Stay (13 page)

             
I can see his chest rise and fall faster. “What do you want me to say!? That I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the first night that we met? That I regret leaving you but I wasn’t given a choice? Do you want to hear how if I could change my life to be able to be with you, I would? Is that what you want hear, Alexandra!?” He screams, shaking me fiercely by my arms. Easily leaving bruises behind.

             
The pain I feel isn’t from him hurting me physically. It’s from hearing the pain in his voice, the pain that I wish I could take away.
Could it be possible that he actually wanted to stay with me? Does he feel the same way about me as I do about him? Or did I just hear him wrong because of all those Long Islands I just had?

             
As I focus in on his face I am certain I see the sincerity in them but that’s not going to cut it this time. I need to hear him say what he feels and wants from me out loud.

             
“I just want the truth about how you feel about me—about us…. Tell me you care, Jason…ask me to stay—“ I beg.

             
He looks me over before stepping away abruptly.

             
My heart sinks.

             
He rubs his hands up and down his head, looking tense. As he drops his arms to his sides he looks at me with hooded eyes.

             
He takes a step closer shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I’m not good for you, Alexandra. I can’t give you what you want. I can’t love you. I am so sorry—I—I…” He shrugs and looks at the ground.

             
My feet feel like they are embedded to the concrete because I cannot move even though I want to get as far away from him as possible because he just shattered every remaining piece I still had of my heart.

             
I just keep staring at him willing him to say what I want him to in order to not feel this pain.

             
Instead he continues to break my heart with his words, “Look, I just wanted to tell you that I’m happy that you’re seeing someone new. I hear he’s a great guy. I just--I’m happy to see you with someone good and that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated—“

             
Though his tense shoulders and set jaw say that he feels differently, it feels like he just twisted the knife he lodged in my chest a long time ago.

             
With tears streaming down my face I give up because I can no longer do this with him. The hurt I feel needs to be buried, never to be relived.

             
It’s now or never for him and me. There’s no more games, there can’t be. My heart can no longer take his hot and cold.

             
If he doesn’t want this, I can’t force him. I don’t want him to be with me because I forced him. I want him to
want
me.

             
“Is that what you want, Jason--for me to move on from you?” I ask hurt at what he’s asking me to do.

             
I turn at the sudden sound of someone coming out of the bar.

             
I hear ‘Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart’ by Alicia Keys playing inside.
God, lover’s night at the bar tonight is just so fucking convenient right now. Great! Just add on to the waterworks I already have going on
.

             
I look back at him shaking my head at my thoughts.

             
He finally looks up, and then takes a step closer to me. With a softer demeanor he reaches out to wipe my tears away with both his thumbs.

             
He looks at me intently, “I-Y-Yes, I won’t be with you—I can’t…” He whispers.

             
At that moment all I can register is the lone tear that streams slowly down his face.

             
It takes a minute for his words to hit me. When they do, my heart stops and I can no longer look at him, so I look down—dumbfounded.

             
I get the courage to look up at him one more time to give him a chance to take back those words, but he doesn’t. All I see is that for the first time since I’ve met him his eyes are finally allowing me to see right through him.

             
Deep in those blue eyes I see that he’s lying to me but I know now that it’s too late because he hasn’t said anything about wanting me to stay with him or even wanting to be with me.

             
On top of all that, maybe I’m just seeing things that I want to be there but aren’t, because I want to believe he has feelings for me. But he’s just confirmed to me that he doesn’t and now that I think about it, he always has. He’s never going to love me the way I love him and because of that I’m going to set myself free. Free from the pain he’s causing me--has caused me.

             
Realizing this just now when we’re both in tears staring at each other has turned my world upside down.

             
But I manage to keep it together when I close the gap between us and whisper my parting words in his ear, “Done. Consider it done. Goodbye, Jason—I love you…” I linger for a couple of minutes taking his scent in one last time before I abruptly pull away from him and turn to walk away.

             
This time he doesn’t reach out for me.

             
I know those parting words will come back to haunt me like his picture—but for right now it’s what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to stop this horrible emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with him these past months.

             
I don’t dare turn to look back at him, I can’t, even if I wanted to because it would break me even more and Magda’s right—I can’t keep doing this to myself.  I NEED to move on from him in order to keep some sort of sanity.

             
Realizing that Magda’s been right all along makes me sob all the way to my dorm but also because deep down inside I know that I just walked away from the love of my life and this time I know I will never see him again.

             
I sob harder at the loss of my best friend and lover telling me that I have to move on from him with someone I know will never replace him.

             
As I run into my room, I fall to my knees and immediately hug myself because it feels like my whole world has come to an end.

             
How can Jason of all people want me to move on? Is it that easy? Has he moved on that quickly?
I contemplate this as I try to stand up.

             
When I finally do, I open the drawer of my desk and find the book that holds my last picture of him.

             
I take it out from where it lays folded in two—between the pages of the story when Harper loses the love of her life—I open it to see his face one last time. I hold my hand up to cover my loud cries that looking at his eyes evokes from me.

             
I crumple the picture up and smash the book closed.
You did it again, Jason. I lost you again.
I throw the book back in the drawer and shake my head to try and free myself of the pain he’s caused me.

