Stay (22 page)

             
I feel so terrible for him that I wish I wasn’t attached to all these machines so that I could be holding him right now, showing him that I care and that I know what it’s like—that feeling of helplessness.

             
“I’m sorry, Jason—I—I wish you didn’t have to experience that and that you would have told me...I thought we had something--” My voice cracks because I can no longer hold it together.

             
He shakes his head adamantly.  “No, that was not an option for me. I didn’t want you anywhere near my fucked up life. I didn’t want to taint you. When I left, I told myself that it would be easy for you to move on and forget about me. I knew that it wouldn’t be the same for me, but I HOPED that it would be. I didn’t mean to fall for you. I didn’t mean to meet you. I wasn’t planning on you—“He pauses and clears his throat.

             
“When I got home, I fixed things. I stopped allowing my father to destroy our family more than he already had. My sister and I went to the cops and he ended up going to jail for a very long time. It took my mother a while to get past what had occurred and we have all been going to therapy together. A couple of weeks later, we heard that my father had killed his cellmate and was going to spend the rest of his life in that hellhole. Making me feel like for the first time in my life I was finally free—free to live my life with…you. It’s taken me all these years to come to that conclusion and to come to terms with the fact that I am NOT my father’s son…I choose not to be.” He states matter of factly.

             
I don’t respond because I know he has more to get off his chest and quite frankly, I’m just in shock about the whole thing and can’t speak.

             
“Alexandra, we did have something back then…we still do now, dammit. That hasn’t changed to this day. I know you feel it just as much as I do. It’s like nothing changed between us and we’re just—us—when we’re together it’s as if nothing and nobody can hurt us. I was afraid of those feelings before because of my past and what I thought I would become…but I’m not afraid anymore. I know now, that I could never be him. He’s a monster and I’m a better person now for accepting that he and I are NOT the same. I’m here now and I’m staying. I’m not letting ANYBODY hurt you. I should have never left you to begin with and for that I’m sorry.” He finishes, looking disappointed.

             
There are endless tears streaming down my face now at his confession. I try to move closer but all these things are preventing me from doing it.

             
I do the only thing I can and place my hand on his cheek again. “Oh, Jason…I—I’m sorry for everything that you’ve been through. I’m so sorry. But listen to me. You have to know that you could have never tainted me with your life. I wanted to be with you and I would have stayed with you through it all. I could have helped you…I—I was tainted way before you met me, Jason…I just never told you…” I confess.

             
His eyes go wide and his grip tightens on my hand. “What are you talking about, Alexandra?”

             
Looking into his eyes makes me feel at home, like they always have. I know that I should have been honest with him then, maybe things could have been different. It’s too late now, though, I know that, but it’s time for me to be as honest with him as he’s been with me.

             
“Jason—my mother was the same as your father. It was just her and I so I was her only punching bag. It was like that for me until I left for college. I never said anything to anyone because I didn’t want anyone’s pity or sympathy. I wanted everyone to know who I was and not what I had come out of or what I went through. I left that behind me, pretending like I didn’t have a family was an easier option than letting everyone know I had an abusive mother. The sick part about it was that she always wanted me to fight back. She said that way we were even—that’s why I more than understand what’s happened in your life and that’s why I can lay here and tell you that who your parents are doesn’t mean shit. I’m nothing like my mother and you’re nothing like your father. I wanted to tell you so bad, I did, but you were the ONE person I couldn’t handle looking back at me with sad eyes, thinking that I was pathetic for allowing it to happen for so long. I couldn’t stand the thought so I just never said anything.” I say putting everything out there, all the pain, all the sorrow…everything. Like he did.

             
He stands from his chair and starts pacing the room angrily.

             
“How is that possible?! How can anyone want to hurt you? Especially, your mother! I swear I’ll kill them if they ever come near you again!” He shouts, more to himself than me.

             
He starts to rub the back of his neck franticly, like he’s about to throw everything in here out the window.

