Sweet Solace (The Seattle Sound Series Book 1) (18 page)

“Hey,” I said, keeping my voice soft. “Cameron’s got him. Darlin’s not going to buck him off.”

Asher turned his head, and I was shocked to see the brown bleeding out from the green, pupils too dilated for the bright day.

“You’re right.”

“But if you want Mason off the pony, we’ll get him off.”

“Dad! Look at me. I’m riding a horse,” Mason yelled. Darlin’ took advantage of Mason’s excitement and leaned down to munch a clump of tender grass at the edge of the pen.

“Good job, buddy. How about you hold the reins?”

Mason bounced in the saddle and Darlin’ huffed, still munching. Cameron stepped in and showed Mason how to hold the reins. Asher’s body uncoiled with slow, painful shudders.

“He’s all I have. Watching him do these things . . . Sometimes it really freaks me out.”

I pressed my cheek into his chest, listening to the steady thud of Asher’s heart. “I understand.”

“I know you do,” Asher whispered, sweeping the hair off my forehead. “You make carrying the burden easier. I couldn’t handle it if something happened to him.”

I wrapped my arm around his waist, uncaring what the people around us thought. “You’ll do everything you can to make sure he’s safe. That’s all any of us can do.”

“Sometimes it isn’t enough.”

I blinked up at him. “You’re right about that, too. But you’ve taught me to not let fear control how I live life.”

“Have I?” His eyes brightened as the corner of his lips curled up. “That’s good.”

“It is. Thank you for that.”

Asher pulled me closer. “Back at you, Dahlia.” His gaze drifted toward Mason who was walking in a slow circle around the large corral, Cameron holding the lead rope.

* * *

W
hen Luke
and his dad showed up in the early afternoon, along with Sally, her younger brother, and parents, Cameron’s mom suggested a barbecue.

“I don’t have anything with me,” I said, flustered.

“Abbi told me you cooked up a storm,” Rhonda said. “So we swung by your place and picked up some of the food in the fridge. You made more than enough for all of us.”

I leaned over to Abbi. “You planned this, didn’t you?”

Her eyes were wide and innocent. I narrowed mine in response.

“Leave that girl alone.” Rhonda swatted at my arm. “Lydia and I came up with the plan this morning when you called to see about Mason riding Darlin’. Abbi said you ate a late breakfast so you have to be hungry. This’ll be a fun way to spend the afternoon and evening. Plus, we wanted to meet your new men.” She poked Mason in the stomach, and he giggled.

“Can I have a s’more?” he asked.

Rhonda stood, hands on her generous hips. “You sure can. More than one if you stick by me.”

“Okay!”

We all laughed as Mason danced around the yard, hyper enough to make Asher comment that he didn’t need sugar.

“He’s fine,” I murmured. “Just excited.”

“Yeah, he’s wheels-off when he gets excited.”

“This is the perfect place to live it out loud.”

“You make it so easy, Dahlia. Thanks for today.”

I smiled, memorizing the planes of Asher’s face and the sparkle in his eyes.

Replete with food and laughter, Asher picked up Cameron’s shiny, new guitar. The boy had brought it outside with the last load of food but hadn’t actually asked Asher to play. Everyone leaned in, focused, when Asher tuned the instrument.

“What do you want to hear?” he asked.

“What’s your favorite song?” Rhonda asked.

“Well, for the longest time, it was ‘Moonshine Eyes’,” he said, strumming a soft, light melody. I shivered as his eyes met mine, heat simmering in his gaze. “But I’ve become rather partial to ‘Sweet Solace’ once again. Tell you what, I’ll play both, and you tell me which one you prefer.”

Firelight drifted over Asher’s skin, bathing him in its golden hues. His whiskey-soaked voice drifted over my skin, sliding deep inside me, just as it always did. My favorites, besides his own, were the old Bob Dylan songs. His voice was clear and pitch-perfect, melting into Dylan’s lyricism.

Each minute, each interaction with Asher, built upon itself, reverberating through me.

