Sweet Reflection (30 page)

She breathes in deeply and slowly as though that breath is cleansing her of negative thoughts and relaxes down against the pillow.

“I’m getting tired sweetie. I think you should go back to the house. Have a shower. Get some sleep. Deal with your store. Then come back and by that time I’ll be feeling a lot brighter. You need to take care of yourself too. I’ll be fine here.” She smiles and her hand leaves mine to pull the blanket up around her and her eyelids flutter closed. I guess that’s the end of the conversation. I want to laugh, she’s still the same as she’s always been. Last words always go to her.

I don’t let my mind focus on anything in particular driving home. I only see the line of trees blurring past me as I fly down the country roads, twisting and spiralling, leaning into each sharp turn of the wheel, riding over each mound in the tarmac seamlessly. I put the windows down, switch the radio on and turn the bass up high. I get lost in the cool breeze skimming over every cell in my body and the pulse of the beat pounding hard in my head. It works at keeping everything else out until I pull onto my road and see the car parked on the kerb outside my house. The beat of the music is drowned out by the beat of my heart, pushing against my ribcage. Now I wish I’d spent the drive back planning on what I was going to say to him, to keep it from hurting us both more than it already will. I just wasn’t expecting him back until tonight. I contemplate turning around and driving anywhere else I can think of, Cassie’s maybe, but I see his door open and I know he’s seen me. I can’t be a coward anyway, I have to face this head on. Get it over with quickly. Just like ripping off a plaster.

“Hey, you okay? You’re up early. Good thing actually. I came to take you out to breakfast.” He strides over to my side of the car and flashes the sexy, confident grin that usually makes me go weak at the knees. If I keep looking at him I’m going to give in and I have to remind myself he deserves more than I can give him right now. I busy myself getting my handbag out the car and expect to hear him carry on talking but there’s silence even though I can feel his presence behind me. I lower my bag strap onto my shoulder slowly and turn to see his face taut, worry etched into all his features.

“Wait, where have you been? And where’s Judy?”

“In the hospital. I left you a voicemail.” The words come out harsher than I expected them to. I was the one who told him to go have fun. I can’t blame him for doing exactly that. And he can’t be at my beck and call all the time. I know that, so why do I feel bitter that he never called me back?

“I didn’t get it. My phone broke at some point, I don’t know what happened to it. I only realised when I got back and took it out to ring you.” He looks at me and waits.

“Oh.” It’s all I can manage. It doesn’t really matter why he didn’t ring me back. It doesn’t change the end result. I tighten my grip on my bag and slam the car door shut.

“We need to talk.”

I never thought I’d be having this conversation. I want to do it blindfolded so I don’t have to see his reaction. Whatever it’s going to be, I know it will stay with me for the rest of my life, I have to be prepared for that. He will always be the one that got away. Or the one I pushed away.

I place my bag on the chair in the hallway and look back up, “James, I-”

“-No!” He roars, as his body jolts forward and his hand comes up to slam against the wall behind me. “Don’t do this Laurel.” He sees it in my eyes before I even say it. He’s always been good at reading me.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Don’t shut me out. Let me help.” His hand strokes my cheek and I feel the pain tearing through my chest, it hurts so much I struggle to breathe.

“I just need to be on my own. You have to let me go.” I whisper, my voice not able to manage any other sound.

“Don’t be stupid.” He spits out and slams both hands against the wall before pushing his weight off them and pacing the hallway. He growls and rubs his hand over his neck, then takes in a few purposeful breaths. I’ve never seen him lose his cool like this. His eyes blaze with anger and confusion.

“Why?”

It’s a simple question. But there’s no simple answer. He just needs to know that it’s not him, it’s me. That sounds so lame but it’s true. He’s been perfect. Too perfect. I love him. I’m falling hard. But eventually it will end. And I’ll end up worse off than before. It’s self-preservation. I’m shutting down and shutting him out now before it’s too late.

“James, you deserve to be with someone who’s more emotionally stable. Someone who can have a laugh with you, who will enjoy life with you. I can’t do that. My head’s all over the place. I don’t know how I feel. I’m upset, confused, angry and I need to just focus on me and my mum without thinking about someone else too.”

“But I can be here for you. I’ll help you through it.” He protests but I shake my head, I need him to realise I’m not going to change my mind.

“You think you can, but the reality is, I’ll be a shit girlfriend. What about the next time something important comes up and I can’t make it because there’s a chemo appointment, she’s having a bad day or I’m just too damn tired? That’s not fair on you. I’m guessing you won?”

He looks down, and mumbles, “Yes.”

I want to smile, but my mouth won’t move. I’m so proud, but it just makes the guilt worse.

“See? As your girlfriend I should have been there to support you. You’ll be disappointed and I’ll keep on disappointing you. And eventually you’ll end up resenting me. My mum will always come first. You’ll always be second for as long as she’s fighting this, and I don’t know how long
this
will be. You deserve someone who can put you first.”

His lips purse together and his eyes pierce through mine in a way I’ve never felt before. It’s rage. Directed at me.

“Is that how you see me? I would
never
expect you to put me first whilst she’s fighting for her life. How could you think that of me? I know exactly how you feel. I don’t know what else I can do or say. I really don’t. I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve walked the
same
path you’re walking now. Every fear, every worry, every anxiety you have, I’ve had before too. That alone gives me something he never had.” His eyes look down and focus on the carpet. “I’m nothing
like
him Laurel.”

I want to go to him. To wrap my arms around him and comfort him, and it takes every ounce of self-control to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.

“I understand why he left. I never thought I would. But I see it now.” My voice turns soft but determined. He has to understand. “He just wanted a normal girlfriend. No baggage, no drama. I can’t be mad at him for that. I choose that for you too.”

