The Alphabet Wedding (Alpha #1.5) (7 page)

I bite my lip.

'You put my cock in your mouth and then you puked. All over my feet. That smell will never leave my nostrils.' He gips.

'Do you want me to give you a hand job or anything? I'm so, so sorry.'

'Stella. I may never want sex again. I think you've broken me.'

'I'll just go and get a cloth then and clean the room up.'

'I'm going to get ready and head for Chris'. Have a great time with Ronnie later. Please do
not
tell her what happened.'

'Of course not. It's private.' I tell him. Now what can I have to eat?

Gabe has left for Christopher's. It's probably for the best as I don't know what to say to him. There's just myself and Ronnie. Athena is at Maddie's for the night. Ronnie has forced me to change into a tee-shirt with an L plate on the front and placed a pair of willy deeley boppers on my head. Apparently I get to wear these on my Hen do as well. Lucky me.

I sit on my sofa and Ronnie brings in a selection of wrapped gifts. 'Usually there'd be a few people at your shower. I know there's only me, so I thought I'd bring a few things with me.'

'You didn't need to get me anything.'

'I know, but you know me. Any excuse to shop.'

I open the first box. Inside is a monogrammed towelling robe. I trail my fingers across the back where the words Mrs Gregory are embroidered.

'That's for wearing as you get ready.'

'Thank you. It's beautiful and so snugly.'

The next box contains Jo Malone candles. The gift tag reads 'with love from Sharon Stone.'

'Ooh. Celebrities buying me gifts?'

'Looks like it.'

The next unwrapping reveals a packet of Tenalady, 'because you'll have had two children, love Penny from Big Bang Theory.'

'You're funny, you are.'

The last gift is actually really thoughtful. I uncover a large box. Inside is a breakfast tray, two champagne flutes and two monogrammed napkins. This one says, 'from your best friend R xxx'.

'It's for your wedding breakfast, with you not going on honeymoon.'

I'd vetoed any going away. With it being Christmas I'd said we'd do something the following year. Now I was pregnant again, thoughts of a holiday were on hold.

I reach over and hug her, rubbing a tear away from under my eye.

'That is so lovely Ronnie. I really don't know what I'd do without you. I miss you.'

'I know. We'll figure something out.'

We spend a lovely evening watching
Bride Wars
and drinking Hot Chocolate.

Then she makes me play a game,
pin the tail on the male
, where she sticks a cardboard male torso on my wall and we have to take it in turns to be blindfolded and stick different sized peni on it. (By the way Ronnie named plural penises peni a while back. It's stuck ever since.)

At eleven, I'm just considering going to bed when there's a knock at the door.

'Fuck I forgot about this and we have our pjs on.' Ronnie is wide eyed and giggling. She tells me to sit down and then rushes to the door.

When she comes back a few minutes later she is emitting death rays. 'Your fiance is going to pay,' she whispers. She takes a seat on the sofa alongside me and shouts, 'Right. You can come in now.'

In walks a short man who must have a thyroid problem or be especially unlucky because his eyes kind of bug out of his head. He has an unfortunate overbite and so as he says, 'Hello,' I spot drool run down his chin. It's only the fact that he is dressed as a Police Officer with no shirt that I recognise that he's obviously a stripper.

'Are you ready for this?' he says and puts his hand on his cock, which is stretching against his trousers and must indeed be the only large thing about him. I look towards Ronnie in horror.

'Forget it mate. She's pregnant. Her hubby to be should have cancelled you.'

The stripper looks like he's about to cry.'It's okay. You don't have to make excuses. I know I'm not what you were expecting. I had a road accident. It's messed up my looks. I should never have come back to stripping. It's just I need to pay off the medical bills.'

'Oh my. I am so sorry,' says Ronnie. 'Look, let me give you some money for the inconvenience.' She goes to her purse and hands him a wad of cash.

'Thanks. That'll help so much.'

She escorts him to the door. I feel really sorry for him, but I could do without another penis making me barf.

I hear a scream. '
You fucking sleazeball
.'

Ronnie returns holding her fist.

I shoot up on the sofa. 'What just happened?'

'He felt me up and gave me some line about not getting any sex because of the
accident
. I reckon the only reason his mouth is out of alignment is because women like me keep punching him in it. What a fucker.'

