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“Okay but…”  Shaun didn’t know which way was up.  She struggled for the right words to say. “But how do you know that if we don’t even try?”  Seeing the tears in his eyes made her believe that if she could convince him, if she could make him believe what she knew to be true, he would stay.  “Please don’t do this, Adam,” she squeaked, her face collapsing in tears.  She hid her face in her hands when she saw in his eyes that he wasn’t going to relent.

Adam struggled for control. “I just can’t look at you.”  He jammed his eyes shut and wondered if he should continue.  After reached up and massaging his eyes, swiping the wetness away, he held up a hand. “I can’t look at you and see the same person.”

“But I
am
the same person.”

“No. I mean, you are… you’re the same person. But I’ll look at you… and I’ll think about how much I love you. And then, out of nowhere, I’m levelled…”

Shaun’s head fell and she stared into her lap, watching one tear after another hit her thighs and slide down onto the sheets.

“And I’m not sure how you can look at me and forget the fucked up shit
I’ve
done, the shit I’ve done that drove you
.
  That was your
drive
.  I gave that to you.”  He pointed to himself.

Shaun shook her head but couldn’t speak.  She was
afraid
to say anything.

Adam pressed on. “You told me once… You told me that we’ve built a hundred-story tower with a million fake bricks…”

Shaun jammed her eyes shut.

“And it’s too late to go back and make that building real.”

Shaun stood from the bed, turning her back to him as she faced the wall.  She knew he was going to go, and she couldn’t watch him leave. They stewed in a heavily silence for so long Shaun almost wondered if he was even still in the room.

Finally he shakily whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Minutes later she heard the door to her apartment close, and fell to a heap on the floor.

--

“He’s scared Shaun,” Celia said the next morning from where she sat across dining table from Shaun, who she was convinced had been crying for the better part of the hour.  “He’s scared to death.”

Shaun swiped her tears away. “But he has nothing to be scared of.  The worst is over.  The only weapon in my arsenal has already been utilized.  The article is published, nobody knows that it’s about him and… I thought that once we slept together…”

“That everything would magically be okay?” 

Shaun nodded.  “I guess I’m just an idiot.”

“No, you’re not.  This is a crazy situation between the two of you.  He loves you, but he’s scared out of his mind that he might get played for a fool, again.”

When Shaun’s phone rang she snatched it up.

“Adam?” she asked, without even looking at the caller ID.

When her face fell in disappointment Celia knew that it clearly wasn’t Adam.  Watching her friend listen to whoever was on the other line was like watching an exercise in emoting that the actors at her agency often did before auditioning for a part.

“Thank you,” Shaun said, before hanging up her phone and staring at it blankly.  She looked up to Celia without a word.

Celia had finally had enough. “What?! Who was that?”

Shaun looked down at the phone.  “I got a job.”

Celia clapped her hands together.  “Bitch what?” she beamed.  “That is fantastic!”

Shaun was still in a stupor.  “In New York City.”

Celia slammed her hands down on the table, her smile disappearing.  “Bitch
what?
You’re going to
leave me
?”

Shaun continued, becoming more and more lucid as time pressed on.  “It’s an entry level position with The New York Times.”

“You’re going to leave me,” Celia said, with finality.  She had half a mind to beg her best friend to stay, to keep looking for something here in L.A., to never
leave her
, but Celia knew that would be beyond selfish—even for her.

“I did a video interview with them a couple of weeks ago and sent in some samples of my work but I never thought… “

Celia raised an eyebrow.  “I guess even the great and powerful Jackson doesn’t have the power to ruin your life on another coast.”  Her eyes fell to the table.  “Are you going to take it?”

“I don’t know.”  Shaun’s entire life was in Los Angeles.  Her parents, Celia… Adam.  Shaun blinked.  Adam.

Celia was already shaking her head.  “Nope.  Don’t even think it.  Don’t even think of turning down this amazing opportunity for a damn man.  There are plenty of men out there Shaun.  Hundreds, thousands, billions.  This is just one man, and he walked out.”

Shaun took in every word Celia was saying and couldn’t argue with any of it. She was right.  There were plenty of men in the world.  Plenty of fish in the sea.

But none of them were Adam.

Seventeen

Two weeks later, Shaun was turning the key to her very first Manhattan apartment.

She stepped into the empty studio with excited, expectant eyes, the rickety wood floors creaking beneath her feet.  She dropped her bags and looked around her slowly before walking over to the windows where sunlight was spilling in from the outside.  Her mother and father followed behind her, arm in arm.

“This is it?” her mother asked, taking in the small space and even smaller kitchen with judgmental eyes.  “It’s a little small.”

Shaun turned to her parents just in time to see her father give her mother a gentle shake.

“It’s perfect,” her father corrected, before looking over to Shaun and smiling proudly.  She was finally doing what she loved, and he couldn’t have been more proud of her.  He didn’t say it out loud, but it showed on his face and in his eyes.

Tears pooled Shaun’s eyes.  She
was
doing what she loved. Finally.  But somewhere deep down, she still felt incomplete.

Knowing that her parents had spent enough money to buy a small country just to get her into this apartment, she forced a smile on her face, hoping she could pass off the moisture in her eyes as tears of happiness before whispering shakily, “It’s perfect.”

--

Tonight was the kick-off show of The White Keys’ 16-city tour and Adam, Yoshi, Jon and Noodle were all in their dressing room backstage, waiting for the opening act to finish up their last couple of songs.