             
I get angry again and that’s when I turn to face the full length mirror behind me.

              I see a complete stranger looking back at me. I have a black smeared face with puffy blood shot eyes and my hair is a mess from the walk here.

             
Seeing how depressed I look makes me wonder what the hell happened to me.
When did I become this pathetic?

             
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands roughly. “I refuse to cry anymore for something that was totally one sided. It’s my fault—I’m the one that was stupid enough to think we had something,” I tell my reflection.

             
I look down and start to dust off my blue jeans. Then, I straighten out my blue Polo button up shirt.

             
“Everyone wants me to move on…FINE! I’ll move on, Jason...just watch me!” I grunt and adjust my hair which at this point looks like a birds nest.

             
Fuck it
, not like I give a shit about what I look like right now but I figure it’s presentable enough to go do what I’m about to do.

             
I pull open the door with full force and it hits Magda’s dresser as I walk out, slamming shut behind me.

             
“Fuck me...here goes nothing.” I mutter, standing up straighter and pushing my boobs up.

             
I make way down the stairs and out the door towards Zac’s dorm.

             
I hope I don’t live to regret this.

Chapter Six

4 years later

              The inside is dimly lit with candles on top of each small round table and Jazz music is playing in the background--
gag
.

             
I look around and notice that no one else is in the restaurant besides us and the hostess, which I find strange but shrug it off as it being too early in the evening.

             
We make our way towards the middle table and take our seats facing each other.

             
“Your waiter will be right with you.” The petite blue eyed blonde says with a bright smile handing us our menus—
double gag
.

             
Ok, so maybe I have to stop doing that, but honestly I despise Jazz music just as much as fake blondes with fake teeth and fake personalities, so sue me. You’d think Zac would know this by now, I mean we have been dating for three years now—
Triple gag
….
Dammit, I have to control myself. Move on, Alex, move on.

             
“So, pretty girl, you like this place?” Zac asks pulling me out of my bitchy thoughts.

             
I lower my head to roll my eyes at his pedo-philish nickname for me. I hate it when he calls me that. It makes me feel like I’m dating either a porn star or a pedophile.
Breathe, Alex, breathe…

             
I look around the room to help me calm down. “I love it, it’s nice and quiet. Although, it’s kind of odd that it’s pretty empty. You’d think for it being the best restaurant in town there would be more people.”

             
Black & Tan is supposed to be the most expensive and exclusive restaurant in De Pere so it’s a bit weird that no one is here, especially on a Friday night.

             
“Yes, I suppose it is odd,” he agrees.

             
He reaches for my hand and smirks. I let him hold it and force a smile
. Dammit, I should be nicer.

             
He is a sweet guy and everyone loves him because of it. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and he hates the party scene. Overall, he seems to be the perfect guy to take home to your parents, if you have any that care that is.

             
I chose to move on and this is the path I took so I have to try, for my sake and sanity. I should want to be with him, he’s everything a girl could want and need but for some reason it’s just never felt right between us.
Never.

             
Our waiter comes over at this point and I force myself to stop being such a Debbie-Downer. He’s doing something nice, like he always does, so I need to try and pretend I like it.

             
We order our drinks and food then we make small talk while we wait.

             
It’s always been easy to talk to him but not about my feelings, just generic things like his new job with Ameriprise Financial that he just got after we graduated last week. He’s officially a certified financial planner which apparently means he’ll be making a lot of money—not that I care but it explains why we are at the “most expensive restaurant” in town.

             
Anyway, we keep our small talk going while eating our food, nothing deep. It’s mostly about him and what he has going on, which is fine by me because I have nothing going on.

             
After graduating last week with a Communications Degree and not knowing what to do with it, I’ve pretty much just laid around my apartment with Magda trying to look for “suitable” positions.

             
We’ve lived together in that apartment for two years now. It was a decision we made at the end of our sophomore year. We just had enough of the on-campus housing at that point so we went in on it together. Really, Magda’s parents paid for the whole thing. So I haven’t paid for anything, which is fine by me.

             
She’s never around anyway because she works long hours at Skyline Associates as an Accountant which is what her degree is in. So I have the apartment to myself a lot.

             
“Earth to Alex…” Zac waves his hand in front of my face.

             
“Sorry...uh...did you ask me something?” I ask apologetically.

             
He laughs a little making the corner of his mouth wrinkle a bit. “Yes, pretty girl, I asked if you wanted dessert.”

             
I look down and pat my tummy with a smile, “No, I’m fine, thank you. Everything was delicious, I’m stuffed.”

             
“Are you sure? We’ll have a piece of chocolate cake together. Doesn’t that sound good?” He says placing his elbows on the table and looking at me with a mischievous smile.

             
What is up with him?
Why would he ask if I wanted some if he really didn’t give a shit about my answer?
Breathe, Alex…breathe.

             
“Of course,” I say through clenched teeth.

             
My whole body tenses as I begin to feel like he’s suffocating me as usual.

             
I take a deep breath as he calls the waiter over and orders the cake. Which I’m sure will be a tiny portion like the rest of the food here. I took two bites from my steak and it was gone. What the fuck is that about?

