Stupid Movie Lines (6 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Oh, he’ll be all right. He’s got a bad blow on the head, suffering from shock, mashed hands. But I can’t find much other damage.
Doctor examining a victim of the rampaging giant sea creature in
The Monster of Piedras Blancas,
1958
On Doctors, When They’re
Really
Needed:
Mr. Pleyel’s been murdered! Get a doctor! Quickly!
The dead man’s secretary in
Phantom of the Opera,
1943
On Double-Dating, Literal:
Daisy:
Come on, Viv, we have a date.
Viv:
No,
you
have a date.
Daisy:
If I have a date, you have a date, too, my dear.
Siamese twin sisters, powdering their noses in
Chained for Life,
1951
On Double Entendres:
Aha! The Capitan’s blade is not so firm, eh?
Zorro (Tyrone Power) taunting the evil Capitan (Basil Rathbone) during a sword fight in
The Mark of Zorro,
1940
On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 1:
Gosh, how one’s women do mount up!
Andy Hardy’s (Mickey Rooney’s) last line in
Andy Hardy Meets a Debutante,
1940
On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 2:
My, what a big bat!
Nervous leading man in
Dracula,
1931
On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 3:
How’d you like me to saddle up your old boyfriend?
Hoyt (Troy Donahue) to Susan (Connie Stevens)—he means her horse—in
Susan Slade,
1961
On
Dragnet
Stars, Too Cool:
Pete Kelly:
Clear the place out. Get somebody to help bring Joey in.
Club owner:
What’s the matter?
Kelly:
It’s rainin’ on him.
Jack Webb (as Pete Kelly) talking to speakeasy owner after his drummer has been shot in an alley in
Pete Kelly’s Blues,
1955
On Dramatic Moments, Driven:
Lock the kids in their rooms! The car is in the garage!
James Brolin as the panicky dad being stalked by a 1977 Lincoln Continental in
The Car, 1977
On Drug Addiction, a Thousand and One Helpful Synonyms for:
Voice-over as a cool young girl smokes a cigarette in a police station:
Hooked. A monkey on her back. Hophead. Junkie. Hype. There’s no shortage of words in the jargon to identify her.
Narrator in the 1950s documentary
Narcotic Story
a.k.a
. Dread Persuasion, 1958
On Drug Advice,
Very
Important:
If you flake around with the weed, you’ll wind up doing the hard stuff.
Russ Tamblyn in
High School Confidential,
1958
On Drunk Jokes, Hilarious:
Drunk:
Say, what’s your name?
Mary Lou:
I do declare!
Drunk:
Clare. Oh, that’s a pretty name!
A drunk meets Mary Lou (Leslie Parrish) at a party in
Three on a Couch,
1966, starring Jerry Lewis and Janet Leigh
On Dry Mouth, Mongol Rulers and:
Temujin:
I grieve.
Kumlek:
Already the Mongol whelp whines! Heh heh heh.
Temujin:
I grieve that I cannot salute you as I would … I am bereft of spit!
Temujin (John Wayne as Genghis Khan) speaking to his archenemy the Tartar leader Kumlek, in
The Conqueror,
1956
On Dudes, Tough:
The fastest, meanest, baddest mother ever to hit the big screen. He’s quick, he’s black, and he’s back. Get ready for the punchingest, kickingest, stompingest dude on earth. Right on! The movie that grabs you and never lets go.
Promo for
Black Belt Jones,
1974
On Earthquakes, Annoying Problems with:
Earthquakes bring out the worst in some guys.
George Kennedy, rescuing a woman from a National Guardsman who has gone berserk in
Earthquake,
1974
On Elvis Movies, Great Romantic Dialogue from:
Cynthia:
Mike, I really go for you!
Mike:
I’m just about to go for you!
Cynthia:
Oooh. I can hardly wait!
Mike:
If you’re not outta here in about three seconds, I’m gonna put ya over mah knee, I’m gonna paddle your bottom until it’s as red as that jalopy you’re drivin!
Elvis Presley (Mike) and Shelley Fabares (Cynthia) in
Spinout,
1966
On English Kings, Why They’re Not Such Hot Dates:
War! War! That’s all you think of, Dick Plantagenet! You burner! You pillager!
Virginia Mayo as Lady Edith to George Sanders in
King Richard and the Crusaders,
1954
On Epitaphs, Clichéd:
She didn’t die of pneumonia, she died of life.
Jean Harlow’s agent, played by Red Buttons, in
Harlow,
1965
On Erections, Debatable:
I’m erect, why aren’t you?
Tony Moss in
Showgirls,
1995
On Erotic Dancers, Fascinating Dialogue from:
Cristal:
I like nice tits.
Nomi:
I like
having
nice tits.
Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley in
Showgirls,
1995
On Escort Services, Bad Nights at the:
Girl:
What’s eating you?
Rita:
The first night he’s home in a month and does he ask me to go out? Well, does he?
Other girl:
No?
Rita:
No? No is right. Instead he calls an escort bureau for a date.
Girl:
So? A guy’s a guy and a date’s a date. Who is he?
Rita:
Who is he! Who do you think he is? He’s my husband!
Rita (Kathryn Keys) and her friends at the escort service get a rude shock in
Escort Girl,
1941
On Establishment Cats, Problems for:
That’s why the establishment cats aren’t making it. They’re into that nine-to-five bag.