Sure, the timing was terrible, but I wanted him. I wanted this easy space we fell into. I blew out a breath, looking out into the star-filled night, wishing I’d been smarter with my choices.

I don’t think I’ve got it in me. The staying power.

Whether he had it in him or not, I wanted more of this. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to want a life with Asher.

“
Y
ou’re quiet
. Everything okay?” I asked as I stepped into the kitchen. I’d read Mason a book from Dahlia’s impressive library while she puttered downstairs with Abbi.

“That’s my cue. I’m outta here.”

“I didn’t mean to cut your conversation short with your mom, Abbi.”

“Oh, believe me, you weren’t interrupting a thing. Mom’s being stubborn. It’s the unattractive side of her personality. Plus, I have to answer all my social media messages that I couldn’t check for the last few days, thanks to Mom grounding me. Popularity is a real time suck.” She kissed my cheek on her way out. “Thanks for a fun day. I loved hearing you sing.”

She took the stairs two at a time before I could even raise my hand to the place her lips had touched. Dahlia’s elbows were on the bar, her face smug.

“Another admirer,” she said. Her voice was warm. Good.

“She’s great, and I’m glad we get along. But I only really care about one woman’s admiration.”

“Oh?” She pulled back and turned to the fridge. I followed, a magnet to the loadstone. “Want a beer?” she asked, her back to me.

I placed my hands on her hips and pressed my nose into her hair. “I meant you, Dahlia.”

She turned slowly, her hand coming up to rest on my chest. “Asher . . .”

“Do you have any idea how much I like my name coming from your mouth? The way your lips form the syllables. I’ve wanted to kiss your lips since I first saw you. And when I did, it was magic.” I took a deep breath. “I’m not going to push you. But you have to know I’ve thought about you. Fantasized about you. I told you that. In the elevator. Now, being here with you, my dreams are richer.”

I picked up her hand that held the beer. I took the bottle, set it on the counter, and shut the fridge behind her, leaving my arm next to her head. “I’ve thought about the smell of your hair. Your eyes get that faraway look when you’re thinking. How they sparkle before you smile. I’ve thought about the little dimple in your cheek. The way your hips sway in heels.”

“This isn’t slow,” she murmured. She sounded tortured.

I stepped back, giving her the space she needed. “I’ve thought about you being alone, and how scared you are even though you’re capable of taking care of yourself and your daughter. I’ve thought about your injury,” I said. I ran my fingertips across the healing cut over her eyebrow before cupping her other cheek. “I’ve worried about you, Dahlia. Especially your panic attacks.”

Her gray eyes were wide, filled with longing.

“You have enough to worry about right now without adding me to the list.”

“I know what I need to worry about.”

Her lips parted. I could take her now, if I asked. I knew I could just as I knew it was too soon for her, for us. So even though I wanted to bury my fingers in her silk hair and plunder her mouth, I grabbed the beer from the counter instead.

“Are you still in love with Doug?” I asked.

She blinked. I could tell she was trying to bring her head out of the sensuality caused by my earlier words. I bit back a smile.

She opened a drawer and handed me the bottle opener.

“I—no,” she said. Her eyes never left mine. “I haven’t been in love with him for a long time.”

My throat was dry, my skin itchy. “Because he cheated?”

“Yes.” She blew out a breath. She met my eyes, and I wanted to fall into all that luscious silver. “By the time Abbi was in school, we were struggling. Not just because of Huntington’s, I don’t think. Not that it helped.”

I rubbed my thumb across her petal-soft lips. She wore some kind of sheer gloss I liked. A lot. Dahlia wasn’t superficial. She was herself, and I respected her for being strong enough not to hide behind lipstick or fake tits. “I’m glad I don’t have to compete with the perfect image.” I smirked. “We both know I’m not perfect.”

She wanted to raise her eyebrows, but she managed to stay the motion with a slight grimace. “Compete?”

“Yeah.”

I took a long swig of my beer, trying to look like I didn’t have a care in the world even though my heart was in my throat and my hands were all clammy.

