Splintered Oak (Winsor Series Book 3) (25 page)

30. BLACK HOLE

NAOMI

The first time a man tells you he loves you shouldn’t be the saddest moment in your life, but as I watched Jake, my heart shattered in my chest.

He could barely stop from swaying as he stood there. His clothes were a mess, buttons opened, and the back of his shirt had been pulled free from its tight tucking. The smell of alcohol poured off of him, and I wondered if he was even aware of the lipstick smeared across his mouth.

Unable to stomach it, I turned away and walked back toward the waiting cab.

Jake grabbed my arm to stop me, pulling me back to him. “Did you hear me? I love you.” He leaned down to try and kiss me, which only made my stomach roll harder.

“Jake, stop! You have no concept of love.” Using one of Alex’s techniques, I easily freed myself from Jake’s hold. His face looked as if he was sobering up a little as he noticed the waiting cab.

“What are you doing?” he asked, desperation filling his hazy green eyes.

“I’m going home. Alex booked me a flight and it leaves in two hours.” I turned away from him, pulling open the back door to the cab. My heart wouldn’t calm and I knew the tears were close.

Jake bolted forward, shutting the door before I could move. “No, no, no, no, Naomi. Don’t do this, please; I can’t lose you too. I won’t survive it.”

He was caging me between himself and the car, pleading with me with that dark, damaged look, and the remaining pieces of my heart quivered. I reached up to touch his face, stopping to wipe away the wretched lipstick. “Jake, look at you. Losing me is the least of your problems,” I said sadly, dropping my hand.

He seemed to realize the lipstick was there and wiped what remained with his sleeve. “I know this looks bad, but I didn’t do it. I stopped. I couldn’t do it this time, because all I could see was your face. I will never love anyone like I love you, don’t you see that? You’ve changed everything.” He reached out and delicately placed his hand around my head, capturing me with his eyes as he continued to get closer.

I stared at him, wanting so badly t
o believe him, believe that he was different, but everything in me told me I had to walk away while I still could.

“Oh Jake, I’ve changed nothing. That’s the problem. That man I know, the one from the art festival and the arcade, the one who took care of me when I was sick – that man has my heart. But I was fooling myself into believing I could have one without the other. You are so lost, and I’ve allowed myself to get too close to change that now.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t you give up on me,” he pleaded, tears starting to fill his eyes.

I was powerless against my own tears now and my voice rose to yell, hurt spilling out with each breath. “This pain and desperation you have, it’s like a black hole that sucks in everyone around it because we all want to believe we can free that other man inside. And I almost fell, was almost willing to lose myself to try and save you, when all along I knew I was powerless to do so.”

I shifted away from him so I could get in the cab and away from the crushed look on his face. I started to drop into the seat and stopped, turning to look at him one more time. “I’m sorry, Jake. All this time, I’ve been trying and trying to find all the right words to make you see. To make you understand. But, I realized it’s not about me. You have to recognize your helplessness and surrender. I can’t do it for you, and I care too much to watch you not do it anymore. I’m sorry.”

The finality of my words settled on him, and he stumbled back, shaking his head as I climbed in the cab and shut the door.

“Please go,” I choked out to the driver and felt the car lurch forward. I took one quick glance back only because I couldn’t physically stop myself. Jake was still standing there, staring after the retreating cab. I pulled my head away, allowing the tears to drown away the soft, rhythmic sounds of the road. “You did the right thing,” I told myself as we drove, but as the anguish set in, I wondered if I was even capable of discerning the right thing anymore.

I thought I’d known heartbreak, that I’d known pain. But that long flight over the ocean to Portugal was a fairytale compared to the agony I felt on the way back to North Carolina.

Alex was waiting when I descended the stairs. The reception was very different than the last time we were here.

“Is this all you have?” he asked coolly as he took my overnight bag from my shoulder. I nodded and he walked toward the exit without another word.

I followed with my head down. Flurries were rampant in my stomach, and I knew my face was flushed with embarrassment. He was angry and trying to stay calm. I knew with Alex that silence was best until he was ready to talk.

He shoved my bag in the back and put the car in reverse, his gaze stopping on me as he turned to look behind him. I felt two inches tall as he stared, his eyes showing all the disappointment I dreaded seeing. I knew my eyes were puffy and my hair was a mess. He seemed to examine every inch of me as if he was trying to find his little sister in there somewhere. My eyes filled with tears that finally forced his eyes away.

