The After/Life (The After/Life Odyssey) (5 page)

Chapter XIII

A squad of Security Assistants ran by me on the way to my quarters. Instinctively, I held the book I was carrying tighter… hardly noticed them otherwise - my brain was preoccupied with other thoughts (if only I knew the dark errand they were heading to carry out…). Once in my room, I threw the book on the table, poured myself a glass of rum, downed it and poured another one. My hands were shaking. It was as if a volcano, long deemed dormant, was about to come to life inside me. My entire intricate concept of life, crafted so carefully and diligently (partly to limit the damage from losing Suzannah) was now starting to collapse. There was only one way of preserving it from total annihilation and that was to simply throw away the note and forget the conversation with Ms. Kendall – a tempting idea indeed. After all, the bitch had left me. You could find many just explanations for that but what about getting married to that idiot Miko? Was that also her way of protecting me? An interesting strategy indeed…

I remembered the day I found out about her disappearance. I remembered how I felt nothing at all. If anything, I had probably felt a relief and even a certain perverted kind of satisfaction from seeing Miko wandering around the School – so lost and confused or sitting somewhere in the corner - dazed and looking stupidly at his hand and the wedding ring he now wore as a stigma.  

I downed another glass, filled it again to the brink, walked to the table and picked up the book. I opened it and there was Suzannah’s message – a tiny sheet of paper covered with meaningless numbers. I stood this way for some time – a glass of rum in one hand and the book in the other. I then took the note and dug out my lighter (an ancient Zippo with a head of a Native American chief engraved on its steel body) from my pocket. I flicked it to life – the bluish flame was dancing hungrily in anticipation of swallowing the last reminder of Suzannah existence – the end of our inglorious story… and as the flame danced ever closer to the letter I felt that I just couldn’t do it. Letting out a long string of obscenities, I threw the note back on the table, ran to the bathroom, opened the faucet and splashed icy cold water at my overheated face. Looking up I saw myself in the mirror and was surprised at the steely determination in my features - indeed, I was no longer the child who once walked through the school with a cat by his side – scared and broken and living in the constant terror of the dark whisperer. My features were sharpened and the lines on my face were a testament to my stubborn character, of a will that could and probably would destroy its owner one day (probably very soon now). The white streak on the right side of my head (my own little souvenir from the apocalypse) was in sharp contrast with my pitch black hair. The simple truth was that I had made a decision and there was no point in fighting it, after all – no one has ever won a fight against himself.

Heading back to the room, I sat down in the armchair and, armed with a pen and paper, started decoding Suzannah’s message. The code was very simple – the first number of each line of the message pointed to the page, the second – to the verse and the rest - to specific letters or symbols in that paragraph. And little by little, her letter started to surface from the depths of the puzzle. I would not allow myself to read it, not until I was done…

I don’t know how long it took me to decipher the whole note but at last my work was complete and my lover’s last letter was before me. I closed my eyes and there was a strange feeling of calm (before the storm). Taking a deep breath, I started to read.

Chapter XIV

As I read Suzannah’s letter I could almost hear her voice, the voice I so loved (and hated). I could almost see her face – a mysterious smile playing on her lips and that little devilish spark in her eyes. Almost. Oh how I missed her…

“Dear Nad,
When you read this I will already be gone. I was not surprised by the way you behaved this evening, after all, you are who you are. In fact, I wrote most of this letter even before coming to see you. I said I was not surprised but I didn’t say I wasn’t angry with you. Making me mad as hell is probably one of your prominent traits. I don’t know if you are doing it consciously or not but you are exceptionally good at it. All these years since we last talked I have been watching you and your numerous escapades.  I do accept that I hurt you. I even accept that I hurt you really bad but, Nad, was it really absolutely necessary to sleep with every single girl and one married woman (yes, Nad, I know about her too) to feel better? Did it help? I know I sound cynical but I don’t think it did. And while you have obviously grown to relish the life of a selfish bastard, your eyes are still the same. Somewhere not so deep inside you are still the boy who watched me as I ran around my father’s shipyard. You are still the guy whom I gave my first kiss. You are still the man who became my first lover. And in spite of being continuously dismayed at your appalling behavior, I have to admit that I still love you, just as you (and I know you are going to negate this furiously) still love me. And even though we may never be together – we are one. Miko knows about this - it makes him suffer - another wonderful feature that you and I have in common – we hurt the ones who love us… But enough of this sentimental nonsense, neither of us is very good at it anyway.

