Tequila & Tea Bags (29 page)

Mitsy – Liver Chesnut with Flaxen mane and tail, 16hh

5* home only for this special horse, home more important than price. 

Mitsy the horse. Born and bred in the village. Needs an owner with the time to look after.

It’s like someone’s taken a brick to my heart. I gasp for a breath, but it’s like my lungs are being squeezed. He’s getting rid of Mitsy?
My
Mitsy? Why the fuck would he do that? He made a promise to his mum. How could he do that? To her and to me? I suppose he doesn’t know I’m still looking after her, but still. Without her I’ll have nothing left to stay here for. Well, apart from Elsie.

I go into her stables, undress her from her pyjamas, and lead her out into the field. I look at her brown coat and her beautiful blonde hair. I’ve already lost Betty. I’m not about to lose her too. I know in that instant that I can't leave her. I’m not going to Mexico. I’ll sell the house and buy Mitsy. It’s a sign. I belong to her. I’m meant to stay. I think I’ve known that all along, deep down.

A strange sense of peace and satisfaction comes over me the minute I realise it. This is where I’m supposed to be. This is my home.

‘Can you believe he’s selling you, Mitsy?’ I say to her. ‘What an arsehole. And after his mum begged him not to sell you. I can't believe he’s just gone and done it.’

Footsteps crunch the leaves behind me. I know it’s him before I turn around.

‘Actually, I haven’t just gone and done it.’

I whip round to face him, looking ferocious and sexy, dressed in black jeans and a navy quilted coat. Whoops.

‘Will!’ I shrill. ‘What are you doing here?’ My voice is as jumpy and uneven as I feel.

He raises his eyebrows. ‘Me? What are
you
doing here?’ he demands, a hand on his hip like a diva.

‘I’m just looking after Mitsy.’ I look away, embarrassed at being caught.

‘You don’t have to worry,’ he snarls at me. ‘Mrs Fenham’s been looking after her for me since your accident.’ I can feel the venom in his voice.

I keep my eyes downwards, so he can’t tell I forced her to say that. I can already feel my cheeks reddening, betraying me.

‘Unless…’  He steps closer, invading my space. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. God, I miss him. His touch is like electricity through me. ‘Have you…no….’ He narrows his eyes at me. ‘Have you been looking after her too?’

He keeps hold of my chin so I can't look away. Looking into his eyes I know I can't lie.

‘Try instead of,’ I mumble.

He takes a sharp intake of breath. ‘But then, why would she say that?’ He nods, as if he now understands, his hand going to cup my cheek. ‘You told her to tell me that.’ I nod. ‘What, were you worried I’d stop you?’ he asks, his green eyes boring into my soul.

I scoff, pulling his warm hand away. ‘The last time we spoke we were hardly friendly.’

There’s a long awkward silence. I stroke Mitsy, trying to pretend he isn’t here. Trying to ignore my heart being crushed as if it was the very first time.

‘I thought long and hard about keeping her.’ He strokes her mane affectionately, our fingers touching for a second. It sends tingles up my arm. ‘But there’s going to be no one left to care for her after I’m gone. It's not fair on her.’

I give him a hard look. ‘What’s not
fair
on Mitsy is palming her off on someone you know nothing about,’ I practically spit.

His green eyes flash a quick look of hatred. ‘Actually, I fully intend to find out about her new owner,’ he snarls back.

When did he start to truly hate me? When he found out about James? When he realised I was using the care home for a holiday? Or when I put Betty’s house up for sale. So many unforgiveable things, but I still crave his forgiveness. I’m selfish like that.

I suddenly replay his last statement in my head.
When he’s gone?
He said
he
, right? Not when
I’m
gone.

‘Wait. Did you just say when you’re gone? Where are you going?’

He looks down at the floor, kicking some dirt, unable to meet my eyes.

‘I’m leaving, Rose. I’m moving back to Leeds.’

‘You’re what?’ I ask, the breath leaving my body. I stand motionless, blinking rapidly, my brain spinning.

‘I’ve got a new job.’ He looks at me briefly, before going back down to the floor. ‘I’m starting Monday. I leave this weekend.’

