Sorting Out Sid (36 page)

‘Yeh…?’

‘Yeh four rupees hai.’

‘Nahin.’ Sid was very clear on this point, having examined the item in his hand closely by now. ‘Yeh ice-cream spoon hai.’

The man looked helplessly at Sid and opened his mouth, but Sid had noted by then that the ice-cream spoon had ‘Rs 4’ inscribed on it in blue ink.

‘Oh.’ Sid brightened up suddenly. ‘Yeh coupon ki tarah hai phir? Agli baar main yeh aapko doonga, toh aap chaar rupaiye bill se kum karenge? Yeh achha system hai! Change ki badi samasya hai na aaj kal?’

The fellow nodded dumbly. He seemed glad that Sid understood, but also faintly embarrassed and a bit worried by Sid’s overjoyed reaction. Apparently, his other customers had never really appreciated his ‘currency system’ in such an overt manner.

Sid beamed at him in what looked to the fellow a crazed manner. He was so tickled that he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking the fellow’s hand and pumping it up and down vigorously.

‘Aap jaise log hai jo…’ He began with enthusiasm and then figured he couldn’t possibly translate what he wanted to say next into Hindi. He decided his admiration was worth expressing anyway, so he continued to pump the hapless fellow’s hand up and down as he finished, ‘…come up with the most entrepreneurial solutions to everyday problems in our desh! Wah!’

Sid finally let go of the man’s hand, picked up his packet of vegetables and went off with a cheery, parting grin and a wave.

The shopkeeper stared after him with his mouth slightly open. Then he shrugged and murmured under his breath in a bemused manner, ‘Pata nahin kya bak-bak kar raha tha. Gadha!’

Sid arranged all the vegetables neatly on the kitchen counter. He had washed all of them carefully. Now. What did he feel like cooking?

He went over to fetch his laptop. He placed it on the counter and quickly connected to the Internet. Manjula’s Kitchen, the ex-wife had often used that. Aha, lovely. Today, Sid decided he was going to learn how to make Hyderabadi Baingan. That sounded great. He looked at all the vegetables. Yes, he realized with glee, he had all the required ingredients. The recipe looked quite simple. What was all that fuss Mandira was always making about cooking? It was just about following instructions to the T.

He read the recipe thrice to make sure he could handle every step. Great. Time to start. Wait. Mood music. Sid found the U2 folder on the laptop and nodded his head happily to the opening strains of ‘
Even better than the real thing
’. Yeah, now,
this
was living.

Okay, step number one: make slits at the top of all the baingans. Cool, cool. For this, he needed a knife. He went and opened what he thought was the cutlery cupboard. It was empty. Hmmm. Sid tried the one next to it. Nothing in here either. What was going on? He checked the next, and next, and next. Why were all these shelves empty?

He suddenly realized what that vicious ex-wife of his had done. Packed up
all
the cutlery and taken it with her.
Just because they had agreed that whatever each person had individually bought over the years would be their property. It was plain vindictive of her. She expected him to buy all the kitchenware himself, even though there had been plenty of extras
–
and she hadn’t even bothered to tell him. So much for his cooking plans. Sid laughed more bitterly than he had ever before and it rang hollow in his own ears.

She had taken it all. She had left him nothing.

Women were soul-sucking creatures wreaking havoc and dismay wherever they went. In his next life, he
was
going to be one. That way, maybe he would get his revenge.

9

Sid and Brownie: The Sequel

‘H
ey-lloooo?’

Sid answered the phone with a slow, sing-song lilt. He liked it and decided this would be his new ‘hello’. His new Hello-Tune, you might say. Heh heh.

‘So, you finally decided to pick up the phone.’ Aditi’s voice came floating over the phone. She sounded more worried than mad. ‘It’s been two
weeks
, Sid.’

‘Has it?’ said Sid. He felt rather dazed. What time was it? For that matter, what day? He looked around blankly and murmured, ‘I guess it has.’

Her voice was quieter now. ‘Well, I’m glad you at least picked up the phone today. Happy birthday.’

‘Whose?’

‘Very funny.’ Aditi sighed, sounding exasperated. ‘Can you ever be serious?’

Sid said wonderingly, ‘I’m … thirty-seven?’ He struggled to figure out the date and realized Aditi might just be correct. He exulted, ‘And I’m alive!’

‘Okay now, you’re acting stranger than usual,’ Aditi said. She hesitated for just a moment. ‘I thought we could have a conversation … and make up.’

‘Sure,’ said Sid agreeably.

There was a moment of silence on the phone and then she said, ‘Look, I know things got a little complex with … what happened … and I know you blame me. But the things that you said the other day.’ Her voice broke and she hurried on, ‘Is that what you really think? That I wanted to see you unhappy?’

He shook his head vigorously to deny this as well as to clear the cobwebs in his mind. The specific context was a little hazy, but he knew he owed her an apology.

He said, ‘You bet I don’t think that! I was just mad then and it was
wrong
on my part to say such a thing!’ He added lovingly, ‘You’re my beeeest friend, Adu. Even better than Vikas … and you didn’t sleep with Mandira.’ He became a little confused and thought it best to clarify. ‘Did you?’

Another pause. Aditi sounded suspicious when she spoke next. ‘What’s that supposed to mean? And why do you sound so cheerful?’