             
I panic and try to calm him down, “Jason, it’s over now. She’s no longer in my life. Come back to me, please,” I plead, extending my hand so that he can come and sit next to me.

             
He takes one long deep breath before accepting it.

             
Slowly, he lowers himself on the edge of the bed and pulls me close to his chest.

             
Looking down at me he soothes, “I’m sorry. I just get a little crazy at the thought of someone hurting you.”

             
I sigh, “I know Jason, but it’s over now,” I declare.

             
He takes a big sigh of relief, “It is. I’ll make sure of it.”

             
His fingers caress my hair, “Alexandra, I want you to know that I would have never looked at you with pity. I love you baby, I always have and that would not have changed my feelings towards you. If anything it makes me want to protect you more even though I think you are the strongest person I know. I’m only sorry that it’s too late to change what’s happened but we can start new now…I’ve worked through my issues with my father. My family is more solid than it has ever been. I know that I love you more than anything in this world and I don’t want to lose you. We belong together…we always have. It’s just taken us a long time to get here—together,” he soothes.

             
I sigh and remind us both of our true reality, “I wish I could say things are good with me too, Jason, but they’re not. I have an abusive husband that refuses to give me a divorce. I’ve been dealing with this for a little over a year now. Since, he didn’t show his true colors until after we got married.”

             
I feel his body tense.

             
Looking up at his face I see a tick in his jaw.

             
“He’s never coming near you again. I told you. I’ll kill anybody,” he states angrily.

             
I pull back from his embrace a little to grab his shoulder. “Stop it. You’re not killing anybody. He’s harmless. Just a piece of shit stuck on the wall that needs some cleaning…” I try to say with a smile but I know I don’t pull it off.

             
His eyes are cold as ice when he responds, “He WILL NOT hurt you again. Nobody will, I can promise you that.”

             
Knowing that the air in the room has changed dramatically I concede, “Okay, okay. He won’t hurt me again…”

             
The door opens suddenly and I see Nurse Betty standing there with a huge grin on her face.

             
She walks towards my bed and Jason stands up to move away.

             
I want to complain but I know she has to do her job.

             
“I just have to check your vitals, Miss. Sorry to interrupt.” She says apologetically.

             
“No problem, Betty, just make sure she’s okay,” Jason says turning to look at her with a smile.

             
I sigh and let her play with me for a few minutes before she finally decides to leave.

             
I start getting really tired but I can hear her tell Jason on the way out that everything looked good and that I should get some rest.

             
She leaves and I yawn.

             
Jason comes near my bed again. “You should rest. I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

             
I’m so tired at this point that I just nod my head and drift off to sleep.

Chapter Thirteen

              It seems like it’s the middle of the night when I wake up next to the annoying beeping sound of that heart monitor.
Ugh! Of course, I wouldn’t get any sleep in a fucking hospital…

             
I look around and find Jason lying on that awful couch that is surely not comfortable.

             
I stare at him for what seems like forever before it dawns on me that he’s actually here with me. He didn’t leave.
Is he really here to stay?

             
I want to go over there and touch him…just to feel him, so that I know he’s real, but all these damn cords are stopping me from doing it.

             
I sigh heavily and do the only thing I can do…whisper, “Jason…”

             
There’s rustling and movement on the couch before I repeat, “Jason!” in a louder voice.

             
He jumps and falls off the couch.

             
I laugh silently.

             
“Alexandra? You okay?” He asks panicked.

             
He moves to stand up and comes towards my bed rubbing his eyes.

             
I smile innocently as I grab his hand to feel his touch. “Yes. I just wanted to make sure you were real. I thought I had dreamt that you were really here.”

             
I notice then that he’s only wearing a tight white t-shirt and some blue scrubs for pajama pants.
Dear Lord, someone shoot me!
I look at his face and even in the dark he looks as handsome as ever.

             
He bends down to talk in my ear, “Of course, I’m here. I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

             
I shiver at how raspy his voice sounds. I know that sound and it’s always turned me on.
Shit!
The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly again.

