TAUT (36 page)

She blinks.

“Oh yeah, I’d keep your mom too. No worries. She’s the milk machine.” I hear some snickering from the bedroom door and Ashleigh is peeking her head out the door.

“Quit sneaking and come out here.”

“I’m naked.”

“So? I thought you likes the exhibitionist stuff?”

She gets over her shyness, or maybe she just wants to drive me crazy, because she steps out and walks over to us. “I heard that, you know,” she says taking a seat on the lounger next to me. She pulls her legs up and Kate immediately starts whining to go to her. I hand the baby over and she gives her the breast. “I guess she was hungry after all.”

“So do you?” I ask. She just stares at me. “Want to stay here?”

“I’m not sure you understand what you’re getting in to. I’m a single mom.”

“I’m a single guy.”

“I have Kate and—”

“And I want Kate, Ashleigh. I do. I want you both.”

She watches Kate nurse in silence for a few seconds and then turns to look out at the view. The back patio is not large, not by Colorado standards anyway. Our yard in Park Hill is ten times this big. But this place has an infinity pool with an unobstructed view.

“I’ll call in child-proofers, Ashleigh. We’ll get a cover for the pool, and fence that part of the hill off so she can’t get into trouble.” Holy shit, I don’t even know where that came from. I’ve never said the word child-proofers in my life.

“That’s not it, Ford.”

My phone buzzes in my shorts and I check the call real fast. Jason in Vail. Probably to tell me about Ash’s car. I press silent and go back to the conversation. “Then what?”

She shakes her head. “I’m a mess. Just a total mess.”

“You’re not a mess, Ashleigh. In fact, you’re coping better than most people would in your circumstances. Do you feel any better today?”

“I do,” she nods. “I do feel better. But I’m still so sad. Just picturing his face is enough to make me cry. Just all of it, the whole thing was just… traumatic. And I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna be happy if I’m moping around all the time thinking of the man I lost.” She looks up at me and shrugs. “I know I’d feel weird if the tables were turned.”

I think about this for a while and Ash leans back and closes her eyes. She is so beautiful. “I’m not jealous of him.” And as soon as the words come out I understand Ronin. It’s strange. It’s like this realization hits me out of nowhere. I’m not jealous of Tony because Tony isn’t a threat. Tony makes Ashleigh whole, but Tony is gone. And that’s not something that will ever change. Ronin must feel this way about me. I make Rook whole, but he knows her heart belongs to him. He wants me in her life to make her happy. Because he loves her.

“Tell me how you met.”

“Who?”

“You and Tony.”

“Why would you want to know that?”

“Because you love him and you miss him. And I’m sure you’re dying to tell anyone who will listen about all the things that made him so special. And I’d like to listen, Ashleigh. Because… because I want to make you happy. I want to know because he’s part of you and Kate, and I want you and Kate. I’m hooked. I can’t even imagine leaving you behind.”

She just stares at me.

“So tell me. Start from the beginning.”

She hugs baby Kate a little tighter, much to the dismay of the hungry infant, and then looks out over the valley. “I was fourteen years old. And he was sixteen. My father told me I had to join a sport when we finally settled in Rancho Santa Fe and I started going to a local school. So I joined basketball.”

I laugh.

“I know,” she says, smiling. “I’m five foot two.” And now she laughs. “But it was winter and it was either that or cheerleading. I took my chances with basketball. Anyway, we would travel to the other schools in the area for games and stuff, and Tony went to another school. Co-ed. Mine was all girls, remember?”

I nod. I have not gotten the image out of my mind and now I’m picturing her in a basketball uniform. But it’s probably inappropriate to say that when she’s telling me how she met her first love.

“I sat the bench for every game. The coach knew I was only on the team to please my father, so she never made me play. But every time we went to play against the girls at Trinity Day I’d see this guy. Total hotness, jock, already built like a man.”

“Tony.”

“Anthony Fenici.” She blushes at his name. A decade later and the simple act of saying this guy’s name is enough to make her blush. “That first game I was just minding my own business, warming my bench, and then the coach asked me to go out to her car and get her notebook. So I took her keys and went out to the parking lot, got the stuff, and I was walking back when I saw hot-assed Anthony Fenici making out with a girl against the building. And when I walked past, I was staring. I was young, I’d never kissed a boy, so I was sorta gawking at them. And then I noticed that Anthony Fenici was watching me gawk at him. Even as he stuck his tongue down this other girl’s throat. And then he winked at me.”

