Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (31 page)

I’ve seen Kaiden hurt before. But never like this. He was consumed by a dangerous mix of rage and devastation I had no clue how to control or ease.

“You all right?” I moved closer to him, dropping myself into the chair across from him so I could keep a lock on his face.

He rubbed his chin as though in thought. “She’s actually mad at me.”

“Yeah, man,” I agreed. “She is.”

His lip curled and he pushed the almost ready bacon around the pan. “The thought of her with someone else . . .” He paused and his chest heaved. I had a feeling I knew what the thought of her with someone else did to him. Because thinking of Madison with someone else did the same thing to me.

“I know what you’re feeling.”

“No, you don’t!” He roared, the veins in his neck bulging in anger and hurt.

I didn’t even flinch. “I do, Kai. And you’re going to shut up and hear me out.” His eyes pinned on me, his jaw locked. “I know exactly how you’re feeling. I know because I feel sick at the thought of Madison being with another man.
It kills me.
”

“She’s with you,” he bit out. “You have her.”

“Not for long,” I replied matter of fact and he flinched—understanding finally claiming him.

“Austin,”

I raised my hand; stilling whatever bull he’d been about to spew. “It fills me with something like acid knowing that one day she’s going to look at another man the way she looks at me. Knowing that one day, she’s going to smile at him, flutter those sexy as hell eyes at him, and flirt with him. One day, another man is going to make her laugh—and it will be the laugh that belongs to me. One day, another man is going to kiss her, Kai.”

My voice cracked but I pushed on. “One day, a man is going to make her fall in love with him and she’s going to let herself—because before I go, I’m going to make sure she knows I want that for her. I want her to know love after me. I want her to feel the rush that comes with being touched. I want her to give someone her laugh, and her smile, and her flirting eyes. I want her to love because she deserves it—all of it—even if I can’t be the one who forever gives it to her.” I didn’t sever my eyes from my brothers. “So, believe me when I say I understand what you’re feeling at the thought of another man with Raina. I get it. What I don’t get is how you can have the chance to be that man, the one who is with her now and always, and you’re not taking it.”

“I don’t,” he dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know how.”

“Just do it,” I shrugged. “It’s not rocket science. You find a new girl every week, Kai. I’m sure you can get Raina to fall for your charms.”

“It’s different with Raina.” He shook his head. When he lifted his eyes to mine they were filled with a strange kind of pleading. “I lock up with Raina, Austin. I freeze.”

“Why?”

“Because she matters,” he growled. “She matters to me. I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than take the chance of losing her forever because I tried my hand at a romance that didn’t work. Because I will fuck up. It’s what I do, Austin.”

“You need to figure your shit out, Kai.” He was glaring at me now. “If you don’t, it’ll only be a matter of years before she brings some guy home for Christmas. You’ll be stuck sitting there watching her with him. Then another couple years after that, she’ll have his ring on her finger and another few after that, knowing Raina, she’ll have a baby or two. She’s always wanted that, Kai. She doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve. Well, she hasn’t until now, but I think my being with Madison is doing something to her. I think it’s showing her what she’s missing by holding off on a relationship—waiting for you.”

“She’s not waiting for me.”

“Keep telling yourself that, man. Keep telling yourself she doesn’t want you, and you don’t deserve her, and before you know it, you’ll be meeting her future husband.” I ran my hand through my hair. “Tell him ‘hi’ for me.”

Kaiden shot from his chair. “Don’t talk like that, Austin!” His eyes were misted. “Don’t say that crap!”

“I’m not dancing around it anymore.”

“Oh, really?” He sneered. I knew his emotions were getting the best of him. “Looks to me like you’re dancing around it a lot with Madison.”

I tensed, but he was right. “I have August.”

“You’re dancing.”

“I hope you don’t dance for long, Kai. The longer I dance, the longer I have her the way she is—looking at me the way she does,” I felt my heart cracking in my chest. “The longer you dance, the more chance you have of losing Raina. Still, man, it’s your call.”

“I don’t know how to love someone,” Kai said after a long beat of heavy silence.

“You know how. You’re just scared.”

“Don’t know how,” he argued.

“You already love her, Kai.” I said matter of fact. “All you gotta do is admit it to yourself.”

I watched Kaiden’s face alter from angry and hurt, to completely impassive. “They better get their asses back here or this crap’s going to get cold.”

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what it is about Austin that’s made him so very different than Kaiden, his older brother, but I cherish it.

I cherish Austin’s ability to love.

I cherish his ability to think quietly in observation.

I cherish his ability to appreciate . . .

Kaiden is afraid of the world. It’s so sad that he is because Austin sees the world as an opportunity to experience
everything
. Kaiden views the world so differently than his brother, and it breaks my heart.