We drove in silence and I stared at the window as the trees raced by. A rest stop came into view and Alex slowly pulled off the highway.

“We’re stopping?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“I need to be able to talk freely, and I can’t do that while I’m driving,” he stated flatly, his voice still a controlled rage.

Alex parked and slammed the door behind him as he headed toward a picnic area tucked away from the road. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I did this. I lied, which was always the highest offense in our household. Finding my courage, I followed Alex and stood facing him, waiting.

He crossed his arms. “I got the call from Jonathan two days ago. Two days I waited, believing you would never lie to me. Jonathan has always been a spoiled brat, and I was secretly glad you kicked him to the curb. But, I had this gnawing feeling in my gut, so I just figured I’d come see you. Prove to myself that I was being ridiculous. But, I wasn’t being ridiculous, was I Naomi? And Jonathan wasn’t lying, was he?”

“No,” I whispered at his accusing eyes. “But I had good reasons, it was horr--”

“Excuses, Naomi! Don’t give me excuses.” Alex’s voice rose an octave as he continued. “Regardless of why, you made choices, deliberate choices that you knew were wrong.”

“I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“No, you didn’t, so you may as well stop telling yourself that you did.”

I crossed my arms back at him, my embarrassment starting to turn to anger. He could sense my frustration and nodded, changing his approach. “Okay then, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I knew you wouldn’t approve.”

“Why wouldn’t I approve? If it was the right thing to do?”

“Because they were guys.”

Alex got closer, his eyes piercing mine. “And why wouldn’t I approve of you living with two single guys? One of which, I know for a fact has never had a platonic relationship with a woman before. Why wouldn’t I approve, shorty?”

Tears of anger stung my eyes. “Because you wouldn’t trust them to not take advantage of me. You wouldn’t trust me to not get involved with one of them.”

“And would I have been wrong?”

I turned away from him at this point because I couldn’t say no, and I wouldn’t lie to him again. I had played with fire and got burned, exactly what Alex was trying to point out to me.

“I know Jake, and he doesn’t have female friends. People had a running bet at parties to see how long it would take him before he headed upstairs with someone. Do you want to know his record?”

I shook my head in disgust, still refusing to look at him. I didn’t want to think of Jake going up the stairs with a girl or standing there with lipstick on his face, but I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind.

“Ten minutes, Naomi. Just ten. Now, you gave him five weeks and drove to Atlanta with him. I can only assume there was a hotel involved there somewhere.” He closed in, forced me to look at him in the eyes. “I have to know. Was five weeks enough time to break you? Did Jake Matthews get another notch on his bed post?”

I stared at him in shock. Just the fact that Alex would even have to ask showed how much trust was lost between us. “No,” I replied firmly so there would be no doubt.

Alex let out his breath and closed his eyes. Then he pulled me in for a fierce hug that broke down the last of my defenses. He consoled me as I cried, rubbing his hand over my head.

“I’m sorry,” I choked through my tears.

“It’s okay,” he soothed, still holding me. “Even if you had said yes, it would still have been okay. I just would have probably gone to jail for murder.”

I couldn’t help but laugh through my tears and pulled back to wipe them. Alex pulled me over to the picnic table and we sat, hip to hip.

“You should have told us,” he started. “We would have found a solution. We are family, shorty. We don’t lie, and we lean on each other. That’s what we do. Otherwise you find yourself in situations like this—situations that give Satan way too much opportunity. You think you’re immune to these things because you have a strong faith, but you’re not.”

I nodded in agreement, leaving us both without much more to say.

“He told me he loves me,” I finally said, needing to talk to someone about it.

Alex let out a long breath. “Of course he loves you. Any man would after just five minutes with you. But it doesn’t make a difference. You don’t share the same belief system, Naomi, and that alone is a deal breaker. You know this. I won’t even start in on the hundreds of other reasons he’s not good enough for you.”

“He’s been going to counseling, getting help. It’s changed him.” I wasn’t sure why it was so important to
me to have Alex see that Jake wasn’t the same person he knew in high school, but it was. “He’s a good man; caring, warm, and he’s fun when he lets himself be. He’s just broken.”