He’s leaving? He won't be here anymore? What the hell is the village going to be like without him? I swallow, trying to force the lump in my throat down. It only makes me feel more suffocated.

How can he leave me? And how can this be how I found out? Didn’t I at least deserve to be told rather than find out like this? A surge of red hot hatred courses through my veins.

‘And
THIS
is how I find out?’ I stare at him, my eyes hard, my heart turned to ice.

He shrugs, glancing up at me. ‘You weren’t talking to me, Rose. I hardly thought you cared.’

‘You weren’t talking to me first!’ I retort, like a pathetic child. He looks remorseful and it’s enough for me to soften slightly. ‘What job is it?’

‘An accountant.’

WHAT? He’s leaving me behind to go and be a bloody accountant?

‘Accountant?’ I shout. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. ‘Why on earth would you go back to that boring job?’ I ask in a calmer voice.

‘Because it's time I grew up, Rose,’ he barks sharply. ‘What am I going to do? Work at the care home forever?’

‘Yeah, if it makes you happy!’ I shout frankly.

He sighs heavily. ‘I have to grow up, Rose. We all do. It's time to move on.’

He groans, running his hands down his face. I realise he looks bone tired, like he hasn’t slept in days. Not that he doesn’t look good. He does, of course he still does.

But wait? Did he
ever
plan on telling me?

‘So… If I hadn’t been with Mitsy right now, would you have even told me you were leaving?’ I feel the sudden prick of tears behind my eyes. Do not cry. Do NOT cry.

He digs his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor. I glare at him until he feels my eyes on him. He looks up at me, his eyes blazing with so much unsaid.

‘What, Rose?’ he sighs, defeated. He locks his pale green eyes with me in question. ‘Are you going to say something that’s going to stop me from leaving?’

Shit, now he has me. I look into his eyes, now cloudy with some emotion I can't read. What the hell could I say that would make him stay? I can't think of anything that wouldn’t freak him the fuck out.

‘That’s what I thought,’ he nods, his green eyes burning. ‘So this is our goodbye.’

A bolt of fear goes through me. He’s going. I’m really losing him for good.

I fling myself against his chest before I have a chance to talk myself out of it. I wrap my arms around his waist, trying to ingrain the memory into my mind. How he smells, how he feels. He wraps one arm around my waist and the other cradles the back of my head, as if confirming this is okay.

I feel the emotion brewing in my throat. I’m going to cry. Wail like a proper pathetic girl. It’s bringing it all back; what it’s like to be with him. The tingling sensation on my skins as he caresses me, the sweet taste of his kisses, his smell. I push away before I can make it any more painful for me. It’s just delaying the inevitable.

‘I should go,’ he says regretfully. He runs his hand through his hair. ‘Riley will be waiting for me.’

WHAT?!

‘Riley? Why? Why would…?’ I can barely get the words out. It’s as if I’m being strangled. Strangled by his betrayal. His constant fucking betrayal with Riley.

‘She’s helping me pack. I’m staying with her aunt while I look for a place.’ He avoids my pained eyes the entire time.

A raged frenzy fills my body. I give him the hardest look I can muster, so hard he’s forced to look up, but I can't show it in a look. I want to wrap my arms round his neck and strangle him.

‘Riley? You’re going to live with Riley!’ I’m shouting, but it’s hard to hide the hurt from my voice. I sound like a scared, vulnerable little girl.

He sighs heavily, the sigh that tries to tell me I’m overreacting. ‘Not live with her. Just staying with her aunt while I find a place. Why do you care anyway?’

Is he that fucking stupid? Can he seriously not see how Riley wants him? How he’s playing right into her greedy, evil little hands. How this hurts me so deeply I’m surprised I’m not actually bleeding from my chest. But I can't say that. I’ve already let myself look too weak in front of him.

‘I just don’t want her changing you,’ I say defensively, crossing my arms over my chest, hoping the pain lessons.

He grabs hold of my arms and tips my chin up, so I’m forced to look at him again. I hold my breath. He gazes at me, his eyes probing with intensity. There’s no chance of me looking away. My body starts to tremble.