“You’re nervous,” she whispered.

“Well, this is more important than asking Carey Newman to be my girlfriend in high school.”

“Because?”

“I care a fucking lot more about your answer.”

“You cuss when you’re upset.”

“Maybe. Are you going to ignore the fact that I want this to go somewhere?”

“This?”

“Our relationship,” I said.

Setting down the bottle, I put my hands on her upper arms. I pulled her toward me. Her lips parted and her eyes dilated. I smiled, letting my lip curl up the way she seemed to like. Her breath hitched and her chest expanded so that her breasts brushed my chest. Best feeling in the world.

“You just got out of a relationship. Or are working on finishing it. Why would you want to jump right into another one?”

That was the big question, one I was trying to work out in my mind. I was pretty sure of the answer, but I was scared shitless to go there. Still, Dahlia deserved to know the truth. “You think I’d be here if I didn’t care about you? This is more than attraction, Dahlia. Always has been.”

She kept her eyes on mine as she nodded. “It is. For me. I-I wanted you then. But I was with Doug.”

“Last night you said you were scared. I am, too.” I blew out a breath.

She smiled, her eyes warming, but she hesitated. “You might hurt me,” she said, voice low.

“Are you going to fight this chemistry because you’re afraid?”

I ran my thumb along her soft jaw down to the leaping pulse in her neck. Her lips parted and a breath puffed out.

“I need to see you,” I said. “Often. Every day.”

Her pulse jumped as the panic attack tried to wrestle away her control. I waited, knowing she’d want to handle this her way. She closed her eyes while her breath fluttered across my hand in sporadic bursts.

“You’ll leave. Once you’re stable. If nothing else, you’ll tour.” She ducked her head. “You’d break me if you cheated. I can’t do that again, Asher.”

“I don’t want anyone else. You can come with me on tour. So can the kids. We run a big enough operation it won’t be an issue. Bill brings his kids sometimes. Mason came as an infant. We make it work. It changes the rhythm, sure, but it’s good.”

I wanted to show her how much I wanted her. But more, I wanted to soothe her fear. I slid my thumb up her smooth cheek. Her eyes were full of sadness and longing, the color of the thunderheads that had burst upon us this morning.

“Doug collected women after he’d promised to love only me forever. How do you know what you feel for me could last?”

“How do you
not
know that?”

“Don’t do that,” she said. “I’m serious. I’ve had one relationship in my life.”

“You’re comparing what you feel for me to him. I don’t like that.”

She shook her head. “Doug cheated me out of a lot. If I loved a selfish man once, I’m afraid . . .” She looked away, tilting her head away from my grasp.

“You’ll do it again.” I stepped back and snagged my beer. “Fuck, Dahlia. I am selfish.” I stepped back further to ensure there was lots of space between us. I met her steady, gray gaze with my own.

“Pour yourself a glass of wine. We’ll sit on the couch, and I’ll tell you a story.”

“
I
was going
to tell you this morning, but the rain sidetracked me,” Asher said. He waited until we were settled on the couch. Much as I tried to stay away, my head found its way to his shoulder, and his fingers combed my hair with an absentminded gentleness that made my heart stutter.

“Mason had a twin sister. Olivia.”

I reached out, gripping the hand clenched on his thigh. He accepted the comfort, turning so we were palm to palm.

“She died of SIDS, right?”

“Accidental suffocation.” His voice was raw. “In our bed. Jessica said I slept through it while she was dealing with Mason. I . . .” He swallowed hard. “I don’t remember much about that night.”

“Oh, Asher,” I whispered.

“I wasn’t on anything. Just tired. The babies took turns waking up, and I dealt with a lot of it because Jessica had postpartum. Her doctor said she needed help. So I helped. But that night I fell asleep.”

“How old was she?” I asked.

“Five months.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “When Olivia died . . . Jessica didn’t ever recover from it. She’s become hell-bent on hurting me.”

