Tequila & Tea Bags (15 page)

‘Thanks,’ I snarl sarcastically, secretly loving her affection. I can think of only a handful of times in my life someone told me they were proud of me. And one time it was after a blow job, followed by a high five. ‘I doubt Will is though.’

I can't get the look on his face out of my mind. Every time I see his fallen confusion my stomach flips over and I feel queasy. The worst thing was that he didn’t say anything. Mrs Meller just told him she was leaving. I heard her go. I didn’t look up. I was too mortified.

When I eventually did look up he just stared at me, complete disappointment in his eyes. Then he left the room without uttering a single word. I wish he’d shouted or something. The silence was far worse. And knowing I’ve let him down makes me feel so evil. But I have a plan to take my mind off it.

‘Which is why you need to help me plan this outdoor cinema thing. It’s the only way I can redeem myself,’ I declare, nodding with determination.

If Will sees me selflessly doing something for the community he’ll have to see I’ve got a heart after all.

‘I thought you didn’t care what he thought?’ Her eyes light up, as if she’s just realised something. ‘You fancy him! I knew it!’ she shrieks with undeniable glee.

‘No, I don’t!’

She grins knowingly. ‘So where did you stay out to on Saturday then?’ she asks with a sly smile.

How does she know this? I thought I’d snuck in without her noticing. She can't be a nun; she’s got the natural reflexes found in a mother.

‘They were having a party,’ I shrug. ‘I passed out on the sofa.’ I pretend to inspect a finger nail.

‘Oh, purlease!’ she sneers. ‘Next you’ll be saying boys are yucky.’ She chuckles, spilling some wine onto her pink fleece pyjamas.

‘Oh, coming from you, desperate to join the nunnery. You can’t love dick if that’s how you feel.’

Her face contorts in disgust. Oops. Why did I have to be so mean?

‘Don’t be crass, Rose,’ she snaps, her eyes filling with some heavy emotion.

‘I’m right though.’ I can't help but press her. Something in her face tells me there’s a story somewhere. Anything to get her off the Will subject. I’m confused enough as it is, although I’m sure the poo thing means he never wants to see me again, let alone kiss me.

She ignores me, choosing to stroke Marbles instead. I can't help let curiosity taking hold.

‘What happened, Elsie? How did you suddenly decide to give it all up?’

She looks away, but I can tell she’s deciding whether to tell me or not. Please, Elsie, I beg inside. Confide in me.

‘There was a guy…’

‘I knew it!’ I laugh triumphantly. ‘It’s
always
over a guy. But don’t you think that’s a stupid reason to join a-‘

‘Let me finish,’ she interrupts, suddenly looking upset. She’s breathing heavier and not looking me in the eye.

What a drama queen. ‘Sorry, go on.’

‘Well…it was quite simple really.’ She takes a large gulp of wine. ‘He was the one.’

The
one?
How bloody dramatic. Someone’s seen The Notebook one too many times. No wonder she wants to join the nunnery if she’s expecting guys to act like Ryan Gosling.

‘And how did you know that?’ I ask sarcastically.

Her eyes become moist, making me realise what a heartless bitch I am.

‘Well…it’s a little embarrassing.’ Her cheeks start to flush red.

I roll my eyes. Is she serious? ‘Els, I just told you I pooed in a bucket. I’m pretty sure there are no boundaries between us anymore.’

She giggles loudly with a snort escaping at the end. It must run in the family.

‘Well…’ she begins. I make myself comfortable on the sofa, wishing I had popcorn. ‘He’s the only man to have ever…given me an…an orgasm.’

My mouth drops open. I don’t know if it’s because Elsie just said the
word
orgasm or because she’s had the same problem as me. Only she cured it. How the hell did she cure it?

‘No way?!’ I shout, a bit pissed off. ‘I can't get an orgasm no matter how hard I try.’

And I’ve been trying, let me tell you.

‘That’s how I knew,’ she nods, staring ahead into the fire. ‘I fell in love,’ she whispers with a sigh. ‘My mum used to say the women in our family were cursed by a witch. We can only orgasm when we’re in love.’

No way! It sounds stupid and far-fetched, but it would make sense.

‘Anyway, he didn’t want to be serious and go public, so we ended it. I knew if I couldn’t have him I didn’t want any other man for as long as I live.’

Wow. That’s some bloody declaration.