‘One more chance.’ He unleashes the full devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial. ‘Is there something you need to say to keep me here?’ he asks earnestly.

He’s suffered so much pain in his life. His mum dying at such a young age and now me coming into his life and fucking everything up. I can't promise him anything. Hell, I can barely look after myself, let alone him. The last thing I want to do is promise him something and then hurt him beyond all repair. Again. That I could never forgive myself for.

I shake my head. ‘No.’

‘That’s what I thought.’ He picks up his bag and walks away from me forever.

Saturday 29
th
November

He’s leaving today. I’ve managed to avoid him since we last talked. What I haven’t managed to avoid is the whole village mourning him going. Anyone would think he was a war hero the way everyone goes on about him. Everywhere I go there are people talking about how much they’re going to miss him. How much of a great guy he is. How great he smells. Okay, so maybe that last bit was just me.

‘So when’s he leaving?’ Elsie asks, as she hands me over a tea.

Who knew I’d learn to love tea so much? I’m drinking it so much lately. It’s the only thing I can seem to keep down. But it’s just another thing to remind me of him.

‘I don’t know,’ I shrug, trying to act unbothered, when it’s obvious she can now read me like a book, or a bible in her case.

I still can't believe how close we’ve grown over this short time of knowing each other. She feels more like a sister than a cousin.

A knock at the door shakes me out of my daydream. It was a nice place there. Happy and innocent, back to when Will thought I was a decent person.

I look over to Elsie who takes a gulp of tea and opens a magazine, clearly pretending she hasn’t heard it. She keeps telling me I need to try and carry on as usual. Like that’s even an option.

I drag myself up off the sofa and swing the door open. I jolt when I see its James. What on earth is he doing here? He looks as gorgeous as ever, dressed in a red and black flannel shirt, with black jeans and converse.

‘Oh…hey,’ I smile, hopping from one foot to the other awkwardly. I haven’t seen him since my head injury.

I should be mad at him. This guy is the reason Will and I broke up. He’s the reason he turned back that night, getting the wrong idea about us. And he broke Elsie’s heart. But I just can't hate him. He’s too loveable and he looked after me when I was in pain.  

‘Hey, Rose,’ he says quietly, not his usual confident self. He leans into the door, slightly looking at Elsie. ‘Hey, Els.’

Ah, so that’s why he’s here! She looks up long enough to give him a false cutting smile before looking back at her magazine, although I have no doubt she’s not actually reading it.

‘So, anyway,’ he shakes his head, as if trying to gather his thoughts. ‘I just wanted to come and check you were okay after the whole head thing.’

‘It’s fine,’ I shrug. ‘It was just an accident. You really didn’t do anything wrong.’

‘HA!’ Elsie shouts cruelly from behind me.

I look over but she’s back to pretending to read a magazine. Subtle Elsie,
real
subtle.

‘Still,’ he shrugs, leaning against the door frame casually and crossing his arms. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Apology accepted.’

He smiles, but doesn’t go to leave. I grab the edge of the door not so subtly. Why is he still here?

‘And I just wanted to invite you both to my birthday party tonight. It’s at the pub. Seven thirty.’

I look to Elsie who just stands up and walks into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her. I imagine Phil’s reaction to me turning up. Angry, bald tomato man doesn’t look good on anyone.

‘Thanks, but I seriously doubt Phil would want to see me.’

I’ve just ruined his life.

He grins. ‘He would. I’ve already asked his permission.’

‘Really?’ I ask hopefully.

He must have this wrong.  

‘Yep. Says since you stopped the village feud he’s decided you’re not pure evil.’

I don’t understand. Surely there was a massive fallout after Megan found out. She
must
have confronted him, right?

‘Gee, thanks.’ I roll my eyes for good measure. ‘But will your brother be there?’

‘So what?’

I shrug non-committedly.

He leans further into the house. ‘Can I…can I talk to Elsie?’ he asks nervously, as if I’m going to attack him.

‘If she’ll listen,’ I laugh, rolling my eyes again. ‘Good luck with that.’