             
I point my head at the annoying machine. “Can you do something about that?”

             
Pulling back to look at me he says, “Like what?”

             
I shrug. “I don’t know, like unplug it? I don’t want to hear it anymore and someone’s going to come in here if it beeps faster…”

             
He shakes his head vigorously. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, babe. They have it on you for a reason. Why don’t you just…“

             
“Dammit Jason, unplug that damn thing or so help me, I will get up and do it myself.” I threaten.

             
Defeated, he walks over to the outlet and unplugs the heart monitor.

             
The beeping stops and I give a sigh of relief.

             
He walks back over quietly and stands next to my bed again.

             
I move slightly to the right as much as I can before I motion for him to lie next to me.

             
“Alexandra—“He warns.

             
“Shush…I’m fine. Just do it. I want to make sure you’re here, Jason, please…” I whisper.

             
He gives in. He lies next to me slowly to make sure he doesn’t hurt me.

             
I smile at him but he doesn’t return it.

             
He moves to lie on his side then looks directly at me before placing his hand softly on my cheek. “I’m here, baby. I’m NOT going anywhere.” He assures me.

             
I close my eyes at the feel of his touch. When I open them again, I see what I’ve always known was there but never thought could be—love.

             
He gets closer so that our noses are touching. “I’ve missed you, Alexandra. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you…” He whispers.

             
His hand slides down my neck and into my hair.

             
My eyes close again involuntarily, at the feel of his skin on mine.

             
Almost breathless I whisper back, “God, Jason…I’ve missed you too—“

             
He starts kissing the side of my face where the bandages are then gently pulls my head back so that he has better access to my neck.

             
My body starts burning for his touch everywhere. My stomach tightens at the anticipation.

             
Finally, he pulls me towards his rock hard body.

             
“I don’t want to hurt you…but I want you so bad right now, please tell me if I’m hurting you,” he says raggedly.

             
Without any hesitation I assure him, “You’re not hurting me…please—“

             
He doesn’t let me finish because his lips are on mine then.

             
I feel my heart rate pick up so I’m grateful that the heart monitor is unplugged or it would be going crazy right now.

             
Our kiss is slow and gentle, just like I remember them being. I reach over to wrap one arm around his shoulder to make him come closer.

             
He takes this opportunity to climb over me, conscious that he’s not hurting me.

             
We kiss for the longest time because it’s been over four years since we’ve been together. I want to savor every moment in case this is the last time.

             
He pulls away and starts kissing every inch of my face. Then he goes back to my neck.

             
Slowly he starts pulling my gown down until I’m free of it—at least on one side because there’s cords attached to me on the other.

             
His eyes roam over my body. “You’re so beautiful, Alexandra…I can’t believe I’m here now—with you. I thought I was going to have to spend the rest of my life just listening to your voice…” He says breathlessly.

             
Wait—What?
I haven’t talked to him since that fateful night…
. His fingertips graze the top of my shoulders then move down to lightly caress every inch of my chest and stomach making me forget the confusion behind his sweet words.

             
My body explodes with goose bumps from his touch and my thoughts are replaced with only want for my one and only.

             
I can’t wait anymore for him so I grab his shirt with the little strength I have and pull him down on me. “I need you now Jason, I’ve waited too long…” I say in between kissing him.

             
In a husky voice he says, “I know, baby, I need you too…so fucking bad, but I don’t think this is a good idea. Anyone can walk in and you’re hurt…”

             
I stop kissing him and look up. “I’m not hurt right now, Jason, please—“

             
Again, he doesn’t let me finish because next thing I know he’s on me like white on rice and then he’s wonderfully naked on top of me.

             
I run my fingers down his sculpted chest while looking into his eyes lovingly.

             
Both my hands caress the sides of his face. “There’s never been anyone but you, Jason—I love you so much it hurts. I want you to stay. I don’t want you to leave me—I won’t be able to handle it this time. I can’t live without you. Tell me now…” I plead before I’m lost in him once again.