‘Jesus Christ, Elsie. He must be shit hot in bed!’ I gush, chuckling hard. I can still remember Will’s warm hands on me.

‘Lord’s name in vain!’ she abolishes, as if I’d just said
he
was shit hot in bed. ‘It wasn’t just that. We connected. I’m sure he felt it too, but he was scared.’

‘Scared of what?’

Was she a really full on girlfriend? I could imagine her clingy. Or is part of the curse that when we do orgasm we try to kill the guy afterwards? Like one of those weird insects.

‘Who knows?’ She smiles weakly, a delicate tear falling down her face.

‘Who was he?’ I have an overwhelming urge to pummel him in the face. Anyone around here must know what Elsie’s like. They clearly took advantage of her sweet nature.

‘No one.’ She wipes the tear away quickly and straightens up. ‘He’s no one to me anymore.’ Marbles shoots me an evil look, as if to say ‘see how you’ve upset her?’ ‘But maybe Will is your one. It’s worth a try, right?’ She looks hopeful.

I smile, trying to work out if I heard her right.

‘Sorry, Elsie, nun-to-be, but are you telling me to have sex with Will?’ I ask incredulously.

She locks her wide eyes with mine. ‘If it’s for love, Rose, I’d tell you to walk over fire.’

Whoever he is, he sure broke her heart. And when I find him I’m going to break his arm.

***

Wednesday 22
nd
October

Betty has not been to the lounge today so I head towards her room for a visit. She’ll make me feel better. Beth comes bounding round the corner just as I open the door.

‘Rose, Will wants to see you,’ she says.

My stomach sinks. ‘Okay,’ I squeak.

Oh God, he’s going to fire me. It took all of my courage to come in today, but it’s been a waste of time. Goodbye orgasm. Goodbye Mexico. I suppose you can't miss the things you never had.

I walk into Betty’s room anyway. I may as well get cheered up by her before, especially if I’m not allowed to see her again. The thought leaves me sadder than I would have thought. I’ve grown to love her like a Grandma I never had. We’re alike in so many ways.

She’s in bed again and looks like she’s just woken up, her hair knotted and her face free of make-up.

‘Hello, lazy bones,’ I grin, forcing myself to sound cheery.

I wish I could get under those covers and never resurface.

‘When you get to my age there’s not much to be awake for,’ she says, smiling weakly.

The smile drops from my face. God, what a terrible way to think. Someone’s having a down day. I suppose I’m not the only one with problems.

‘You look troubled, love,’ she says, narrowing her brown eyes on me. ‘What’s on your mind?’

Bless her; worrying about me. I sigh and throw my head down on the bed. ‘I’ve fucked it all up, Betty,’ I whinge.

‘Language, sweet heart,’ she berates calmly.

I raise my head to look at her sweet, compassionate face.

‘Sorry,’ I sulk, biting down on my lower lip.

‘Now tell me what you’ve done to make yourself so pale. Get my blusher. It’s in my bag.’ Bossy as ever, I see.

I grab her bag and let her apply so much blusher to my cheeks that I look like I’ve run a marathon and am about to keel over from a heart attack. I tell her everything, the whole shebang. When I’m finished I realise she started caressing my hair, as if I were a cat.

God, I love her. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt looked after like this. My grandparents are dead and my mum never really liked me. She and my dad are GP’s, so they work all hours, and at the end of the day I almost seemed like an inconvenience for them. They just wanted to crash on the sofa and I was there asking what’s for dinner.

‘Oh, Rose. You do make me giggle, my love.’ She smiles compassionately at me. ‘But it’s hardly the end of the world.’

‘That’s easy for you to say. I’m about to get fired,’ I say sadly.

Her face turns mischievous. ‘I thought you and Will had a cheeky kiss?’ She winks with a cheeky grin.

‘Yeah. So?’ I shrug. ‘That doesn’t mean he’s in love with me. He’s hardly going to just let this go.’

I shit in a bucket for God’s sakes.

‘You never know. Life’s too short for grudges,’ she smiles. I can always count on her to take my side. But I doubt she’d be saying this if we were talking about Peggy. She must be delirious with exhaustion, bless her. I overheard Ethel telling Billy that they snuck down to watch a film last night. Little rebels.

I look toward the door and think of the wrath waiting for me. Goodbye Mexico. I haven’t wanted to admit it to myself, but I guess while Will and I were doing…well, whatever it was we’ve been doing, the possibility of not getting to Mexico didn’t seem all that bad. Something about being promised an earth shattering orgasm. But now I’ll have no Will, no Mexico, and soon no Betty. Great.

