The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (14 page)

     
Situations with opposing goals

     
Serious situations

     
Difficult situations

     
Hemmed-in situations

     
Desperate situations

All of these can be used to the advantage of the resourceful Z.

When you cannot distinguish the Living from the dead, this is a
confused situation.
In confused situations, take stock. Do not attack until you can tell the players without a scorecard.

When the Humans’ defenses are shoddy and you have penetrated them, this is an
easy situation.
In easy situations, press your advantage.

When other Undead try to possess the ground you and your Horde have already secured, this is a
quarrelsome situation.
In quarrelsome situations, remind your fellows of your common goal. Proceed not until you reach accord.

Ground with the Horde on all sides, surrounding a small enclave of Mortals, connotes a
stable situation.
If you are lucky enough to find yourself and your fellow Zombies in a stable situation, feast at will while never letting your guard down. Leave no traces of your passage.

When the Humans are hunting you, necessitating a defensive plan even as you mount an attack, this is a
situation with opposing goals.
In a situation with opposing goals: Defense, defense, defense. The Zombie who shuffles away lives to devour another day.

When you have covered a great deal of ground, devouring on the march and with a substantial Horde at your back, this is a
serious situation
(for Humans!). In a serious situation, do not linger after feeding. Move on.

Sludgy, marshy, or pockmarked terrain—anything that can trip you up—presents a
difficult situation.
As do highways—see below. Likewise, urban settings offer unique challenges. In difficult situations, shamble on. However tempting, know the dangers of traveling on paved roads, especially during daylight.

When we are forced to chase the Living down tortuous paths and narrow passages where a Zombie would make an easy target for a sniper, this is a
hemmed-in situation.
If you are hemmed in, seek a way out. Use “The Moan,” or any other stratagem at your disposal. Humans are easily distracted by shiny objects and kittens.

When you are separated from the Horde and surrounded by the Living bearing torches and pitchforks, this situation is truly
desperate.
In a desperate situation? Don’t lose your head. Fight.

Zombies of old who wielded great skill in battle were adept at driving a wedge (or other implements) into the Enemy’s ranks. Prevent the Living from attending to the wounded.
In this way, the newly-Undead will rise to join your legions.

The Mortals’ order, when it can be rallied, signifies disorder for the Horde. Don’t let it happen!
It is in your best interest to keep them squabbling over petty matters. Snatch—but do not eat—a young female to hold as hostage. You will be able to pick off her would-be rescuers at your leisure. When the phalanx has been exhausted, you may dine at leisure.

Another tested stratagem involving hostage Humans is to take a bite (just one!) of your hostage in an unobtrusive spot, and then return him or her to the Living cohort as an infiltrator.
Wait for the necrosis to occur. Your work is done. In this manner a whole group of air sucking Humans may be turned with little effort.

Your power increases with numbers and as you penetrate further into the territory held by the Mortals.
They become nervous and often act without thinking. Sometimes they even shoot each other only to ask questions later—which can never be answered, save by the ubiquitous Moan. They may fight hard, but they are no match for the Horde.

Desperate Humans may kill themselves or one another in a misguided attempt to elude their fate. No matter. They are either with us or they are food.

If you find a timid Zombie in your ranks, he or she must be either conditioned to proper behavior, or dispatched for a traitor.
There is no middle ground. In the war for WORLD DOMINATION, there is no room for timorousness.

As Zombies, we fight without fear.
Nothing can befall us that would be worse than what we have already experienced. The trauma of the Undeath and subsequent reanimation inures us to all Human fears.

Do not be distracted by the trappings of your former “life.”
Money is of no use to us, although oxygen-thieving Humans may try to bribe you with it. Ha! Should you find yourself in possession of cash reserves, these may be employed to lure unsuspecting Humans to our side.

Fashion yourself in the manner of the immortal (!) Chinese vampire/zombie Jiang Shi:
Strike at his head and he will attack you with his feet; strike near his feet and he will devour you with his teeth; strike at his middle and he will attack you with head and feet.

And so the name Jiang Shi is
remembered among the Undead.

Madame Cadavre Exquis
observed the great rout at Zhaotong in the reign of Emperor Gaozu, who himself was later recruited to the Horde: “Great Jiang Shi rallied the Undead who had been enemies in Life and brought them to the Cause. Yea, though the stench was mighty, each (formerly human) being dragged his fellow beyond the threshold. The Horde fought with not a care for the loss of limb nor their advancing state of decomposition.”

The more you can blend in with your Enemies, the greater the likelihood of your penetrating all their defenses.
Try patronizing Death Metal clubs, where an abundance of prey can often be found. The cover of darkness and noise at such establishments is ideal, and you will be surprised at how you resemble the Living patrons. The irony’s not bad, either.

Avoid situations where your identity might be obvious:
tea parties (unless the British royal family is present), bachelorette parties (could lead to embarrassing dismemberment), the beach at St. Tropez, unless you’re prepared to shell out top dollar for expensive sunscreen.

When you leave the necropolis to forage, you may find yourself hunted: that is, in the situation of Opposing Goals.
Be prepared with a strong defense.
For hemmed-in situations, always have an escape plan.

When the pickings are easy, keep moving.

Consolidate your alliances to prevent contentious situations.
We’re all on the same team: Team Z!

Always bestow a reward on one who returns with a fresh kill
—he should receive the best of the BRRRAAAIIINNNS. So are the Undead conditioned to strive for the good of the group.

Block all routes of egress for the Mortals
. This is known as the Cinema Stratagem. While the Living take in a “Zombie” film at the local multiplex and gorge themselves on corn products, have your lieutenants seal off the exits. Enter the theater under the cover of darkness and in the guise of “
cinéma vérité
.”

In this, the battle is not always to the fleet of foot or intellect (thank evilness for that!), but to the Zombie who waits, watches, and makes the most of every opportunity.

When they are
engulfed in flames