I nodded, waiting. There was more to the story. Much as it hurt to hear it, he needed to tell me.

“I hired Mrs. Knowles to help out, but we were scheduled to tour about a month after Olivia’s funeral. I couldn’t wait to leave that house. Jessica wasn’t talking to me. First night out, I hit the pills hard. Shit I’d never done before. I spent months drunk and high, just to make the pain go away.”

I wanted to pull him out of the place he’d gone, but instead I waited, my heart aching.

“My mom got pissed and flew out with Jessica and Mason. I hadn’t seen him in months. He was crawling, babbling. So cute I could barely stand it. I didn’t want to hold him at first. Mom said I needed something to focus on, something other than the hole from losing Olivia. Jessica wasn’t making any sense. Talking about how she could still hear Olivia crying.”

He paused again, gathering himself for whatever he needed to say next.

“That’s why you stayed with her,” I said. “Because of the guilt.”

He gripped my hand, his anchor in a sea of grief and loss. “I wouldn’t have made it through that time without Mason and my mom. I rocked him every night. For hours. He’d sleep in my arms. But I couldn’t sleep. I was too scared I’d hurt him. Like I did his sister.”

I gripped his hand, tears pressing against the back of my eyes. This was painful to hear, so much worse than my spiral with Doug. Asher’s demons, and Jessica’s too, were buried with a tiny body in a cemetery in Seattle.

“The guys and I were fighting about whether to extend the tour. It was going well, really well, but Bill’s wife was unhappy and Carl hadn’t seen his son, Seth, in months. We extended. Ran another four months. As our music hit bigger, our private lives tanked. Jessica flew back out for a few weeks. She brought Mason again. She was on so many meds, she couldn’t keep them straight. I had to hide the bottles and dole them out each morning. Mason didn’t sleep through the nights.”

“And you performed?”

“Most nights, yeah. But the worst part was that Jessica wouldn’t touch Mason, wouldn’t look at him. It was like she’d built a wall, unable to connect with her own kid.”

I waited, my palm pressed tight to his.

“We finished our last month and came home. The guys wanted a break, needed to focus on something other than the music churn. Cammie, Bill’s wife, wanted out.”

He finished his beer and set it on the table. “I wouldn’t have made it through those years without my mom. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’d pulled my shit together so I could hang out with Mason, be a parent. Made a point of being home for my mom as she got sicker.”

He rested his face in the side of my neck and shuddered. “We’ve always made decisions as a band. We needed a break to put our lives back on track. Our next album didn’t get the same traction.”

“And she blamed you.”

“Jessica always blames me. I didn’t follow through on the promises I made her. I didn’t make enough money. The one thing we never, ever did was discuss Olivia.”

They needed to. If for no other reason than to gain closure and accept her death. Hopefully, they could find some happy memories to share, too. My heart ached for Asher but, for the first time, sympathy welled for Jessica. I knew all too well what it was like to build walls you didn’t know how to push through.

“I’m so, so sorry. For all of you.”

“And I’m telling you as bad as it got, I never fucking cheated on my wife or went against my vows. I’d seen what that did to my mom, and I wasn’t going to be like my dad.” He leaned his head back against the sofa’s rounded top. “Jessica didn’t believe me. Bill told me she visited him in a hotel room one night toward the end of that big run.”

“Sounds like she was trying to get your attention,” I murmured.

“I think it was more to get back at me. She wanted to hurt me—like she was hurting—by gaining control over me, my band. Something she’s never been able to do. Problem was, we were all too stretched to keep reaching. The next album was two years later.”

I held his hand, my heart aching for him. What he’d been through . . . He still held so much guilt.

“I’ve never asked Mason about Olivia. I’m scared of his answer.”

“Tell me,” I said. My hands were in his hair, stroking gently. “Something else is bothering you.”

“I think Jessica’s started using again. Probably meth or something like that. I checked her arms and there aren’t any tracks, thank God.” He paused. “If I put that out there,” his voice was quiet, “it’s going to get sordid real fast. We met at a party. It was so wild, the press talked about it for weeks afterward. All that shit’s going to be out there for Mason to see. I can’t do that to him. What if the judge decides neither of us is capable of raising a kid?”