Kaiden puts on this great big show, and really, he plays the act well. Because before Raina I never would have guessed he was even remotely capable of falling in love with another human being. Still, though, I have seen him with Raina and I know he is capable. He is so much more than capable—he already loves her. The damn brute just won’t admit it.

I can still see the tortured look in his eyes at the words Raina so carelessly threw at him. They were words I knew she regretted as soon as they were spoken, because the insanely strong girl cried as soon as she was out of eyesight of Kaiden and the camp. She sobbed almost like she’d lost someone she loved dearly. It hurt me for her.

Yet, even though I couldn’t forget the look in Kaiden’s eyes if I tried—the eyes with all their devastating emotion I really can’t banish from where they’d been burned in my mind, were Austin’s.

I don’t know how Raina’s words hurt him so deeply, like a knife embedded straight into his heart, but they did. They killed him.

Austin was looking at me in much the same way Kaiden stared with hurt at Raina. I just didn’t understand why. I would never threaten to be with another man—no matter how horribly Austin hurt me. I knew he loved me. I had no intention to hurt him the way I knew Raina intended to hurt Kaiden with her words. Still, though, they’d wounded Austin. And the way he looked at me, the words may as well have been spoken from my very lips.

I dropped my diary into my bag, shoving it deep beneath my clothing where no one (Austin in particular), would see it and be tempted to read my words. I knew Austin was curious about all the words I wrote, because I so very foolishly told him that I wrote about him. I mean, I would be the very same way if someone had told me they were writing about me. It was human nature. I swear, curiosity was simply a part of our genetic makeup.

Still, though, the words I wrote in my journal were my private words. They were my deepest most inner thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t ready to share them with him.

Maybe, in like twenty years, when we’ve been together for forever and we have two point five kids, or something. Maybe then I’ll feel comfortable with allowing him to step into my eighteen, almost nineteen, year old mind. Until then, I’m planning on keeping said thoughts and feelings to myself.

A tap on the tent pulled me from my thoughts and I heard Raina ask, “You ready to take a walk to the showers?”

She had no idea just how ready I was. Although we’d been washing daily in the lake with the homemade, nature friendly body wash and shampoo Raina’s mother made and sold in a small shop in town, I was dying for some warm water.

We’d been camping for three days and we had another four to go. The showers weren’t expensive or anything, but Raina said there wasn’t a point in showering every day when we had the lake so close. In all honesty, I agreed. I didn’t feel dirty. I just liked the pampering of warm water against my skin.

“Be out in a sec,” I tugged my shower bag over my shoulder and pulled a clean towel from my suitcase. Then I stepped from the tent.

Life in the camp had been oddly comfortable since Raina and Kaiden’s little spat. They acted friendly, like nothing had even happened. I knew it was because of their conversation the night of the fight. Austin and I had gone to bed and I’d been unable to sleep, so I’d lain in his arms snuggled tightly against him, listening to his heavy breathing.

Raina and Kaiden had been silent—until they weren’t. Their conversation wasn’t one I understood and I had been trying desperately to make sense of it.

Again, I played it in my mind.

Kaiden’s voice was low. “We need to cool whatever bullshit is happening between us, Raina.”

“Sure.” Her response sounded hurt and tense. I had a feeling they were avoiding going to bed because they had to go together. I supposed sharing a tent wasn’t the best of ideas.

“Austin asked for August,” Kaiden announced gruffly. This made absolutely no sense to me. “Do you think we can put this behind us until he’s had August? After August, when we’ve given him the one thing he wanted, we can deal with this, okay?” He paused and I had a feeling he was looking at Raina. “Can we please do this for him? Please, Raina?”

Her voice was filled with something that sounded like pain when she responded. “We can do that, Kai,” I could have sworn she was crying. “We can give him August.”

“Thank you.”

“I’d give anything for him, Kai,” She said. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“I know.”

The conversation was clear as crystal in my mind. I had been playing it over in my head for two days. I couldn’t bring myself to ask about it, but I couldn’t banish it from my thoughts either. It just didn’t make sense and there was something about it that chilled me to the bone. A sixth sense, maybe?

As soon as I stepped from the tent, I nearly walked right into Raina’s smiling face. I jumped and my hand landed over my heart. “I can’t wait for a shower.”

“Me either!” She rolled her eyes. “The boys, being boys, are in the lake.”

“I don’t mind the lake,” I replied honestly. “But damn, I sure do miss warm water.”

“This shower’s going to cost us a fortune,” she said. She waggled a roll of toonies before slapping it into my palm. “You’ve got fifty and I’ve got fifty.”