Sunset Park (30 page)

Michael’s eyes flickered, and I knew I’d nailed it.

“See? I knew it. Bro—even if that’s true, who
cares
? I like what I like, and I like both. Don’t make a big thing about it.”

“I’m not.”

The words came out even, but I could tell Michael was internally screaming. Worried that he’d ruined me somehow, and all of those conservatives were right about gayness rubbing off on kids if they’re exposed enough, and maybe I was broken since I wasn’t claiming to have some gay gene. Or maybe it wasn’t any of that, and he just wanted to puke at the idea of me having sex with David. Either way, it was unnecessary concern.

“Is David claiming to help you explore this bisexual thing?”

Ah. Okay. It was definitely about David.

“You don’t got to make it sound like he’s creepily tricking me, but yeah, he was.”

“I see.” A muscle in Michael’s cheek ticked. “I get it now.”

I rolled my eyes. “What, you think he’s taking advantage of my innocence? Let’s be real. If anything, I was the one taking advantage of his willingness to help me figure things out.”

Nunzio popped up, interested again, but it was Michael who asked, “Have you been interested in him this entire time?”

“The entire time as in the entire length of this conversation? Or….”

“Smart-ass,” Nunzio said around his cigarette. “Just be straight with him, Ray. You’re doing exactly what you accused him of doing for all of those years that he stayed in the closet, even though you knew.”

“I’m touched by this guilt trip you’re attempting to lay on me, but can we not have this conversation in the middle of the street while the side of my face is tripled in size?”

Neither of them objected, and we resumed the walk to my apartment. It was only ten minutes away from the precinct, but I felt oddly exposed. I had not given my neighbors much thought, but now I swore the little old ladies fiddling with the multitude of recycling bins had seen me be escorted into the squad car in cuffs, and that the crowd of teenagers roaming around near the high school could all tell that I’d just gotten in a fight. Most of them knew David and Michael since they taught there, so I ducked my head.

I speed-walked past the Dominican food spot and my favorite bodega. When we reached the apartment, the faintest jingle of my keys alerted the old Mexican dude in the apartment next door. He peered out, eyeballing me with interest.

“¿Todo bien?”

Sneering, I unlocked the door and went in, leaving Michael to fend him off in Spanish. Nosy old bastard. At least the ten thousand college kids packed in the apartment across the hall were too scared and Midwestern to inquire about violent altercations.

I’d expected to find David pacing and worried, but the kitchen was just as I’d left it, and there was a scribbled note on the counter.

went to the ER with Caleb

I crumpled the note and tossed it on the floor.

I was a complete moron.

I sat on the couch with my head in my hands and ignored the hushed conversation happening between Nunzio and Michael in the kitchen. It ended with a grave
I’ll go talk to him
, but what I wanted was for them to leave me alone. I wore my humiliation just as poorly as my jealousy, especially since neither were emotions I was accustomed to dealing with on a regular basis.

Michael hovered in front of me. I stared down at his boots through my fingers, refusing to speak. He’d inherited the same brooding genes as me and was probably torn between letting me be miserable in peace and comforting me. I prayed he would follow the Rodriguez instincts, and I sighed when he sat down on the edge of the coffee table.

“I didn’t mean to come down on you like that. I just get worried.”

“That’s great.”

“Ray,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“I get it. That’s real nice.”

This time he sighed. Sometimes we were so much alike that it was freaky.

“Do you want to talk about David?”

“No.”

Michael grabbed my wrists and uncovered my face. I didn’t dim my glare even though he was wearing his most compassionate expression.

“He probably went along so he could talk his ex out of pressing charges.”

“Maybe.”

Michael’s mouth turned up in a smile. “You really like him, don’t you?”

“I told that fucker that I loved him.”

Michael looked at me like I was an alien, but the smile inched up a little more. “Do you?”

“Who cares? He ran off as soon as shit got heated. Consoling that dickbrain in the hospital instead of having my back.”

“Are you deliberately ignoring my previous statement regarding the whole pressing charges thing just so you have a reason to be pissed off?”