Oh well, no point delaying the agony.

‘Anyways, I better go face the music.’ I kiss her goodbye on her powdery soft cheek, inhaling her sweet talcum powdery smell, and close the door quietly behind me.

I take a steady deep breath. Come on, Rose. You can do this. You can face him. So what if he looks at you with more disgust than someone looking at a crocodile that’s eating a hippo? So what? Why do I even care what he thinks?
Because he’s gorgeous and you fancy the pants off him.
I wish that inside voice would shut up. She’s such a slut.

I walk down the corridor, desperately trying to get a hold of myself. I feel like I’m about to meet the headmaster.
We think your black lipstick is breaking the uniform rules, Rose.
God forbid I go through a Goth phase. The truth is black lipstick suits me. I have no idea why. It just does
.
And I liked not conforming. I didn’t grow my boobs until I was eighteen, so I had to be noticed some way.

I take another steadying breath and knock gently on the door. I know better than to storm in. I don’t want to piss him off the minute he sees me.

‘Come in,’ his calm voice calls.

My legs tremble with fear. Shit, I’m nervous.

I force myself in and find him sitting at his desk, paperwork stacked up on either side of him. He’s writing something down or maybe he’s just pretending to write something down to look busy. I stand up against the wall, the furthest away I can get from him. I feel chilly, but it’s more to do with his reception than the temperature. My nipples are completely unaffected.

He finally looks up, a blank expression on his face. I swallow, my mouth dry. It could really go either way right now. Then the edges of his lips start twitching. I’m not sure what’s happening at first. Is he having a stroke? Should I call someone? Then, before I have time to question it, he’s laughing. His eyes are creased and he’s laughing his arse off, clutching at his sides, as if it’s causing him physical pain.

I stand back, my mouth gaping open. I’m massively offended. How dare he laugh at me?! Am I really that bloody comical? But then I realise he’s not pointing a finger and calling me a dickhead. He’s laughing about the whole situation. This awful, humiliating situation. He’s laughing
with
me.

A smile tugs on my lips, but I try to fight it. This isn’t funny. Only the more I look at him, laughing with that adorable dimple on his left cheek popping up, the more I can't help it. I laugh, exploding into it suddenly, unable to control my body any longer. That only makes him laugh more, his chuckles getting deeper, as his eyes start to water.

I’m laughing so hard now I can't look at him. Every time I do he creases me over in a fresh dose of the giggles. My eyes are watering now too and I feel like I could pee. Muscles I didn’t even know existed in my stomach are aching like I’ve done a million sit ups.

I fight against the hysteria, concentrating on slowing my breathing down long enough so I can talk.

‘Why are you even laughing?’ I force out.

‘I’m sorry, Rose,’ he says in between laughs, still clutching his sides and trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. ‘It’s just so outrageous. I mean, how do you even get yourself in this shit?’ He smiles at me with affection.

‘In this
shit
?’ I giggle, smiling playfully.

He collapses over again. ‘Honestly, you kill me!’

Well this is going better than expected.

‘So…you aren’t going to fire me?’ I ask tentatively.

‘Fire you?’ he repeats, his face turning sober, before breaking into another beautiful smile. ‘I don’t think so. You’re volunteering, for starters. That, and I’m pretty sure you’ve learned your lesson.’

My cheeks pink up at the reminder. I’ll never get over this humiliation. I look down, avoiding his face. Anything but that dimple. I want to bite it.
So hard.

‘I have.’ I nod, feeling utterly pitiable.  

‘Then you can get back to work. Unless…’  I look up to see his eyes light up in excitement, but he seems unsure about whether he should finish the sentence.

‘Unless what?’ My voice shows how eager I am. Damn. I was going for unbothered.

‘Unless you want to blow…no, don’t worry.’ He looks down, his cheeks blushing. Will blushes?

Blow? Is he…asking for a
blow job?
What’s going on here? I thought he didn’t want me to touch Big Willy?

‘You’re asking me for…a
blow job?’
I blurt out before I can stop myself. ‘Is that why you’ve let me off with this? You think I’m going to blow you?’ I ask, outraged.

