Still Into You (8 page)

How could this feel so great, so right? How could she walk away from this? God, he needed to pull it the fuck together. His emotions were all over the damn place. He needed to be calm for her. He didn’t want her to get upset and do something drastic because he couldn’t handle it. Those flashes of unhappiness, the misery he’d seen in her eyes scared him. At times he’d look at her and she barely seemed to be holding on. She had her demons contained so well, but the mental and emotional stress over the past few months had made something snap inside of her.

He wished he knew what it was. Her journal entries hinted at it but that was all. No specifics. He was left to wonder because she still wouldn’t tell him.

Resting his hands on the counter, Ethan let his head drop. Never did he think that things would be like this. The first time he met her, he knew she was the one. He had an immediate connection with her. All their firsts—first date, first kiss, first touch, first time making love—it felt right, overwhelmingly so. He knew she was it for him. She was his home.

But he had never imagined that they’d be in a situation like this. This was so fucking hard, harder than being apart from her on tour. Then, he still knew they were together. He had certainty.

Now, he knew nothing. He was so unsure about every single move he made. The only thing he could cling to was the ultimate goal—to get back together . . . for good. Kind of like his goal each year was to win the championship. Difference being that with football, he knew what to do. With their situation now, he was blind.

Sighing heavily, Ethan turned on the hot water and tested the temperature before leaning over the sink to splash his face. He scrubbed his face hard, ending with his eyes, rubbing the tears right out of them. He wet his face one last time before turning off the faucet. Yanking the towel off the towel bar, he dried off and tossed it on the counter after he was done.

Time to go back out there.

Ethan took a deep breath before opening the door and found Mia standing in front of the window, her head back, and the morning sun shining down on her. He couldn’t understand how such a beautiful woman inside and out could be so troubled. What happened to her? He kept thinking about what he had read that night. Who ruined her? Who broke her? Who was it that she had such hatred for? What did this person do to her? And why did Mia find it so hard to talk about it? Any of it. Why couldn’t she let him in, trust him enough to help her?

He crossed the room and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her to him. She placed her hands on his and leaned into him. He dropped his chin to her head and enjoyed this simple intimacy with her, because he missed these everyday things with her: seeing her, hugging her, kissing her, making her smile, making her laugh. Hell, he craved them. But the one thing he craved the most was nothing more than being by her side.

“Do you have any plans today?” Mia asked, looking over her shoulder at him, interrupting his thoughts.

“Why do you ask?” He kissed her nose and smiled when she crinkled it up. She turned in his arms, her fingers dancing on his chest.

“I want to go for a run,” she announced energetically.

“Okay . . .” he said, curious to know where this was going.

“And if you’re not busy, I’d, uh, really like it if you went with me.”

“I’d like that, but I don’t have my running gear with me.”

“Where is it?”

“At home.” Her eyes flinched at the mention of their home and any hope he had for another chance with her took a severe hit.

She swallowed and soldiered on. “So, if you had your running stuff, you’d go with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Let’s get it then,” she announced, hitting his chest and pushing back, but he kept her in his arms. He had to set some ground rules.

“I’m not running a half marathon, so you know.”

“Five miles?” she asked expectantly.

“Doable.” He hoped. She went on tour only running a couple miles and returned running fucking full-on marathons.

Mia ran her thumb across his lips and smiled before leaving his embrace and heading to the bedroom. When she came back out, she had changed into her black running tights, a white sports tank and a lightweight running jacket. Sitting down on the sofa where they had just made love not fifteen minutes ago, she put on her socks and shoes.

Ethan went to the bedroom and sorted through the clothes Allie had thrown on the bed, searching for the rest of his. As he got dressed, Mia returned and tossed a change of clothes in her bag, along with her phone and room key.

He grabbed his coat and then her hand and headed out of the hotel. When they got to his house, she stayed downstairs in the kitchen while he went upstairs to their bedroom to change. She said she wanted to get some water before her run, but by the way she had been clenching and unclenching her hands, he knew she was uncomfortable being there.

And that hurt. It made this separation just that much more real.

Walking down the stairs, Ethan found her standing in the doorway to his office, staring ahead. Quietly, he walked towards her and when he stood behind her, he saw the object of her fixation—the fireplace mantel that held the large collage she made for him two Christmases ago with pictures of them, as well as the simple silver frame that held the picture they took right after they got engaged. Even kissing him, she hadn’t been able to contain her smile. They had been so happy then. So in love. His love wasn’t any less now. It had only grown since that day.

He stepped to her side and regarded her face. It killed him to see all the pain in her eyes. He wanted it gone. He wanted to take care of her. And for now that meant distracting her from her pain.

“Mia,” he said softly. She closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath. “I’m ready.”

She turned her head to him. “Great! Let’s go!” she said with false cheer.

She moved to walk past him but he reached out and grabbed her hand. “You okay?”

Her lips turned up in a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and was full of sadness.

“No,” she responded, her honesty surprising him. He knew she was hurting, but to have her flat out say she was not all right floored him.

“Let’s go,” she repeated, tugging on his hand. He stopped her and cupped her cheek to get her to look at him.

“What’s wrong, suga?”

“Everything is slipping away from me,” she answered, her gaze focused on something far-off behind him.

“Like?”

Her dark eyes returned to his. “You.”

“I’m right here, Mia.”

“I know, but I don’t have the strength to hold on for much longer,” she stepped back, clearly uncomfortable, rubbing at her forehead and taking a deep breath. “Can we go now? Please?”