What a player.

“Anyway, I was hooked from that moment on. He tortured me that whole year at every game we played against Trinity Day by being around, making me notice him, acknowledging that I noticed him, and then promptly ignoring me. And when basketball season was over, I joined track in the spring, just so I could go to those away meets with Trinity. And the next year came, and I was in ninth grade, and I did it again. I joined basketball and track. Only now I’m getting a little better at b-ball, right? I had a year of practices under my belt, plus all that damn running in the spring gave me endurance. So I played a game or two that year. And every time I made a basket, which was not often, but every time that fucking Anthony Fenici would stand up and yell
Li Li scores
!”

Suddenly she’s crying. Her face is all red as she tries to stop, but can’t. “I’m sorry, Ford.”

I pull my lounge chair over to her and put my arm around her. “It’s OK, Ashleigh. You’re allowed to cry.”

She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “And he did that all season. And then in the spring, he was at the finish line every time I crossed. I did cross-country that year. But he never talked to me. Not once. He was just
there
, encouraging me. And that’s not something I got a lot of, ya know? I was not encouraged. My father never came to my games, he had no idea what I was doing in school. But Tony, he was
there
. He was always there. And the next year, I was in tenth grade and he was a senior. And this is when everything changed. Because he asked me to homecoming at Trinity Day.”

I smile as I picture her getting asked on that date. “Sounds like a perfect start to a perfect relationship.”

“Anthony Fenici is the son of a prominent man. Just like I am the daughter of another, equally prominent man.” She looks over at me with a sad smile. “Our fathers are business rivals.”

“Legal business?” I ask.

She shrugs her shoulders. “Mostly. My father runs an”—she does air quotes—“import-export business. Black-market drugs. Not like cocaine and heroin, more like non-FDA approved treatments. Hormones mostly, for doping, fertility, anti-aging. His business services hospitals in Mexico, Costa Rica, and others.”

“And Tony’s father?”

“Your basic Italian stuff.”

I laugh. “Straight Sicilian mafia?”

“Yeah.”

“So you two were a modern-day Romeo and Juliet?”

“No, he wanted out and I had no intention of ever doing anything remotely related to what my father does. My sister is in the business, she’s an accountant, which comes in handy, I hear. My educational trust came from my mother’s estate. It was not conditional, so I left, picked a major that would never be useful to my father and got on with life.”

“And Tony?”

She smiles up at me. “He joined the Marines. We did go to dances and he always showed up at my games when they were at Trinity Day, but we never
dated
in high school. Not like most kids do. We knew it was impossible, so instead of dating, we planned our future and talked on the phone and met up every once in a while for sports or a dance. He joined the Marines when I was in eleventh grade thinking he’d get out after two years and join me wherever I was going to school. But…” She looks up at me and tries to force a smile, but fails. “He liked it, Ford. He enjoyed the combat stuff. He told me he felt part of something real, something like a family. Something he never got from his home life. This was something I could relate to. I understood, so I thought the right thing to do was to encourage him. When his two-year Marine contract was up he applied for SEALs, he got in the BUD/S program and the whole time I told myself, he’ll never make it. They never make it. Almost everyone fails. But he didn’t fail, he wasn’t top of his class, but he was not bottom either. It wasn’t easy, he said, but he’d do it again in a heartbeat. And then before I knew it, he was over the hardest parts and that was that. He was
in
.”

She stops and lets out an I-give-up sigh. “What could I say? Nothing. I had to support him. This was his dream. He put himself through hell to achieve it. What could I do?”

This pause is much longer and I can only assume she’s thinking up all the ways she should’ve discouraged him. Maybe she’d have crushed his dream, but he’d still be alive.

“I was already in Japan by then, and we saw each other when he could make the trip. And two years later here I am. Alone.”

It takes me a few minutes to put all this information together and she pats Kate on the back, waiting patiently to see what I’ll say. “It’s pretty unconventional, Ashleigh. I’m not discounting how you feel about him, but that’s not exactly a dream relationship. When did you do all the fun stuff?”

