SWEET ANTICIPATION (22 page)

Roughly he dragged his fingers through his dark hair, rumpling it even more than it already was. As he stood there, trying to calm down and to decide what his next step should be, Lauren stretched lazily and rolled over onto her back.

For a few seconds, her fuzzy thoughts couldn’t decide whether last night had all been a dream or if Jordan had actually made fabulous love with her here in this bed. He was no longer lying next to her, but she could still feel the warmth where his body had been and smell his after-shave clinging to the pillowcase. Then where was he now?

Her eyes had been closed against the intrusion of morning sunlight, but she managed to force them open long enough to see Jordan silhouetted against the window. Holding the sheet over her breasts with one hand, Lauren sat up and gave him a sleepy smile. “Good morning. Did you sleep well?” she asked, her voice low and husky. “How did the ten o’clock feeding go last night? Thanks for taking it for me. I’m not usually so lazy, but I was so tired, and I imagine you can guess the reason for that.”

She wished he would move out of the shadows so that she could see his expression. He still hadn’t spoken and she began to sense something in the way he held his body that told her he was upset. Maybe he had resented having to get up in the middle of the night to feed Melanie. Or maybe he regretted having let himself get so involved with her. Lauren’s grip on the sheet tightened as she grew increasingly uncomfortable about sitting in bed totally nude while he stood, at least partially dressed, like a stone statue, staring at her.

Nervously she licked her lips and tried to figure out a way to get up and slip into her clothes without having him watch her every movement. “So what would you like for breakfast?” she managed to ask in what could pass as an offhand tone.

At last he moved, but instead of walking around the end of the bed, he began to pace back and forth in a stalking stride, his bare feet making dull little thuds on the rug-covered wooden floor.

“Would you honestly like to know what I want?” he demanded in a voice that caused her to cringe.

She knew he wasn’t referring to breakfast and she wished he would go ahead and say what was on his mind. It was too early in the day for guessing games.

“I’d like for you to tell me when you’re going to bury Johnny Nelson,” he stated bluntly. “Just take a look around this room. It isn’t a bedroom; it’s a shrine. Look at all those awards and pictures. They’re almost all his. Haven’t you ever achieved anything worth framing? Why, after almost two years, are these things still important to you?”

“Boy, you must have gotten out of bed on the wrong side,” she exclaimed as she glanced quickly around the room at the pictures that had been hanging there for so many months that she had almost forgotten they were still there. “I don’t know what happened to get you so worked up, but I think you’re overreacting again. All these things are important pieces of my past. I can no more throw them away than I could toss out my high school yearbooks or my Madonna CDs.”

“A lot has happened since you were in high school. I think that as long as you hold on to your ex-husband, you’ll never grow up—and there’s certainly no room in your life for another man.”

“That’s not true. You and I got pretty close last night. Doesn’t that count for something?” she flashed back at him, her sapphire eyes glittering angrily.

“I really hoped something would work out between us, Lauren. I was prepared to tolerate your memories until you could decide how you feel about me, but now that I see that you haven’t made any effort to let go of your past, I think I would be wasting my time.”

“But I
do
care about you,” she cried. “You and I have already created some of our own memories. I
have
thought a lot about your marriage proposal and believe we have a very good chance to be happy together—as a family.”

“Oh, sure,” he snorted in disbelief. “And exactly where would you wear my wedding ring—on your right hand, around your neck on a chain, or would you prefer that we just recycle the rings Johnny gave you so you could always think of both of us?”

Lauren stared down at her left hand. She had never taken those rings off since the day she and Johnny were married. It had never occurred to her that they would become such a problem in her relationship with Jordan. But he was a man and couldn’t be expected to understand how sentimental, and even superstitious, a woman could be about such things.

“I’m not asking you to give up every shred of
your
past,” she countered.

“And it has become very clear to me that you’re not ready to give up any of yours.” Jordan marched around the bed and snatched up his shoes and socks. “I’m a grown man and I’m too old to fight a losing battle. If you can say goodby to Johnny, then let me know. Otherwise, I wish you and your memories much happiness.”

Lauren didn’t move until she heard the back door slam behind him. Her feelings alternated between hurt, confusion and just plain anger. Jordan hadn’t wanted to hear any of her explanations, and probably wouldn’t have understood them if he had listened. The man was behaving in as pushy and irrational a manner as he had on their first meeting in the cafeteria so many months ago. He expected her to give up everything for him, to leave her own identity behind and meekly to become his wife.

