Sophie's Smile: A Novel (22 page)

First I just wanted to say that you’re a great guy and I enjoy spending time with you. Last night was really nice, but I’ve been thinking A LOT about where I stand in relationships as a whole and I wanted you to know that I don’t see myself having sex anytime in the near future.

First off, I always valued the idea of saving myself for my husband and second, I just don’t think I can handle worrying about the chance of getting pregnant, etc.

I just wanted to let you know this so you can determine if you want to continue in a relationship with me. I totally understand if you don’t because I know it’s difficult…for anyone, but that is where I stand. I didn’t know how to bring it up in person but we’ll talk about it later after you had a chance to think about it.

So, if you’re okay with this I’d love to be your girlfriend and if not, I understand, but I don’t think we could continue being in a relationship.

-Sophie

Her pure, honest words struck my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Thinking back to last night, the way I allowed my needs to take on a life of their own, made me cringe. I overstepped my bounds and took more from her than she wanted. I felt a twinge of resentment…only a twinge, for I couldn’t help what I did. I couldn’t help my feelings for her. They were even hard for me to understand. It happened so fast and my desire for her grew to be more, much more. I needed her in my life.

I reread and reread her message, each time confirming her importance to me. A girl like her didn’t come around and fall in your lap very often; hell, it probably only happened once in a lifetime or once in a century of lifetimes.
I found her and I will do everything I can to be a part of her life. I love her.

I clicked to her MySpace page and instantly my worry ceased; I was again grinning like a bastard. She changed her status to
In a Relationship
.

January 22, 2006 5:39 PM

Subject: RE:
…about last
nite

Body:

Hi Sophie,

I am completely fine with that, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being honest and open with me.

I agree with your feelings on not wanting to bring a child into the world that I’m not ready to care for fully, and I admire so much that
you’re wanting
to save yourself for marriage. That is SO rare these days. You shouldn’t feel at all ashamed to feel this
way,
it just means that you are a woman of intelligence, strength, and high moral character. You’re setting yourself up to have a great life, Sophie, and the more I learn about you the more I want to be a part of your life.

I’ll talk to you soon :)

-Liam

Focus Liam, Focus.
I tried focusing my attention on the thrilling laws of Thermodynamics instead of thinking about Sophie, but the laws of manipulating energy with heat and work just made me think about her more.
That’s it. I can’t focus.
I needed to see Sophie.
I must see her.
Especially after she adamantly voiced her concerns.

Without thinking it through, I closed the bloated textbook—which would be best served as a paperweight or doorstop—and grabbed my keys as I headed out to see her.

31

Standing in front of her door, I felt a little stupid. I should have called her first and asked if I could come over.
Moron. What if she doesn’t want to see me?
Too late.
If she’s not ready to see me, I’ll leave. But what if she’s not there?
I would actually have preferred that over Sophie glaring at me with disgruntled eyes. A thin film of sweat lined my brow and the air seemed to clog my throat. My hands became cold and clammy. My nerves crescendoed when I heard footsteps near, but my tension lessened when Sophie—
my Sophie
—opened the door.

She looked beautiful, with her hair loose and flowing, her shirt clinging to her gentle
curves,
and a pair of lounge pants that looked soft against her thighs. Her eyes were dazed from studying and then surprise—a good surprise, I noted—took hold.

“Hi,” she mustered, as the shock of me standing there started to wear off.

“Hi,” I said as I closed in to embrace her in an affectionate and long hug. “Sorry, for barging in on you like this, I just wanted to see you.”

I could feel my face heat up and I couldn’t shake the goofy grin that must have been planted squarely across my face. I felt like a huge dork.

“Oh wow, no, I’m glad to see you too. I’m just surprised.” Her skin glowed and her eyes sparkled.

“Can I come in?”

“Oh yea, sorry, please come in.”

Disappointed that she didn’t lead me back to her room, I sat with her on the couch in the living room.

“I won’t stay long.” Hearing that, she loosened up a bit. “I just wanted to see you and tell you thank you in person. I’m really glad that you feel comfortable enough with me to be honest and open about where you stand. It really makes me feel good.”

Sophie shifted uncomfortably, avoiding my eyes, so I continued, “The more I know you the more I like you.”

She seemed to be contemplating my words before replying, “Thanks for being so understanding and respectful…I feel lucky.” She smiled then, a soft and slow, beautiful smile.

