Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (40 page)

“I would have loved to watch you.” Again, she surprised me. Most people would say they were sorry. She said what she felt. What she thought. It was so much better than a half assed
sorry
that meant nothing to the person giving or receiving it.

“What’s the water lily for?” She asked, her fingers now moving over the soft pink, delicate water lily that had been branded on my left bicep.

“Uh,” I wasn’t really expecting to share this with her, but since she asked, I had no intention of lying. “My ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh.”

“Her name was Chloe,” I continued, even though she was looking at the tattoo like she wished she never asked. “She was my first girlfriend in high school. She left me when I got sick.” She gasped, her eyes burning into mine. “That’s why I got a lily for her. She was delicate and weak.”

“It’s a beautiful flower,” she mused thoughtfully.

“Water lilies are weak. They’re incapable of adapting to an environment outside of the one they belong. She was incapable of adapting with me. I don’t blame her. I still care for her and if I’m being honest, I’m happy she left. She’s happy now and so am I.” I announced, my voice softening. “But water lilies are weak. Dandelions are strong.”

Her eyes were on mine when she spoke, laughing painfully. “Dandelions are a weed.”

“They are a beautiful weed people make wishes on,” I grinned. “And they adapt to almost every environment—living through anything.”

“All right smooth talker,” she shook her head. She was grinning a real grin now. Almost laughing.

Mission almost complete.

“You’re a dandelion, sweetheart. My wish.”

She giggled. “I love you.”

Mission complete. “I love you too.”

Her fingers moved to the massive Siberian Tiger that claimed the lower left side of my ribcage, dipping down over my hipbone. “And this? What is this for? Or who is it for?”

“Kaiden,” I said somberly and her eyes flickered to mine at the seriousness in my tone. “He’s so strong. He’s the strongest person I know, but he’s also the loneliest.” Her frown deepened, but she continued listening in silence. “He hasn’t always been the way he is, you know. After I got sick, he changed. He started isolating himself from having relationships he couldn’t easily walk away from. Somewhere along the way, Kai lost his path. He forgot how to love. I know he’s just scared and I get it. But like the Siberian Tiger, who needs to walk their own path, he’ll find his way. Eventually, he’ll find himself.”

I paused, allowing myself to feel her fingers moving over the black, white, and gray shades that made up the big tiger that represented my big brother. And then I looked down when her finger traced the eyes. The eyes were the only color on the Tiger. They were a deep, vibrant blue—just like Kai’s eyes.

“Go on,” she encouraged gently, still tracing the images on my body.

“When he does finally find himself, like the Tiger, he’ll be an unstoppable force.” I paused in thought of Kai. “Powerful. Magnificent.” I touched the tiger with my own fingers. “I feel it in my heart, Kai will get there. He’ll be okay.”

“He will.” She agreed. “He just needs time.” She smiled and her eyes met mine sadly. “We will all need time, Austin.”

The mood changed. Sensing it, she moved her fingers back up over my body to the ebony wings that spanned the length of my back before coming up over my shoulders, and upward still over the left side of my neck. “What about this one. I’ve wondered about this one a lot since I’ve known you.”

“And you’ve never asked about it?”

She shook her head. “It’s beautiful,” I knew she was talking about the raw powerfulness that was the majestic crow on my back. It was an ebony bird that, through the breaks in the feathers of the wings, a heavenly blue shone. “But it’s also haunting, in a way.” She smiled. “I didn’t feel it was the time to ask, I suppose.”

“And now is the time?”

She nodded. “There is nothing worth waiting for now.”

I knew what she was saying. She didn’t know how long we had, so waiting was pointless. “You’re right about that.”

She smiled, but it was pained. I leaned up and kissed her gently before setting myself back against the pillows of her bed. “This tattoo is for me. It’s the first one I got—when I knew I was sick.”

“Something so big for your fist tattoo?”

“They’re addictive,” I winked playfully. “You get one, expect to want more.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She giggled before growing serious again. “Tell me about it.”

“I designed this tattoo because one day, I’m going to fly. The earthly wings He gave me will carry my soul high until they touch Heavens blue—and I’ll be graced then as I’m welcomed into His Heaven. Where I’m home,” I closed my eyes and said again. “One day I’m going to fly.”

There is something sweet about knowing that the one you love more than anything isn’t afraid of flying.

It’s been almost three weeks since I found out Austin was dying. Now, I knew what he was dying from. He has Lung Cancer. We haven’t yet gone into the nitty gritty details of exactly what that means, and although I’ve found myself typing exactly that into Google, I haven’t made it to the point of pressing search.

I don’t think I’m ready to know—yet. Eventually I’ll get there. Whether I’m ready or not. But my
eventually
hasn’t yet come to pass. I still have time. Austin still has time. And we’ve been making more from our time together than I ever imagined two people possibly could.