I burst out laughing. The sort of hysterical laughter that you can't contain. Soon Ronnie has joined me and we are clutching our jaws that hurt from laughing.

'Ronnie?'

'Yeah?'

'I might need one of those pads after all.'

We collapse into giggles again.

The following day is my Hen Day. Busy, busy. Gabe picks up Athena from his mothers so that Maddie can come and meet us. We head to the spa where we all enjoy our treatments. I've not been able to use the spa because of my pregnancy. Maddie just thinks I'm on my period and didn't want to risk it. Though now she's worrying about my wearing a white dress.

'Oh I'm sure it will be over by then.'

'I'm looking forward to you all coming to mine tomorrow evening for the rehearsal dinner.'

'Yeah,' Ronnie yawns. She's so chilled she looks like she's going to fall asleep any moment. 'I'm looking forward to catching up with Mike and Sam.' She yawns again. 'Goodness me. This won't do. We need to be awake for what I have arranged next.'

We enjoy a lovely lunch and I allow myself a few sips of champagne. Then it's off to the East Side for whatever Ronnie has planned.

I should have known.

The three of us are escorted to a room with another group of women. We are asked to take a place each at an easel. Wow. Ronnie has obviously considered that we have Maddie with us and has gone sophisticated.

A tall dark haired woman comes in.

'Thank you all for joining us. There's a few celebrations today. We'll go around and introduce ourselves in a moment. First however I'd like to introduce you all to Jason.'

The door opens and a tall, fair haired man comes in. He's wearing a robe, but with the way it's struggling to fit the whole way over his chest, I'm guessing he's built like a rugby player.

I look at Ronnie. She turns and winks, 'Hubba hubba. Happy Hen do.'

We introduce ourselves. I turn to Maddie. 'I am so sorry Maddie. I don't know what she was thinking.'

'Are you kidding? I can't wait.' Maddie gets a pair of spectacles out and puts them on just as Jason disrobes.

'Hubba, hubba,' says Maddie to Ronnie.

I pick up a pencil. Believe me we're going to need plenty of lead to draw this.

CHAPTER SEVEN - S TO Z

S is for snow and sick

I wake with a dry mouth. I'm so nervous I want to puke. Chris hands me a beer. It may be nine am but I drink it.

'Happy Wedding Day Bro.'

'Oh Man. I'm so nervous. Can't wait for that ride though.'

'You talking about Stella or the car?'

'Funny. We'd better get Sam up.'

I walk across my mother's landing and hear awful crying sounds.

'Sam?' I dash into his room.

Sam is curled up in his bed. His face clenched tightly.

I nudge him with my hand, 'Hey Sam mate. Wake up.'

Sam turns over and groans. Then he clutches his stomach and lets out a sharp cry.

Then he shoots up and pukes. All over my feet.

'Fuck no. Not again.'

Sam starts to cry. 'I don't feel very well.'

I feel his head. He is sweating buckets.

My mother comes running in. 'Oh my God, Sam. What's happened? He was okay an hour ago, I checked on him.'

'You better ring Mike Mom.' I say. This dude is ill and going nowhere.

Sam cries between episodes of puking. Alternating between crying about wanting to be at the wedding and then crying as he feels so ill.

'Don't worry about the wedding little Dude. Just concentrate on feeling better.'

Mike picks him up, along with a bucket.

'It's not looking good for the wedding.'

'Just get him home and look after him. That's what counts.'

Mike nods.

'Has Nina arrived yet?'

Mike looks at me, his forehead creased.'Gabe. Have you not seen the news? Britain is a blanket of snow. All flights have been cancelled.'

'What?' My hands clutch my head.

'It's covered. Worst snow in years.'

'I have ABC coming. Christ. Hopefully they got here already.'

'It's been like it for days Gabe. How are you not aware of this?'

'Because all my time has been spent between weddings and Sesame Street.' I kick the wall.

'Gabriel Gregory. Stop that at once.' says my Mom. 'Let me show you out Mike, while Gabe has a tantrum.'

'The kids going to be gutted,' says Chris.

'I know but what can we do? We'll just have to take him out for a spin in a fast car or something.' I switch on my computer.