His fear was rooted deep and was painful to witness. I wouldn’t offer a platitude, not to Asher. He deserved better than that. “Then why don’t you give her whatever she wants and cut your losses?”

“Because she wants more than money. She wants attention.” He dropped his head back against my neck. “She said the only way she’d walk away, not cause a fuss, is if I give her all my future royalties for the band. But it’s a lie. She said that to drag the divorce proceedings out further, keep us in the media churn. The one thing Jessica thrives on is attention. Fame.”

I tried not to stiffen in anger. I didn’t manage it, and Asher clutched me tighter. His words from the night we met at the bar came back to me.
Shitty things happen to good people.
I’d thought he was talking about me, and maybe he was, but he was also talking about his son. Asher didn’t seem to consider himself one of the good guys.

Maybe he hadn’t been. But that hadn’t stopped my interest then, and it didn’t scare me as much as it should now.

He rolled his head toward me, and I looked into his beautiful hazel eyes.

“My parents’ divorce fucked me up. I stayed in a really bad relationship because of it. Out of guilt.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“If I’d woken up in time, maybe Olivia would still be here. Maybe Jessica would be healthy and sober.”

I took his face between my palms and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth. “You aren’t anything like your dad, Asher. You didn’t destroy your relationship or hurt your child. At least not intentionally. Were you the one who brought Olivia into your bed?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. They had cribs. Upstairs. Jessica didn’t want the babies sleeping with her.”

“Then how did Olivia get there?”

He scratched his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t bring her down. At least I don’t remember doing that.” He blew out a harsh breath. “I just want to be done. I tried really fucking hard to make it work, but she wants to drag me down into that user hell with her, and I don’t want to go there again. I don’t think I’ll crawl back out.”

I rested my head against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.

“Briar has pictures of Jessica with her lover.”

“Who’s Briar?”

“My sister. She’s the editor-in-chief of the San Juan paper.”

“I’m not surprised,” Asher said. “Think I could get the photos?”

“Yes. She already offered. Will they help?”

“I need enough leverage to get Jessica to back off. And to keep her mouth shut so our pasts don’t hurt Mason later,” Asher said, exhaustion clear in his voice.

“You shouldn’t have to pay her with your future.”

“If she’d leave quietly, it’d be worth it. But the guys said no. They’re worried she’ll have a voting share, and they won’t work with her. The band’ll fold. And I love those guys. After all we’ve been through, they deserve better than that. So I have to come up with another option.”

I shouldn’t ask, but I had to know the answer. “You haven’t been intimate with her in years?”

Asher sat up and looked at me like I was insane. Though my chest ached, I couldn’t help but giggle at his expression. “Yeah, it’s been a long time for me, too. There are days I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“I could help with that.”

“I’m sure you could.” I narrowed my eyes. “So the whole bad-boy image is just that? I have to admit I’m a little disappointed. I always wanted you to pull me over to the wild side.”

The mood now lighter, he threw his head back and laughed so hard he clutched his stomach. “Oh, that hurts. You surprise me, Dahlia. I love that about you.”

I stilled, staring at him. He didn’t seem aware of what he’d said. So I smiled, but it was shaky.

“My image was very well deserved for a while.” His voice was dry.

“The image is what the fans expect, though. A portion of the truth.”

“Pretty much.” He wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me onto his chest. “We keep this up, and I’ll never find out if your guest bed is comfortable.”

“It is,” I assured him.

We didn’t get up. I traced small circles on his chest. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”

He shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. He tightened his arms around me. “I wish I’d ended my marriage then. After Olivia died. I wanted to. Hell, I never should’ve married her in the first place. But I have to think about what Mason needs. And now I have you and Abbi.”

I built up my courage and met his eyes. Sincerity shone from them, easing the panic that had been building in my chest. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes.”