I will be leaving tonight. I will not go too much into the reasons because I am not very sure about them myself, it’s just like that old song goes – I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s you, it’s Miko, it’s this metal box that we call our home, it’s Viler with his intrigues and conspiracies, it’s all of that and none of that. The one thing I know for sure is that I need to leave and I need to leave now. I already talked to Principal Higgins and he will make good of the promise he made years ago. He will set me free. He has already given me the access code for the exit door. That will cost him his position as the Principal of the School and when Viler finds out, it will most probably cost him his life. To tell you the truth – I don’t care. Does that make me a monster? Maybe. But I am who I am and there is one thing I learned in this little post-apocalyptic life of ours – you should always do what makes you happy - nothing else matters. It took me awhile to come to that conclusion, if I had done it earlier we would most probably still be together and this is how I want to end this letter to you, Nad. Always do whatever makes you happy, after all, we are all on an expressway to hell and we should accept it and dash through it with all the guns blazing – no regrets. It would make me very happy if we ever met again. I don’t expect this to happen, I don’t expect you to be able to get out after what Viler will most probably do, I don’t expect you will ever want to get out but if you do – know this – I will be heading north towards Bosstown (that is how it is called now). Remember, Nad - only if it makes you happy.

I love you,
Suzannah

P.S. I reset the code on the exit door. If you ever decide to get out, just punch in the numeric equivalent of your last name. Naturally, Viler will not know the new code and that will make him an extremely angry little rat. That makes me very happy. See how it works?”

I put the letter aside… A minute later my old duffle bag was out of the closet and I was packing frantically. And then, there was a quiet knock on the door.

Chapter XV

I looked at my watch. It was past midnight – not a usual time for a friendly social call, especially during Viler’s rule. There was another knock, louder this time. I kicked the bag under the bed and opened the door. Standing outside was Principal Viler himself, a huge fake smile imprinted on his narrow, cruel face.

”Good evening, Teacher Raven. May I come in?”
”Principal Viler, such a pleasure to see you... even in this late hour.”
”Raven, you are still standing in the doorway, may I come in or not?” the smile had momentarily vanished, revealing Viler’s true nature.
”Oh, yes, of course, Principal, do come in.”
”Why, thank you, my friend,” the huge grin was back on. A second later, Viler was sitting in my armchair. His little weasel’s eyes followed me closely as I sealed the door. His eyes then slipped to the book on the table.

Suzannah’s letter was right next to it, folded. He reached out and I felt my heart beating savagely in my chest. His hand froze in the air. He seemed to consider which item he should pick up. A million thoughts raced through my mind.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. For some reason, I remembered the day the bomb fell with the same sense of unreality and impending doom. Oh, this man would enjoy watching me die. If he picked up the letter, he would make sure I ended my life in the incinerator. The weasel’s eyes were back studying my face, his hand frozen above the table. It then went down swiftly and he picked up the book.

”Ah, the Odyssey! Nice little fairy tale - never really liked it myself though - too much bullshit for my liking. I think it is criminally overrated,” he pronounced the word criminally with a special gusto.
”Well, that is one of the possible opinions, Principal. I personally consider it the greatest lesson in survival, a triumph of the human spirit over every seemingly insurmountable obstacle. I will be presenting it in class tomorrow and was just preparing a little overview for my Students,” with these words I picked up Suzannah’s letter from the table and slipped it in my pocket - Viler didn’t seem to pay any attention. His eyes were fixed on mine, his face distorted with his trademark smile.
”I think your should reconsider your topic, Raven. The imaginary flights usually end very abruptly and…painfully. I recommend you present them something more substantial. How about my latest work? I think you got your copy this morning.”

Viler’s new book was titled Your Will. I hadn’t opened it but the title told me everything I needed to know about it.

”Principal, it’s very late. Do you think we could postpone our literary discourse till tomorrow?” my voice sounded very sharp. I never really learned to hide my emotions.

There was a moment of silence. The smile had once again disappeared - the cold eyes of the despot were scrutinizing me. I met his cold stare and did not look away. Perhaps, it was all going to end tonight (would that make you happy, Suzannah?). Then I heard the sound of the elevator and the narrow strip of light invaded my room. This somehow broke the tension and Viler looked away. The smile immediately resurfaced.

”Yes, of course, Teacher. I will be leaving now.”

He got up and walked to the door. He then turned around.

”Ah, almost forgot, I thought you would like to know. Teacher
Kendall was arrested tonight on the charges of conspiring against the School. We just held a meeting of the Tribunal and based on the clear evidence of her treason, there was a unanimous vote. She was naturally found guilty. Teacher Raven, you are aware of the penalty for such heavy charges.”

I felt I couldn’t move. All the strength seemed to have drained from my body. Viler was clearly satisfied. His smile looked quite sincere now.

