Tangled Thoughts (2 page)

“So, Lainey, that means you have the privilege of starting our required awkward let's-get-to-know-each-other session. Name, rank, where you came from, all that good stuff. Go.”

The rest of the hour went better from there. It was actually fun. The opposite of awkward. And I think that was all because of Jack. When we'd gone all the way around the table, he said, “It's only fair I tell you mine, so, I did high school in San Francisco, college in New York, a year of work, and now I'm adding a stop on my tour of major cities here.”

“So what you're saying is, you get around?” the girl next to me said. My mouth dropped open, but most of the class laughed. I'd never have had the nerve to say something like that. I glanced at my neighbor and she grinned at me while at the front of the room Jack smiled like the devil.

“Exactly,” he said. “Was it Serena?”

“Yeah.”

“Excellent. Everyone, let that be your first lesson: don't be afraid to ask the hard questions.”

“So where do you like best?” someone else called out.

“Another excellent question. Believe it or not, I moved here probably the same day you guys did, so I can't tell you how Boston compares—yet—but confidentially I can say you're the best discussion group of my half of the class, and, also confidentially, you're lucky to have landed with
me
.”

We all laughed again, and I was sure he said that to each of his groups, but also that the last part was probably true. He even made the rest of the time discussing a few key points from lecture interesting. By the end, I was wishing we had discussion more than once a week. Serena, the girl next to me and also now my partner for the first of our million group projects, agreed.

Before leaving, she half whispered, “I think this just became my favorite class,” and I laughed.

“Maybe mine too.”

We were almost out the door when Jack called, “Latecomer! Hang on a second. If you don't mind.”

No, I didn't mind. I said goodbye to Serena and backtracked into the now-empty classroom where Jack was perched on the edge of the table. “Sorry again about being late, uh, Jack.”

He nodded somberly. “That's what I wanted to talk about.” I was starting to worry he'd been hiding his inner hard ass when his face broke into a smile. “I'm sorry for giving you a hard time. And for just doing it again. I'm still figuring this whole TA thing out, so I thought I'd better apologize. You're really tall, by the way.”

I laughed. With the way he was leaning on the desk, we were on eye-level. “I'm sorry. In addition to being on time, I'll try to slouch from now on.”

“Nah, definitely don't. It'll intimidate people. You want to cultivate that.”

“Okay.” I stood up a little straighter. He was smiling and casual, and I wasn't quite sure what to do, if I was dismissed or what. I wanted to keep talking to him just because. “I will. Any other suggestions?”

He surveyed me from head to toe, as if taking my measure or…but he couldn't be checking me out, right? With a keen nod of his head he said, “Yes. Go to lecture, but you already do that, I can tell.” He glanced up at the messy bun on top of my head. “And, also, wear your hair down.” After a pause he added, “It will cover the smudge of, is it pencil? Right here.”

And so lightly I wasn't sure he'd really done it, he touched a place on my jaw right below my ear.

Carter

I
was a fucking cliché.

I pulled the well-worn piece of paper from my pocket and unfolded it for an innumerable time. The words were fading and creased but it didn't matter; I could still read them.

I will love you always.

I didn't know why I bothered looking at it, since I could see an exact replica any time I wanted. All I had to do was close my eyes. I laid back on my couch and did just that while the note rested on my chest.

Everything was different in Washington. I was different.

I was alone.

It hit me during the four hundred mile drive to DC, after the rapid rearranging of my future Uncle Dan had accomplished in a matter of days. I was on my way to an apartment I'd never seen and couldn't afford but for the generosity of my uncle, in a city I'd never even visited, and I was alone. Uncle Jeff offered to drive with me, but Aunt Mel
needed him. This was a big change for all of us. Uncle Dan was in the city, but he was a busy man.

And then, waiting in my office cube like the light at the end of my stupid, sad tunnel, was Alexis Morrow. It was a surprise when I saw her, even though I knew she was interning for my uncle too. I hadn't known she'd be working with
me
.