John Phillip Law as a hippie in
Skidoo,
1968
On Excedrin Moments, Marital:
Frankie:
Hymie, get me an aspirin. My head’s splitting.
Kay:
And so’s our marriage!
Frankie Fane (Stephen Boyd), famous actor who’s headed downhill, and his not-too-happy wife, Kay (Elke Sommer), in
The Oscar,
1966
On Excited Monsters, Strippers and:
Let’s move further into the realm of horror. She could change her clothes in the twinkling of an eye. But no, there’s a man lying there—even if he is a monster. Why not torment him a bit with an innocent little striptease? After all, plenty of girls strip for middle-aged industrial magnates that are uglier than he is. And the monster gets excited—wriggles out of his bonds—breaks the ropes and frees himself. Remember the old saying—never underestimate the power of woman.
Narrator, as the monster is strapped to a table while the nurse strips in front of him in
Monster and the Stripper,
1968
On Excuses About Your Sister, Stupid:
She was only my
half
sister.
Bad guy (Paul Smith) consoling himself after watching his partner-in-crime and sibling (Sybil Danning) die in
Jungle Warriors,
1983
On Ex–First Ladies, Hot:
Jackie Kennedy Onassis character:
You’re an animal! How dare you! You bastard!
Aristotle Onassis character:
God, what a woman! Let’s go and make love.
Jacqueline Bisset and Anthony Quinn fighting in the thinly disguised biopic of Jackie O and her second husband in
The Greek Tycoon,
1978
On Experience, Last Word on:
Experience. That’s what separates the girls from the Girl Scouts.
Ryder (George Hamilton) in
Where the Boys Are,
1960
On Explanations, Insightful Medical:
It seems the more he melts, the stronger he gets.
Doctor explaining everything in
The Incredible Melting Man,
1978
Eyeballs, Interesting Observations on:
Why, it’s not unlike an oyster or a grape!
The doctor-murdering lunatic (Bill Woods) eating the eyeball from a tortured cat in
Maniac,
1934
On Eye-Talians, Mistaken Identity and:
Sadie:
Say, mister! Who in the name o’Jerusalem are yuh, anyway?
Joe:
Joe Skopapoulos.
Sadie:
Huh?
Joe:
Skopapoulos! Skopapoulos!
Sadie:
Whut are yuh—I-talian?
Joe:
Nah, I’m of Greek accent.
Sadie (Louise Fazenda), the hillbilly gal, meets the Greek fighter Joe Skopapoulos (Nat Pendleton) in
Swing Your Lady,
1938
On Fabric Metaphors, Great Moments in:
Dad, quality’s a good thing in woolen cloth, but it’s very dull on a big date!
Town rich kid Rodney (Barry Coe) complaining about his father’s ban on his dating the town slut, in
Peyton Place,
1957
On Faces, Dangerous Thick:
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Chia-Liang Liu insulting his attacker, in an English subtitle in the Hong Kong kung fu film
Pedicab Driver,
1989
On Facts, Indisputable:
Once they were men. Now they are land crabs!
Attack of the Crab Monsters,
1957
On Fake Philosophy, Fatuous:
When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the line of darkness. Whether they are clean or not.
The Mysterious Chief (Roger Moore) making an inane (theoretically humorous) observation, in
Spice World,
1997
On Far-Out Chicks:
I know what I want. No, I don’t. Yes, I do. I don’t know.
Jacqueline Bisset in a “far-out” voice-over in
The Grasshopper,
1969
On Felines, Frisky:
How often have I told you to keep that cat from desecrating my graves!
Mad doctor Bela Lugosi to his assistant in
Bowery at Midnight,
1942
On Feline Identification Problems:
Her:
You never told me about cats!
Him:
I thought it was a tiny lion.
Jennifer Beals (the bride of Frankenstein) and Sting (the doctor) discussing her cat allergy in
The Bride,
1985
On Females, Ones That Come On a Little Strong:
I’m the kind of woman
not hard to understand.
I’m the one who CRACKS THE WHIP
and holds the upper hand.
I’ll beat you, mistreat you,
Till you quiver and quail.
The female of the species
Is more deadly than the male.
Leather-clad dominatrix Meg Myles singing a song in a nightclub in
Satan in High Heels,
1962
On Fights with Giant Spiders, What You Say After:
Well, I’ve had enough of the unknown for one afternoon.
Heroine Mara Corday after facing off with a giant spider in
Tarantula,
1955, also featuring Clint Eastwood
On Films, Tasteful:
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
—DANCING CALLED GO-GO
—MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
—NARCOTICS CALLED BANG!
—FIRES OF PUBERTY!
SEE the burning of a virgin!
SEE power of witch doctor over women!
SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
Ad for
Kwaheri,
1965
On First Things First, Part 1:
Let us eat,
then
we will transplant the brain.
Dr. Frankenstein counseling patience to his assistant in
Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell,
1974
On First Things First, Part 2:
Steve:
Dan, we’re going over to Mystery Mountain.
Dan:
Not before we eat!
Scientist and sidekick having a discussion in
The Brain from Planet Arous,
1958
On First Things First, Part 3:
Well, General, shall we go to lunch or to the moon?
Scientist in
Destination Moon,
1950
On Fish, Those Clawed Ones:
It looks exactly like the South American fantigua fish—a deadly man-eater. It’s not the claw print of any fish in this area!