“It’s
my
choice, babe. I love you. I can’t let you do this.”

He advances slowly towards me.

I don’t know why I thought he was going to let me go without a full on battle. It’s not in his
nature; if he wants something, he fights for it. His mouth meets mine before I can push him away. He’s strong, his whole body is pressed against mine and I selfishly kiss him back with more immediacy than I’ve ever had before. His lips move quickly, urgently, and one of his hands grips the back of my neck, tilting my head back so his mouth can devour more of mine. The thrash of his tongue is like a jolt waking me from a dream. This isn’t fair to him, I have to stop. I tear my lips away from his and take a moment to gulp in a few breaths. When I look up, I see the panic and frustration in his eyes. I knew that was goodbye, he didn’t.

I swallow to stop the sob that’s building in my chest, but when I see the clear sheen in his eyes I can’t stop it from breaking free. More follow and they rack my body as he pulls away and straightens himself. His eyes blink rapidly but that doesn’t stop the tear from falling. It breaks my heart a little bit more.

“Two weeks.” He croaks out quietly.

He pauses to clear his throat and drops his voice lower than I’ve heard before; each word hardened, each word as unbreakable as the one before.

“Two weeks to come to your senses or I’m coming back for you.”

Chapter Twenty Two

James

Two fucking weeks is two fucking weeks too long. I slam my hands against the steering wheel before a deep growl ripples from my throat. If my damn phone hadn’t have broken I could have stopped all this. I would have been back here and straight to the hospital as soon as I heard her voice.

I drive to the only place that gives me comfort when I don’t know what else to do.

Gives me the strength to face fears. Gives me clarity when I can’t see straight. She’s there for me even though she’s not.

I slam the brakes and grab the Jack from the backseat. One little detour and I’m prepped to drown myself in alcohol until the pain has been dulled. One swig of the bottle and I’m desperate for more; long gulps that leave me breathless but draw me in with their promise of release.

I’m walking so fast I stumble on the gravel. I weave carelessly in between the grave stones until I spot the one I need, then break out into a run, relief flowing through me as I get closer and closer. I slump forward onto my knees in front of it, the bottle in my right hand, fists of grass in my left. My fingers dig deep into the soil; my chest heaves as I struggle to catch my breath and I blink to try and ease the burning in my eyes.

“I wish you were here.” I whisper. The admission tips me over the edge and I snivel into the bottle until my head tips back all the way to catch the last drop. It falls from my fingers and it hasn’t done what I expected. I wanted to be numb. But I still feel everything.

My head’s hazy so I lie back on the ground slowly looking up at the sky. It spins and I chase the clouds with my eyes, round and round and round. I’m dizzy. My arms spread out on either side and I thump my hands against the ground to try and steady myself but it stills feels like the earth is moving away from me so I shut my eyes. I tumble through the darkness, giving in to the emptiness that’s calling to me.

Laurel

I sip the cold sharp liquid, wait for it to hit the back of my throat, then go again. I swallow and get ready for the next one. Every night has been the same. I’m five days in to the two week promise he made and I’ve had five days of focussing on mum, and four nights of downing wine like its water.

“Right, intervention time. I’ve had enough.” Jen watches me, sipping from her glass and placing it back on the table. “You cannot keep doing this to yourself. If not for your sanity, do it for your liver. It’s taking a right pounding this week.”

I roll my eyes and tip the glass right back. My eyes meet hers in a challenge and if it wasn’t for the fact I don’t feel like drinking alone, I’d tell her where to go.

“Laurel,” she cries and I smirk to myself. Ha! I can do whatever I want.

“Real classy, Laurel. Why don’t you just drink it from the bottle while you’re at it? It’ll save you from having to get up too. You could just stay on the sofa and drown your sorrows with minimum effort.” She tuts at me and wrinkles her nose and I start to think that maybe she’s onto something. I get up silently and I see her questioning eyes follow me to the door but I don’t let on where I’m going. I walk through the house, and sway slightly as I reach out to grab the handle on the fridge. I want to be numb. But I still feel everything. So I take out the bottle and do just what she suggested. I wonder what Nurse Jenny will say about this. Feeling smug, I wander back through to the lounge taking long swigs of wine as I go. Before I walk in the door, I hear her talking quietly. She must be on the phone. I stumble backwards and bump into something that rattles with the weight of my body against it, “Shhh,” I say to the plant pot on the hallway table and giggle as I bring the bottle back up to my lips. I slump back against the wall and listen to Jen.

“Cass, I don’t know what to do. She won’t listen. She drinks and she cries then she drinks some more. It’s not just James. She mumbles about her dad too. And her mum. You know she’s been really sick this week with the chemo. All of its taking its toll on her and she’s struggling. Like, really struggling…Well at least he’s feeling the same then…I don’t know why she did it…Okay, I’ll keep you updated…Bye honey.”

I roll round the door frame and point the bottle at her.

“S’not you’re place to judge. You’re my friend. I did it because I had to. He deserves more than me. I mean, look at me.” I take another swig and open out my arms, before falling back into the chair. I drink at home. I don’t go out. I couldn’t be in public like this.

“Yeah I’m looking at you and seeing a woman who’s hurting. Going through something horrible. But I see the same thing every day and there are better ways to deal with it than drinking yourself into a stupor every night.”

She sits opposite me and tilts her head waiting for a response. The bottle comes back to my lips.

“Give me ten days. Ten days and this will all be over and we can both move on. But he’s a stubborn bastard so I know he won’t listen until then.”

“You know it’s Cassie’s hen night tomorrow don’t you? Are you still coming?”

“Of course.” I say as I lean my head back onto the cushion. My eyelids are feeling heavy, I may just take a quick nap.