Alex seemed to be picking his words very carefully and turned to face me, making sure I was hearing all he had to say. “I had a good friend who fell in love with a girl in high school. She was kind, beautiful, and a good person, but she wasn’t a Christian. They thought they could just agree to disagree. After all, they were in love, right? Then they got married, had a kid too quickly, and suddenly money was tight and they were both tired. They stopped talking, stopped touching and soon after, everything fell apart. Now they are another sad statistic. It crumbled because they had no foundation, Naomi. Do you honestly think Mom and Dad would have made it through all they’ve gone through without both of them having a solid foundation of faith?”

I shook my head, knowing he was right. My mom has always been clear that she and my father have made it through almost thirty years of ups and downs only because of their mutual faith.

“Human love fades. It will never be enough. Jake may love you with all he’s capable of, but you’d be settling for that. God wants you to have so much more. He wants you to have a supernatural love, one that sustains when both of you give up. You can’t have that with someone who lacks faith. It’s just not possible.”

“I still believe that God can do a miracle in his life.”

“Then we’ll talk again after that happens. In the meantime, you need distance and time to remember who you are.”

I put my head in my hands. He was right again. I stop being objective when it comes to Jake. “Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?” I asked when I finally looked up again.

“No, you are going to tell them. Right after we get you moved into your new apartment.”

“New apartment?” I was completely confused.

Alex stood and offered me his hand. He helped me up and then chuckled. “It’s a good thing for you it was Senator Bank’s daughters. A few choice pictures and some threatening words is all it took to get you a nice private studio apartment. You’re in the grad building, but they guaranteed me they wouldn’t move you again.”

“Unbelievable,” I sighed, frustrated that Alex had solved in one day what I had been fighting for weeks. “I guess you really think I’m stupid now.”

Alex wrapped his arm around me as we walked back to the car. “Never stupid, Naomi. But you are naïve and innocent. And it’s my job to help you stay that way. I like being able to come to your rescue. That’s what big brothers are for.”

I wrapped my arms around him one more time. “Thank you,” I whispered as I squeezed him.

“Don’t make me do
it again,” he scolded, only half kidding.

“I won’t.”

We drove straight to Jake’s condo and loaded my stuff. I stared at the fruit painting and lifted it off the wall. This is how I would remember my time with Jake—beautiful, colorful, and horribly distorted. I prayed for him as I passed his room for the last time, setting my key on the side table before I left.

“Lord, it’s up to you now,” I whispered as I closed the door, knowing deep down it always had been.

31.
FORGIVENESS

JAKE

Time passed in a haze. I slept just long enough for my body to process out the whiskey I’d ingested the night before, and was on the road again before dawn broke. I looked over at the empty passenger seat that just yesterday held my life, my future. But it wasn’t just about losing Naomi. Even before the nightmare of last night, my life was empty, flawed and deeply unsatisfying. What had I expected when I came here? I couldn’t even say anymore.

I thought of her parting words. Naomi was right. I was a black hole, hurting and breaking everyone around me. People who had tried and tried to love me, to help me.

When had I become that man?

Matt said I was changing, but he didn’t know me. He thought I could fight my demons, told me to learn my opponent’s weakness, exploit their vulnerability. I did that, but not to my demons. To the innocent.

Avery’s face flashed in my mind. She had given all of herself to me, loving me unconditionally. I manipulated that love, manipulated her, until I broke her. True remorse flooded my heart, not because I lost her, but because I had wounded her. Wounds it took a good man to heal, a man who is far better than me.

A man like Grant. Shaking my head, I thought of his attempt to be there for me, to establish some kind of relationship simply because he loved Issy.

Through the snide comments, even the deliberate attempts to hurt him, Grant still came back week after week to play basketball with me. To talk to me about his God and how his faith had changed his life.

The same God Issy claimed to know. Thoughts of Issy were the worst because I couldn’t get past my own betrayal. I had cut her out of my life simply because she pulled hers together, and her strength meant I was the weak one, the one who needed help.

At the time, I couldn’t see past my anger, but now, now I just wished I could take all the words back. Hug her and tell her I love her no matter what. Too little, too late.

My life had been surrounded by people who cared, yet not once had I taken the time to appreciate it, understand it. They had shown me love and compassion, courage and loyalty. And now, here I am completely alone, having driven off everyone who tried to offer me hope.

The sadness and remorse continued to beat on me as I pulled into the parking lot at the condo. Staring across to Naomi’s empty space, I wondered if she would ever talk to me again. If she would ever forgive me for walking away simply because I didn’t want to change. Maybe part of me still hoped we had a chance, hoped it wasn’t too late.

