Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (35 page)

She didn’t know it, but with her words she’d shoved her fist straight into my chest and ripped my heart right from its cavity.

I knew both Raina and Kai could see the devastation on my face, but I just didn’t have it in me to hide it like I always did. They both listened in on my conversation and I knew they were both hurting for me. I had a feeling they caught the gist of what had gone down, but still, it killed.

It killed that her words affected me this way.

It killed that I couldn’t be everything she hoped and prayed for.

It killed that I couldn’t hide this pain from my brother and Raina, who was as close to a sister, as I was ever going to get.

It fucking killed.

Raina was the first to speak. “What are you going to do?”

I lifted my head. “What?”

“About Maddy?” She shrugged sympathetically. “What are you going to do?”

I shook my head, not quite following. “What about her?”

“She’s ready for more, right? That’s what you asked—if she was talking about sex?”

“Oh,” I nodded. “Yeah, she’s ready.”

“So, what are you doing to do?”

Kaiden leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I think she’s asking if you’re going to tell her before or after the deed is done.”

“Fuck,” I breathed again. What the hell was I going to do?

Ever since the beginning I’d been aware that we could get to this point in our relationship. That she would want more. That she would want me. I expected it even, and I’d had a plan. I’d planned to tell her everything before I let it get that far, but now when I look back; I realized just how stupid I really was.

You can’t plan for this.

A man can’t plan to tell the love of his life that within a few months, or maybe a year, or even a couple days—he could be gone. A man can’t plan to do this before sex with the woman he loves. I know this now. The intent had been a noble one. Really, it had. But it wasn’t realistic.

I didn’t want to tell her I was sick. If I did, I would always question whether she gave herself to me because she wanted to give herself to me, or because she was afraid of losing me before she had the chance.

I didn’t want to tell her I was sick. Because when she did give herself to me, I wanted her to let me love her like I was just an ordinary man making love to the one woman who made his days worth it all.

I didn’t want to tell her I was sick. I needed for her to keep looking up at me with those eyes of adoration, and wonder, and love. I didn’t want pity, and sadness, and hurt to shine through those warm chocolate eyes.

I just couldn’t tell her.

It was selfish. I knew it was selfish. And until this very moment, I had no idea how selfish I really was. But now I knew. I was the most selfish creature alive because I was going to make love to her tonight.

I was going to make this night everything that it could be. And telling her that I was sick had nothing to do with it.

Raina spoke again, interrupting my thoughts. “What do you need help with?”

I stiffened. “What do you mean?”

“I know you’re not planning to make this night the night you tell her. You still have August . . .” At her words, I crumbled. All the strength I’d been holding onto just fell out from under my feet and a sob broke loose. Raina wasted no time in moving across the living room. She lowered herself onto the arm of the chair and pulled me against her chest, holding me tightly. “It’s all going to be okay. Just tell me what you need to make this night special for both of you and I’ll do it.”

“I shouldn’t do this to her.”

“Stop thinking like that. You’re not doing anything to her.” She placed her hands on my face, tipping my head back until her eyes were pinned on mine. “She is so unbelievably in love with you. She might not know it now, but one day when she looks back,” her eyes welled with tears that streamed quickly down her cheeks. “When she looks back on this night with you, she’s not going to look back and see betrayal, Austin. She’s going to look back and see a man who gave her everything, because you’re going to do that tonight. You’re going to give her everything tonight—everything. You’re going to love her like she’s never been loved. And I promise you she’ll never be loved quite like this again.” Her voice cracked. “So don’t you dare think that you’re doing something wrong. Love is
never
wrong!”

By the time 6:00 pm rolled around that night, Raina was ready. Everything was perfect.

With the help of Kaiden and Raina, I’d gone all out. There were rose petals and candles and champagne and strawberries dipped in chocolate. It was the night Raina assured me was every girls dream come true. I thought it was a little overboard and somewhat cheesy, but Raina assured me that girls liked cheesy because with cheesy, it was always obvious that the effort was put in. A lot of effort had gone into tonight and I really hoped Madison loved it.

“Just don’t forget to light the candles, Austin,” Raina gave me serious eyes. “Before she gets here.”

“I won’t,” I held up my phone. “I have an alarm on my phone.”

“Don’t take the strawberries out of the fridge before you’re ready to eat them or the chocolate will melt.”

“Got it,” I grinned. She was hovering. “You guys need to go now.”

Kaiden nodded, stepping forward to give me a brotherly slap on the back. “Wear a condom, man.”

I frowned, “Not stupid, Kai.”

“Just sayin’ . . .” He wrapped his arm around Raina’s waist, pulling her to the door. “Give me a call if you need anything.”

“Got it,” I said again. “You two have a nice night.”

“Sure we will,” Kaiden saluted and Raina beamed a sad kind of smile at me as he guided her down the steps to his truck. She climbed inside and I watched as he rounded to the driver’s side, waved, and joined Raina in the cab. Then they were gone.

All I had to do now was wait for Madison. I leaned against the door and then I remembered the candles.

Austin met me at the door of his home at ten to seven. Being early had always been something both my parents had drilled into my mind, never failing to highlight the importance of such an attribute. So, I was always early.