“I know what you’re trying to say, and I’m not saying I disagree, I’m just telling you I love him and that’s how it happened.”

I nod. “Fair enough. But there’s more to life than that. Ash. There’s more to love than that. Maybe you don’t like me, and that’s cool. If you don’t I’ll totally understand. I’m not for everyone. But if you like me, Ashleigh, then hear me out.”

She closes her eyes as she continues to pat Kate on the back. “I do like you Ford. A lot. But I’m complicated.”

“I’m complicated too, shit. I’m like the King of Complicated.”

She laughs and then opens her eyes and looks at me. Sees me for the first time this morning. “I don’t know, Ford. I’m not sure what I’m doing right now. I’m just drifting. I’m completely unraveled, I’m nothing but slack. Everything about me is frayed at the moment. So, I’m not sure I’m ready for life just yet. I just don’t know. Maybe, Ford.”

All I hear is yes.
Yes, Ford
. God I love it when she says my name. “I can pull you taut, Ashleigh. Like the poems. I can bring you back together. You are so fucking delicious, Ashleigh. So fucking perfect. I wish I could take this pain away from you, really, I swear I feel your sadness and it makes me crazy. Do I ask for more information and risk the tears? Do I pretend it’s not happening and risk you feeling ignored? Tell me what to do.” The words surprise me as much as they do her and all I can do is shrug. “I don’t understand what you need, Ashleigh. And I feel like it’s my job to provide for you and I don’t know how to do that. If you know what you need, tell me.”

She snuggles her face down into Kate’s neck and I can hear her draw in a long breath, smelling the sweet scent of the baby’s skin. “I just don’t know, Ford. I feel like I’m stumbling along, waiting for something to happen.”

We sit like that for a few silent minutes. My head is spinning with all these revelations that have happened over the last twenty-four hours. Tony, Kate, her family. I reach over and take her hand. “Come here.”

“What?”

I pull on her arm, tugging her harshly. “Now, Ashleigh. Sit in front of me.” She thinks for a moment. “It’s not a request, Ashleigh. I want you here, between my legs.
Now
.”

Ash stands and then kneels on my lounger. I pull my knees up so I can box her in, and she leans back, her naked body pressing against my chest. Kate’s head is resting on Ash’s shoulder, her eyes trained on me. I smile at her and she gives me gums as her eyes twinkle. I have to hold back the urge to just squeeze her plump little cheeks because I’m trying to be serious.

“If you don’t know what you want, and you won’t tell me specifics, then I’ll tell you what I think you need. You’re mine now, Ashleigh. I’m claiming you. I’m claiming Kate too. If you want to be with me then I call the shots. And I’ve made my first decision.”

Ash turns her head a little to try and look at me but I clamp my knees against her waist and hold her tight so she can’t shift her position. Her whole chest expands and then it’s like she flips a switch and the tension melts away. She relaxes.

But that’s not a yes, so it’s not enough.

“I’d like to fuck you right now. I love that you’re outside naked. I love that you’re holding Kate like this. Oblivious to the world, just existing. Following my orders. I know you’re not submissive, Ashleigh. It’s why I didn’t fuck you until I made up my mind that I liked you. Because I knew we’d have to have this conversation. I’m a control freak. I like to call the shots. Most people don’t like that. Most people want to tell me to fuck off. You’re free to feel that way, you can tell me to fuck off. I’ll still take care of you until you figure out what you want. But if that’s your decision then this potential relationship is over and it won’t go any further.”

Silence.

“Thoughts?”

“Is this about sex or things like what to make for dinner?”

“It’s about what’s good for you.”

“How do you know what’s good for me?”

“I don’t, not yet. I hardly know you. I’m not perfect, I’ll make mistakes. But relationships aren’t something I normally do. I do sex. I do fucking. I do blow jobs, I do bondage, and I keep pets. I keep girls as pets, Ashleigh. I never get their names, I never ask them out on a date. They’re given a time and a place, they meet me or they don’t. If they don’t show up and I feel like fucking, there’s always another girl on the list.”

She blows out a long breath of air. “Holy shit, Ford.”