She took one look at me and said, “Hey. Listen, I didn't really like her, you know that, but I'm sorry. That sucks, and I'm sorry.”

Of course she already knew. But something about the way she said it, the look on her face, made it one of the truest moments we'd ever had. It made me smile.

I said, “Well, you warned me.”

She smiled back, and that was it. “Yeah,” she said, “I did.”

I hadn't forgotten how beautiful she was either, but when faced with it directly, her beauty was a physical thing that knocked you over. Also: she looked like Lainey. Now her beauty was a punch to the heart. It crushed me, and I craved it.

It didn't take long. Lunches became nights out with the other interns became nights out together became nights in at my apartment.
I
kissed
her
. Unlike our first kiss, she didn't push me away.

Being with her was a strange mix of comforting and uncomfortable. She was something I knew, something from home, but different here. And different from what I'd grown used to. I shouldn't have been with her or anyone. But something about it being a broken promise made it even better. I could let myself do all sorts of things I wouldn't before.

Lex made life fun and school made life bearable. I wished I'd taken
more
classes, but I didn't want to push it. American had bent over backwards for me as it was.

Well, not entirely for me. For Uncle Dan. I knew he'd made a donation to compensate for my last minute switch. He'd made one to Harvard too.

Thinking about Harvard was forbidden, because thinking about Harvard led to thinking about Boston and everything there. Downtime was forbidden too. Work and classes were over for the day, and I'd already run plenty of miles that morning. I could run again, but that felt obsessive. When something felt obsessive to an obsessive you knew you were in trouble. I gave myself three more seconds to look at the note before I put it away and called Alexis.

“Hey, babe. You sound like you need to come over here.”

She always knew. “What are you up to?”

“Party. Wanna join me?”

She knew I did. Or really that I didn't, but I needed to. “Where?”

T
HE
Y
OUNG
S
OMETHINGS
-or-Other for Democracy were partying not far off Georgetown's campus, at the shared house of what had to be ten young politico dudes. Judging by the house, I'd have guessed they had more idealism than money, but once inside I saw the signs. Expensive electronics. Furniture that was decent, even leather. Tennis rackets—a sure giveaway. At least one of them had some bucks, which meant his parents probably did too. Now I understood why Alexis was here.

As I nursed my warming beer and watched guys and girls get drunk and try to hook up with one another, I wondered if I'd have enjoyed this—college, and everything that came with it—more if I'd gone right away. Which was a stupid thing to wonder.

Of course
I'd have enjoyed college more back then, when I was seventeen and an idiot. Back when hooking up was still my other hobby. Classes that made me think and, literally, thousands of girls I might find a way to sleep with? College would have been my nirvana.

This party was not helping me feel better. A hand appeared in front of my face, waving, and I blinked.

“What's up, man whore? I know what you're thinking.”

God fucking bless Lex. Her brown eyes lit with amusement as she blocked me into the little space I'd carved for myself against a wall. I pulled her right up against me. Her height, the curve of her hip where it touched mine, the length of her deep brown hair that tickled my neck—its familiarity always made me breathe a little deeper, even if it was a sensory memory of someone else. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. You're far more transparent than you think, bad boy. So, see anything you like out there?”

“I do now.”

She dragged me to a couch and sat on my lap, mercifully saving me from having to mingle on my own. While we lounged, new friends came and went, courting her favor. I couldn't decide if it was a shame or blessing Georgetown didn't have sororities. Alexis Morrow would have ruled them, but it wouldn't have made her better. As it was, the layers of bitchiness high school had polished to a gleam were slowly dulling and wearing away. I liked her better this way.

She swirled a finger around my fully warm drink. “You should actually, you know,
have
a beer.”

“No thanks.”

“Carter, seriously.”

“Have you ever tried to run with a hangover?”