‘She’s always been stubborn,’ he smiles fondly. It gives me an insight into what their relationship must have been like.

‘But,’ I warn sternly, ‘you upset her and I’ll put your balls through a mincer.’

His eyes widen in horror. ‘Understood,’ he nods with a cheeky grin.

He walks past the sofa and into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him.

I sit down on the sofa, straining my neck, desperate to hear some of their conversation.

‘What the HELL are you doing here?’ Elsie shrieks. I’ve never heard her so pissed off. It’s actually scary.

‘I already told you,’ he says calmly. ‘I’m inviting you both…’

‘Don’t bullshit, James,’ she interrupts. ‘Why are you here, in this kitchen, trying to talk to me?’

God, she’s harsh, but I suppose he deserves it. I can't imagine how broken she must have been to consider becoming a nun.

‘I’m sorry, babe.’ I hear his feet scuffle closer, the floor board creaking underneath him.

‘Don’t
BABE
me!’ she roars. ‘I’m not fucking interested, James. I know we broke up and you can do whatever the fuck you want, but my cousin? Sleeping with my cousin? Was it just to hurt me, or was that just a bonus?’ The hurt is obvious in her voice.

I still can't believe I unwittingly did that to her.

‘I wasn’t trying to hurt you, okay!’ he shouts back. ‘I was just trying to forget you.’

There’s a pause and I wonder what their facial expressions look like.

‘Fuck, since we’ve split all I’ve been trying to do is forget you, but it doesn’t matter how many people I sleep with I
STILL
can't forget.’

There’s an eerie silence and I know Elsie must be shocked by his admission. I bloody am.

‘Well, soon I’ll be off to a ministry so you can forget me for good.’ She doesn’t even sound like she’s convinced herself.

‘Don’t go, Els,’ he says softly. ‘It’s bullshit!’

‘I need to!’ she shrieks, a small sob escaping. ‘I can't bear being in the same village as you anymore.’

‘You’re acting like I broke things off. It was you, Els. You broke my heart.’

Huh? Broke
his
heart? I thought he didn’t want to commit to her? Did she overreact?

‘I thought you didn’t
have
a heart,’ she snaps. ‘That’s what you said, wasn’t it? You weren’t sure if you had a heart left to love anyone. Well, I can't just wait around with my legs open until you decide I’m worth your time.’

Wowzas.

‘You were always worth my time!’ he shouts aggressively. ‘All I was asking for was some fucking time! And you just upped and left me, proving to me that all women leave me in the end.’

He must be talking about his mum. It’s clearly fucked him up.

There’s silence and I know it’s because Elsie has no idea what to say. That’s some fucking speech James. I’m impressed.

‘You know what, fuck this,’ he says quietly.

The door swings open and I try to sit normally and act as if I wasn’t eaves dropping. He strides through the sitting room, his hand through his curls, before slamming the cottage door behind him. It rattles the whole house.

I look towards the kitchen, not knowing what to do. Should I leave her be? Or will she want comforting? I eventually walk slowly over and peer through the door. She’s slumped down on the floor, crying silently.

‘Oh, Els!’ I cry, rushing over and pulling her into my arms, so I can soothe her.

‘Did you hear that?’ she sobs, her breath coming out in harsh spurts. ‘He just needed time…and…and I just messed everything up. And now I’m becoming a nun…and…and I can't even watch TV!’ She wails the last bit, before hitting her head hard against my chest. It hurts like a mother fucker, but I swallow down my swear word and instead rub her hair.

‘What are you going to do?’ I ask, when her sobs decrease down to whimpers.

She leans back onto her ankles. ‘I don’t know, but I know that we’re going to that party and we’re going to look lush.’

I back away from her, my skin covering in goose bumps at the thought of seeing Will.

‘Els, I’m not going. You have to be joking. Will is going to be there. It’s probably a joint party.’

‘Which is why you’re gonna look banging. Come on.’

***

Elsie takes my hand and guides me into the pub, my hand trembling uncontrollably.

‘Calm down, Rose,’ she snaps, more edgy than I’ve ever seen her. ‘You look amazing.’