It’s the beginning of September, one of my most favorite months of the year. It’s still warm here in Alberta, but the leaves on the trees are changing color from their vibrant greens to warm bursts of yellow, orange, red and even burgundy. There are still pockets of green here and there, making the mass of trees surrounding Austin’s house a warm burst of nature.

The leaves have begun to change their color, but they’ve not yet fallen from their branches. The air is still warm and the sun is still strong. It’s when the sun falls that the fact that fall is near becomes reality. The nights are long and brisk.

I’ve always adored fall, and I’ve learned that Austin loves fall, as well. He loves watching the leaves change color from green to a thousand shades of warmth. He calls fall a little miracle on earth.

I know I haven’t known Austin for all that long, because in reality, just over two months is nothing in the realm of knowing another person. But every day I learn so much more. Every day, I feel myself falling in love with him a little more. Every day, he is stealing that extra piece of my heart. Every day, I let him.

I’m aware that he won’t be a miracle. I can see it in his eyes. Those beautiful heavenly blue eyes tell me he’s being called home. The call is stronger every single day that passes. I know in my soul that he will leave me here alone, on this earth, with only the warmth of his memories. But I have faith that they will, in fact, be warm memories.

I can’t say that I am ready to lose him, because no one can make themselves ready for that. No matter how long you’re given to prepare, there is never enough time to prepare for the loss of someone you love. Loss is forever. Loss, for the living, is eternity. Knowing that I have the rest of my life to live, and that Austin won’t be there, kills me. I won’t see his smile, or hear his laugh, or look into those blue eyes of promise and love. Knowing all that hurts me in a way that feels a little like death itself. I would never tell Austin this. Because the day that he passes will be the day that a little piece of my heart will die too. Austin will take it with him when he goes. I have no doubt about this. None at all.

Still, knowing this, I’m not ready.

Still, knowing this, I keep allowing myself to fall deeper in love with him.

I don’t know why I do this, but if I had to guess, I would have to say it’s because Austin made the importance of giving life my all so very prominent. If I kept myself from loving him with everything inside of me, I have no doubt I would regret that infraction on my soul. My soul was meant to know him and love him. Keeping myself from these things in fear of hurt would be like slapping Him in the face. God brought Austin to me and He is taking him away. I need to believe that He has a reason for all of this, because my earthly mind cannot accept anything more.

“What are you thinking about?” Arms squeezed my middle and I sighed, leaning my head back into the warm shoulder behind me. The night air was chilling on my cheeks as I stared out at the starry sky.

Austin was behind me in the chair, holding me tightly in his arms. We’d spent the night with his parents having dinner and now we were curled outside with hot chocolate and a big old blanket. We were snuggled cozily, and although we had been talking, about nothing at all, I’d fallen into the silence that accompanied thought.

I asked, “Are you afraid?”

He was silent for a long moment. He dipped his head into the nook of my neck and inhaled deep and long. I felt his face in my hair and his hold on me tightened. “I’m not afraid of dying.”

“Are you afraid of anything at all?”

“Losing the ones I love . . .” His voice was so very deep I felt the rumble of it in my bones. “I’m afraid to leave all of you here to live the rest of your lives when I’ll be soaking up an eternity of paradise in Heaven.”

I huffed. “You’re not being serious.”

He chuckled. “I am. That’s what I’m afraid of,” he paused. “For the most part.”

“For the most part?”

“We all live and we all die. It’s the way of life,” he kissed the back of my head. “What I’m afraid of most is losing the ability to touch you. I’m afraid of losing the ability to hold you and kiss you. I’m afraid of losing the body that allows me to assure you everything will be okay, the body that kisses my Mom when she gets emotional and works alongside my Dad at the shop. I’m afraid of losing the body that laughs with my brother.” He pulled me tighter against his chest. “But I’m not afraid of dying. I’m not afraid of losing the soul that powers my body, because I believe in the soul. I believe the marks we place on our soul, the ones we love and the memories we make—they’re what define us as humans. They are what we take when we go. I’ll still have you, and everyone else I love, in a way. My soul will carry you with me.”

I was so close to crying. I could feel the stinging salt of my grief and happiness at his belief revolving around life and death. It was these conversations that helped me accept all that was the pain of losing him.

“I’ll never stop loving you, Austin.”

I felt him smile against my hair. “When you love someone, and truly love them, you can’t stop loving them; at least not entirely. Once you give your heart, a piece of you will always belong to them. No matter what.”

“There is a really big piece of my heart that will always belong to you,” I whispered.

“You’ll love again, sweetheart.” He said and I could hear the hurt in his words. “You have so much to give never to love again.”

“But I wanted it to be you.”

“It was me.” He said sternly. “I was your first. But there will be another who will come and your soul will know. He will be your forever.”

“But I’m your forever.”

“You are,” he kissed me again. “You are all my days.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.” He replied huskily. “Until my last day and beyond, I love you.”