What a bloody arsehole! Not that I’m not a little turned on at the thought. Quiet down, Lulu. It’s just that if he thinks he can do me favours here in exchange for sexual favours, he has another thing coming. I have some standards. And there he was with that whole speech about keeping it professional at work. What a joker.

He looks back at me, his forehead creased and his mouth agape. That silenced him.

‘Well, maybe if we were in a social situation and maybe if I wanted to, it’d be different,’ I blabber, his silence unnerving me. ‘Or if you’d have asked nicer. But, I mean, that’s just rude.’ I laugh to show how offended I am.

‘Rose!’ he shouts, putting his hands up to his ears. ‘I wasn’t asking for a blow job! Jesus!’ He seems genuinely mortified.

‘Well then, what were you asking?’ I’m so confused. What else would he want me to blow?

‘I was asking if you wanted to blow off the rest of the day and go for a drink? But don’t worry.’ He folds his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair, clearly having changed his mind about being anywhere near me.

‘No! I mean…a drink? I could do with a drink.’

***

Three hours later I’m drunk. And I think I’m in love with Will. Well, not real Will. Fantasy fun Will that I’ve met today and over the weekend. He is so funny and adorable. And sexy and stubborn. I can't stop looking at his chest, knowing I was lucky enough to be pressed against it only a few days ago. It’s so broad and muscular. I just want to drag my nails all over it and then soothe his pink skin with my tongue.

I’m not even
that
drunk! But Will seems to be keeping up with me, even though he’s only on bottles of beer and I’m on vodka, lime and soda.

‘You’re cute when you pout,’ I blurt out before I can stop myself.

He straightens up in is chair and pouts dramatically. ‘Don’t you think I’m cute all of the time?’ He grins, showing off his perfect teeth. He must have worn braces. It’d be unfair to think they were naturally that straight.

‘No, actually,’ I say as I lean in close to him. We’re sitting on the same side of the pub table so there’s nothing between us. I can smell his aftershave. I’m not sure if I’m happy with him covering up his natural scent of soap and mint. ‘Most of the time you’re a pompous arse.’ I smile, pleased at his stunned face.

‘Gee, thanks,’ he smiles, the hint of a blush on his cheeks. He takes another swig of beer.

A flash of red hair catches my eye and I realise Riley has arrived and is sitting next to him. Too fucking close. She’s almost on his lap, her hands resting on his thigh. Little whore. I know we’re supposed to be friends now, but if Will is going to be mine I have a feeling I’m going to be quite possessive. It’s him filling me with all of this romantic nonsense.

‘Rose, I’m so sorry,’ she says, distressed. She runs her hand through her hair, her eyes sympathetic. ‘I assume by the drinks that you’ve seen the posters?’

‘Huh?’ I slur.

What the hell is she talking about? I look to Will, but he looks just as confused as me.

I try to think through the vodka. Wait, did Elsie go ahead and get the posters of the outdoor cinema printed without me? It sounds like something she’d do. Damn busy body.

I open my mouth to respond, but she puts down an A4 poster to silence me. I know straight away it’s not the pink themed template we chose over red wine. It’s me. With my tits out.

Oh. My. God.

I slam my hand down to cover my nipples, sickened that Will’s seen them. My head starts spinning and I know it’s nothing to do with the vodka. Will’s mouth gapes open in horror. Above my picture is written ‘
Would you trust this girl with your elderly care?’

‘Oh my God,’ I mumble, my voice barely audible. I start hyperventilating, my breath unable to fill my lungs in time. I feel light headed and woozy.

‘Where the hell did you get this?’ Will demands, slamming his own hand down to cover the rest of my dignity.

I’m still reeling in shock. He’s going to hate me. Everyone’s seen my tits before him! He was trying to make me special, but I out-slutted myself yet again.

‘They’re all over the village,’ Riley says, scrunching her face up apologetically. She genuinely looks sorry for me.

I look closer at the picture, trying to work out if it’s old or new. I see that I’m wearing the same clothes as the other night when I went out with Elsie and Riley.

‘I’m so sorry, Rose. I thought when you walked off with Gerry you were just getting lucky.’ She cringes for me.

‘Huh?’

I don’t remember any of this. It must have been when I blacked out. Who the hell is Gerry? Surely I’d remember a guy photographing my tits? But then I do look pretty wasted. And why is she bringing up that I willingly went off with this guy in front of Will? I look so slutty.

‘That bastard Gerry’s gonna pay for this!’ Will shouts, banging his fist down hard again on the table.