'Now I need to see if ABC have made it.' I check my Inbox and there it is. The message I did not want to see. They haven't made it due to the weather. I then realise that there was nowhere for them to play anyway as I'd told them The Plaza.

I stand and fake bang my head against the wall, for in case my mother tells me off again.

Snow and sick. This is snow joke.

T is for The Wedding (part one)

Chris gets dressed and then brings my suit through. He looks really smart. I can't wait to get mine on. He removes the suit cover.

'Surprise Bro.'

The suit he reveals is not the one I picked out but a suit of black leather. My mouth drops open.

'I know right?' My brother smiles and shakes the suit at me. 'You are going to look The Bomb in this. I had them switch it when I saw it. You are so going to rock this.'

I'm not usually violent and afterwards we blame the wedding stress, but before I know it, I've punched him in the jaw.

The suit and Chris drop to the ground.

'What the fuck Bro?'

'Exactly. What. The. Fuck. Is. That?' I point to the suit. 'I know what it isn't. It isn't what I chose.'

Chris rubs his jaw. 'You don't like it?'

'I'm going to look like I'm attending a bondage session, not my wedding.'

'Just try it on okay, before you judge. Christ, my jaw.'

I huff and go to put it on.

I stand and look in the mirror. As it's the only suit I now have and time is of the essence, I have no choice but to wear it. I look like part of an eighties Rock Band. I just need two white stripes across my face and I'm Adam Ant. Or maybe I'm David Coverdale from Whitesnake. Either way I'm screwed.

The phone rings and Chris answers before passing it to me.

'It's the wife to be.'

'Good morning my beautiful Bride.'

'Did you check the Bridesmaids dresses or let Ronnie choose?'

'Err.' I scratch my chin.

'Only Ronnie and Athena are both dressed as Elsa from Frozen. Apparently it goes with your theme.'

'I did not tell her to dress as a cartoon character.'

'Did you, or did you not, let Ronnie choose her and Athena's outfits?'

I remain silent.

'I will keep calm and
let it go
.' She puts the phone down.

I ought to have known not to trust that woman.

Five minutes later the phone rings again. This time it's Ronnie.

'Don't worry about your outfits Ronnie. They'll do.'

'That is not what I am calling about. You bought the wrong size wedding dress. It doesn't fit.'

'No I haven't. I bought what you said. You said she was a twelve. So how can I have bought the wrong size.'

'She is a size twelve. In the UK. You're in the states you arse. You needed to ask for the equivalent.'

'How am I supposed to know that? You should have told me.'

'Am I organising this wedding? No. Don't you shout at me.'

I sigh. 'Sorry. How bad is it?'

'A UK twelve is a US ten, so it's too large. You've bought the equivalent of a UK Fourteen. Plus she's lost weight with vomiting.'

'Look there's another dress. It's the same size but it's a bandage dress so hopefully it will be better. It's in my wardrobe.'

'Fine. Now where are the shoes?'

'What shoes? I didn't get shoes. She has hundreds of pairs of shoes.'

'You didn't buy her wedding shoes? What about a handbag?'

'No. She already has those things.'

Ronnie whistles. 'You might want to write out your last will and testament. See you at City Hall.'

I sit down. Squeaking and sweating in my leather suit. We wait for the damn car to arrive.

Thankfully it turns up on time. Unfortunately it's the Bentley. That means the James Bond car has gone to collect my wife to be. At least I get the massage seat though it fails to relax me.

I stand outside City Hall shaking. My mothers head is also shaking. At me. Frequently.

There's a screech of tires as the Aston Martin flies around the corner and pulls up outside.

A large and small Elsa from Frozen emerge from the car.

'Dadadadadadadadadada.' My gorgeous little girl toddles over to me and I sweep her up. She looks amazing. The same can't be said for Ronnie who looks like she needs to get straight over to Disneyland. She obviously thought of the outfit, pre-haircut and now has a peroxide blonde wig on her head, complete with massive plait.

Stella emerges from the car with a face like a dark storm cloud. She is wearing the Herve Leger. She looks fucking awesome. As her boobs have grown, she fills the top out beautifully. The bandage style holds in her newly blossoming tummy. Plus her legs. Whoa those legs. I follow her legs down to her feet, which are wearing white converse.