I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how I feel. You’re right, I felt devastated the first two times the procedure didn’t work. This time was different. I didn’t cry when I got the news. I didn’t feel anything at all. I still don’t.” She turned and took one of Bonnie’s hands in hers. “What’s wrong with me?”

“There is nothing wrong with you. Fertility hormones make women loopy. I’m pretty positive if you murdered someone while on them an insanity plea would work. My family was ready to have a ‘please stop taking hormones’ intervention with my sister by the time she finally got pregnant.”

“I don’t want to murder anyone.”

“Well see, you’re better than many already.”

“The clinic asked me if I wanted to move forward with a different procedure. I told them I don’t know.”

Bonnie smiled. “And that surprised you?”

“I wanted a baby so badly. It was all I could think about for months. How could it not matter to me anymore?”

“Cassie Daiver, this is why you need to open up to your friends. You’re driving yourself crazy with questions that anyone who knows you well could easily answer. You still want a baby, but now you want to raise it with one particular sperm donor.”

Cassie’s mouth dropped open. “Luke? He’s going back to New York soon.”

“Really?” Bonnie asked drolly. “I’ll believe that when I see it. Sweetie, open your eyes. He is head-over-heels falling for you.”

“Can you really picture him living here?”

Bonnie threw up her hands. “Hello? Yes. People love him already. He’s gorgeous, nice to all the old ladies. Let’s see, he also publicly saved Irene’s life. Oh, and someone anonymously donated two hundred thousand dollars to our playground fundraiser tonight. Is there any doubt it was him? Yeah, I hate to imagine what our town would be like with him around.” There was a knock on the door. Bonnie loudly told them to try the men’s restroom.

“That’s not what I’m saying. We may want him to stay, but what’s here for him?”

Bonnie smiled confidently. “Us.”

Cassie closed her eyes for a moment. “I feel sick every time I let myself start to believe he means anything he says. My hands get sweaty. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’ve never had a panic attack in my life, but sometimes my heart races so fast I can’t think. Is that normal?”

“That’s love, sweetie. At least, in the beginning. It morphs over time. Work through this, and you’ll enjoy the amazing honeymoon period. Savor that one because when the children do arrive there will be times when you want to smother him with a pillow while he sleeps beside you. My mother always said that’s normal. It’s usually because you’re both sleep deprived. Add incessant snoring and the pillow smothering gets tempting. That’s why Greg and I are waiting. I don’t want to want to kill him yet.”

“Bonnie, promise me you’ll never become a marriage counselor.”

Bonnie shrugged. “I didn’t say you should smother him, I just said you may want to. If you fight that urge long enough, the kids grow up, move out, and the two of you live happily ever after together.”

“According to your mother.”

“Hey, she’s been married to the same man for forty plus years. She knows her shit.”

Cassie smiled reluctantly, then she sobered. “So, what do I do now? Should I tell Luke everything?”

Bonnie hugged Cassie again. “Maybe not here at the fundraiser, but soon. He deserves to know, don’t you think? Love is hard enough. You don’t want this to be what comes between you.”

There was another knock on the bathroom door.

“What if I fall in love with him, and you’re wrong? He just leaves?” Cassie asked, as much of a question to herself as to Bonnie.

“You’re stronger than you think, Cassie. You’d survive.” Someone banged on the door again and Bonnie sighed angrily. “Oh, for cripe’s sake, we’re coming out. Do all of you have the bladders of a two-year-old?” She took one last look in the mirror and asked, “How do you feel?”

Cassie’s eyes filled with grateful tears. “Better than before you dragged me in here. Thank you, Bonnie.”

Bonnie reached up to unlock the door. “The knowing stare. It never fails.”

***

When Cassie and Bonnie returned to the dining room, Cassie was smiling. Luke sent Bonnie a grateful smile. Bonnie was a good friend to the woman he loved, and that made her one of his favorite people in the world.

Love.

The more he said it to himself, the less afraid he was of the truth.
I love Cassie Daiver. I love her in my bed, across the table from me at breakfast, by my side wherever I am. I love her when she’s nervously snapping at me while we get ready for an event and when she’s whispering naughty suggestions to me in the middle of the night. I want the side of her she shows me and the side she’s still hiding. I want it all.

Greg, Bonnie’s husband, took a swig of his beer and also watched the two walk toward them. “You probably don’t need my connections, but my brother knows a lot of local hospital administrators. He sells medical supplies. He might be able to put in a good word for you if you decide to stick around.”

Luke gave Greg a grateful pat on the shoulder. The welcome the people in Defiance offered him had nothing to do with his enormous trust fund. In fact, he doubted they had a clue how wealthy he truly was. He didn’t know if the way they treated him would change if they ever discovered the truth, but somehow he doubted it. The restaurant was packed with a variety of people from the community, from the bank president to the school custodian. They mixed and swapped stories as only people who had all grown up together in a small town could. He envied that closeness.

His cell phone rang. He groaned when he saw the number. It was his oldest brother, Gio. If he didn’t pick up, Gio would only call again. If he ignored his call, Gio would likely fly out to check on him. All Luke wanted to do was figure out what Bonnie had said to Cassie to lift her mood, but it would have to wait. He kissed Cassie briefly on the cheek and held up his phone. “I hate to do it, but I have to take this. I’m going to step outside for a minute.”

Cassie cocked her head to the side, but didn’t ask.

Luke said, “It’s one of my brothers. I’ll be right back.” He grabbed his coat from the rack beside the door, stepped out into the cold night air, and answered Gio.

Never one to waste time on pleasantries, Gio said, “Luke, Mother’s in the hospital. We need you back here.”

“What happened?”

“She had another one of her episodes, but this time, her nurse called an ambulance. She’s not coherent, so I was able to bypass her doctor. But we may not have much time. The hospital is running routine tests. I want you to come back and look over the results. We can decide where to go from there.”

Anger and frustration rose within Luke. “I went to see Mother before I left New York. She expressly told me to stay away from her medical records. She has a doctor, one she is comfortable with. Talk to him.”

“He’s not here; no one can find him. And even if he were, he wouldn’t tell us anything. I’m starting to believe he’s part of the problem. Get your ass on the next plane to New York. We’ll talk about this in person.”

“I’m not coming back, Gio.”

“I’m having trouble hearing you. Did you just say no?”

“That’s what I said.”

Gio was quiet for a moment, then said, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

“No.”

“This isn’t like you, Luke.”

“You’re a big boy, Gio. If you want to get into Mother’s medical records, throw some money at Dr. Garnert. He just weathered a divorce; he’ll do anything for the right price. He’s just as qualified as I am to diagnosis her. Probably more so considering whatever is causing what you call an episode is not my area of expertise. You don’t need me.”

“I spoke to Maddy a few days ago. She said she was flying out to Ohio. Did you see her?”