             
I don’t get the appeal of this place. That’s probably the reason for it being empty right now.
Ugh!
I just want this night to be over
….Dammit, Alex, try dammit, try.

             
Zac takes both my hands in his and I look up at him. He still has that smirk on his face.

             
“What are you smirking about?”I question impatiently.

             
“Nothing, just enjoying your pretty face,” he says a little sluggish.

             
Ummm okay
. I don’t know what to say to that so I just smile at him but I can feel it’s not genuine. I am trying though.

             
The cake finally comes and the waiter sets it in between us.

             
I try to look at the plate but he squeezes and tightens his hold on my hands, making me look up at him to see what that was about. He suddenly gets out of his chair and kneels right in front of me.

             
I look at him with my brows furrowed in confusion. “Are you all right?” I ask baffled with his actions.

             
“I’m perfect…look, Alex, I love you more than life itself. I know that one day. You’ll feel the same way about me. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere and I want you to always be with me so that I can protect you and take care of you. I’ll never hurt you or leave you. I want you to be my wife so that we can start our lives together and erase the past,” he declares looking into my eyes earnestly.

             
He slides the plate towards me. I look away from him to look at the plate and there in raspberry sauce
“Will you marry me?”
is written.

             
What is happening?
Is he for real?
Oh my god, can I do this?...I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t love him, I never have and I know in my heart I never will. Can I still do it, regardless? Can I really try with this guy?

             
“I won’t be with you”
Jason’s words hit me like a freight train straight through the heart.
What am I waiting for?
Nothing --this has to stop, it’s been years now.

             
Maybe making myself fully commit to someone else will make this ache in my heart go away for good. This man just declared his love for me and I should accept it. He wants to love me the way I deserve to be loved.

             
I shouldn’t start thinking about Jason right now anyway. He’s nothing but a memory, a fantasy. He never wanted to love me the way Zac says he does and will.
He told you to move on, Alex, he obviously didn’t want to be with you.

             
I know I’ll never be able to love him, but maybe if I try, I’ll get there someday….
right?

             
I look around the room and see that a small crowd has formed around us. Every waiter, waitress, bartender, and cook from the looks of it, is around our table waiting for my answer.

             
I swallow loudly and look back down at him. His eyes are full of excitement and anticipation.

             
He takes out a black velvet box from his pocket and opens it to reveal a huge princess cut round diamond surrounded by baguettes.
Tacky anyone?

             
“What do you say pretty girl, marry me?”

             
My shoulders go stiff and my lips thin out. I can’t get myself to answer his question.
I don’t know what to say…

             
All I keep hearing is
his
voice telling me,
“I won’t be with you”
.

             
So, move on, I will, Jason. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.

             
“Y-Yes…” I whisper hesitantly.

             
Everyone erupts with cheers and clapping while Zac stands up taking me with him and kissing me roughly.

             
I don’t return the kiss. I just stand there in shock at what just happened.

             
He pulls back and he has a huge smile on his face.“I love you,” he whispers near my ear.

             
I nod and he grabs my hand lifting it up in the air. “She said yes!”

             
The small crowd that gathered claps louder before they start congratulating us.

             
I stand there for who knows how long with a fake smile on my face looking anywhere but at Zac.

             
I don’t think I can look him in the eye right now because he’ll know I don’t want to marry him…he’ll know the only person I ever want to marry and spend the rest of my life with is Jason—my Jason.

             
The one I have vivid memories of everyday.

             
The one that let me cry on his shoulder after reading the part in
Taking Chances
when my favorite character dies.

             
The one that made me feel beautiful and wanted even if I was wearing sweatpants and no make-up.

             
The one that didn’t care if I said “nipple-fuck” at the most inappropriate times—which was all the time.
God, I’m a broken record.

             
I look down to my feet as Zac gets high fives and slaps on the back from this crowd. I realize like a dumbass then, that he rented out the restaurant so that he could do this.

             
That makes me feel worse because he doesn’t deserve me thinking about someone else, he’s good and safe.

             
I need to get it together, I can do this. I can move on just like Jason did after that night at Bobba’s. Not that I’ve heard anything about him moving on or anything remotely close to that. But I’m sure that after three years he doesn’t even remember my name.
Dammit!

             
Plastering on another fake smile, I hug Zac and kiss him passionately to try and forget the one whose kisses I still remember so vividly.

             
People cheer loudly. 

             
I can do this...I will do this…I have to...

***

              I lay on my side in the fetal position next to the bed recalling the night I sealed my fate a little over a year ago with a man I thought was best for me in order to forget Jason.

             
“Come on, Alex, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?” Zac yells kneeling in front of me.

             
I keep staring at the white wall instead of him.

             
I can feel his menacing look on me. The one he always gets when this happens.

             
It doesn’t faze me anymore so I don’t budge.

             
I see him stand up from the corner of my eye. “Fucking coward.” I hear him say in disgust.

             
He starts kicking me in the stomach again, repeatedly. I wince from the pain there but it’s nothing compared to the throbbing pain in my head that’s coming from the blow I took on the edge of the nightstand after his first punch.