Sudden Hope (10 page)

It seems like it is the thing to do lately. Crying is becoming second nature. I drive around for a long time, longer th
an I should. I keep staring at the envelope on my seat. I don't want to open it but I know I have to. Right now it will have to wait. I really cannot deal with anything else at the moment.

I drive to the hospital to see Chris. He is on the top of my priority list since I still need to figure out a way to tell him I am not in love with him, that I love Danny. It will hurt him
. I know it will, so I know I will have to wait. Maybe, just maybe when I go up to see him he will have his memory back and it will just all be over and I can run back to Danny and everything will be the way I want it to be finally.

I enter the hospital room and it is filled with balloons and flowers from everyone at school. It is warming and sweet. I walk over and run my fingers through his hair. “Hey sweets, how are you feeling?”

“Better now that you’re here.” Well there it is, guess he doesn't know yet. I take a deep breath and sit down. Now what? Where do I go from here?

“So,” Chris said, “how are you feeling
, babe? Are you really okay? Everyone tells me you’re fine that I saved you or some crap like that.” He is concerned but at the same time I think confused.

“I'm fine
, Chris, really I am! I'm more worried about you.” I am worried but selfishly I am worried about what he will do when he finds out the truth.

“Nah I'm good
, girl. Doc says I can leave tomorrow but no hockey for at least two to three weeks.” I laugh of course, because that is exactly what he would be worried about, hockey.

The door flies open and there they are. Anthony, Lea and Jenny come dancing into the room. Lea is singing ‘I will survive’ and Jenny and Anthony are dancing like
sixties back up dancers. I start laughing. Chris starts laughing and the next thing I know everyone is laughing. If it wasn’t for the fact we were in the hospital it would be like normal, the only one missing is Danny.

We joke around for a while until everyone else leaves. Then it is just Chris and I once again. The awkward silence is almost too much to bear. He is staring at me like I am a long lost love that has come home to him. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. He truly believes he loves me and that I am his. I want so much to tell him I am in love with Danny but I cannot and will not break his heart.

The next few hours were a barrage of nurses and doctors coming in to check on him. Every test and scan was coming back fine so soon he would be allowed to go home. That would help so much. Everyone could get back to their normal lives. Move forward and get on with things. Hopefully our friendship will remain the same and everything will be alright when he found out the truth. That is what I get for wishful thinking.

Chris
is released from the hospital and Iet me tell you I couldn't wait another minute to get out of there. I drove him home while his parents went to make sure everything was okay at work. Guess they figured he was in good hands. We pulled up to his apartment on the edge of town and I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. This small gray apartment building was where I first met Danny. I remember the day like it was yesterday only it was twelve years ago.

He was playing with his friends and I was over with my mother. The adults were having coffee. That was a happy time. I tried to hang out with the boys but of course, like most five year olds, they were rotten little kids. Chris, Danny and Anthony were playing in the sand box out back and when I went to join them Danny threw sand in my hair and Chris knocked my doll into the mud. I hated them. Wow, how times have changed. It really only took one conversation with Danny without the other boys to realize we would be friends forever. After he apologized he never looked at me as anything more than one of the guys, until now when we can’t be together.

Eventually I find the strength to go in the apartment with Chris. I love his place. It is cute and small. The living room has a small tan sofa under a large bay window and a matching tan reclining chair sits in the corner. There are photographs on every wall depicting Chris in different ages. Two small beige lamps sit on top of two cherry wood end tables on either side of the couch. It is the kind of home that invites you in. I sit down on the recliner and Chris is staring at me from the couch. I feel an uneasiness coming, a conversation I am not ready to have. One I might never be ready to have.

“Hey baby, come sit by me.” Chris pats the seat next to him.

“Alright,” I really do not know what else to say. I sit down and grab one of the matching throw pillows. I pull my feet up into a crisscross pattern and hug the pillow. I feel like a little kid again.

“What's up
, CC? I think we need to talk.” Crap here it comes.

“Yea
, Chris, we do, but you just got home and you need to rest, we can talk tomorrow. I’ll come over right after school.” I start to get up, I want to run. I do not want to hurt Chris, I just don't. I love him. He is my friend and I need time to figure out a way to make everything better without hurting anyone.

“Not so fast
, baby girl.” He grabs my waist as I try to pass him and pulls me down to him. I am straddling him and he is staring right into my eyes. He leans in and kisses me. His lips are soft and full. It is amazing but not what I want. I pull away from him slowly. He has a look in his eyes I have never seen before. They are seductive sexy. This is not good.

“Hmm baby, I have wanted to do that for so long.” He is still holding my sides and I freeze.

“I know, Hun.” I say with a grin. “But I need to go. You, my dear, need rest.” Why am I talking to him like this? Why can't I just tell him I am in love with Danny? Why do I keep lying? It seems like every time I turn around I am hurting someone and this time I’m hurting my friend and myself.

“I'll come back tomorrow only if you promise to get some rest.” I wink at him as I get off his lap. He swats my behind and gets up from the couch.

“All right
, CC. You win,” He says while throwing his hands in the air. He leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. “See you tomorrow, love.”

“Yea babe, see
ya tomorrow,” I say while closing the door.

Chapter Twelve

I awoke in an exhilarating mood. For the first time that I can remember in so long, I am smiling. It’s because I am so happy to be going back to school. I don’t know what will be waiting for me there, but I need some kind of normalcy back in my life. This is just what I need to turn things around. I grab my jacket and books, wow I forgot how heavy my books are. Funny how just two weeks off and everything is forgotten.

The drive to school went so much quicker than normal. Maybe it was because I actually wanted to go or maybe it was the music. I love to listen to music and I really haven’t been able to lately. Joan Jett is my music of choice for the morning ride, fast and motivating for the time being.