‘Oh but I am, I am. After all, it just became my
burday
! What’s there to not to be cheerful about? I mean, what’s there to be not cheer … I mean…’

‘I get it, I get it,’ Aditi hurriedly cut in. ‘Where are you?’

‘Home, can’t you see?’ Sid swung his hand around in a wide arc to indicate his drawing room. He was holding a lit cigarette in his hand and a little ash dropped onto the carpet. ‘Shit,’ he muttered to himself.

After another moment’s silence, Aditi said, ‘Sid, it’s two in the afternoon on a weekday. Are you seriously
drunk
?’

Sid made several scoffing noises and this caused him to have a minor coughing fit. He took another swig of beer to soothe his throat before answering, ‘Of course not. This is only my fifth beer.’ Since noon, he admitted to himself silently. Aditi probably thought he wasn’t keeping count, silly woman.

‘Sid, now I’m really worried. Two weeks and you haven’t taken calls and now you’re drunk, alone at home. On your birthday! Are you okay?’

‘I’m good, GOOD,’ Sid assured her. He took another swig of beer and swallowed. ‘No problem at all.’

‘Sid…’

‘Arrey, I’m fine!’ Sid burst out. He found himself getting agitated. ‘When are you going to understand how bloody
fine
I am? I can take a bloody day off! It’s my bloody birthday, remember?’

‘Okay, okay, calm down, I was just…’

‘I am happier than I can remember being EVER! I’ve got the entire place to myself after years. I’m the King of the Castle. Ha ha!’ Sid looked around his drawing room fondly and this put him in a better mood. He slurred, ‘You remember, Adu? How she used to say I had no taste in furniture? Well, I’ve got loads of ideas about how exactly I want my bachelor pad to be, and I’m just going to go ahead with all of them!’

He ran out of words and took another drag of his cigarette. He cackled in what must have seemed to her a rather irrelevant manner, but he was just feeling pleased with how he could finally smoke in his own home without inhibition.

Aditi’s next words forced him out of his reverie. ‘So is that what you’ve been doing? Redecorating the place? That’s what you’ve been busy with?’

‘Well, not exactly,’ admitted Sid. ‘But I’ve been planning it all out. It’s all mapped out right here.’ He tapped his forehead meaningfully.

‘Wow, you’re really out,’ muttered Aditi, and then added in a determined tone, ‘I’m coming over now.’

‘No, no,’ Sid said in a panic. He looked about his drawing room again. It was a worse mess than it had been in years.
Empty pizza boxes occupied every remotely flat surface in the room. He didn’t want her to see the place like this. And he didn’t want to see anyone anyway. He went with part of the truth. ‘I haven’t found a new maid yet, so the house is a bit of a mess.’

‘So I’ll come help clean,’ Aditi insisted.

‘Oh no, you can’t,’ protested Sid. He then lowered his voice and hissed, ‘I’m celebrating … with a friend.’

‘Oh? And who is this friend?’

Aditi sounded like she didn’t believe him and this hurt him a little.

‘You don’t know her,’ said Sid. ‘An old friend.’

‘Her?’ He could almost see Aditi’s raised eyebrows. ‘And I don’t know one of your old friends? Since when?’

‘There’s lots you still don’t know about me, Adu.’ Sid blew a smoke ring. ‘A new, Single and Ready-to-mingle Sid is emerging.’

There was a long pause this time, and then Aditi sighed again. Sid was vaguely aware that this had been easier than usual. She seemed more careful now about interfering in his relationships
–
good, GOOD!

When she finally spoke, it was with resignation. ‘So, I guess I don’t get to see you on your birthday. Well, as long as you’ve got company, it’s okay. Catch you later in the week?’

‘Yeah, during the week.’

‘And then we’re talking to sort it all out,’ she said, the warning clear in her tone.

‘You bet.’ Sid’s cheerfulness was undiminished. ‘Talk-talk-talk till we drop-drop-drop.’

She seemed reluctant, but said, ‘Bye.’

‘Ciao, buddy-boy.’

‘Bye,’ Aditi repeated and sounded like she was going to say something else, but he cut the call and flung his phone onto the sofa.

He then addressed his companion for the evening.

‘Did-ja hear that? It’s my
burday
! We should celebrate!’

He shifted his bum around and sank deeper into his beanbag. ‘I didn’t lie to her at all,’ Sid explained, patting her lovingly. ‘’s jus’ you and me again, Brownie.’

‘You know why I love you so much, Brownie?’ Sid slurred. ‘You’re such a good listener. You don’t judge. You don’t preach. And you’re never going to sleep with my wife. Or leave me without a knife.’ He was delighted and sat up a little straighter. ‘That rhymes!’

The room started swimming around him. Sid closed his eyes and waited for the spinning to stop. When it seemed safe, he opened his eyes and looked around slowly and cautiously. It was dark. Around midnight, he guessed. The house was very quiet and he still hadn’t got used to it. It was rather eerie.

‘But I’m not afraid!’ he announced firmly, and then jumped because his voice had a ghostly echo to it. Ever since Mandira had moved out with most of their furniture, the acoustics of the place had changed with this echo-thingy exacerbated with the stillness of the night.

‘So, Brownie.’ He closed his eyes again. ‘Shall we run through the list again?’

As always, Sid assumed Brownie’s stoic silence to mean assent, and said, ‘Our list of Things To Do Now That We Are Single…’ His face was screwed up in concentration as he ran through the list he had created and memorized. It had been the only productive thing he had done in the last few days.