             
With his voice barely above a whisper, he soothes me, “I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry for ever leaving. It’s always been you. I always wanted to stay—I’m staying now, Alexandra. I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’ve waited to come back for you for so long. I haven’t been living any kind of life without you.”

             
A few stray tears run down the side of my face when he bends down and kisses me softly.

             
A quiet moan escapes me as his hands move up my legs.

             
Slowly and gently he repositions me on the bed so that he doesn’t hurt me.

             
Before entering me he speaks softly, “I’ve waited so long for this moment, Alexandra—I love you more now than I did before, baby. You’re mine and I’m yours—“

             
I hold onto his shoulders as he slowly pushes into me.

             
I gasp and he moans loudly. “God, baby, you’re so tight…I’ve missed being inside you…so much.”

             
I look into his eyes and hold his stare. “I’ve been waiting for you, Jason. There’s no one else I’ve ever wanted as much as I do you, you’re the reason I hold on—“

             
A tear slides down his face as he slowly picks up the pace.

             
Tenderly and carefully he makes love to me whispering loving things in my ear.

             
As we both cry out in pleasure I think about how this is the whole reason I’ve held on. For this very moment—the moment that would bring us together again.

             
The reason for everything I’ve endured is right in front of me. Jason is my reason to breathe, to live…to exist.

             
As he puts both him and me back together in case my nurse comes in, I think about how much I’ve missed this man. How much I’ve wanted him to be with me through the hard times. I’ve missed him so much that it’s always felt like there was a hole in my heart. I’ve just never been the same since he left.

             
He lies next to me now, holding me the same way I remember he used to.

             
A satisfied sigh leaves me and I grab onto his shirt to make sure he’s not going anywhere.

             
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He asks, worried.

             
I smile up at him. “No…you made me feel better,” I assure him.

             
He smiles his beautiful smile with his sexy dimples and all. “Good. You made me feel better, too. Although, I can’t believe we just made love on a hospital bed.”

             
A giggle escapes my lips as I snuggle in the crook of his neck breathing him in.

             
I can’t believe he’s here so I have to keep reassuring myself that he’s real and it’s not just my mind playing games with me.

             
I still have so many unanswered questions that I know if I don’t get them answered I’ll still feel like this is all a dream.

             
“Jason...” I whisper.

             
“Yes, baby?”

             
“Why did you come back that second time—the last time I saw you at Bobba’s—why?” I ask trying to put the pieces together.

             
He tenses so I look up at him. He doesn’t look back down to me.

             
He sighs and rubs his face before answering, “I—I had heard that you were seeing
Zac
from one of the guys and I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I wanted to see that you were moving on from me with my own eyes. I—I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I needed reassurance that you were over me because I wasn’t over you. I was being selfish and stupid—I wanted to see you so badly that I made myself believe I just wanted to wish you well. I thought when I saw you it would be easy to say ‘I’m happy for you’ but it turned into something else…and for that I’m sorry. If I could take that day back, I would because that’s the day I lost you to someone I thought you deserved. I was so wrong but I couldn’t see it because my family life was stopping me from living my own life. They needed me and it blinded me in so many ways. You have no idea how much I regret that day, Alexandra—it’s kept me up at night. Just thinking about what could have been if I would have just told you what was going on and not told you to move on. You wouldn’t be here—you wouldn’t have had to go through the abuse you did—I thought I was protecting you. I’m so sorry…” His voice breaks.

             
I reach up and wipe away a lone tear.

             
“Jason, it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. We both were not honest enough with each other back then. But we’re here now and we are being honest
now
…that’s all that matters. You’re here—my Jason—my Jason Roberts,” I state confidently.

             
He hugs me closer to his chest and kisses the top of my head.

             
“Yes, baby, we’re here now, to stay. My Alexandra—my Alexandra Angel.”