Her past was important to her. It had made her the person she was today. How could he ask her to forget Johnny? Didn’t he know that there were different kinds of love and that she was capable of loving Jordan without locking all her other memories away?

It was just as well that she had found out about this inflexible side of him before she had married him. She had tasted independence and could no longer tolerate a man dictating to her, especially when it concerned something that was not any of his business. After Johnny’s death she had learned to stand on her own two feet and make her own decisions. She would be taking a giant step backward if she let herself revert to the innocent, obedient, unquestioning wife she had been before.

The sound of Melanie wiggling restlessly in her crib reminded Lauren that she couldn’t sit in bed all day. Her limbs felt leaden as she forced herself to pull on a robe and go to Melanie. After changing the baby’s diaper, she pulled the soft cotton gown back down over Melanie’s little body and picked her up. Cuddling her daughter in her arms, she murmured against the top of Melanie’s silky blond curls, “My little angel, it looks as if it’s going to be just you and me. There for awhile, you had too many daddies and now you have none.”

A sob caught in Lauren’s throat as she realized that Jordan had left them both. After the chaotic scene he had walked into yesterday evening, along with cleaning up Melanie’s mess and taking on the late-night feeding, he had apparently realized that fatherhood was not all fun and games. And even more painful and humiliating was the thought that Lauren might not have satisfied him in bed. She had been so overwhelmed with her own pleasure that she hadn’t even considered whether or not he was reaching the same heights of ecstasy.

There was no telling how long Jordan had been awake this morning, trying to think of a way to cut all ties without having to admit that he had made a mistake. Maybe he had grabbed at the evidence that Johnny was still a part of her life to get himself out of an awkward situation. Then he tried to throw all the blame on her and make her feel guilty. Well, as far as she was concerned, when he had walked out that door he had relinquished all rights to both her and Melanie.

A hot, salty tear slid down her cheek and dropped onto Melanie’s head. Jordan had burst into Lauren’s life, disrupted her plans, interfered with everything—and made both her and Melanie fall in love with him. That was the lowest blow of all.

Chapter Thirteen

“Melanie is doing very well. She has gained a little over a pound and four ounces and has grown an inch since she was born.” Dr. Johnson made some notes on the baby’s chart before turning his attention back to Lauren. “We should have the results of her blood tests by the day after tomorrow. If you could stop by my office sometime that afternoon, I’ll be able to tell you exactly what you want to know.”

Lauren looked at the Band-Aid on Melanie’s heel and frowned. Exactly what was it that she wanted to know? Up to the last minute before the nurse had actually drawn the blood, Lauren had been undecided about whether or not she wanted to go through with this test. Although now she definitely didn’t want to know the results, she did want to be prepared for whatever fallout should occur once the true paternity was determined.

Since that first day when she had met a very angry Jordan Daniels in the cafeteria, her wishes for the outcome had done a complete about-face. Back then she had almost gotten hysterical every time she considered the idea that he might be the father. But now she was fervently praying that he would be. If ever a man deserved to be a father, he did.

During the past two weeks, Jordan had dropped by every evening just as before, but he made it perfectly clear that he was there to visit Melanie and not her mother. At first Lauren had been relieved that he hadn’t deserted the child just because he was mad at Lauren. He was keeping up a routine that made Melanie happy. Even as young as she was, there was no doubt that the baby recognized Jordan and looked forward to having him give the six p.m.. bottle. Her internal alarm clock knew when he was late and nothing, including her bottle, made her settle down until he arrived.

But after the visits had continued with Jordan treating Lauren with the same friendly, but reserved, respect that he had always given Rita, she felt her anger at him begin to rekindle. Instead of sitting with Lauren in the living room, he always took Melanie into the nursery to feed her. He gave the excuse that he had so little time to spend with the infant that he preferred to do so in the quiet and solitude of the nursery. His meaning was all too clear—Lauren was not welcome to join those cozy get—togethers.

During the first couple of evenings she had kept busy in the kitchen or pretended to read in the living room. But when Jordan, after spending an hour or so with Melanie feeding her and settling her down for her nap, would walk right past Lauren with only a casual wave and a pleasant good-night before the creak of the screen door announced his exit, Lauren began to feel that her presence was not needed. When he had arrived the next day, she told him she would be working in the shop and to let her know when he left so that she could return home.