I take a deep breath to calm myself. She’s right. I’m wearing my wet look leggings with my gold embellished short dress that shows just the right amount of boob. I look good, if I do say so myself.

With a dart of apprehension I let her lead me up to the bar. I look at the floor, not yet feeling confident to face people. I need vodka.

When I get enough courage I look up, expecting everyone to be staring at me. They’re not; just chatting and enjoying the party atmosphere. When people catch my eye they smile. I glance up above the bar to read James’ Happy Birthday banner. Next to it’s another banner. ‘Good Luck.’ I know it’s for Will.

‘Can I have a word, pet?’ Phil asks, appearing behind the bar.

My stomach curls up in fear and runs out the door. I nod, following him to a quiet corner. He’s going to kill me. In front of all these people.

He turns to look at me when he feels we’re far away enough from everyone.

‘I’m sorry,’ I blurt out before he can speak.

He shakes his head. ‘Listen, Rose, luckily Lauren calmed me down and explained what happened. I realise you didn’t intend to hurt Megan. That’s not saying you didn’t. But, well, it got me and Lauren talking. I didn’t realise how unhappy she was with the current arrangement. Anyway, now that Megan knows there’s nothing stopping me from being a real dad to him.’

‘Really?’ I ask in disbelief.

Noah’s going to have a dad? That’s amazing!

‘Aye,’ he nods. ‘Megan will come around eventually.’

I nod, even though I’m pretty sure she won't be so forgiving with me.

‘You could have a word with her, mind.’

I shrug non-committedly and join Elsie back at the bar.

‘When’s Will leaving?’ Elsie asks Phil as soon as he’s back behind the bar.

‘Tonight, pet. He’s setting off about nine thirty.’

Tonight? I assumed, with the party, he’d wait until the morning. I thought I had more time. For what I don’t know. I’m never going to see him again, starting from tonight? The pain crushes against my chest, far harder than Elsie’s skull did earlier.

I can't breathe. The one man I truly love…I mean, I really like him. Why is breathing so difficult? It’s like the realisation has punctured a lung.

‘Rose, are you okay?’ Elsie asks, looking alarmed.

I have to get out of here. Everything’s too loud, too over-whelming. I need a minute.

I turn and run towards the toilets, only I slam into a hard chest. I know it’s him before I’ve even looked up. His smell, the curves of his muscles, the way my body reacts. It all screams Will.

‘Rose,’ he whispers softly.

I look up at him apologetically and slowly untangle myself from his body. He looks amazing. He’s wearing a black shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows like always. He is showing off those forearms I love. His hair is its usual dishevelled mess and his face is impassive as usual. He’s so hard to read. Not that I’ll need to after tonight. My heart squeezes a bit tighter at the thought.

‘Sorry,’ I mumble, ducking out of the way and walking around him. I can't deal with this.

He grabs my arm and pulls me back towards him, so close our bodies are almost touching again. The heat from his chest warms me and the urge to collapse into it is almost uncontrollable. He grabs my chin and lifts it up so that I’m looking into those beautiful green eyes. God, how I’ve missed them. It’s painful to think it’ll be the last time.

‘Aren’t you here to say goodbye to me? Don’t you think you should?’ He looks so deadly serious. He takes my breath away.

‘I was…James invited me,’ I blab out, my voice shaky and uneven.

As soon as he hears his name his shoulders sag and his jaw tightens. Why did I say his name?! Am I
trying
to remind him of the horrible situation?

Idiot.
Idiot.

‘He
invited you. Of course he did,’ he nods, looking away, as if too disgusted to even look at me. ‘Tell me, did you even know it was my leaving do as well?’

I drop my eyes to the floor, ashamed. I guessed, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to face him.

‘I see,’ he answers for me. ‘Well, I’ll make this proper easy for you, Rose.’

I look up to him expectantly, into his cold, steely gaze.

‘Goodbye,’ he breathes frostily, giving me his iciest look, before turning and stomping away.

The hurt twists inside me like a knife. Tears are pouring thick and fast, ruining my smoky eyes. I have to get out of here. And now.