Sophie's Smile: A Novel (15 page)

Sophie tensed up and her back straightened. She was definitely uncomfortable and I was stressed; my stomach tied in knots. She was smiling, but her eyes showed fear. It was her turn. Her gentle hands roamed over the gifts. She hesitated and opened one. She let out a tiny gasp and then a nervous giggle when she showed her gift. It was a love potion kit.

“I wonder who you’re going to use it on, wink-wink,” Tiffany butted in.

Sophie stifled a nervous giggle and I glared at Tiffany. She seemed dumbfounded by my disapproval. She was definitely one of those brainless blondes.

The game went around a few more times. I got a foot scrubber and bubble bath kit. I felt Sophie sink in her chair. My smile widened. Sophie must have brought this one. Her innocence was refreshing.

We got back around midnight. One light was on in the house. Dad must’ve left it on for us. Walking Sophie to her car, I noticed my pulse race; my hands were shaking. I quickly jammed them into my pockets before she noticed. I shuddered. Luckily, it was chilly tonight. As we walked, it seemed like we were knee deep in sand. Neither one of us said anything. My mind went blank.
I have to say something.
I cleared my throat.

“Um…I like your…style.”
Fuck! What was that?
I felt like punching myself.

“Uh…thanks?”

There was silence again. I wasn’t about to say something stupid…again. We finally got to her car.
I can do this. I can do this. Just lean in and kiss her. Come on, be a man.
I leaned in, hesitated, and then she turned slightly and…
hugged
me.

“Good night. It was fun.”

“Um, yeah…fun.
Night.”

She got quickly into her car and left. I just stood there, dumbstruck.
What in the hell just happened?
I panicked. Without thinking, I grabbed my phone and started texting:

I was going to kiss you tonight.

Somehow, I walked back inside, went straight to my room, and landed on my bedspread without even bothering to take off my shoes. I stared up at the wall, fully dressed, and cried. Hot, salty tears burned my face. My body curled into the fetal position. I was horror-stricken. I felt crippled. Hurt.
Anxious.
I was drowning in…feelings. I was crushed.
That was pathetic. I am not a man, just a little boy. She must be so weirded out, so turned off. Have I just lost her?

~ Sophie ~

16

Exhausted, I walked into my room and got ready for bed.
That was weird. I wonder if…NO. No, he was just giving me a hug good-bye.
I shook the ridiculous thought away and finished washing my face and brushing my teeth. I turned off the light and grabbed my phone to set the alarm when I saw the text message:

I was going to kiss you tonight.

My mind went numb. I started shaking; heat crept up inside me and I pushed it down. I needed to think.
How do I feel—good…excited…numb…? Yes, numb. Is that weird? How should I feel? Is this real?
I mulled it over in my head.
He—was—going—to—kiss—me
.

If I hadn’t made that quick move and hugged him first…I could’ve had my first kiss…
Isn’t it too early? Sigh, I don’t know…I don’t know. Why now? Why like this? Why can’t it be a little easier?
I shut down. I decided not to text him back, to wait until I knew exactly what to say.

Once I was able to feel my pulse slowing, I finally drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

The next morning, I decided to send him a quick message. I wanted to make sure I said everything I needed to without being distracted by his soft eyes or kind voice. I wanted to be coherent, not flustered, so I did the cowardly thing and messaged him:

December 23, 2005 8:22 AM

Subject:
Text…

Body:

Hi Liam,

I got your text msg. I’m not quite sure how to respond to that but here it goes…

I didn’t really know that you were
try’n
to kiss me…so…sorry?

Haha
uhh
yea…

I’m not quite sure exactly how I feel about you…I mean I like you and it’s great spending time with you, but I’m just not used to all of this…“all of this” in terms of “seeing/dating” someone…
sooo
…

I’m kind of stuck with this explanation right now and I’ll continue later, but I just wanted to say something about it right now.