This meant that their conversations were now limited to “Hi, I’m here” and “Goodbye, see you tomorrow.”

As the days turned into weeks, she began to feel the first twinges of fear that things might never get any better between them. After the night they had spent making such beautiful love together, she had convinced herself that he had just been suffering from an attack of bachelor nerves. Surely he would come to his senses and back off from his unreasonable demands, especially when he saw that the more he tried to pressure her, the more determined she would become to keep her own identity. She was afraid that once she gave in, the demands would snowball. Today he was asking her to throw away her pictures and give up her house, but what would it be tomorrow—her shop?

The way she saw it, he was expecting her to make all the changes. If he were to continue their relationship, she had to give up her home, her furniture, her last name and her past while all he had to give up was half of his closet space. It was as much the
way
he had presented his demands as the demands themselves. And so far, Lauren was not willing to compromise.

But what hurt the most was her belief that if he truly cared about her, he wouldn’t have picked an argument with her over what she considered a trivial matter.

To Lauren it was obvious that Jordan’s feelings had always been mixed about their relationship. At first he had belligerently declared that he would fight her for his share of the baby’s custody, but then, without explanation he had backed off. Next he had proposed—actually it was more of a suggestion—that they get married, but after she had agreed, he had dropped the subject. And finally, after the most wonderfully passionate night of her life when she expected to wake up in his loving arms, he had pushed her away.

Every time they had begun to get close emotionally, he had gone into full retreat. Before her heart had become involved, she had been glad that he had changed his mind, especially about the custody issue. But now she was convinced that he would not have been so inconsistent if he had fallen even the least bit in love with her.

She had no doubt that he loved Melanie, and sporadically he had acted like a lover to Lauren. But never had he mentioned the word love to Lauren, a fact she now believed was intentional and not merely an oversight.

Putting aside her disturbing thoughts, Lauren strapped Melanie into her stroller before paying the bill and leaving the pediatrician’s office
.
By the time she had walked the half dozen blocks from the medical center complex to her shop, Lauren’s clothes were sticking wetly to her body and Melanie had started to fret from the heat. July and August were Houston’s most unbearable months, with daily temperatures soaring into the upper nineties and occasionally over a hundred with 95% humidity. Plants loved it; humans, not so much. Most people confined their outdoor activities to running from an air-conditioned house to an air-conditioned car and then into an air-conditioned office building, only to reverse the procedure in the late afternoon.

By the time Lauren practically staggered into the shop, she regretted her decision to take what was usually a pleasant stroll. She had hoped to spend the rest of the afternoon working until closing time, but now she felt sweaty and drained. For the past two weeks she had been increasing her hours at the shop until she was working more than half a day. Melanie was perfectly happy to spend her daytime naps in a portable crib in the workroom while Lauren waited on customers or helped Rita with the special orders. Then every evening Lauren would take home any unfinished projects to complete while Melanie slept in her own nursery.

“You won’t believe how incredibly hot it is out there,” she gasped to Rita. “It must be a hundred and ten in the shade with about ninety-nine percent humidity.”

“It’s on days like these that I miss Vermont. Of course, when they have snow four-feet deep and we’re
suffering
through seventy-five-degree winter days, I remember why I moved here fifteen years ago.” Rita was busy blowing up balloons, using the helium tank and then twisting plastic clips around the ends.

Lauren looked up at the brightly colored orbs that had risen to the ceiling, their long string tails dangling within easy reach. “What are all these balloons for? Is someone having a party?”

“Ho-Ho the clown is going to visit the children’s ward at the hospital this evening and his helium tank broke. He dropped by while you were gone and asked if we would blow these up for him. I told him I was sure you wouldn’t mind.”

“That’s fine with me. Let me run home, take a quick shower and change Melanie’s diaper, and I’ll come back and help you. How many more did he want?”

“He left me a bagful along with the clips and string. I didn’t bother to count them, but I would guess there are about a hundred or so.”

“I’ll hurry,” Lauren promised and wheeled Melanie’s stroller out the back door and along the walkway to her house. The baby was exhausted from the heat and from her crying when the nurse had pricked her heel for the blood test. Almost as soon as Lauren fastened a clean diaper on her and put her in her crib, Melanie stuck her thumb in her mouth and fell asleep.