I opened the door and slowly dragged myself inside, the weight of my shame bearing down on my exhausted body. Looking over to Naomi’s room, I noticed the door was open. She never left her room open.

Fighting against the panic rising in my chest, I hurried to the space, my fears confirmed when I stepped into the empty room. She was gone
, and so was the last of my strength.

Collapsing against her blank wall, the tears began ripping apart my heart. I pulled out my phone and dialed her number. Voicemail. I couldn’t find any words to say; there were none.

I held onto the phone and dialed another number. The voicemail didn’t surprise me this time. Shaking, I spoke words I knew she would probably never hear.

“Issy, honey, it’s Jake. I’m sorry.” I paused as the sobs started to choke me again. “I’m sorry for letting you down, for not trusting you with the truth, and for resenting you for being happy. I didn’t know how to be around your light. It only made my darkness feel more severe.”

I stopped again, getting a little more under control before I continued. “I met my father. He said he wanted me. Can you believe it? All this time, I thought, well, I don’t know what I thought, but I didn’t think that. I’m realizing something, Issy. I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to do, where to go. You’re gone. Naomi’s gone. I want to be a better man. I just don’t know how…”

My voice trailed off as the pain hit me again. I settled myself on the ground and closed my eyes, gripping the phone to my chest as if it held my lifeline.

But there was no lifeline, not anymore. A self fulfilled prophecy…I was completely alone.

Issy
was here, kneeling, rubbing her hand over my head in a soothing manner. Had I fallen asleep, drifting off into a world where all the horrors of this last year were gone? It wouldn’t be the first time I’d tried to live in the past since my long spiral downward.

I blinked, wanting to see her closer. She looked better. The bruising was only a dull yellow against her porcelain skin.

“Jake, wake up. I’m here,” she whispered.

“I don’t want to wake up. You’ll just disappear again.”

She smiled and pulled at me to sit up. I noticed her other hand was in a cast and she was still gingerly moving her torso. Awakening, I realized this wasn’t a dream. She was here.

“You’re real?” I
gingerly touched the largest bruise on her cheek.

“I got your message and knew I had to come.”

“But why? You hate me. You have every reason to hate me. I hurt you.” I sat up straighter, watching her with alert eyes now.

“I was angry at you for a while. Couldn’t understand why you didn’t tell me Robbie was still after me. But how could I withhold grace from you when I have been given so much? We all hurt people, Jake, but that is why forgiveness is such a gift.”

I stared at her in awe, suddenly aware of the risk she took in coming here. “How did you even get here? Is it safe?”

“Grant brought me. He’s waiting outside.”

“But why? Why would he risk it?”

Issy smiled and then touched my tear streaked face. “He loves me
, and I love you. It was a pretty easy decision.”

I was at a loss for words, unable to fathom how she could be so kind, so loving after all I had said and done.

“I brought something for you,” she continued, pulling out an envelope from her purse. “It’s my story, every ugly bit of it. I should have told it to you right away, but instead I was afraid. Afraid of pushing you away or coming off as one of those Bible beaters we used to make fun of. But, God has shown me that my story is powerful because the miracle He did in my life is powerful. What you choose to do with it is up to you, Jake. I can’t force you into anything.”

I took the thick envelope with shaking hands. I felt like she was giving me a piece of herself and I wanted to cherish the gesture, one I completely didn’t deserve.

She stood carefully and I followed, unsure what to do or say next. Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around me, and I felt something inside me break.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried, holding her as tight as I could without hurting her.

“I know. It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

We stayed that way, until the thought of letting go didn’t rip my heart out. She wiped her eyes and reached down to grab her purse. “I have to go.”

I knew she did, but hated it all the same. “When will I see you again?”

She shrugged and smiled apologetically. Of course she didn’t kn
ow. As long as Robbie was free, Issy would be a prisoner.

“We’re going to get him,” I promised. “Somehow.”

“God is in control of this, even if I don’t understand His purpose all the time. You just worry about you, okay? I’m content.”

When did she get so strong?

We walked toward the front door and I hugged her one more time before letting her leave. “Tell Grant I said thank you, and I’m sorry.” The words came out before I realized it, but I knew I meant them. 

She reached up to kiss my cheek and then quickly disappeared. It had gotten dark, and the threat of rain hovered in the air, but I could still see Grant sitting in the car, watching.

We made eye contact, a long challenging one that conveyed a non-verbal warning. I nodded in response, conceding that Issy was where she belonged. He turned and drove away.