He nodded and led her to his car. She was miserable. As much as he wanted to help her, he had no idea how. All he could do was be there for her, support her. But he had a feeling it wasn’t going to be enough.

Ethan and Mia stretched in the parking lot of an underused park that he liked to frequent. He never saw many people here and they needed that today. The trail was pretty during the summer when the leaves provided a natural canopy. But it was the beginning of March and the trees were bare, letting in the sun, warming them in the cool late winter air.

He eyed her as she stretched. So graceful. And flexible . . . very flexible, he thought as she bent at her waist and hugged her lower calves. It’s not like he hadn’t seen her do this before, but the view of her ass in front of him . . . totally turned him on.

Ethan shook his head. He should not be thinking of sex with her right now. No, he should be thinking about . . . Fuck! Her ass looked so good in those running tights. They left nothing to the imagination. He wanted to walk behind her and pull her against him, to feel that ass in his hands, to—

“How long is the trail?” she asked, interrupting his fantasy. The beginning of a smile toyed with her mouth. Had she caught him staring at her lovely behind?

Clearing his throat, he spoke. “From here to the end of the trail is almost three miles. So there and back about six miles. Sound good?”

“Easy. About a half-hour run.”

“What?”
Fuck,
he thought, was she a world-class runner now? “I was thinking closer to an hour.”

She laughed at him and rolled her eyes. “Yeah . . . you’re probably right. I suck at math.”

He had a feeling she was not wrong with her estimate.

“Hey, run in front of me so I have motivation.”

“Maybe I should have a carrot to dangle behind me to help,” she laughed.

“I don’t need a carrot when I have your ass to motivate me,” he muttered quietly and laughed when she blushed.

“So you’re going to be staring at my ass the entire time?”

“If it’s in front of me,” he replied.

She rolled her eyes at him and then grabbed his hand. “Come on. Let’s go.”

They ran side by side for the first mile or so and Ethan was damn proud that he kept up with her that long. Her pace was brutal. They didn’t talk either. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. He was focusing every breath on keeping pace with her, but eventually she started to pull away which was totally fine by him. It gave him a chance to catch his breath and observe her.

Her long ponytail bobbed with each stride she made. Her breasts probably doing the same thing, he thought. Shaking his head, he tried to think of something else, but the more he saw of her cute, French ass, the more he liked what he saw.

“Hey,” Ethan called out to her. “What’s the French word for butt?”

Mia laughed joyously and turned around, running in place, allowing him the chance to catch up. “It’s
derriere.
”

“
Derriere,
” he said, trying out the word and knowing it sounded nothing like the smooth butter coming out of her mouth. “I like that . . . and your
derriere.
”

“Is that why you’ve been lagging behind? I would have thought the professional athlete would be pushing me, not the other way around.”

“I’m running faster than I normally do. Be kind and turn around. I need my carrot again.”

Mia laughed some more and a smile crinkled the corners of her dark eyes. He loved the sound of her laughter. She didn’t hold back when she thought something was funny. She laughed with everything she had. And with everything that had been going on, he was glad that she could still laugh.

She returned to running ahead of him, and when she pulled further and further ahead, he realized she was sprinting.

Damn, she was fast.

Maybe he’d just stay here and let her catch up to him when she turned around at the end of the trail. It was just a little farther ahead.

But instead of turning around, she stopped abruptly, hunching over like she was catching her breath. Ethan picked up his speed, a tickle of unease creeping up his spine. When he got closer, her painful sobs reached his ears. Alarmed, he hurried to her side, his arm snaking around her waist.

“Mia!”

She was having trouble breathing. For a minute, he thought she was hyperventilating. He rubbed her back with the flat of his hand, providing enough pressure to be comforting, to help her focus on something else.

The tears continued to fall but it wasn’t the body-wracking sobs of before. Her breaths came in focused intervals. He heard her very faintly counting off numbers as she exhaled. His heart ached because he knew then this was not the first time she’d faced a crying bout like this. His free hand clenched into a fist over and over. He was so frustrated. Helpless. He didn’t know what to do for her.

When she was calmer, she glanced over at him, her gaze still clouded with tears.

“Mia, what’s wrong?”

“Running from demons,” she finally said after she took a few deep, cleansing breaths.

He wanted her to elaborate, but he knew it wouldn’t happen right now, so he didn’t press. But he had a tremendous need to see her smile, to see that pain removed from her eyes.

“How did the demons find you out here? You got GPS on you?”

She stood up and a small smile crossed her face before laughing softly. Playfully bumping into him, she started to walk back. He quickly caught up and stayed by her side.

“Thanks,” she said. “You want more, I know, but you didn’t say a thing, and I do really appreciate that. But as you can see, I’m not even ready to think about things without breaking down.”

“It pisses me off that someone hurt you so much, caused you so much pain. I’m not mad at you. Never think that. I mean, I do want you to share this with me. I want to help you and just make this all go away.”

She entwined her fingers with his, her thumb caressing his palm. “I know you do, Ethan, and I love you for that.”

“I sense a ‘but’ . . .”

“You mean
derriere,
” she playfully corrected and he laughed. She just did the same thing to him, sensing he needed to laugh too.

“Ethan . . .” she said, her voice trembling. He knew what she was going to say—that they had said goodbye, that she couldn’t be with him right now. But he wanted her. He did not want to say goodbye to her. Not now. Not ever. He needed time.

“No. Not now. Give us this time together while you’re here in Indy.”