Noodle downed what had to be his fifth beer of the day and turned to Adam, who was sitting in a make-up chair with his head in his hands.  Adam always did need time to himself right before he went out on stage and now was no exception.

Noodle, however, had also never had a problem bombarding his way into Adam’s ‘me time.’  “Yo Adam?  You still don’t drink?”

Adam took his head out of his hands and looked at his friend through the mirror’s reflection.  “No, Noodle, I still don’t drink.  Just like I didn’t drink yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that one too.”

It had been two weeks since the blowout between Adam and Shaun and he was positive that he would never take another sip of alcohol for as long as he lived.  He’d been drunk when he’d done the awful interview that had sent his life into a complete spiral, and he was sure that interview was just the first of many on a long list of fucked up things he’d done in his life.  It was about time he started taking responsibility for his actions and, for the first time in his life, he really felt like he was on his way there.

“You know… I think Molten liked you even when she knew you were a total drunk,” Noodle chimed in.

Adam covered his face with his hands.  “This isn’t about Shaun.”

“No?” Yoshi jumped in.

Adam’s gaze flew to Yoshi, his blood beginning to boil. “No.”

“Okay…”  Yoshi nodded.  “It’s just that, you’ve never even
entertained
the thought of not drinking anymore and--in extension—making yourself a ‘better man’, until she came around.”

Adam’s gaze narrowed.

“I mean, you’re sure as shit not doing it for us,” Jon, the guitarist, jumped in with a laugh.  “Look man, I never met her, but I know you and… you’ve been different since she came around.  In a good way.”

Noodle nodded and pointed to Jon. “Yep, what he said bro.”

“It doesn’t matter, you guys.  It’s over between us.”

“Adam it’s obvious you love her, for fucks sakes…”  Yoshi yelled. “We really don’t want to deal with you moping around all over the place for this entire tour so please, for the love of god, just fix whatever you broke.”

“What the hell makes you think I’m the one who broke anything?”

“You love her, dude.  Even if she is the one who fucked up–which I highly
doubt
--it doesn’t matter. You’re gone!”  Jon stood tall, taking in the sight of his best friend damn near falling apart before his eyes.  “You’ve
been
gone.  How long are you going to fight it?”

Adam looked back and forth between all of his bandmates, his lifelong friends. They were the people who’d known him his entire life, they knew him better than he knew himself.  He looked at them all, one by one, before standing up and leaving the room.

All the guys groaned and hissed.

“Great--”

“Yeah walk away, buddy--”

“That’ll solve everything!”

Adam slammed the door shut behind him.

As he stepped out of the dressing room and into the backstage area, he held a hand up when he saw Janelle coming up next to him.  “Not now.”

Janelle was unfazed.  “Well good evening to you too, Sunshine.  That’s certainly not the face of a man who’s headlining his own tour.” She reached out and poked her finger into his cheek, laughing softly when the action caused him to stop walking completely and face her.

“How’s Shaun?” he asked.

Janelle was both surprised and not surprised by the question.  She jutted out a leg and crossed her arms over her chest.  “I don’t know.  She’s not my client anymore, so…”  She looked off.

Adam was taken aback. “What do you mean she’s not your client?”

“Adam… Shaun was bringing in almost as much money as you okay? As far as I was concerned we were partners for life.”  Janelle paused.  “I didn’t leave her, she left me.”  It was clear that those words were hard for her to say.  “She said that modelling wasn’t for her, which is
ridiculous
because she was going to be fucking huge but… Whatever…I digress.  Now the only model I have on my client list is
Veronica…”

Adam had to roll his eyes.  “Sorry.”

“Not as sorry as I am.  She’s completely dried up.  Nobody wants to work with her anymore.  I couldn’t even get her booked with Victoria’s Secret this year, and that was her
territory
.”  Janelle sighed.  “I might have to drop her.”  She continued to think out loud. “Fucking Shaun.  I would have made her rich!”

Adam chuckled softly.

Janelle continued, clearly still reeling at the potential millions she’d lost when Shaun peaced out. “I never saw it coming.  I didn’t even make her sign a contract.”  She chuckled.  “What is it about her?  You didn’t even make her sign that confidentiality agreement way back when, remember?”

“She’s just so damn innocent,” Adam said.  “What I always thought was her biggest weakness turned out to be her biggest strength.  You look at her and you see this sweet, wide-eyed angel who would never dream of fucking you over and them
wham—“

“She brings the dagger down.”

“Right between your fucking eyes,” Adam finished.  “Yeah.  I just trusted her completely.  Right from the beginning. The craziest part is, even with a dagger between your eyes, you still can’t hate her.”

Janelle guffawed.  “Speak for yourself.” After a moment’s pause she sighed.  “Nah, I don’t hate her.  I just don’t understand her.”  Money was all powerful to Janelle, and anyone who was so willing to throw it away for “happiness” boggled her mind completely.

“Do you know what she’s going to do?  Did she tell you?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself,” Janelle questioned tentatively.  She still had no idea what had happened between Adam and Shaun but a part of her had always secretly rooted for them.  Probably because Adam was so much more tolerable when he was happy, and it was clear that Shaun had made him happy.

Adam shook his head.  “I can’t.”

“So you guys are really done now? Because I was under the impression that you were done with her
before
the fashion show but Noodle and Yoshi seem to think differently.”

Adam clenched his teeth as he thought of his loudmouthed friends.  “I told you I didn’t want to do that damn show in the first place.”

“Well what happened?  Did you speak to her?”

“Oh, I spoke to her.”

“Are you going to
keep
speaking to her?”