Austin, being so attentive to the person I was, knew this about me. Therefore, he was at his door waiting for me at ten to seven.

He wore a small, but beautiful smile, that made the blue of his eyes appear deep and filled with emotion. Seeing that emotion after the way we left our conversation earlier frightened me. My heart fluttered and my stomach turned tight in response to my fear.

And then he spoke, “Hey, beautiful girl.”

I sensed no anger in his tone. Nothing to tell me that he was still upset by our phone conversation earlier. Instead, he sounded almost nervous. I knew that if I were a smart person, hearing the sound of his nerves would have made my nerves awaken too, but it didn’t.

“Hi Austin,” I stepped into the circle of his arms, knowing he’d opened them in a silent plea for me to enter, and I wanted nothing more. Wrapping my arms around his lean frame, I held him tightly. I whispered into his chest. “I was worried about us.”

“About us?” His arms stiffened around me. “Why?”

“You sounded really upset on the phone and then you just ended the conversation—kind of abruptly.”

“I wasn’t upset with you.” He said softly and I noticed that he didn’t say he wasn’t upset at all. He simply clarified that he hadn’t been upset with me.

“But you were upset?” I pressed.

He sighed. “I was.”

“Why?”

Pulling back, he gazed deeply into my eyes. His face was hard and his jaw was set. He didn’t want to talk about whatever it was that had upset him. But, I was worried. I wanted him to talk to me when there were things in his life that upset him. I wanted him to talk to me when there were things in his life he needed to talk through. Everyone had the need to talk to someone. I wanted to be Austin’s someone.

I wanted to be his heart and his day’s. I wanted to be his someone.

“Austin,” I spoke his name gently. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

“I do know that, Madison.” A big hand cupped my jaw before moving slowly to hold the nape of my neck beneath the thick strands of my hair. “But, tonight, I really just want us to be us.” He took my hand in his and pulled me gently behind him toward his bedroom. Oddly, the door was closed.

I followed behind him and as he opened the door to guide me inside, my breath caught. His room was transformed.

First, he’d pulled the black out curtains over the windows and not even a spec of sunlight seeped through the fabric. But that didn’t mean there was no light in his room. Candles were
everywhere.
Tee-lights were positioned, and lit, on every surface they could have possibly been placed and I knew this was a Raina thing. She’d helped Austin with this no doubt. But it was amazing.

Rose petals had been placed on the bed and over the floor. The room smelled like sweet rose and vanilla. There was a bottle of champagne on his nightstand with two glasses. It was a lot. Something someone might see in a movie. But it was perfect.

Austin was perfect.

I felt him suddenly, his hand around mine. He squeezed it. “What do you think?”

What did I think?
He’d most definitely been busy since our phone conversation when I told him I was ready to move things to the next level. Although I had said that I was ready, I didn’t exactly think that it would happen tonight. I thought maybe we would talk some more about it, and plan . . .

Did people plan to do it? I mean, was it normal to plan for sex?

“Madison?” Austin’s voice pulled my attention from the bedroom once again. I blinked once, twice—maybe if I just kept blinking this image would flutter from my mind. When it didn’t, I knew it was real. It was beautiful and terrifying and
real.
Tonight was going to be the night that everything changed for me.

Was I ready? Did one ever actually know if they were ready?

I loved Austin. I was in love with Austin. There was no doubt in my mind about this, but still, I was afraid of losing my innocence. I was afraid that it was going to hurt. I was afraid that once it was gone I wouldn’t feel like me anymore.

“Oh,” I looked around the space once again. “I think it’s—beautiful.”

He moved to stand behind me, pulling me into his arms. “I know it’s cheesy.”

“It’s not!” I argued instantly.

“It is,” he chuckled nervously. “But I wanted you to have everything for your first time. I’m not saying we need to do anything tonight, because we don’t. But you said you were ready and I want to give this to you. I want you to have the dream—even though the dream is a little corny.”

I turned in his arms to face him. “Will you stop saying this is corny,” I caught his face in my hands, stepping up onto my tiptoes to kiss him. “I love it, Austin.”

“Do you?”

I nodded. “I’ve always wanted my first time to be beautiful and romantic and memorable—this is that. This is definitely memorable,” I looked around the room again, smiling at the sight of the golden glow of flames dancing on the walls. “I’ll never forget this night.”

He lowered his face to mine, his lips to mine, and kissed me. “I want this night to live on with you, sweetheart. Forever . . .” He whispered through his kiss and I felt myself melt a little more. “I want to love you all night. And I want this night to be everything you’ve ever wanted. I want it to be a memory you’ll always cherish.”

“I love you.” I replied, because sometimes Austin said things that made me feel afraid. He spoke like a man who was wise beyond his years and expectant of the end. It frightened me. Tonight, I didn’t want to be frightened. Tonight, I wanted the boy—the man—and the hot with desire hand. Tonight, I wanted the Austin who lost himself in me and I wanted to lose myself in him.

Tonight, I didn’t want steady and thoughtful. I wanted hot and heavy and consuming. Tonight, I wanted to burn from the deepest confines of my soul. I wanted to ache and need like I’ve never ached or needed before. Tonight, I just want to lose myself in Austin Weir.