“Yeah. I love being pissed off. Makes my dick hard.”

“I could believe that.”

I cracked a wan smile. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but it’s not gonna happen. I feel like an asshole.”

“No, but you’re jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst. And I know that’s what you’re doing, because I do the same thing.” Michael jerked his head toward the kitchen. “Why do you think it took me and Nunzio so long to get together?”

“Because you’re a couple of morons.”

Michael put a hand on my knee. “Stop. You’re being immature. It’s not going to help.”

I shrugged, looking away.

“I had a feeling that something was going on between the two of you for a while even though Nunzio has been tight-lipped about it. I left it alone because you’re a big boy. But I can tell you now that David has it as bad for you as you do for him.”

“How do you figure that?”

Michael ticked things off on his fingers. “He can’t stop talking about you even when he knows it’s a bad idea. You communicate constantly, on social media and on the phone. He stopped spending time with everyone at school so he can finish planning and be home by the time you get off work.”

I was too surprised to respond.

“Everyone has noticed,” Michael went on. “Try to not fall prey to our usual negativity. The fact that I’m sitting here trying to sell you on having some faith in him should be a sign that it’s true. I’m not thrilled about it, but it’s none of my business, and my concern has nothing to do with either of you.”

“Then what does it have to do with?” I asked, finding my voice. “I know what Nunzio thinks, and it’s the same shit that Caleb said—that he’s just using me as some kind of fetish.”

“It crossed my mind,” Michael admitted. “But that’s because I’m hung up on shit like that. Doesn’t mean you have to be.”

I’d done a good job of not giving those suspicions a second thought until Caleb had entered the picture. All it had taken was David uttering his name after the first time we fooled around and indicating that they would inevitably get back together, and my hackles had risen. Looking back, it was clear that I’d been the one pushing all along. I’d gone into his room that night we were both on Grindr, I’d been the one to admit to being attracted to him and wanting him for months, and I’d initiated every sexual encounter after. Always me running after him like a dog trying to get a bone while he backed off and wiggled away, but yet… but yet… I’d still gone off about Caleb like my persistence gave me any right to make decisions about who David got to be around.

If I’d read the signs all along instead of just seeing what I wanted to see, I would have eased off and let things play out. But I hadn’t, and now it was wrecked. The easy, uncomplicated thing we’d had going since the spring was tainted by fighting and tension, and it was my fault. Because I’d been impatient and needy, and I’d pushed and pushed.

My mood must have been palpable because Michael got to his feet. He gave me a half hug and backed off without another word. I listened to them clean up the kitchen before they left.

I was grateful for everything they did for me, but I was glad to be left alone. My desire to speak to anyone else about the situation was right up there with my desire to send Caleb a get well card and a box of chocolates.

I only left the couch to shut myself in my room and stretch out on the bed. It occurred to me too late that Nunzio had disappeared with my desk ticket, but I didn’t give enough of a damn to ask him to come back. Knowing the two of them, they’d be here bright and early to go to the arraignment with me.

I closed my eyes, but sleeping off the dregs of remorse wasn’t in the cards. I twisted and turned for almost an hour before abandoning the attempt in favor of pacing the apartment. Nunzio had forgotten his cigarettes, so I chain-smoked three while going over the events of the fight with a sinking feeling in my gut.

Caleb had hit me first, but I’d gone apeshit. Blacked out and started swinging like my mean-ass father. I hadn’t gotten mad like that in a long time, and now that my temper had cooled and there was nothing to do but replay it in my mind, I was disturbed. Especially because David had seen it.

The longer he took to return, the more my paranoia increased. Maybe he was rekindling his romance with Caleb out of pity. Or maybe David thought Caleb should press charges against me since my temper had escalated what could have been a brief scuffle to next-level dimensions. Maybe they were going home together. Maybe David would go live in Caleb’s gigantic loft in the Financial District. Maybe I wouldn’t get to see David anymore. Maybe we wouldn’t even speak.

Rationally, I knew David would never try to get me into trouble with the law. And I knew he didn’t blame me for everything that had transpired, but there was a real possibility of him wanting out of our living arrangements because of the rising tension.