I watched until they disappeared and then pulled out the pages covered with Issy’s delicate handwriting. She left no detail out, admitting to all the hurt and anger she’d kept hidden for so long. With each page, I understood her grief, her fear. I hurt when she hurt, cried when she cried, and rejoiced when she finally found her peace.

Peace that had sustained even as Robbie attacked her. Peace that was pulling her through the healing she was going through both physically and emotionally. Peace that told her one day I might know the feeling too.

I glanced down at the last words, gasping at their familiarity. The same words I read to Naomi in the hospital, only Issy had highlighted:
He restores my soul.

Thunder rolled outside, reminding me of my mother. Had she been right about the rain? Could the water heal the hurts, could it really stop the pain? As if she answered me, I heard the downpour start, calling to me as droplets rapped along the windowsill.

I stood, shaking with anticipation, and followed the sound. The water was cool as it pelted against my skin, a vast contrast to the heat coming off the pavement. I turned upward, staring at the dark sky, searching for some answer. But the rain was empty, just as it had been when I’d done this a year ago. I didn’t want to be empty anymore; didn’t want to be broken.

He restores your soul.

The words hung in the air as if they had been whispered from heaven. Why would you? I wondered still staring up at the sky. Why me?

Because I love you.

I felt the air escape my lungs right as I fell to my knees. Naomi told me to surrender. Issy’s letter promised He could set me free, take away the pain. I had fed on the misery for so long, used it to drive me, define me. Giving up the despair scared me, but I wanted peace more. Wanted the peace Issy has. The peace that allowed her to forgive me.

My voice shook and the tears mingled with the rain. “Lord, I am a broken man, abandoned, lost. I have nothing to offer you, nothing to give you in exchange for what I seek. I want to be restored; I want the pain to go away.”

I stayed there, soaked, begging, surrendering, until I finally felt it—the healing. My heart beat rapidly as I cried. The beat was strong and for the first time in my life, my heart felt full, whole. All this time, it wasn’t the rain that healed, but the maker of the rain…my savior.

David came home while I was still toweling off from my shower. Throwing on some gym shorts, I followed the sound. He was standing by Naomi’s door, shaking his head as he added her key back on his key ring.

Turning to look at me, he sighed. “I hate that she left like that. Her brother was pretty outraged, but I thought Naomi could make him understand. Where have you been, by the way?”

“Screwing up my life, then fixing it. It’s been a pretty busy forty-eight hours.” I wasn’t sure where the grin came from, but I couldn’t seem to keep it contained.

David eyed me suspiciously and then walked toward the living room, offering me a seat. “Now’s as good as time as any, I guess,” he started, looking slightly nervous.

I sat across from him, waiting.

“Ashley and I set a date tonight. February tenth. She wants to start moving stuff in at the New Year and just stay with her parents until then. I know your lease isn’t up until the end of January, but we were just thinking, if you could maybe start to look for a new place before the end of the year, it would really be helpful.”

I smiled, patting my legs as I stood. “You got it. I’ll start looking right away. You’ve been more than gracious to me; it’s the least I can do.”

David stood as well, watching me like I was possessed.

Maybe I
was; I wasn’t totally sure how this whole following God thing worked. All I knew was I felt lighter, happier somehow.

“By the way, why didn’t you ever tell me you had a girlfriend or bring her over?” I asked before I stepped into my room.

David looked uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “Honestly, because Ashley is beautiful. Way too beautiful for someone like me. And, well, you’re a good looking guy, Jake, a charmer. Plus, we both know you don’t have any problem with moving in on someone’s girl.”

Laughter billowed from my gut as I stared at him. Man, I was such a jerk. “Are you telling me all this time you thought I’d steal your girl?”

David shrugged, embarrassed. “I don’t know. I just wasn’t willing to risk it.”

“Why did you even let me move in? We both know you don’t need the money.”

“Something just told me I needed to. Couldn’t even sleep until I offered the place to you,” David admitted.

I walked over to him and slapped his arm, squeezing it affectionately. “You’re a good man, David. What you did mattered. Thank you.”

David just stared at me and stumbled over his words. “You’re welcome.”

I stepped away and headed back to my room.

“So what happened with Naomi?”

Turning one more time, I took a moment to put it in words. Finally I chuckled. “She wised up, kicked my butt to the c
urb. But that’s what I needed, a good kick in the pants.”