Lauren took off her blouse and slacks in her bedroom and pinned her hair up on top of her head before walking down the hall to the bathroom. As soon as the water was warm, she stepped under the shower spray, gradually adjusting the temperature until it was cool enough to make her skin tingle. It felt so good after the heavy heat outdoors that she was tempted to stand there forever. But keeping in mind her promise to get back to the shop as quickly as possible, she didn’t linger under the refreshing spray. After turning the faucets off, she stepped out onto the thick pink rug, dried off with a matching towel, then wrapped it around her body so she could walk back to her bedroom to get dressed.

She opened the bathroom door and rushed out, promptly colliding with the warm, soft wall of a human body. A shriek of surprise escaped her lips as she tried to regain her balance and get away from the unexpected intruder. But the man reached out at the same second, grasping her shoulders to keep her from falling. Terrified, her gaze lifted quickly to his face.

“Jordan, what are you doing sneaking through my house?” she snapped, angry that he had frightened her so badly. But as she looked up at him, she felt her heart lurch even more violently than it had when she had thought he was a burglar. His black hair fell softly across his forehead and there was a raw emotion glittering in the depths of his silvery-gray eyes. For just a second Lauren thought she saw a hint of wistful longing in them as he stared down at her, but that was soon replaced by an expression as cool as the water in her shower. The look had come and gone so quickly that she couldn’t be certain whether she had actually seen it or just wished it was there.

“I’m sorry if I surprised you,” he said, releasing his hold on her arms and stepping back. “I left work early today and when I dropped by the shop Rita said you had just returned from the pediatrician’s office. I knocked, but you must not have heard me.”

“So you just walked in,” she finished for him. “Did you break another window?”

“I didn’t need to,” he responded gruffly. “You left the door unlocked. That dead bolt isn’t going to do you any good if you don’t use it.”

“Another lecture? Isn’t there anything I do that you approve of?”

Unwillingly, his gaze slid down her beautiful, almost naked body, most of which was left tantalizingly bare by the towel that covered only a strip from below her armpits to the tops of her thighs. Small beads of moisture still clung to the smooth skin of her shoulders and damp tendrils of honey-blond hair curled around her face and neck. Her cheeks were flushed a warm pink and her eyes were unusually bright, probably from the surge of adrenaline after their surprise collision.

He had to swallow and take a deep, steadying breath before he could answer. “You look good in pink,” he managed to say in a much lighter tone than he was feeling. The sight of her standing so close and looking so ravishing tempted him to pick her up in his arms and carry her off to the bedroom. But as much as his own adrenaline was rushing through his body, he refused to give in.

It was killing him to see her every day and pretend a total lack of interest in her and her activities. But he had discovered that he couldn’t take second place in her life to her memories. During the past two weeks she had shown no sign of changing her mind and he really couldn’t understand it. He had been certain that once she had time to think through what he had said, she would agree that their love was better than anything that had ever happened to either of them. Apparently he had misjudged the depth of her affections for both himself and for Johnny. If she were unwilling to give up a ghost for a real man, then Jordan didn’t think he should follow her around like a lovesick fool.

Instead, he tried to avoid Lauren while continuing to strengthen the bond between him and Melanie. Lord, how it was going to hurt if Lauren were to find out that the baby wasn’t his and deny him any visiting privileges. He didn’t know if he could stand losing both of the most important females in his life.

Lauren’s hand clenched the towel, holding it in place. Jordan sadly noted that she had still not taken off the rings and he was beginning to doubt that she ever would. His voice was husky as he continued, “As attractive as you look in that towel, you’d better put more clothes on before you go back to the shop or Ho-Ho will forget about all those poor little sick kids at the hospital.”

“Is Ho-Ho already back?”

“Yes, he was helping Rita with the balloons.”

Lauren took a step backward, edging toward her room. “You’re right. I’d better get dressed. You’re a couple of hours early and Melanie just fell asleep, so it might be a while before she wakes up. Are you going to stay until she takes her bottle?”

“I’m not sure,” he answered. “But I’ll stick around until you get through helping Rita.” “What’s your hurry? Are you going to another family get-together tonight?”

“I’ve got tickets to a concert this evening and I needed the extra time to get ready and beat the traffic getting there so I can find a decent parking place.”