“I've played entire field hockey games while still
drunk
!”

“That doesn't sound fun.”

She sighed dramatically, the way she always sighed, and shifted so we could see each other. “It wasn't. But I still scored two goals, and you know what
was
fun? The night before.”

“I'm having fun,” I lied.

“Liar.”

“I'm
trying
to have fun.”

She turned all the way around and leaned in, face right up to mine. “Babe, do you know how? To have fun?”

I kissed her. It was its own answer, and also because I didn't know how to answer. But I knew how to kiss.

“See?” I teased, as Lex disentangled her arms from around my neck and herself from around me. I brushed a lock of her hair over her cheek. “Having fun.”

Behind us, someone called, “Nice show, Lex,” and another girl whistled.

Lex muttered, “Douches,” but she was still smiling and I wasn't fooled. Exhibition was arguably her favorite pastime. “So you don't want to leave?” she said to me. “Now that we're ‘having fun'?”

I did. I'd a million times rather have hung out at my apartment instead. But the party had barely started and she
didn't
want to leave. She deserved for me to try. “No, I don't want to leave.”

“Liar.”

“I mean it. I don't. Because you don't.”

“You don't have to stay for me, babe.”

“I. Want. To.”

“Good.” She shifted, ready to get back into the fray. “I want you to, too. Now could you maybe
try
to mingle?”

When I heard myself saying the next words, I was ready to punch myself before I was even done. “Is there anyone here my age?”

She slid backwards off my lap, shaking her head. “You mean forty? No. I don't think so.” She stood and stretched her arms out, the hem of her sweater giving a sweet peek at the smooth skin underneath. When she saw me watching, she grinned and raised her arms higher. “Pretend you're at the bookstore, okay? Get people drinks or something. Flirt with some girls and talk about sports or whatever the hell with some guys. Just don't get in any trouble.”

“Right. No trouble. Get drinks.” I saluted her as she turned to disappear into the party.

“Just,” she said, “be yourself. But, like, a
relaxed
version of yourself.”

That, I thought, was the problem. I couldn't relax. Maybe I really
didn't
know how to have fun, not in a crowd of strangers. I used to think I knew myself well, but I hadn't known there was so much I
didn't
know. I hated feeling so anonymous, like nobody. Standing in the beer-scented kitchen of people I didn't know, pouring myself a drink I didn't really want, felt as far from who I thought I was as I could get.

But sometimes, when people had no idea who you were, they spoke freely.

From behind me, I heard my uncle's name. He wasn't being discreet about it either, this kid, pronouncing
Astor
like it was the punchline to a joke. Everything about him was familiar, though I'd never seen him before. I knew plenty like him from the Academy, with mouths too big and dicks too small, and trust funds large enough to make up for both. Typical Rex Madsens, the kinds of guys Alexis was
supposed
to date.

When he threw Lex's name into his conversation, I started paying attention. He knew her, obviously, and it sounded like he'd just suggested—

“Who the fuck are you, dude?” The kid was looking right at me, giving me a full up and down with more hostility than seemed necessary. He flicked his too-coiffed hair to the side with a quick snap of his head.

“Excuse me for a second,” I said to the girl standing behind me at the keg and handed her my untouched beer. She and her friend gave me plenty of space as they leaned their blonde heads together to
whisper. Everyone in at least a five person radius was suddenly quiet. I stepped toward the kid. “Were you just talking about Alexis Morrow?”

“What do you care?” He puffed out his sweater vest and I knew exactly where this conversation was headed. I was going to let it, too.

I wanted him to keep talking so I said: “I'm on staff with her.”

“Really. You work for that prick too?
That's
interesting.” His smug smile told me he thought he was hysterical. I gritted my teeth and shrugged. While giving me another once over, he said, “So, have
you
boned her yet?”

I shrugged again. “Not today.”

“Okay, tell us this—think it's worth sharing her mouth with every dick in the District?”