I walk in the building and do a double take. I forgot that no one has seen me since the ‘accident’. Everyone is staring, I can feel their eyes boring into me, even the people behind me. Lea of coarse comes running to me.

“Let’s go
, CC, screw these people.” She flashes one of those grins at me and pulls me by the hand over to my locker, all the time flipping off the people behind me. That girl has a ‘set’ let me tell you.

“Thank you
, Lea.” I couldn't have meant it more. I put everything in my locker and turn around. There he is. I try not to stare but how can I not. Danny is my love, my life. I want so much to run to him, to tell him I'm sorry and I choose him, but I can't. I stand here staring like a deer caught in headlights. His normal look is so captivating. I love how he dresses. He has a long sleeved black thermal shirt on with a white t-shirt over it, the light blue denim pants and of course those work boots I love so much.

He glances and my breath catches. His eyes met mine and I feel the flutter start. I can tell he wants to walk over to me but just like me he is afraid of the rejection. Now it will be my turn to die a little every time he looks at me. Then the flutter fades. I need to remember Chris. I close my locker and walk away. I am getting so good at that lately it is almost becoming second nature. Sad but true.

The rest of the morning went smoothly. Well as smoothly as it could. After Lea had her moment this morning, Jenny set every one straight in second period. The crazy girl I loved jumped on her desk and shouted as loud as she could to the whole class, if they had something to say to just say it already. I laughed but now she has detention for the week. After that I think people just figured it was best not to bother me. Everyone whispered a little but by fifth period I think everyone knew not to screw with Jenny.

As
I put my books in my locker, Lea comes running up to me as excited as a kid in a theme park.

“I'm so happy you are back
, girl. Lunch has sucked without you.” I giggle then realize it is lunch. My nerves make me jump back into reality. Danny and I always eat lunch with Lea and Chris. Anthony and Jenny had sixth period lunch. It was the four of us together every day.

I get my usual BLT and French fries. Lea gets a salad like
always, at least some things never change. We carry our plastic brown lunch trays over to our usual table. We always sit in the corner away from everyone else. It is just easier to eat this way. The giggling cheerleaders leave the guys alone and let them eat in peace. It was either the choice of table or one day when I had enough and flipped out on everyone cause I could not sit due to every girl at lunch trying to sit with my friends. You would think they would have learned, but they never do.

Lea and I sit down, but Danny is nowhere to be found. Then I hear it. Jillian
Camble is overly loud saying Danny’s name and calling him honey. Like really, Jillian Camble of all people to sit with? Does he hate me that much not to sit with me or even talk to me? I can understand being hurt but this is beneath him. Lea sees the look on my face and turns to see what I am staring at. Jillian had just done the traditional flirt flip of the hair and laid her hand on Danny’s shoulder. Lea looks back at me and her eyes grow three sizes bigger. “Shit CC, no one told you he’s been sitting with her for the last few days?” She is concerned and has a good reason to be.

“No Lea, no one has told me anything.
Nothing at all.” I am beyond pissed off. I have no reason to be, but Danny is mine and I’ll be damned if that girl touches him. I start to get up but Lea stands up first.

“CC. Sit.” She looks as serious as I have ever seen her. “Listen, you told him you were with Chris right now and that you couldn't be with him.” She puts her head down while she finishes. “He went to Anthony's house after and cried. CC, he cried.” She looks back at me with watery eyes. “You have to let him do what he needs to do until you make up your mind on what you want. He deserves that at least, he did nothing wrong here.” She reaches out and grabs my hand. I hold back my tears and listen, she is right.

“He is only sitting over there to make you jealous. Do you really think he likes her? Do you really think he wants anyone but you? Maybe you didn't see it but we all knew you two were meant for each other.” She is making way too much sense for Lea. She is the ‘fun’ one, not the ‘serious, sit down and have a real life talk’ friend, although, she is more than right and I hate her for it.

“Fine, I'll leave it alone for now but can we get out of here? I can’t watch this.” I get up and loudly throw my lunch away. Danny looks at me and I know he is sad
. I can see it in his eyes. Lea is right. He doesn’t want to be there and I am the reason for his melancholy, his heartache. I am the reason for everything wrong right now.

I go through the next three periods of school in somewhat of a trance. Lucky for me my schedule conflicts with everyone else's and I have no classes with anyone but Anthony. He knows what is bothering me and I guess he just figures he has to ask at some point.

His desk is right next to mine in trigonometry. He just stares at me for half of the class. I try to focus on the gray haired teacher in the front of the class. She is flipping her glasses with her left hand and twirling a marker in the other. Ms. Green is as ‘old school’ as they come. The only teacher I know that still uses an overhead projector. We have white boards now attached to computers. She always said, “Why change what’s not broken?” Guess she has a point.

The lights
are dimmed so we could see the doodles she drew on the screen. Anthony leans over to me and whispers in my ear. “CC, snap out of it. You can’t be this upset over Danny. He's doing what you asked. Only he is doing it in his own way.” I look back at Anthony and sigh. I know he is right but this is going to kill me.

“Do you think he still wants me or do you think I have ruined everything?”

“No CC, he has always loved you and he always will. I think it’s just too soon to ask him to go back to being just a friend.” He has a point. Anthony always has a point.

“Will you talk to him for me? Just make sure everything is alright. Please?”

“Of course, CC.” He flashes a smile and winks at me. “I’ll make sure he’s good.”

“Thanks Dude, you’re the best!” Well at least I feel a little better.

Jenny and Lea are waiting for me at my locker. “Hey Chickie, you’re coming with us!” Lea grabs my hand and Jenny grabs my backpack.