“No Sophie,
I’m
the lucky one.”

I put my hand over hers and held it there for a brief moment so she could feel my sincerity. Her eyes met mine and I longed to hold her close and never let go. I resisted the urge.

As I left, I kissed her softly, longingly on her luscious lips; before we parted, I whispered, “I saw your profile.” She fluttered her lashes in response, which, embarrassingly enough, started to arouse me. I turned and left before my urges could take over.

32

Throughout the week we chatted mostly through instant messages, seeing each other briefly between classes. Because we only saw each other on campus, I was only able to hold her momentarily and kiss her gingerly on the cheek. At times I had to clench my jaw and ball my hands into fists so I wouldn’t take more, demand more, reminding myself that all this tension and restraint would be rewarding one day.

Our hours of online conversation bounced through our thoughts, our upbringings, and to our growing fondness of each other.

On Monday, we discussed the topic of hickies and the good-bad-and-ugly of being an obedient kid:

Pinkie16 (5:52:29 PM): Tiffany got a big ugly hickie on the back of her neck today!

Itchy Bonsai (5:52:42 PM): HAHAHAHAH!! Was she embarrassed?

Pinkie16 (5:53:14 PM): Yea, she’s embarrassed every time. Ethan loves to give her hickies and
she
hates covering them up.

Itchy Bonsai (5:55:13 PM):
Haha
. Well you know what that’s all about, don’t you?

Pinkie16 (5:55:48 PM): No, what?

Itchy Bonsai (5:56:02 PM): indirectly or directly, it means that he wants EVERYONE to know that Tiff is his property. I think hickies are passive-aggressive.

Pinkie16 (5:56:23 PM): yea, you are probably right…so you’ve never given someone a hickie?

Itchy Bonsai (5:57:13 PM): Nope.
Never.

Itchy Bonsai (5:58:17 PM): Actually, I did get a hickie once, when I was like 16. I was SO embarrassed, and I got in trouble from my dad…not good…

Pinkie16 (5:58:27 PM): You got in trouble for it??

Itchy Bonsai (5:58:58 PM): Yeah, I did, because he said I “deceived” him…not my finest hour

Pinkie16 (5:59:04 PM):
awww
dat
sux

Itchy Bonsai (5:59:33 PM): well, luckily I didn’t get in trouble too much because I was a good kid…helps you get away with stuff! (
j/k
)

Pinkie16 (5:59:51 PM): well, actually it isn’t that good
cuz
they just get disappointed

Itchy Bonsai (5:59:56 PM): Yeah, you’re right. It’s like once you set the precedent of being “good” (in school, morals, behavior, etc.) they begin to expect a little more…and more…and MORE

Pinkie16 (6:00:05 PM): Yea…I know

Itchy Bonsai (6:00:47 PM): but I think that it’s mostly self-imposed, because good parents will love their kids no matter what. So we’re just hard on ourselves

Pinkie16 (6:00:56 PM): yea of course

Itchy Bonsai (6:01:33 PM):
yaaay
! I met another “good kid” who felt a lot of pressure during childhood! We’re peas in a pod!

Pinkie16 (6:01:41 PM): u know…my upper lip (left side) is dry because it got irritated by
ur
stubble :C

Itchy Bonsai (6:02:04 PM): I’m sorry!
:C

Pinkie16 (6:02:22 PM):
haha
dats
okay. It’s not bad, just dry

Itchy Bonsai (6:02:41 PM): I guess we’ll have to keep it under 2 hours next time…I used a new razor and everything! Gosh!

Pinkie16 (6:03:02 PM):
haha
. Maybe you should ask for a refund. Tell them
ur
gf
said it doesn’t work

Itchy Bonsai (6:03:40 PM):
haha
. C’mon, it’s got like 5 blades, and there is a picture of a jet on the package!

Pinkie16 (6:04:40 PM): Is that supposed to mean something?

Itchy Bonsai (6:05:41 PM): (shrug) I guess I haven’t really had to take into account the delicate, beautiful skin of a woman of your caliber before

Pinkie16 (6:06:15 PM):
haha
oh jeez

Itchy Bonsai (6:06:55 PM): yeah, take that! Actually though, I’ll try to have a more “kissable” shave in the future (all kidding aside) cause I don’t want to rub your face off or anything

Pinkie16 (6:07:00 PM):
haha
k