Maybe that was the concern Michael had mentioned. Now it was a concern of mine as well.

The idea of David leaving punched a hole in my chest a mile wide. I’d never felt such a staggering sense of loss. Not when any of my former lovers had moved on, and not when Crystal had abruptly found another guy. I’d enjoyed my time with her, but the feelings I’d developed for David were the kind I’d never thought myself capable of having. They were heavy enough to flatten me now that I was faced with the idea of us never being together.

I didn’t just want him—I needed him. He wasn’t just one of a few options. He was a fucking necessity.

I tried to force myself to rest, but a nice bottomless REM sleep remained just out of reach. Every sound, from the metal gates being tugged over the doors of the bodega on the corner to the distant laughter of a child, jerked me out of the light doze.

By the time David returned, I’d given up on sleep and was attempting to formulate an e-mail to Viktor on my phone, explaining that I had a family emergency and would be out the next day. The accuracy of my typing dropped as soon as David burst through the front door and charged into my room.

“Hey.” He was flushed and breathless. “Sorry I didn’t call you. My phone died as soon as Michael texted me and said you were out.”

“Oh,” I said, playing it cool. Never mind that I’d invented fantasies about him shutting it off to focus on lovingly tending to Caleb at the ER. “No problem.”

David ripped off his coat and dropped it on the floor, still sucking in breaths. “I ran all the way here.” He sat next to me on the bed. “I was so worried.”

I tossed my phone to the side. “Were you?”

“Yes! Of course.” David took one last heaving breath. He turned with one knee tucked beneath his thigh. “Him calling the cops was ridiculous.”

“Well, I did kinda go overboard….”

“Raymond, don’t even go there. I only stayed at the hospital so long to make sure his rich parents didn’t get wind of what happened and talk him into calling a lawyer.” David ripped the scarf from his neck and tossed it in the general direction of his coat. “Even he admitted all of it was a mistake He… actually seems to feel bad for what happened, and he said he never planned to press charges. Hopefully they just dismiss all of it, if they haven’t already.”

“I still have to go to court in the morning. I’m lucky they didn’t make me sit in jail all night or send me to Central Booking.”

“I can’t even imagine. I would have killed him.”

“It would have been my own fucking fault,” I said again. “He hit me first, but I could have ended it differently. I was just emotional and being an asshole.”

“Both of you were.”

“Yeah….”

David looked distraught enough for it to tug at my heartstrings. A spasm went through my fingers, but I refrained from pulling him close. I wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth of his body, to bask in his relief and concern and let it calm me after hours of psyching myself out about the fate of our relationship.

“I’m mad at you,” he said abruptly.

I nodded, unsurprised.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I said. “I’ve been going over all of this shit in my head since I got tossed in that cell, and I know I screwed up. I should have backed off when you wanted me to, but I forced it and made it worse. I let Caleb rile me up so I egged him on, but it wasn’t my place to repeat what you told me about him. I just got so mad, and so fucking tired of feeling like I can’t compete with him. Tired of thinking someone who could talk about you that way might end up with you.”

David clasped my hand. I squeezed, and he looked down at our twined fingers.

“He needed to know how things are, and while we were sitting in the hospital, I told him everything.”

“What’s everything?”

“About us.” He glanced up at me. “About me and you. I should have told him before, but I was scared. I’m still scared.”

“You don’t have to be.” Hope sparked in my chest and it loosened my tongue. “I’m not the guy I was a few months ago. I’m trying hard to get my shit together for the future. You don’t have to keep hanging on to him because you think you’re never going to meet anyone better. I’m different than him, but I’m… damn, man, I’m better for you. We’re good together. Maybe not when I’m breaking your ex-man’s nose, but we’re fucking
happy
when we’re close. That should count for something.”

“It does.” David gave me a wobbly smile. “And we are. And I’m not afraid of you making something of yourself. I’ve never had any doubts. That’s not why I’m mad. I’m mad because you assumed I was standing there talking shit about you with him, and then you let that send your temper into overdrive. And because you cut all your hair.”