-Sophie

I felt a little more relaxed after I sent it. I hoped it might give me some time to process my thoughts and figure out where I stood. I was more in shock at that moment than anything else. I just couldn’t believe someone liked me enough that he wanted to kiss me.

Since I waited so long for this moment, I had to be sure he was the one I wanted to give that first kiss to. Was I being rational?
Picky?
Cowardly?
I settled on picky.
Yes, picky is a good thing when it comes to this stuff.

Only thirty minutes passed when Liam sent a response message.
Wow. That was fast.
His words surprised me:

December 23, 2005 8:52 AM

Subject: RE:
Text…

Body:

Sophie,

I’m really sorry…I hope I haven’t offended you. I shouldn’t have sent that text message, but I was all nervous. I mean, I was wishing I would have kissed you, and then I chickened out, and I just felt really weird and awkward afterward. And that party already had me feeling anxious because I was trying to participate but all that stuff just makes me hyperventilate. Gosh, I’m SO bad at this stuff. Like when I said “I like your style,” what I meant was to say that I like YOU. Nothing ever comes out right with me. By sending that message I just made things worse…please don’t feel bad! I’m an IDIOT…Look, we don’t really know much about each other’s “dating” experience, but I can assure you I am much more afraid of it than you are. I like you, Sophie, and would like to spend more time with you (no pressure, or “dating” or “seeing”)…let’s just get comfortable with each other! I have no time table, no
expectations,
I’m just a real moron. I understand if you’d rather not see me anymore, though, because man
am
I lame.
SO lame.

I hope you have a great weekend, and hopefully we can talk when you get back. Sophie, however it works out, I’m glad I met you.

Liam

Humble. Honest.
Pure.
Pain.
Liam’s words stung me. He sounded hurt and guilty. I didn’t realize how much he liked me. I didn’t think it was possible.
What have I gotten myself into?
No matter what, I liked Liam and I knew he was a very sweet and humble guy.
Much too humble.

I decided to message him again so he would know that I was really fine, and he shouldn’t think twice about it. I didn’t want him to have the wrong idea:

December 23, 2005 9:17 AM

Subject: RE: RE:
Text…

Body:

Hey Liam,

Don’t worry about it. No, you didn’t offend me nor should u feel bad, nervous, etc.

We’ll just hang out sometime after Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

-Sophie

I hoped my message came across as chipper and carefree. Waiting by the computer, I received a response an hour later:

December 23, 2005 10:53 AM

Subject: RE: RE: RE:
Text…

Body:

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for being okay with everything…I’d love to hang out with you sometime after Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Liam

That sounds better.
With that taken care of, I felt a little relieved and…hopeful?
Ugh…what’s wrong with me? Isn’t this what I have been waiting for? Dreaming about?
Liam was cute, smart, and sweet. He already opened my car door, baked for me, and serenaded me. Shouldn’t I be jumping for joy? Screaming, YES, at the top of my lungs? I was confused;
why am I feeling so…numb?

17

Christmas Day should be filled with happiness and joy, love and laughter. But all I could do was think about Liam and that text message.

“Sophie. Sophie?”

“Huh? Oh. What?”

“Where did you go?” My mom was waiting for me to pass her the kimchi.

“I was just thinking about my grades,” I lied.

“Okay.”

I couldn’t follow anything my family was talking about during dinner. I poked at my food, which never happens, and I mostly just stared off into space. We opened presents and then I quickly excused myself to my room.

Knock. Knock.

“Sophie, can I come in?”

Sigh, I just want to be by myself right now.
“Sure.”

My mom sat down at the edge of my bed. “So, what’s going on? You’ve been in your own world lately. You’ve been brooding.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Yes you have. Just talk to me.”

I hesitated, “Well, there’s this guy.” I paused.

She looked pleasantly shocked but she let me continue.

“He’s white, a year older than me, he took a few years off from school to figure out what he wanted but he’s going back to UCSD to study botany, he bakes, plays the guitar, and he’s really smart and kind. We went out on a date…well I guess two, nothing serious. But, I think he likes me and
I…
well, I’m not sure what to do.”