”Yes, of course, you know. Kendall is going to have a date with the incinerator. I don’t think there is any reason to postpone punishment in this specific case. She will be executed tomorrow morning. Good night, Raven.”

I stood still for some time after he was gone, my fists opening and closing involuntarily. And then Suzannah’s voice spoke from the depths of my mind” “Whatever makes you happy, Nad, whatever makes you happy.” And suddenly I knew… It was going to be a very long night…

Chapter XVI

The corridors were empty. What was shaping up to be the end of my life in the School was a lot like its beginning - alone in this giant steel structure that became much more than it was ever purposed to be. At first it was something beautiful but perhaps in the post-apocalyptic world no beauty is destined to last and the savior turns into the beast and the shepherd - into a wolf devouring the sheep while they look on inertly and trustfully. Not for much longer. You were right, Suzannah, I will do only what makes me happy and, yes, it will make me happy to venture outside - embark on my own Odyssey, just like I always dreamed to. But not yet…

The door of the computer control hub was open. I went in. At first, I thought the place was just as deserted as the rest of the School at this hour but then I saw someone sitting at the far end of the room. If it was one of the Security Assistants… but then the person bent over the terminal looked up. I gave out a loud sigh of relief.

”Bars, you old dog, what are you doing up at this hour?”
”Raven, please let me remind you that out of the two of us, I am the only one authorized to be here at this hour - long live Viler, respect the law and all that shit.”
”So you are authorized to browse porn archives?”
”Oh shut up. This is research for…the class. So anyway, what kept you up tonight? Please don’t tell me it’s about Suzannah again. I am beyond listening to any more of your whining.”

I tried to smile but failed. We had known each other all our conscious lives and there was no use lying to him.

”Unfortunately, my friend, you seem to have hit the bull’s eye. There is more but I am not sure I can tell you. You could have…problems.”
”Nad, our whole life here in this little fascist getaway is one massive fucking problem. So quit the bullshit and tell me what the fuck is going on?”

I was quiet for a minute. Telling Bars about the situation was dangerous but where the hell is the world going if you can’t even trust your closest friend? And anyway, I could very much use his help. Taking a deep breath, I told him about the events of the last twelve hours, including Suzannah’s letter and the arrest of Teacher Kendall. Bars listened attentively – his eyes locked on mine, at first quizzically, then with a disbelief and finally – with a growing concern. A young man of twenty eight, he had already lost most of his hair and knew firsthand about Principal Viler’s approach. Just a year ago, his girlfriend was accused of adversary propaganda after she sent out a mass mail on the internal network on the need for reform and equal rights for all the residents of the School. The penalty for that crime, just as for most of the other crimes under Viler’s rule, was death. Twenty four hours after being convicted, Teacher Tayton was “fired”. When I finished, Bars closed his eyes and there was a heavy silence. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible.

”The fucking bastard…”
”It’s also our fault, Bars, we shouldn’t have allowed him to go this far. All of us knew where this was heading but we kept quiet. The question is what we are going to do about it now.”
”And what are you planning to do about it?”
”Sabotage, to start with. And I will need your help.”

I could almost see Bars struggling with himself, his eyes fixed on his tightly clasped fists. He then looked up and smiled the smile I knew so well – in the old good days it meant that he was up for another idiocy that we had come up with – such as stealing booze from the storage area, sneaking into the girls’ quarters or recruiting ten of the blondest Teacher Assistants for our underground strip club (as if there could be any other kind in a nuclear shelter).

”You know that you are most probably going to get us both killed?”
”Bars, you don’t have to…”
”Quit the disclaimer talk and just tell me.”
”Yes, I know, Bars. But I also know that if I don’t do anything now, I will never be able to move on.”
”OK, just as long as you know. Now, what do you want to do?”

After a brief explanation, Bars smiled his mischievous smile again and we set out to work on the control terminal.

Two hours later, we were done.

”Bars, if this thing fails, they are going to find out who did it. They will want revenge. I think you should join me. We can leave together.”
”My friend, I may be bald but I am not an idiot. I don’t think that this little prank is all you are planning. And if this all works out, I will very much enjoy sticking here and watching the fireworks. And about leaving with you, I do admire your optimism and this is indeed the shithole of the Earth but there is no fucking way I am going out there. For better or worse, that other world is history for me.”
”If you ever change your mind…”
”I will not. Just go now. And anyway, I will very much enjoy consoling your multiple girlfriends grieving your mysterious disappearance.”
”You bastard!”
”Run along now.”

As I turned to go, Bars called me.

”Good luck, Raven.”

I left the computer control hub and headed down the corridor for my next little errand. It was four in the morning – the time was indeed running out…